Wednesday, July 11, 2001 Edition: #2096
Walking that thin line between good taste and high ratings.
We can’t tell the whole jokes due to their content, but here’s a sampling of . . .
BS ALL-STAR PUNCH LINES:
• That’s no cattle rancher. That’s my sister.
• Stand back, Marge. I don’t know just how big this thing gets!
• Would you mind giving me a hand holding down this bear?
• This was fine, but I actually meant I wanted to DINE out this evening.
• In all fairness, you did say, “Tell the milkman where he can stick it.”
• Why not? The room’s already paid for.
• If the woman was behind the OTHER door, then what the heck is behind THIS one?
• Rectum? I damn near killed ’em!
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
“Mr Bean” actor Rowan Atkinson was uninjured after crashing his Aston Martin during a weekend car race in London (the accident apparently occurred when a baby blue 3-wheeled vehicle cut in front of him) . . . Now that Backstreet Boy AJ McLean has entered 30-day rehab for depression and alcohol abuse, the group’s North American tour is re-scheduled to resume in Vancouver August 7th and end in Edmonton September 28th (the depression apparently came on when he had a brief but crystal-clear vision of what he does for a living) . . . Publicists for Tom Green and Drew Barrymore now say they were officially married SATURDAY in a beachfront ceremony in Malibu (who cares, remember the boy who cried wolf?) . . . CBS-TV is now saying it may dump its proposed plans for a celebrity edition of “Survivor” (because being on “Survivor” MAKES you a celebrity) . . . Actress Charlize Theron is now demanding ‘smoke-free sets’ so she can kick her habit (her habit being the same as other egocentric Hollywood types — making demands) . . . With his recent brain tumor treatment in Switzerland, George Harrison has now survived 7 major medical problems – plus a stabbing . . . The video for Melissa Etheridge’s new single “I Want to Be in Love” features none other than Jennifer Aniston (and the good news is — it’s with you, Jen) . . . Here’s something unusual — there are absolutely NO celeb freebies at Madonna’s “Drowned World Tour” as Elton John, George Michael, Angelina Jolie and Naomi Campbell have all reportedly been asked to fork out $100-plus to get a ticket (welcome to the real world folks).
WIPE AWAY YOUR HEARTACHE:
Rowanlea Grove Entertainment of Beaverton ON has a new product for those who are extremely bitter over a lost relationship – “X-Wipes”, toilet paper with a pic of your ex- embossed on each tissue. The company touts it as a way to ‘express your true feelings’, but we bet they aren’t ‘cleaning up’ with the product. After all, who can afford $149 for a 4-roll pack . . . after paying alimony?
NET: http://www.halflife.com#mce_temp_url#
(Thanks to Randy Sherwyn, B103 Ft Myers FL)
ROCK OF AGES:
After their drummer barely survived a car accident, a Dusseldorf, Germany band has decided to buy a communal crypt so they can stay together — even when the music stops. The Toten Hosen (‘Dead Trousers’) are even setting up a bar nearby for mourning fans. (A band staying together after they’re dead is nothing new — look at the Rolling Stones.)
RETURNABLE ROCKS:
A British jeweller is offering money back on any engagement ring if your marriage proposal is rejected. That’s quite common, but this store offers a way to avoid the embarrassment of admitting you’ve been turned down — a secret code word. Staff are primed to know the secret word and automatically give you a refund with no explanation required. (The code word is ‘LOSER’.)
FRACTURED FICTION:
Legal secretary Sera Kirk of Vancouver has won this year’s $250 ‘Bulwer-Lytton Prize’ for wretched writing. Her parody of the running of the bulls in Pamplona, Spain about Pomeranian dogs running through the streets of Liechtenstein won her the title of world’s worst writer. The prize is named for 19th-century British writer Edward Bulwer-Lytton, who once began a novel with the infamous words, “It was a dark and stormy night.” The rotten writing of finalists is posted on this Website.
NET: http://www.bulwer-lytton.com
GREY POWER:
Here’s something to look forward to – a new study of women aged 60 to 85 by Britain’s York University shows that most older women feel more confident than when they were younger. They don’t care about grey hair or wrinkles and say they’re now happy to speak their mind, and don’t live in the past (likely because they can’t even remember last Tuesday).
21ST CENTURY PARENTING:
Here’s some gizmos you apparently now need to bring up kids . . .
• The ‘MiWatcher II’ remote monitoring system transmits pictures from a child’s bedroom using the Internet. (By the age of 5, they’ll have it re-programmed to transmit pics from your bedroom to theirs.)
• The ‘Stay Close Alarm’ beeps loudly if your child wanders more than 20 ft away. It was originally designed for — luggage. (A cheaper alternative to this device is called – holding the hand.)
• The ‘Savior One’ alarm sounds when kids get near the swimming pool, then automatically dials for help if they fall in. (Hey, someone get Tommy Lee one of these!)
• The ‘Weemote’ TV remote control allows you to program in the channels your kids are allowed to watch. (This saves valuable breath asking, “What are you watching?”)
• But before you need any of the above, you need ‘Papacheck’, a new Web-based firm offering DNA proof whether or not you’re the actual father of a child. Just swipe the inside of your cheek and the kid’s and send the swabs to the lab in Hamburg, Germany. A week later you get the results via e-mail. (In the form of a sarcastic Father’s Day card.)
NET: http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_310158.html
THE BULL SHEET 07.11.01
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1934 [67] Giorgio Armani, Placenza ITA, fashion designer (Armani suits)
1950 [51] Liona Boyd, born London ENG, raised in Canada, ’The First Lady of the Guitar’/classical guitarist (“Persona”, “Dancing on the Edge”)
1956 [45] Sela Ward, Meridian MS, TV actress (Lily Manning Sammler-“Once and Again”)
1959 [42] Richie Sambora, Passaic NJ, rock guitarist (Bon Jovi-“One Wild Night”)/Mr Heather Locklear
1975 [26] Lil’ Kim, Brooklyn NY, hip hop artist (w/Christine Aguilera, Mya & Pink-“Lady Marmalade”) noted for her skimpy outfits on awards shows
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “National Cheer Up The Lonely Day”, a good day to give [your co-host] a call.
TODAY is “World Population Day”, declared by the UN as a day to focus on the problems of overpopulation. About 150 people are born each minute or close to 1/4-million people daily. World population crossed the 5-billion mark in 1987 and the 6-billion mark in 1999.
Over 100 have registered to participate in Europe’s first-ever “Naked Bum Run” that wobbles along a nudist beach in Zandvoort, Holland THIS WEEK, “Nude Recreation Week”. Naked bun runs are popular elsewhere (Vancouver’s “5th Annual Wreck Beach Bare Buns Run” is coming up July 22nd), but this is a first for Europe. (It’s the ‘running of the bums’.)
ON THIS DAY . . .
2000 Lars Ulrich of heavy metal rockers Metallica is 1st witness to testify at US Senate hearings investigating copyright issues concerning music download sites like Napster (how to ruin it for everyone, Lars!)
2000 Actor Liam Neeson breaks his pelvis after hitting a deer with his Harley (if he’d only been wearing a helmet . . . the deer, we mean)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1088 [913] 1st clock is built (before that, no one was ever ‘late’ for anything)
1906 [95] Senate passes ‘Lord’s Day Act’, officially making Sunday a ‘day of rest’ in Canada
1964 [37] 1st ‘7-11′ convenience store opens (originally named for the store hours, 7am-11pm, and never changed when they went 24 hours)
1985 [16] 1st ‘zippers for stitches’ unveiled by surgeon Dr Harlan Stone who uses them on patients that may need additional operations (“Oops, I forgot my forceps. ZIP! There they are.”)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] Montréal’s “Just for Laughs” festival begins
[Fri] 2008 Olympics site decision, in Moscow (on Friday the 13th!)
[Sat] National Nude Day
[Sun] Molson Indy Toronto (http://www.molsonindy.com)
National Farriers Week (honoring the people who shoe your horse)
National Baked Beans Month (oops, pardon me)
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS PHONE STARTER:
“What do married couples argue about most?” (In a “Redbook” poll, almost half of respondents say ‘money’. The husband’s ‘lack of communication’ is 2nd on the list, followed by ‘household chores’ and ‘in-laws’.)
BS TRIVIA:
Q: What athletes get a ‘sex allowance’ — baseball players, international soccer players, or thoroughbred horses?
A: It’s a term in thoroughbred horse racing, but don’t get all excited. The ‘sex allowance’ is the number of fewer pounds that fillies are required to carry when they race against male horses.
MONEY:
It can buy a house, but not a home. It can buy a bed, but not sleep. It can buy a clock, but not time. It can buy you a book, but not knowledge. It can buy you a position, but not respect. It can buy you medicine, but not health. It can buy you blood, but not life. It can buy you sex, but not love. So you see, money isn’t everything.
BS TAG LINE: If the shoe fits, get another one just like it!
