Wednesday, July 24, 2002        Edition: #2341
Bully For You!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Word is Elizabeth Hurley isn’t the only former “Austin Powers” girl that’s been axed from  “Goldmember” (opening FRIDAY) as scenes featuring Heather Graham (‘Felicity Shagwell’) have ended up on the cutting room floor (make way for Beyoncé!) . . . Ja Rule is in negotiations to reprise his role in the sequel to the hit movie “The Fast and the Furious” slated to begin shooting THIS FALL in Miami . . . Actress Drea de Matteo, who plays mob girlfriend ‘Adriana’ on “The Sopranos”, reveals that when her dog Cyrus had to be castrated for medical reasons she performed the operation HERSELF, then pickled the souvenirs in a jar which now rests on her mantel (this is not someone you want to cross) . . . Former pop star Donny Osmond is set to host an updated version of the “$25,000 Pyramid”, because (according to him) Regis Philbin has made it ‘cool’ to be a game-show host (yeah right Donny, Reg’ is a real ‘hep cat’) . . . Simon Fuller, creator of “American Idol” (and the Spice Girls), is in talks to create a TV revival of “The Monkees” featuring An all-new boy band (this guy’s taste is in his mouth) . . . And the voice of ‘Smokey the Bear’, Gene Moss, has died in California at age 75 (makes you wonder — will he be cremated?).

HOW TO GET HIGH:
A travel company called Space Adventures says it will be able to provide the ultimate getaway – a trip to space – in a small rocket-plane by 2005. Each plane will accommodate 1 pilot and 1 tourist who’ll experience 1 hour of flying at altitudes up to 100 km (60 miles). Passengers will experience several minutes of weightlessness and see Earth from space – for only $98,000. (If I wanna drop 100 grand in an hour while on vacation, I’ll just go back to Vegas.)

STRIPPER TIPPERS:
Who woulda thought watching peelers involved such strict etiquette? According to the Website ‘The Original Tipper Page’, the proper tip for an exotic dancer is a minimum $3 per song per person sitting stage-side. If patrons are at a table, they should at least get up once during each song to tip a minimum of a dollar. (Which should be discreetly tucked into the G-string using a thumb and forefinger and without any tacky leering.)

YOUNG BUCKS:
Mobile phones top the list of products important to young people, according to a new survey commissioned by the Commonwealth Consumer Affairs Advisory Council to identify consumer issues facing young people and what can be done to teach them sound consumer habits. Other key consumer items for the young are credit cards, vehicles and accommodation. (What was most important when you were a teenager? Tunes? Beer?)

FAT CHANCE:
A man weighing 300 kg (660 lb) needed 16 firemen, a crane and a truck to reach a hospital in Stuttgart, Germany. The big guy was too sick to move himself and too large to be carried down the stairs from his apartment, so instead firemen took him to the window to be lowered by crane onto a hospital bed fastened to the roof of a firetruck. (Thanks, buddy. I’m feeling much better about my diet.)

SO WHAT ELSE IS NEW?
A new Stanford University study suggests that women’s brains are wired to both feel and recall emotions more keenly than the brains of men. After testing groups of women and men, a team of psychologists found that women’s recollections were up to 15% more accurate. (This is why your wife can prove you’re wrong based on something you happened to mention 8 years ago.)

NEW CENTURY JARGON:
• ‘Tear-up’ – A current trend whereby a small house is made larger by adding a 2nd story or busting out its backside. The opposite of the ’90s trend, ‘teardowns’, when small houses were torn down to the foundation and rebuilt larger.
• ‘Cryptids’ – Legendary hidden animals or beings such as ‘Bigfoot’, ‘Sasquatch’, ‘Nessie’, ‘Yeti’. People who study such phenomena are now known as ‘cryptozoologists’.
NET: http://www.cryptids.info/index_flash.html
• ‘Digital Depression’ – A newly-named syndrome caused by a daily overload of technology.  The Business Resource Group says workers are increasingly stressed because new technologies makes it possible for them to be interrupted constantly and they can’t work solely on one task until it’s finished. (Like for instance, oh hang on a sec, my cellphone’s ring….)
• ‘Legible Cities’ – Communities that are easy to navigate on foot. Britain’s Department of Transport is drawing up plans for a ‘national walking strategy’ to develop legible cities where young and old can find their way safely on foot. (And likely quicker than driving in rush hour.)

BS AMAZING FACT:
Internet casino betwwwts.com has posted 5 to 7 odds that there will be a MLB baseball strike by the end of this season. (In other words, it’s pretty much a done deal.)

THE BULL SHEET 07.24.2K2

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1914 [88] Ed Mirvish, Washington DC, Toronto retailer (Honest Ed’s)/theatrical producer (“Miss Saigon”) who held his giant annual birthday party last weekend on a downtown street

1957 [45] Pam Tillis, Plant City FL, country singer/songwriter (“Every Time”, “I Said a Prayer”)

1964 [38] Barry Bonds, Riverside CA, MLB slugger who set the season home run record of 73  last year (San Francisco Giants)/only major leaguer to reach combo of 400 home runs and 400 steals/17th major-leaguer to hit 500 home runs/his godfather is baseball Hall of Famer Willie Mays

1970 [32] Jennifer Lopez, Bronx NY, pop singer (“I’m Gonna Be Alright”, “If You Had My Love”)/movie actress (“The Cell”, “Out of Sight”, “Selena”) who’s had her body insured for $1 billion and her infamous tush protected by a $300-million policy/Ben Affleck’s lover?  NEXT MOVIE: Plays a hotel maid opposite Ralph Fiennes in the romantic comedy “Uptown Girl”, opening DECEMBER 25

1982 [20] Anna Paquin, Winnipeg MB [raised New Zealand], film actress (‘Marie/Rogue’-“X-Men”, “Almost Famous”, Academy Award-“The Piano”)  NEXT MOVIE: Co-stars with Edward Norton in the crime drama “The 25th Hour”, also opening DECEMBER 25

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Cousins Day”, to honor all cousins who are living and pay homage to those who aren’t. (Or, as it’s known in [your co-host’s] family, ‘Spouses Day’.)

TODAY is “Virtual Love Day”, which is either about finding that special someone on the Internet or something mom said makes you go blind.

TOMORROW-Sunday is the “2002 Nanaimo Marine Festival” in Nanaimo BC, highlighted by the 35th annual “World Championship Bathtub Race” featuring high-powered racing tubs. So how do you alter a bathtub for speed?
PHONER: 250-753-7223 (Loyal Nanaimo Bathtub Society)
NET: http://bathtub.island.net

TOMORROW-Saturday is the annual “Great Texas Mosquito Festival” in Clute TX, home of the world’s largest mosquito, ‘Willie Man Chew’. Participants will put on their bug repellent and celebrate with a 5K ‘mosquito chase’ and a ‘mosquito-calling contest’. Ask for sound samples.
PHONER: 800-371-2971/979-265-8392

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1938 [64] 1st ‘instant coffee’ marketed

1995 [07] 1st female announcer to do a network MLB game (Suzyn Waldman-“ABC Monday Night Baseball”) Should more women be doing play-by-play?

TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1988 [14] World’s largest ‘ice cream shake’ weighs in at 54,914 lbs (Edmonton AB)

1988 [14] 9-year-old Emma Houlston from Medicine Hat AB lands in NF to become youngest to fly across Canada

1991 [11] Joann Osterud sets ‘inverted flight’ record with upside down flight of 4 hrs, 38 mins (her face stays red for 4 weeks, 38 hours)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] Commonwealth Games begin (Manchester ENG)
[Fri] Aunt & Uncle Day
[Sun] Parent’s Day
[Sun] 2002 Baseball Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony
Equal Parents Week
Hitchhiking Month (aka ‘Invite a Homicidal Maniac Into Your Car Month’)

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS WHYZITS:
• Whyzit if there’s a 50-50 chance, 95% of the time you will choose the wrong one?
• Whyzit some people can remember every detail of the dumbest joke you ever heard but can’t remember how many times they’ve already told it to you?
• Whyzit that whenever a friend or relative who is not totally enthralled by your German Shepherd comes over to the house, your dog will immediately begin to seek love in all the wrong places?
• Whyzit bottled water has an expiration date?
• Whyzit you have to wash bath towels? Aren’t you clean when you use them?
• Whyzit they make scented toilet paper?
• Whyzit a clock radio ‘goes off’ by ‘going on’.

FAMOUS LAST WORDS:
Ask listeners to call in ideas for this. A few to get them started –
• “I’ll get a world record for this!”
• “Let me just reach in and get your watch out of the printing press.”
• “Gee, that’s a cute tattoo.”
• “Don’t worry, it’s fireproof.”
• “I’m making a Citizen’s Arrest!”
• “So, you’re a cannibal?”
• “Which wire was I supposed to cut?”
• “Don’t worry I saw this done on TV.”
• “Oh look, there’s an attachment to that e-mail!”

UGLY COUCH CONTEST:
Here’s an idea that would make a good promo tie-in. The Sure Fit slipcover company is looking for the ugliest couch in the country and will award its owner a $10,000 living room by an interior designer. The national ugly couch contest wraps up August 15, but why not run your own? Put the best…er worst…entries on your Website for all to see. Award the winner the sofa of their choice from your furniture store sponsor.

BS ‘WHO SAID IT?’:
GAME #1 —
“There is two kinds of music, the good and bad. I play the good kind.”
a) Sheryl Crow
b) Mozart
c) Louis Armstrong
ANSWER: Louis Armstrong.

GAME #2 —
“If we could give every individual the right amount of nourishment and exercise, not too little and not too much, we would have found the safest way to health.”
a) Marlon Brando
b) Jenny Craig
c) Hippocrates
ANSWER: Hippocrates.

BS PHONE STARTERS:
• “Which material possession can you NOT live without?”
• “Is saving a pet’s life a 9-1-1 emergency?” (A Newport PA woman has been charged with making a false alarm because she called 9-1-1 when the family dog stopped breathing.)

BS Q & A:
Q: Oh my god, you’ve contracted ‘poliosis’! What are you suffering from?
A: There’s a little ‘snow on the roof’ — your hair is turning grey. The word comes from ‘polios’, the Greek word for grey.

Q: Which US state makes the LEAST from tourism?
A: Delaware ranks 50th, just ahead of North Dakota.
Source: “New Yorker”

Q: Which US state has the FEWEST fat people?
A: Arizona has the smallest percentage of obese people.
Source: “Scientific American”

BS CORDLESS PHONE GAME:
Contestant has to be on a cordless or cell phone and must complete whatever commands you shout out within 60 seconds or less. For instance —
• Dump the cutlery tray in the sink.
• Run into the bathroom and flush the toilet.
• Back to the kitchen to put ice cubes in the blender and turn it on.
• Now pour a glass of water and gargle “Happy Birthday to You”.

BS RADIO “JEOPARDY”:
Just like on TV, your contestant must respond in the form of a question. When they can’t, you provide the zinger!
• The answer is ‘it swells at night’. (The correct question is – why is [your co-host’s] brain the size of a pea in the morning?)
• The answer is ‘Grade 4′. (The correct question is – what’s the longest, hardest thing Anna Nicole Smith ever experienced?)
• The answer is ‘A, B, C, D, E, F, G’. (The correct question is — what were some of the earlier forms of Preparation H?)
• The answer is ‘locking the car door’. (The correct question is — what’s [your co-hoist’s] idea of safe sex?)
• The answer is ‘they can’t even keep two calves together’. (The correct question is – why do Hollywood starlets make lousy cowgirls?)
• The answer is ‘cotton balls’. (The correct question is — why don’t bunnies make noise when they make love?)

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: One of these used to weigh about 8 pounds. Nowadays it weighs just about nothing.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: A bathing suit.

BULL MAIL@THEBULLSHEET.COM:
“Just wanted to drop a line to say keep up the good work! I’ve been getting the ‘Bull Sheet’ for years and really count on it. When I occasionally compare it to other prep services, it stands out — it’s actually funny.”
Thanks,
Scott Overton, CIGM Sudbury ON
[Thank you for your positive comments, Scott. Actually we’d like to think BS is more than just funny. Sometimes it’s thought-provoking, sometimes enlightening, sometimes it’s the safety net you need when you’re just not ready to do your show for whatever reason. Hopefully, it’s always USEABLE and good value for about a buck-a-day.]

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
I have a secret fishing spot that nobody knows about — not even the fish.