Thursday, July 18, 2002 Edition: #2337
Being a broadcaster isn’t just a career choice, it’s a calling. You should hear some of the things I’ve been called!
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TODAY this year’s “Emmy Award” nominations will be announced, with “The West Wing”, “24″, “Sex & the City”, and “Six Feet Under” likely to be in the hunt for multiple nods (ceremony is SEPTEMBER 22 in LA) . . . As has become their pre-tour tradition, the Rolling Stones have gathered in Toronto to begin rehearsals for their upcoming tour which kicks off SEPTEMBER 5 in Boston . . . Not surprisingly, “American Idol’s” mean-mouthed Brit judge Simon Cowell has a personal body guard with him everywhere he goes (he’s made simpering an art form) . . . J-Lo poses nude in a shower in the new ad for her fragrance ‘Glow’, with only a carefully-placed arm discretely covering her breasts (a 16-wheel semi covers her butt) . . . While the king of chick-flicks Hugh Grant was hitting golf balls at a West London driving range, a hit-‘n-run driver was in the parking lot hitting his spanking new $250,000 Aston Martin V12 Vanquish that he waited 2 years to have custom-built — so poor Hugh will have to pick up the $12,500 repair tab (oh no, now he’ll make “Notting Hill 2″!) . . . Jennifer Aniston has reportedly taken up ‘cardio-striptease’, Hollywood’s latest fitness craze that involves peeling while prancing around a pole (you can bet Brad’s happy ‘bout it) . . . Just-turned-60 geezer actor Harrison Ford is now sporting an earring (it’s not a fashion statement, it’s to hang his colostomy bag from) . . . “Jerry Springer” is #1 in “TV Guide’s” new list of the ‘Worst TV Shows of All-Time’ (the only list he’ll ever top) . . . Demi Moore & Red Hot Chili Peppers frontman Antony Keidis have been spotted looking ‘intimate’ (is it love or just Californication?) . . . Pop has-been George Michael (born Georgios Kyriacos Panayiotou) has signed on to write the theme song for the 2004 Olympic Games in Greece (who better to write a ‘Greek-style’ tune?) . . . And 62-year-old ‘Queen of Soul’ Aretha Franklin has announced a ‘farewell tour’ for NEXT YEAR, when she’ll attempt to hit all 50 US states.
MOVIES IN THE MAKING:
The next video-game-turned-movie will be “Aliens vs Predator” directed by Paul Anderson who’s already made “Resident Evil” & ”Mortal Kombat” (what’s next “Pong: The Movie”?) . . . He’s a virtual walking cartoon so you’d think Jim Carrey must have voiced an animated film somewhere along the line, but nope — his first will be an upcoming DreamWorks project called “Over the Hedge” . . . Just call it “Scooby 2″ — Disney is bringing “The Shaggy Dog” back to the bigscreen (for about the 95th time), this time in a live action/computer animation version . . . A remake of Toronto director David Cronenberg’s 1981 thriller “Scanners” is in the works, featuring jazzed up new FX . . . The best-known superheroes will come to blows over a difference of opinion in “Batman vs Superman”, due out in summer 2004 . . . And a remake of the 1967 classic “Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner” which starred Sidney Poitier, Spencer Tracy & Katharine Hepburn is in the works, this time starring — FOX-TV’s Bernie Mac (sacrilege!).
KEYS TO COMPATIBILITY:
University of London psychologist Glenn Wilson has spent 20 years developing his so-called ‘Compatibility Quotient’, which measures what couples have in common. Among his findings, agreement on some of the most basic things is important. For instance –
• Couples who like similar foods are 3 times more likely to stay happy.
• Couples who like the same TV shows 3.5 times more likely to be compatible.
• Couples with differing opinions on pornography and politics are most likely doomed in the long run.
Source: “London Observer”
FOR THE RECORD:
“Runner’s World” reports that Everett Hosack of Ohio has set a new world record in the 100-meter dash — 43 seconds. A tad slow, you say? Not if you consider that he’s 100 YEARS OLD and the record is for men 100-plus. (He would’ve had a better time but his wheels kept spinning.)
WEIRD WORLD OF BS:
• Man bites snake! A farmer in Alisa, India killed a cobra that bit him — by biting back! The “Hindustan Times” reports the farmer is now recovering after receiving anti-venom treatment. (The snake, however, has discovered the ‘circle of life’ and is looking forward to a future as a nifty looking belt.)
• Been following the Barrie ON trial of Laura Sclater, the 31-year-old teacher charged with sexual misconduct for allegedly seducing a then-13-year-old male student? This week her teacher/hubby testified he failed to notice anything unusual even though he saw notes his wife wrote the kid calling him ‘big stud’ and ‘hottie’. (Mothers consider this conduct disgusting. Fathers are quietly thinking, that lucky bastard!)
• In an attempt to help reduce the divorce rate, Malaysia’s government is urging spouses to call each other by ‘affectionate names’. Family development minister Shahrizat Abdul Jalil says those who haven’t tried it may feel shy at first, but the practice will help deepen relationships. (“What’s for dinner, my little tub of goo?” “Get your own, my lazy-ass darling.”)
• A West Bridgewater MA police officer has saved a life by performing mouth-to-mouth CPR on a pedestrian hit by a car. Not notable except the victim was — a pit bull named ‘Cinnamon’. (Ewww, don’t you suddenly feel the need to brush your teeth?)
BS AMAZING FACT:
‘Braces’ aren’t just a kid thing anymore. At least 20% or 1 million of the 5 million people in Canada and the US being treated by orthodontists are 18 or older. (Excuse me a sec while I dunk my retainer in my coffee.)
THE BULL SHEET 07.18.2K2
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1911  Hume Cronyn, London ON, film actor (“The Pelican Brief”, “Cocoon”)/actress Jessica Tandy’s widower
1921  John Glenn, Cambridge OH, astronaut (1st American to orbit Earth in 1962/became oldest astronaut at age 77 in 1998)/US Senator (1975-1999)
1940  James Brolin (Bruderlin), LA CA, movie actor (“Traffic”)/TV actor (“Pensacola: Wings of Gold”)/Mr Barbra Streisand
1940  Joe Torre, Brooklyn NY, MLB manager (4 World Series championships-NY Yankees)
1941  Martha Reeves, Detroit MI, Motown oldies singer (Martha & the Vandellas-“Heat Wave”, “Dancing in the Street”)
1954  Ricky Skaggs, Cordell KY, country singer (“Heartbroke”)/Grand Ole Opry host
1962  Jack Irons, rock drummer (Pearl Jam-“Last Kiss”)
1967  Vin Diesel, NYC, movie actor (“The Fast & the Furious”, “Saving Private Ryan”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[Muirfield, Scotland] “British Open” golf begins
TODAY-July 27 “Klondike Days 2002” are on in Edmonton, beginning with a colorful parade and continuing with 10 days of midway rides, live entertainment, chuckwagon racing, and of course, those popular little mini-donuts.
TODAY is “Stick Your Tongue Out Day” for some long forgotten reason. Anyway, now that you have it out try rolling it into a cylinder — only 1 in 14 people can do that. (And what a useful talent to have!)
TODAY is “National Caviar Day”, a good day to scoop out your goldfish bowl before dinner.
TODAY is “Cow Appreciation Day”, a day to celebrate the ‘beauty of the bovine’, so don’t forget to polish your shoes, rub your wallet and throw another burger on the grill.
TODAY-Sunday the 22nd annual “Hemingway Days Festival” parties in Key West FL, celebrating the life and lifestyle of famed author Ernest Hemingway. The ‘Hemingway Look-Alike’ Contest is a highlight.
PHONER: 305-294-5717 ext 17 (Sloppy Joe’s Bar)
TODAY the “Bobby Jones Open” charity golf tournament gets underway in Lexington KY, a truly unusual event because — it’s only open to players named ‘Bobby Jones’. About 60 Joneses are expected to play in the 3-day event so how will they make any sense out of the leader board? Organizer Bob Jones — who else? — says each participant has picked a nickname based on their job or home town. Tournament proceeds go to research for a spinal nerve disorder that afflicted the tournament’s namesake, legendary golfer Bobby Jones.
10 YEARS AGO . . .
1992 Whitney Houston marries Bobby Brown in a gazebo on her Mendham NJ estate
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1936  1st Oscar Mayer ‘Wienermobile’ (THIS MONTH is “National Hot Dog Month”. Hot dogs used to be eaten bunless, with the seller lending the eater protective gloves to wear. Then, an enterprising vendor named Anton Feuchtwanger developed the 1st ‘hot dog bun’. He changed the name to ‘hot dog’ because he had trouble selling ‘Foot-long Feuchtwangers’.)
1989  1st ‘toilet seat alarm system’ patented, a device that sounds an alarm whenever the seat is not lowered after the toilet is flushed (Blake Warrington, Dublin CA)
1994  Crayola introduces 1st ‘scented crayons’ (mmmm, smells like wax!)
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1980  World record set for ‘catching a grape in your mouth’ (319 ft-8 in)
1994  Italian Rosanna Della Corte becomes ‘world’s oldest-known woman to give birth’, at age 62 (now her son Ricardo changes HER diapers)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Sat] National Lollipop Day
[Sun] National Ice Cream Day
[Tues] Hot Enough For Ya? Day
[Tues-July 29] Pope’s World Youth Day visit to Toronto
[July 25] Commonwealth Games begin (Manchester ENG)
[July 31] National Orgasm Day
Lyme Disease Awareness Week
Purposeful Parenting Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS SFX THEATER:
You tell the story line by line, while a listener on the phone or a studio guest provides the sound effects as best they can. Today’s story is called “The Heat Wave” –
You wake up knowing it’s going to be another really, really hot day. You know this because your back is stuck to the sheets like a suction cup [SFX]. You drag yourself downstairs only to discover another brown-out has cut the power so there’s no way to make breakfast. Your stomach growls [SFX]. You open the door [SFX] and drop an egg on the driveway [SFX] which fries up in no time [SFX]. Your neighbor greets you with that annoying question everyone always asks on a steamy day [SFX]. When you get in the car for your daily commute you notice that all of the coolant is leaking from AC [SFX]. You burn your hands on the steering wheel [SFX]. You can hear the sweat dripping off your nose all the way to work [SFX]. When you try to leave your car in the parking lot, you experience searing pain as your butt rips away from the searing hot vinyl seat [SFX]. You curse under your breath when you find there’s also no air in the office due to the brown-out [SFX]. You can’t believe how thirsty you are as you glug down a couple of gallons at the water cooler [SFX]. But your mood brightens and you actually begin whistling a happy tune when you remember you keep emergency supplies in your desk [SFX]. You breath a giant sigh of relief [SFX] after making use of the newest product from Altoids – curiously strong mint….suppositories. Ah, that feels good [SFX]!
The Laurel Canyon Animal Company specializes in music about or by animals. So far, it’s released the CDs “Cat-a-Tonic” and “Ugly Dogs Need More Love”. Later THIS MONTH they’ll release the album “Bird Beat” featuring a yellow-headed Amazon parrot named ‘Carla’ that impersonates Ethel Merman. Her tune “Zippety-do-dah, I’m a green chicken” is set for single release. You can order CDs or get free audio clips online.
ARIES: Excellent day to act childish. For example, when’s the last time you ordered a drink with a straw and blew bubbles in it? Or you could pout, if you want. Unfortunately, nobody will notice any difference.
TAURUS: This is the perfect time to act like a complete nut case. Unfortunately, nobody will notice any difference.
GEMINI: Great week for you, twinsey! You will switch friends and lovers at least 50 times. What’s your phone number, anyway?
CANCER: Nobody cares how you feel this week. You are WAY too whiny and pitiful. People will just look at you like you’re nuts. You are. Get a grip. Go have a good cry. Talk to your plants.
LEO: You will make several somewhat inadvisable impulse purchases today. Fortunately, you
will be able to return all of them, except for the Hormel ‘100 Years Of SPAM!’ decorative wall clock.
VIRGO: Everything will go beautifully this week at work. You’ll get everything done, just right, in record time. You will receive a raise. However, your company will go broke because you missed ONE tiny detail last week. Oops!
LIBRA: Your incisors will seem to be getting longer today, and you will find sunlight hurts your eyes. Probably just a cold, and nothing to worry about.
SCORPIO: Good time to invest in collectible things you never had any use for. Loonies may make a good start. Unlike your usual investments, the value of those can only plummet so far.
SAGITTARIUS: Your absolutely fabulous ideas are applauded by all, until it is discovered that they are all founded on complete falsehoods. Your reputation will be ruined and you will run away to a far-far land.
CAPRICORN: Due to your supreme skill at an obscure video game, you will be abducted by aliens and asked to save their race from annihilation at the hands of evil creatures from between the stars.
AQUARIUS: Better have that spot checked out by a doctor. Sure it may look benign, but sometimes those carpet stains can spread!
PISCES: There is so much more to life than sleep! Wake up or you’ll miss some really mediocre summer reality shows on TV!
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: 45% of wives say their husbands do this, but only 5% of husbands will admit they do it.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Snore.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook.