Monday, July 9, 2001        Edition: #2094
My wife always laughs during sex, no matter what she’s  reading.

THIS WEEK is the 26th annual “Nude Recreation Week”. Sponsored each year by ‘The Naturist Society’, it provides an annual excuse to frolic naked at clothing-optional beaches, nudist resorts and backyard hot tubs. This year’s theme is ‘Naturism is for Every Body’ (of course it will only be the really ugly people on your street who even think about taking part).
PHONER: 920-231-9950/920-426-5009 (Nicky Hoffman or Judi Ditzler, Oshkosh WI)
NET: http://www.naturistsociety.com
BS PROBLEMS WITH NUDE RECREATION:
• Tough to keep your eye on the ball when playing a game.
• In naked baseball, sliding in to 2nd’s a real bitch.
• Getting sunblock in places you can’t even get soap.
• No place to carry beer money.
• Splinters on the bench.
• Mosquito bites in places where it looks rude to scratch.
• Uncontrollable bouncing.

BS TABLOID TRASH:
• “E! Online” notes that Janet Jackson’s “All For You” world tour will finally hit Vancouver TONIGHT, after Thursday’s scheduled tour-opening show had to be postponed due to the late arrival of stage equipment. Because of the screw-up, TOMORROW’S Edmonton concert has been canceled altogether (where it’s now billed as the ‘Not For You’ tour).
• “Mr Showbiz” says reports that Vin Diesel, the muscle-bound star of “The Fast and the Furious”, will replace Arnold Schwarzenegger on the next “Terminator” film are unfounded. Diesel’s people say he hasn’t even talked to Schwarzenegger, and it’s not likely to happen.
• “National Enquirer” reports that “Austin Powers” actress Heather Graham and Russell Crowe have become an item just weeks after she split up with “A Knight’s Tale” star Heath Ledger, who’s also an Aussie. (She has a thing about men ‘Down Under’.)
• “Star” reports Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt impulsively decided to renew their wedding vows during a romantic outing in Milan. After they attended a fashion gala for Italian designer Giorgio Armani, he arranged a dinner party for the lovebirds at his fabulous villa where the romantic deed was re-done. Who knows, they may pull it off again — their 1-year anniversary is coming up July 29th. (Geez Brad, like to put pressure on other husbands or what?)
• “PageSix.com” says Hollywood he-man Jean Claude Van Damme, aka ‘The Muscles from Brussels’, is all in tears over the tragic death of his Rottweiler, ‘Schmitzie’, who recently kicked from bone cancer. (Wait a sec . . . dogs get BONE cancer?)
• According to the “New York Post”, Julia Roberts sought comfort from ex-hubby Lyle Lovett after her breakup with Benjamin Bratt, flying in to Nashville to spend a few days with her wild-haired ex- before the start of his upcoming tour. (It always restores her confidence to gaze upon Lyle while repeating to herself, “I can do better than this.”)
• First Liverpool announced ‘John Lennon International Airport’ and now “E! Online” notes that New Orleans’ city council has approved a name change for its airport in honor of jazz legend Louis Armstrong. ‘Louis Armstrong New Orleans International’ will open August 2nd, just 2 days before the 100th anniversary celebrations of his birth. (What’s next? ‘Eminem Detroit’? ‘N Sync Orlando’? ‘Stompin’ Tom Charlottetown’?)

JOE AVERAGE:
“Men’s Health” magazine says that the ‘average guy’ is 5 feet, 9 inches tall, weighs 172 lbs, loses his virginity at 17 and is married by 26, has sex with 5 to 10 partners during his lifetime, and has had 11 beers in the last 7 days. (How do you stack up? And what average does this other figure, ‘4′, refer to?)

HANG 10 DEGREE:
England’s Plymouth University is launching a Bachelor of Science program in ‘Surf Science & Technology’. Students will learn how to make their own surfboards, study the action of waves and actually do a small amount of surfing, but campus honchos insist it isn’t for beach bums and will be a ‘rigorous academic challenge’. (This takes over from ‘Art Appreciation’ as the all-time slackest ‘bird course’.)

ANOTHER BRILLIANT INVENTION:
Samsung has unveiled a new mobile phone that will allow users to record their own karaoke ring-tone. The new ‘Melody Phone’ features a ‘Palm Top Karaoke’ function that allows you to sample yourself singing. (Hope it’s also ‘shower-proof’.)

TOO STUPID FOR US TO MAKE UP:
• Two hostages in the Philippines have been given receipts by their kidnappers after their ransom was paid. The Filipino hostages were given photocopies of their pictures with the word, ‘PAID’ stamped across it and told to show them if they were kidnapped again by other armed groups. (That’ll work about as well as telling them ‘The ransom’s in the mail.’)
• 24-year-old professional model and ladies’ man Raul Malpica has announced on Brazilian TV that he’s the world’s greatest lover and swears he’ll pay $10,000 to any woman who can disprove it. (Talk about a scam for getting laid!) A Brazilian soap opera actress concurs with his boast saying, “He can do things with his lips and hands that make your toes curl.” (Yeah right, so can shoes a size too small.)

THE BULL SHEET 07.09.01

TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1939 [62] Brian Dennehy, Bridgeport CT, TV actor (Fitzgerald-”The Fighting Fitzgeralds”)/movie actor (“F/X”, “Presumed Innocent”)

1947 [54] OJ (Orenthal James) Simpson, San Francisco CA, former NFL player (Buffalo Bills)/former actor (“Naked Gun”) who’s devoted the rest of his life to tracking down his wife’s ‘real killers’ on the golf course

1955 [46] Jimmy Smits, Brooklyn NY, movie actor (“Switch”)/ex-TV actor (Det Bobby Simone-“NYPD Blue” 1994-98) NEXT FILM: Plays ‘Bail Organa’ in “Star Wars: Episode II” opening NEXT MAY

1956 [45] Tom Hanks, Concord CA, movie actor (“Cast Away”, 2 Oscars–“Forrest Gump”, “Philadelphia”) NEXT FILM: Plays a hit man in “The Road to Perdition”, co-starring Paul Newman and opening in DECEMBER

1957 [44] Kelly McGillis, Newport Beach CA, movie actress (“Top Gun”, “Witness”)

1964 [37] Courtney Love, San Francisco CA, part-time singer (Hole-“Doll Parts”, “Celebrity Skin”)/part-time actress (“People vs Larry Flynt”, “Man on the Moon”)/full-time slut/Kurt Cobain’s widow NEXT FILM: The thriller “24 Hours” co-starring Charlize Theron, shooting in Vancouver where she’s managed to offend most of the population

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “National Blonde Day”, as declared by the lobby group ‘LA Blonde Legal Defense Club’ which first came together to fight prejudice experienced by blonde lawyers, but now welcomes blondes from all professions. Only about 9% of adult women are blonde, but it accounts for 70% of hair dye sales. Spokeswoman Fern Magnin says she wants to see blondness celebrated, instead of people assuming you’re a bimbo. The club’s mission is — “To stop the widespread belief that blondes are dumb and incapable. To destroy blonde stereotypes and publicize blonde accomplishments throughout history, dispelling the myths and mistakes about blondes, both natural and chemically created. To ultimately make sure hair color isn’t a factor in any work or social environments.” Coincidently (or maybe not), a movie dealing with the issue, “Legally Blonde”, starring Reese Witherspoon, opens this FRIDAY.

The ‘International Mensa Organization’ is celebrating its 55th anniversary. Founded at Oxford University by lawyer Lancelot Ware in 1946, a demonstrated IQ of at least 132 is required to join, placing members in the top 2% of the population. An estimated 5 million North Americans meet the qualifications, but the group has only 100,000 members worldwide.
Here’s a BS quickie quiz to see if you might qualify –
• Isabelle died at sea while Larry died on land. People were pleased that Larry had died and even more pleased that Isabelle had died. Why? (Isabelle and Larry were hurricanes.)
• It sings and has 10 feet. What is it? (‘N Sync, or any other quintet.)
• Frank & Marianne are found lying on the floor in a pool of water and broken glass. They are dead. Why? (Frank & Marianne are goldfish.)
• A man walks into a bar and asks for a glass of water. The bartender points a gun at him. The man just says thank you and leaves. Why? (He had the hiccups.)
• To what question can you never answer ‘yes’? (There are at least two — “Are you dead?” and “Are you asleep?”)
• What do the words ‘racecar’, ‘kayak’, and ‘radar’ have in common? (They are palindromes –reading the same frontward or backwards.)

ON THIS DAY . . .
1991 [10] AL beats NL in 62nd All-Star Game in Toronto (back when Skydome attracted crowds over 100)

2000 [01] Pete Sampras overcomes rain, double faults, darkness and Patrick Rafter to make tennis history by winning his 7th Wimbledon title and record-breaking 13th Grand Slam championship

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1877 [124] 1st Wimbledon tennis championships held

1972 [29] 1st concert appearance of Paul McCartney & Wings, in Chateauvillon, France (his new Wings anthology “Wingspan: Hits And History” has just become his 21st gold album)

TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1922 [79] 1st to swim 100 meters in under a minute (Johnny Weissmuller, who later plays ‘Tarzan’ in the movies, clocks  58.6 seconds)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] MLB All-Star Game (Seattle)
[Tues] Teddy Bear’s Picnic Day
[Wed] Cheer Up the Lonely Day
[Fri] Friday the 13th
National Hot Dog Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS TRIVIA:
Q: The average person will do this 500 million times in their life.
A: Blink. (About 5 times when you just heard this.)

Q: 68 years ago TODAY (1933) the NFL’s Frankford Yellowjackets were sold and renamed. What do we now call them?
A: The Philadelphia Eagles.

Q: If NASA sent birds into space they would soon die. Why?
A: They need gravity to swallow. (As opposed to Courtney Love, who only needs 5 bucks.)

BS TAG LINE:
A great idea needs landing gear, not just wings.