Thursday, July 4, 2002 Edition: #2333
A career is a job that takes about 20 more hours a week.
“WEEKLY WORLD NEWS” HEADLINES:
• “Magic Pill Turns Couch Potatoes Into Hunks & Hotties!”
• “Hey Kids! The Monster Under Your Bed Is Real!”
• “J-Lo’s Face On the New $1 Coin?”
• “Shocking Scientific Discovery: Pigs Can Fly!”
• “Amazing New Car Runs on Urine!”
• “2-Headed Man Runs for Mayor — Against Himself!”
• “Man Picks His Nose and Finds a Pearl!”
OTHER BS TRASHY TABLOID TIDBITS:
• Brian Grazer, the Oscar-winning producer of “A Beautiful Mind”, tells the “Sun” tabloid that Eminem may be the man to beat for the ’Best Actor’ Academy Award NEXT YEAR. He claims Em’s acting in the upcoming semi-autobiographical flick “Eight Mile” is reminiscent of the young Sylvester Stallone in “Rocky”. (Does that mean we won’t understand anything he says?)
• If you believe “Star” magazine, love-sick 40-year-old actress Meg Ryan has been virtually stalking actor Russell Crowe, bombarding him with hundreds of e-mails, letters and phone calls in a desperate bid to bring him back into her life even though he unceremoniously dumped her a year-and-a-half-ago. (Don’t you hate that when that happens?)
• “PeopleNews” reports Aussie pop pixie Kylie Minogue will pose for a new book of ‘tasteful nude shots of the rich and famous’ by photographer Lisa B to be called “The Naked Truth”. (What makes a skin pic ‘tasteful’? Air-brushing?)
• “National Enquirer” reports that Prince Charles’ #2 son, Prince Harry, has been turned down for one of 12 spots as a prefect at Eton College. A prefect’s job is to help the school’s masters keep an eye on students, including catching them when they sneak out to local pubs — something Harry has admitted to, along with smoking pot. That, plus his mandatory random drug tests, disqualified him from the position. (The good news is, the other members of his dorm have elected him ‘Chief Party Viking’.)
• Just as her shoplifting and drug possession trial is about to get underway, “Star” quotes people purportedly ‘close’ to actress Winona Ryder as saying she has been seeking solace in drugs ever since her split from actor Matt Damon 2 years ago. One unidentified ‘friend’ says, “What she needs is to go into rehab.” (Unless her lawyer gets her off, she’ll be doing that behind bars.)
• “Sun” reports Ozzy Osbourne’s daughter Kelly is ‘sex-starved’ even though she’s now a model and singer as well as a famous ‘actress’. In fact, she tells the tab hasn’t even kissed anyone for a year. (Here’s a tip, hon’ – lose the pink hair.)
• The Osbournes may be America’s favorite dysfunctional family, but “NY Post” reports the ‘Prince of Darkness’ and his kooky kin have been turned down in their application to buy a $7-million, 48th-floor spread in NYC’s Trump Palace condominium. The excuse being offered by the condo board — the building is no longer accepting new dogs and the Osbournes have three. (Is that anyway to talk about a perfectly nice family?)
• “Men in Black 2″ co-star Tommy Lee Jones threatened to walk from a promotional photo shoot for the movie if he spied anyone wearing a T-shirt. And “PeopleNews” claims he further demanded that all labels be removed from remaining clothing because they ‘freak him out’. A publicist confirms ‘Tommy Lee is not a T-shirt or label kind of guy’. (Are we difficult….or just freakin’ looney?)
THE PERILS OF SPANKING:
New Columbia University research shows that spanking may get a child’s attention right away, but it can lead to children becoming aggressive and possibly even abusive, hostile or violent as adults. (So if you beat a kid, they grow up thinking whacking others to get your way is normal – wow, what a surprise!)
HEY, LOOK WHAT WE FOUND!
Archaeologists in China have uncovered 7 ancient bronze dildos in a tomb dating from the Han Dynasty (206 BC-25 AD). The dildos were cast from a mold, suggesting they were made by a specialist artisan. Archaeologists say they could have been used by eunuchs or perhaps by palace maids on sexually-deprived imperial concubines.
SINGLE STUDS SHY AWAY FROM SHACKLES:
Rutgers University’s ‘National Marriage Project’ has found the main reason many of today’s young men don’t want to get married is — they’re comfortable with their current arrangement just living with a woman. Other reasons include fears over the cost of divorce and worries about having to share responsibility for child-care. (Irresponsible wimps! Of course, they’re also right.)
CATS ARE JUST HUMORING US:
Cornell University animal behaviorist Nicholas Nicastro says that a cat’s meow is unusual because cats never use the sound with each other. Communication between felines usually involves only hissing, spitting and purring. Nicastro reckons that over the course of more than 5,000 years of domestication, cats developed meows in order to speak to humans. Cats do not use words, he says (rather obviously) but communicate whole thoughts such as ‘open the tuna, ‘move over’, or ‘change the litter’. (Not to mention ‘get out of my face, bald-bodied loser’.)
BEAST TRAITS:
Animals have distinct personalities, according to researchers at Britain’s University of Portsmouth. For instance, monkeys tend to be hostile rather than cheeky, hyenas are assertive, chimps are devious, and hedgehogs are generally grumpy. (And humans are….? Stupid?)
FORGET ABOUT WRITING THAT NOVEL:
The time people spend reading fiction for pleasure has dropped to an average of just 11 minutes a day. Newspapers have taken over as the most popular form of reading material, with the average person devoting 17 minutes a day to the news.
AND YOU THOUGHT THE RINGING WAS ANNOYING:
Samsung’s new ‘Melody Phone’, to be launched in South Korea NEXT WEEK, features a ‘Palm Top Karaoke’ function that allows users to sample themselves singing. The handset uses natural-sounding 16 chord progression technology to reproduce sound clips. (Like having karaoke in bars wasn’t bad enough, now it’s spreading everywhere. It’s a conspiracy!)
LENSES YOU CAN’T LOSE:
Australian scientists have invented a contact lens which can be worn for up to 5 years. Researchers in Sydney say the lenses can be implanted under the surface of the cornea thanks to an anti-bacterial coating that stops infections. They can then be removed and replaced whenever a patient’s eyesight changes. (This may stop your spouse from turning your bathroom into a science lab with all those contact lens chemicals!)
A CLOSE SHAVE:
The good folks at Gillette have determined that –
• The average man spends 3,350 hours (about 140 days) of his life shaving.
• Your beard would be approximately 30 feet long if you never shaved.
• You would put on an extra pound (in hair) every 16 years if you never shaved.
• Dry beard hair is as tough as copper wire of the same thickness.
• A whisker is 70% easier to cut after being soaked 2 minutes in warm water.
THE BULL SHEET 07.04.2K2
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1918 [D-June 22, 2002] Ann Landers, Sioux City IA, newspaper advice columnist (her twin sister, “Dear Abby” advice columnist Abigail Van Buren turns 84)
1930 [71] George Steinbrenner, Rocky River OH, NY Yankees owner/shipping magnate
1943 [59] Geraldo Rivera, NYC, obnoxious journalist/former talk show host (Fox News)
1963 [39] Matt Malley, rock musician (Counting Crows-“Mr Jones”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[USA] “National Country Music Day”
TODAY is the “Independence Day” holiday in the USA. Among the more unusual “4th of July” festivals – the “International Cherry Pit Spitting Contest” in Eau Claire MI, the “World’s Greatest Lizard Race” in Lovington NM, and the “12th Annual Sidewalk Egg-Frying Challenge” in Oatman AZ (heck, we could do that here!).
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1937 [65] 1st successful ‘helicopter flight’ (coincidently that helicopter is still being used by the Canadian Armed Forces)
1939 [63] NY Yankees ‘retire’ 1st baseball uniform (Lou Gehrig’s #4)
1970 [32] Casey Kasem hosts syndicated radio show “American Top 40″ for the first time
TODAY’S RECORDS. . .
1983 [19] ‘Longest tree sit’ begins, eventually lasting 431 days
1999 [03] Tampa Bay Devil Rays’ Jose Canseco smacks his 30th HR of the season vs Toronto to become 1st MLB player to hit 30 homers with 4 different teams (also did it with Texas Rangers, Toronto Blue Jays, and with the Oakland Athletics 5 times)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Fri] Workaholics Day
[Sat] Fried Chicken Day
[Sun] Father-Daughter Take a Walk Together Day
[Mon] Video Games Day
[Tues] MLB All-Star Game
[July 11-21] 20th Just For Laughs comedy festival (Montréal)
[July 23-29] Pope’s World Youth Day visit to Toronto
Freedom Week
Picnic Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS LAWS STILL ON THE BOOKS:
• It is against the law to remove your shoes if your feet smell bad while you’re in a theater in Winnetka, Illinois.
• Any boy under the age of 10 may not see a naked mannequin in Britain.
• In California, nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.
• Every citizen of Kentucky is required by law to take a bath — once a year.
• It is perfectly legal to shoot a Scotsman with a bow and arrow — except on Sundays.
• In Ohio, pets must carry lights at night — on their tails.
• It is illegal to drive more than 2,000 sheep down LA’s Hollywood Boulevard at one time.
YOU KNOW YOU’RE IN RADIO IF —
• The only mail you get are memos, normally 6 a day.
• Your bank and credit card debt is more than you make in a year.
• When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone with the station call letters.
• When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial ‘0′ to get an outside line.
• Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
• Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you lost all of your best jokes.
• Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.
• Being sick is defined as you can’t walk or you’re in the hospital.
• There’s no money in the budget for the 5 permanent staff your department desperately needs, but they can afford 4 full-time management consultants advising your boss’s boss on strategy.
• Your relatives and family describe your job as ‘not a real job’.
(Cheer up! There’s no heavy lifting.)
SPEAKING CANAJUN:
CSIS could use the following test on suspects to find out if they are truly Canadian citizens.
Contestants must use the 3 purely Canadian expressions in a single cohesive sentence that makes sense.
GAME #1 –
• ‘bargoon’ (bargain), ‘skunky’ (as in beer), and ‘toque’ (or ‘tuque’).
GAME # 2 –
• ‘coffee whitener’, ‘Robertson screwdriver’, and ‘Tim Bits’ (as in Horton’s).
GAME #3 –
• ‘chesterfield’, ‘deke’ (as in a smooth move), and ‘mickey’ (bottle of booze).
GAME #4 –
• ‘Screech’ (Newfie rum), ‘KD’ (Kraft Dinner), and ‘poutine’.
ALL-TIME TOP MOVIES IN DOMESTIC BOX OFFICE:
1. “Titanic” ($601 million)
2. “Star Wars” ($461 million)
3. ”ET – The Extra-Terrestrial” ($435 million)
4. “The Phantom Menace” ($431 million)
5. “Spider-Man” ($396 million)
Source: Box Office Mojo
BS Q & A:
Q: Which plant was developed in Canada — canna, canola, or cantaloupe?
A: Canola.
Q: What does the Huron-Iroquois word ‘Kanata’ — the origin of the name of ‘Canada’ — mean?
A: Settlement or village.
Q: What were bathing caps invented to prevent?
A: Clogged drains. Consumers were told they were also to help preserve their hair follicles.
Q: What kind of tree is most often struck by lightning?
A: Oak.
Q: What legendary table seated 150?
A: King Arthur’s ‘Round Table’.
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Think of the guys you know. 18% of them get married for this reason.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: To get out of housework.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Think! It gives you something to do while the computer is down.
