Tuesday, July 10, 2001        Edition: #2095
100% pure BS!

BS LEAST POPULAR WEB SITES:
• How to lance a boil.
• The Pam Anderson fully-clothed home page.
• GeezerGouger.com
• Complete list of doctors in your area who perform castrations.
• The ‘Attention Suckers’ Web-shopping domain.
• Real time video of the contents of the human stomach.
• 10,000 naked pics of Rosie O’Donnell.
• Rapidly blinking graphics that cause epileptic seizures.
• Roger Ebert’s home sex tapes.

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Kevin Carlyon, a high priest of British White Witches, says there’s a major error in the trailer for “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone” in which ‘Harry’ is shown riding a broomstick with the brush part at the rear — apparently that’s backwards (well OK, but wouldn’t you go much faster using a vacuum?) . . . Meantime, Warner Bros is said to be asking $70 million for future TV rights to the film — over twice what “Titanic” got (the hype is just beginning — by the time it opens NOVEMBER 16, we’re gonna be sick to death of this flick!)  . . . Late artist Andy Warhol’s oceanfront estate on Long Island, where he entertained the likes of Mick Jagger and Jackie Onassis, is for sale — for an astronomical $50 million (needs a lot of re-decorating — like painting over all those giant soup cans on the walls) . . . “Practice” star and proud new mom Camryn Manheim reportedly likes to entertain guests with a graphic video of her giving birth to her son (OK, that mental picture has put me right off breakfast)  . . . And Eminem says of Madonna’s ‘Drowned World Tour’ – “I wasn’t impressed with her recent live shows, I’d rather sit in a dentist’s chair” (proving men can be catty too).

TODAY’S DVD & VIDEO RELEASES:
Kevin Costner stars in “Thirteen Days”, the dramatic story of the 1962 Cuban missile crisis (which he screened for Fidel Castro) . . . Brendan Fraser stars in the animated fantasy “Monkeybone”, about a comic book author who gets sucked into his own creations . . . There’s also a new DVD box set of the Bruce Willis’ “Die Hard” series and another of Mike Myers’ “Wayne’s World: The Complete Epic”.

WRINKLE RECORD:
Amy Hulmes of Manchester, England has become the world’s oldest person at the age of 113. She attributes her longevity to 4 bottles of stout (beer) a day. She gave up smoking at 84, fearing it might hurt her health. And she brags she could still touch her toes at 105. (Well yeah, but that was after her legs were amputated.)

EVER SEEN A FAT WINO?
Researchers at Colorado State University say that wine helps people lose weight. (Well, it’s not the actual wine, it’s the wandering around looking for your car that makes you lose weight.)

TURN IN YOUR AGUILERAS:
If you live in the country of Oman in the Middle East and you own a genie, the government says you have to turn it in. Private ownership of genies is now banned. (Hey, my bottle says ‘No deposit, no return’!)

AND BEWARE THE DEADLY BURRITO:
The US military is developing a weapon that emits a bass rumble so low it causes anyone within earshot to — well, lose control of their bowels. Only problem is it affects EVERYONE who hears it, including American troops. (Forget the missile shield, we need industrial-strength Depends!)

NO Z’S DISEASE:
According to the Mayo Clinic, 1 in 6 adults suffers from insomnia. (They’ve obviously never watched “Pearl Harbor”.)

SEX ATTACK:
UN’s World Health Organization recommends people with heart disease get a healthy dose of sex regularly to avoid depression. (Agghhh, just felt a chest pain!)

SALES BLOW OUT:
Auto manufacturers have found that having their vehicles crashed, burned or blown up in movies seems to cause an immediate sales increase. The compact imports raced and wrecked in “The Fast and the Furious” are the latest example.

ROCK-A-BYE BABY ON THE LEFT ARM:
British research shows most parents cradle their infants in their left arms. About 80% of both right- and left-handed mothers hold babies on the left. Is to keep the right hand free to do other things, or is there another reason?

THE BULL SHEET 07.10.01

TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1931 [70] Alice Munro, Wingham ON, Canadian author who’s a 3-time winner of the Governor General’s Award (“Dance of the Happy Shades”, “Who Do You Think You Are?”)

1946 [55] Roger Abbott, Birkenhead ENG, TV/radio comic (CBC’s “Royal Canadian Air Farce”)

1954 [47] Neil Tennant, North Shields ENG, pop singer (Pet Shop Boys-“West End Girls”) who recently canceled “Wotapalava Festival”, first openly gay concert tour when Sinead O’Connor backed out – to get married

1971 [30] Adam Foote, Toronto ON, NHL defenceman (2001 Stanley Cup champ Colorado Avalanche)

1980 [21] Thomas Ian Nicholas, Las Vegas NV, movie actor (“American Pie”) NEXT FILM: “American Pie 2″, opening AUGUST 10

1980 [21] Jessica Simpson, Dallas TX, pop singer (“Irresistible”, “I Wanna Love You Forever”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Intern Appreciation Day”. Hey, do it now — before they go missing.

TODAY is “National Pina Colada Day”, the one day of the year you can play Rupert Holmes’ cheesy oldie “The Pina Colada Song” — as long as you blow it up real good after a couple of bars.

TODAY is “Don’t Step On A Bee Day”, to remind us that now is the time when going barefoot can mean getting stung by a bee. (Sponsored by the same idiots who thought up ‘Don’t Sit On a Cactus Day’.)

TONIGHT the Major League Baseball “All-Star Game” in Seattle will feature iron man Cal Ripken Jr’s final appearance in the event. After he announced his retirement from baseball
to spend more time with his family, he became a sentimental favorite and a flood of pro-Ripken votes suddenly started pouring in. Meanwhile, Seattle Mariners’ popular Ichiro Suzuki has become the first rookie to ever top “All Star” voting.

ONE YEAR AGO . . .
2000 Two days after winning the Wimbledon women’s singles championship, Venus Williams teams with sister Serena to capture women’s doubles crown

2000 Diana Ross announces the Diana Ross & the Supremes “Return to Love Tour” has been canceled (because she wanted to hog all the loot)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1946 [55] 1st ‘drive-in theater’ in Canada opens, in Hamilton ON

1965 [36] 1st #1 hit for Rolling Stones (“Satisfaction”)

1996 [05] 1st fashion house to debut its collection simultaneously on Paris catwalk and the Internet (Yves Saint Laurent)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Fri] National French Fries Day
[Fri] Friday the 13th
[Sat] National Nude Day
[Sun] Respect Canada Day
Mosquito Week
National Ice Cream Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS WHO DAT GAME?
Jackpot reduces with each clue given until contestant guesses the mystery person. Today’s category is ‘Hollywood Underwear’ . . .
GAME #1: [Mark Wahlberg]
• His brother was in a boy band. (Donnie Wahlberg of New Kids on the Block fame)
• He had some success as a rapper. (Using the name ‘Marky Mark’.)
• He modeled UNDERWEAR for Calvin Klein.
• His acting breakthrough came in the role of ‘Dirk Diggler’ in the film “Boogie Nights”.

GAME #2: [Tom Cruise]
• He overcame dyslexia and contemplated the priesthood before becoming an actor.
• He made an inauspicious screen debut in the Brooke Shields stinker “Endless Love”.
• The movie scene that propelled him to stardom had him playing air guitar in his UNDERWEAR. (“Risky Business”)
• His recent separation after 10 years of marriage to an Aussie actress has been front-page news in all the tabloids. (Nicole Kidman)

GAME #3: [Sharon Stone]
• Her IQ is said to be a lofty 154.
• Her big break came playing Arnold Schwarzenegger’s automaton wife in “Total Recall”.
• The mega-hit thriller in which she performed a famous scene without UNDERWEAR jacked her fee to $4 million per movie. (“Basic Instinct”)
• She recently made the news when she took her husband to the LA Zoo for Father’s Day and a Komodo dragon bit him on the toe. (Phil Bronstein)

BS TAG LINE: Behind every successful woman . . . is a basket of dirty laundry.