Tuesday, July 1, 2003 Edition: #2574
Thanks For Being On Our Sheet List!
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TODAY in Australia the 3-month shoot on the latest “Star Wars” episode, “An Empire Divided”, gets underway and obsessive fans will be able to watch some aspects of production via live Internet Webcams – but they’ll have to pay $30 for the privilege! . . . Mick Jagger has revealed he keeps his voice exercised by singing or just humming along to karaoke versions of ‘60s soul hits (back when he was young and virile and in his 40s) . . .
‘Shrek’, the lovable green ogre who made nearly $300 million for DreamWorks on the big screen, is lumbering toward Broadway and expected to debut in “Shrek, the Musical” within 3 years . . . Insiders say things are looking serious for Anna Kournikova & Enrique Iglesias, so serious they may be planning children . . . Pop singer Lisa Loeb, who’s career has pretty much tanked since her 1994 hit “Stay”, will co-host an upcoming cooking show on the Food Network with Dweezil Zappa (who’s career has pretty much tanked since he was
born) . . . Disney has signed Hilary Duff to an album deal, even though they dumped her “Lizzie McGuire” show because she wanted to much moola . . . Word is rapper 50 Cent & singer Mya have become an item, since she’s often seen in his dressing room and accompanying him on tour . . . 24-year-old singer/actress Brandy has split from her husband of 2 years, producer Robert Smith, and they’ll reportedly raise their year-old daughter jointly . . . 8-months-pregnant “Hulk” actress Jennifer Connelly is planning a ‘water birth’ in London for her 2nd child, but she’s worried it might be a weirder experience than she’s been led to believe (“OK everyone out of the pool, someone’s had an accident!”).
TODAY’S VIDEO RELEASES:
Martin Scorsese’s epic “Gangs of New York” (DVD/VHS) stars Daniel Day-Lewis & Leonardo DiCaprio in a brawling crime drama set in NYC circa 1863 (nominated for 10 Oscars but completely shut out) . . . The romantic comedy “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days” stars Matthew McConaughey as a ladies’ man who bets he can get any woman to fall in love with him & Kate Hudson as a women’s magazine writer doing a story on how
to dump a guy (surprise! – they fall for each other) . . . The first ‘reality feature film’ “The Real Cancun” (DVD/VHS) follows 16 people who spend 8 days in a beachfront Mexican villa for the ultimate Spring Break vacation (considering how this turkey stiffed at the box office, it’s likely also the last ‘reality feature film’).
ALL-TIME WORST MOVIE ACCENTS:
1. Sean Connery in “The Untouchables ” (1987)
2. Dick Van Dyke in “Mary Poppins ” (1964)
3. Brad Pitt in “Seven Years In Tibet ” (1997)
4. Charlton Heston in “Touch Of Evil ” (1958)
5. Heather Graham in “From Hell ” (2001)
6. Keanu Reeves in “Bram Stoker’s Dracula ” (1992)
7. Julia Roberts in “Mary Reilly ” (1996)
8. Laurence Olivier in “The Jazz Singer ” (1980)
9. Pete Postlethwaite in “The Usual Suspects ” (1995)
10. Meryl Streep in “Out Of Africa ” (1985)
Source: “Empire” magazine’s AUGUST edition.
HAIR TODAY, GONE FOREVER:
Guys, how much would you pay to never have to shave again? Cosmetic surgeons say men are quickly discovering the joys of modern hair removal technology. With just 3 sessions of laser treatments, your face will permanently be as smooth as a baby’s butt (and smell like it too if you use Aqua Velva). The procedure costs about $1,000. (Perhaps a little more if you’re member of ZZ Top.)
SLOUGHING OFF ON-THE-JOB:
In his new book “Time Management for Dummies”, Chicago corporate consultant Jeffrey Mayer claims that most office workers waste 80% of their time. How can you possibly fritter away that much time? By doing things that, though work-related, fail to bring results, and by letting e-mail, phone calls & conversations with co-workers
eat into the workday. Mayer says wasting time ends up costing workers in the long run because they have to work late and work weekends to catch up. (If this is true, shouldn’t you be able to have an 8-hour work-week if you work really hard?)
HAS PETA HEARD THIS?
File this one under ‘things that make you go huh?’ – Corona CA anti-porn crusader Rev Craig Gross has produced a TV spot that he plans to air in San Diego and Orange counties which shows cute little kittens playing while the narrator tells viewers that every time someone masturbates – ‘God kills a kitty’. (If that’s true, [co-host] is pretty much responsible for the extinction of domestic short hairs.)
GOOFY GADGETS & GIZMOS:
• A retailer in Sweden is launching a new line of underwear – made from paper. (They can’t be washed … but you can clean them with an eraser.)
• ‘The Dog Slinger’ is a slingshot-like gizmo that shoots tennis balls up to 100 yards for Fido to go fetch. Saliva-soaked balls can then be reloaded without even bending over. (Uh, how lazy are we getting?)
• ‘PawSense’ is a software utility that helps protect your files from your feline. It analyzes keystroke timing & combinations to block accidental cat ‘keyboarding’ within a couple of paw steps. And whenever your puss walks on the keyboard it makes a sound that’s annoying to cats, which purportedly teaches it that pouncing on the PC
is bad even if humans aren’t watching. (You know your cat’s been using your computer if your mouse has teeth marks and a strange territorial scent to it.)
BS AMAZING FACT:
According to a new McAfee Security survey, 49% of Internet users spend at least 40 minutes a week deleting spam e-mails.
THE BULL SHEET 07.01.2K3
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1952  Dan Aykroyd, Ottawa CAN, movie actor (“Pearl Harbor”, “Driving Miss Daisy”, “Blues Brothers”)
1967  Pamela Anderson, Ladysmith CAN, TV actress (“Striperella”, “VIP” 1998-2002, “Baywatch”
1992-97, “Home Improvement” 1991-93) who’s appeared on 6 “Playboy” covers/ex-Mrs Tommy Lee/ex-Kid Rock fiancée QUOTE: “I don’t think about anything too much. It freaks me out!”
1970  Henry Simmons, Stamford CT, TV actor (Detective Baldwin Jones-“NYPD Blue”)
1971  Missy “Misdemeanor” Elliott (Melissa Elliott), Portsmouth VA, hip-hop artist (“Work It”, Grammy Awards-“Get Ur Freak On”, “One Minute Man”)
1977  Liv Tyler, Portland ME, movie actress (Arwen Undómiel-“Lord of the Rings” trilogy, “Armageddon”, “Stealing Beauty”)/daughter of Aerosmith’s Steve Tyler & former “Playboy” playmate Bebe Buell
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[Canada] “Canada Day” national holiday
[USA] “National Frozen Yogurt Day”
TODAY is “International Joke Day” celebrating humor from around-the-world. (Nothing like a joke in Swahili!)
TODAY is “National Financial Freedom Day”, a day to plan the path of future financial wealth. (Also known as “Buy a Lottery Ticket Day”.)
TODAY is “National Postal Worker Day” in America, to honor past and present postal workers for their service and dedication in serving the American people. (Reducing overpopulation, for instance.)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1874  1st ‘zoo’ in America (Philadelphia PA)
1892  Invention of the ‘Ouija Board’ (Isaac & William Fuld) FACTOID: Name is derived from the French & German words for ‘yes’ – ‘oui’ and ‘ja’.
1963  Postal Service institutes the ‘zip code’ (Zone Improvement Plan)
1941  Bulova Watch pays $9 for 1st-ever ‘network TV commercial’
1979  1st ‘Sony Walkman’ manufactured
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] Halfway Point of the Year
[Wed] “Legally Blonde 2” & “Terminator 3” open in theaters
[Thurs] Dog Days of Summer begin
[Fri] Independence Day (no “BS” service)
[Fri] National Country Music Day
This Week Is . . . Freedom Week / Be Nice to Jersey Week
This Month Is . . . Anti-Boredom Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
MORE WACKY BS PROMOTIONAL STUNTS:
• ‘Can You Connect?’ – A morning crew member challenges people on the street to hit a fungo with a ball and a bat (use a Nerf ball if you’re indoors or in a high traffic area). If they hit the ball on the first try, they win baseball tickets.
• ‘Diamond Dig’ – In cooperation with a local jewelry store you invite women to compete for a chance to win diamonds. The 10 finalists are each given a paint stirring stick and allowed to tear up the field after a sports event or concert in a search for winning tokens.
• ‘Win a Used Car’ – Classic rock or oldies stations announce the ‘Classic of the Day’. First listener to call in when it’s played wins a car of the same year. Who wouldn’t want to win a vintage classic? For a laugh, throw in the odd lemon like a ‘78 Gremlin.
• ‘Bald Is Beautiful Night’ – Salute hairless men at a sports event or club party that celebrates baldness. Hand out ‘Bald is Beautiful’ T-shirts, stage a ‘Bald Parade’ and have station personnel wear bald skull caps. Perfect for a game in a ‘dome’.
• ‘Paper Poker ‘ – Ask people on the street to pull a bill out of their wallet and play serial number poker with a morning crew member. If they lose, give ‘em a token prize. If they win, they get the bill your crew member is holding – a 100-dollar bill.
• ‘Dash for Cash’ – Contestants come onto the field at a concert or during intermission of a sports event when a helicopter hovering about 50 feet in the air drops money. Contestants run around picking up as much as they can while it blows all over the place.
• ‘Millionaire for a Minute’ – Winner gets to live the high life, but only for a day. Line up sponsors to provide an exotic car rental, gourmet meals, luxury accommodation, etc.
• ‘Stroller Derby’ – Young dads race while pushing baby dolls in strollers. When they get to the end, they have to change the doll’s diaper and then race back to the start. More times than not, the dolls will go flying because the dads are more concerned about winning than delivering the doll.
• While tidying up, you come across your teenage daughter’s diary. Do you read it?
• An executive at a large company will give you a big contract but demands a cash kickback. Do you agree to pay?
• You’re shaken up in an car accident. Your lawyer can get a large settlement if you exaggerate your aches and pains. Do you?
• After months, the charge for your new TV doesn’t show up on your credit card statement. Do you report the oversight?
• You’re asked to give a eulogy for an uncle who was a real SOB. Do you refuse?
YOU’RE AN ‘80S CHILD IF …
• You wondered what Lisa Bonet was doing married to that loser Lenny Kravitz.
• You admired Bill Cosby’s taste in sweaters on “The Cosby Show”.
• You thought the Stray Cats were bringing guitars back to rock ‘n roll.
• You thought the lead singer of Poison was hot … until you realized she was a he.
• Your favorite GI Joe figure was ‘Snake Eyes’.
• You thought Burt & Loni were a fairytale romance.
• You thought George Michael was straight.
• You owned a home Beta video recorder.
• You rolled up the sleeves on your sports jacket for the ‘Sonny Crockett’ look.
• You thought Clint Eastwood would one day be president.
ALL-TIME TOP MOVIES IN DOMESTIC BOX OFFICE:
1. “Titanic” ($601 million)
2. “Star Wars” ($461 million)
3. “ET – The Extra-Terrestrial” ($435 million)
4. “Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace” ($431 million)
5. “Spider-Man” ($404 million)
Source: Box Office Mojo
BS BLATANT JOKES:
• Ever feel like your guardian angel needs to go in for a halo re-alignment? I mean I still haven’t won the lottery and I still have this job!
• Good news: I got here on time. Bad news: the station won’t pay for my speeding ticket.
• When you get right down to it what is Tuesday anyway? It’s just Monday without the attitude.
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: 72% of us store THIS in ascending order.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: We sort the bills in our wallets according to denomination.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
A career is a job that takes about 20 more hours a week.