Thursday, July 5, 2001        Edition: #2092
More From the Sheet House!

MORE BS QUESTIONS PLAGUING HUMANITY:
• Is it true that you’ll have a bad day if you wake up looking like your driver’s license picture?
• They say ‘money talks’. Why is it all mine ever says is “GOODBYE”?
• Why is it wind velocity increases directly in proportion to the cost of the hairdo?
• What do you plant to grow a ‘seedless’ watermelon?
• Do romantic one-legged women get ‘swept off their foot’?

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TODAY’S planned wedding of TLC’s Lisa “Left-eye” Lopes and NFL wide receiver Andre Rison in Atlanta has been canceled, with no reason given (kind of surprising – they’ve been getting along like a house on fire) . . . TONIGHT Janet Jackson launches her 8-month “All for You Tour 2001” in Vancouver and will remain on the road through mid-October . . . Meantime, she’s reportedly considering becoming a mom now that she’s single and dating for the first time in years (y’know, the whole Jackson clan should have their reproduction licenses revoked) . . . For an LA charity auction, Tea Leoni created ‘artworks’ by applying paint to husband David Duchovny’s naked butt and having him sit on a canvas — one sold for $3,500 (it was called ‘Portrait of Tom Green’) . . . . A group called ‘Citizens for Truth in Movie Advertising’ is suing ALL major movie studios for fraud and misleading advertising for providing expenses-paid press junkets to movie critics in return for positive reviews (that reminds me, did I mention how absolutely hilarious that new movie “Cats & Dogs” opening this Friday is?) . . . Britney Spears’ entourage reportedly now includes THREE security guards and a blonde look-alike ‘decoy’ who’s supposed to confuse potential stalkers (like a duck decoy, also made of plastic) . . . And because we really need to know, Angelina Jolie has now admitted her boobs were doctored with padding for “Tomb Raider” because ‘Lara Croft’ is a double-D in the video game and poor Angie’s just a C.

UPCOMING MOVIES:
To rehearse for her role as a sexy flight attendant in the upcoming comedy “A View From The Top”, Kelly Preston says she practised by serving hubby John Travolta on his private jet — naked (wait, don’t throw up! SHE was naked, not him) . . . The remake of Norman Jewison’s 1975 thriller “Rollerball” has been delayed until NEXT YEAR in order to quote — “beef up the film’s marketing” (Hollywoodese for re-writing the script, editing out a lame actor and re-shooting 12 scenes) . . . Look out ‘Lara Croft’, a bigscreen version of the hit Sega video game “Crazy Taxi” is on the way, thanks to “Lethal Weapon” director Richard Donner . . . And Marlon Brando reportedly tried to keep things light on the set of “The Score” by frequently setting off a ‘fart machine’, particularly while Robert De Niro was shooting intense scenes (the film’s in theaters JULY 13, and likely the out-takes on video a week later).

21ST CENTURY TERMINOLOGY:
• ‘Freak Dancing’ – A hot new form of dancing that involves bumping and grinding, similar to previous dance fads like ‘Dirty Dancing’ and the ‘Lambada’. Some say it originated in the Congo, where young people have been doing it for a couple of years.
• ‘Presence Technology’ – Coming to mobile phones later this year, it’s a system that informs you if another user has their phone turned on and, if so, whether they are already on a call. It’s being touted as a cure for ‘phone tag’.

HOT PANTS:
A Swedish inventor has won an innovation prize for designing — ‘heated panties’. The unusual undies are designed to provide relief to women who suffer menstrual pain by using chemical pads that generate their own heat for up to an hour. (As a cheaper solution, spend 2 bucks on a Mel Gibson poster.)

QUIT LAUGHING:
Doctors at a St Petersburg FL medical center may have discovered a new way to quit smoking. After they gave nitrous oxide, commonly known as ‘laughing gas’, to 25 smokers who wanted to quit, 10 kicked the habit completely and the rest dramatically reduced their smoking. Researchers say the gas gives the brain a dose of the same ‘happy hormones’ that are released when smokers take a puff. (Coincidently [your co-host] uses what he calls ‘laughing gas’ to relieve indigestion.)

WORLD’S BEST COUNTRIES TO LIVE IN:
1. Norway
2. Australia
3. Canada (ranked 1st in previous 7 years)
(Source: 2001 UN ‘Human Development Index’, based on social and economic well-being)

PLANT HOLIDAYS:
A British garden center has set up a ‘plant hotel’ for gardeners worried about leaving their prize blooms untended when they go away. Crowfoot Nurseries, near Norwich, England is charging to provide care to visiting plants. A spokesman says the only rule is they won’t babysit anything that’s already dead. (Perfect — I was wondering what to do with those plants I’ve been raising under grow lights in the basement.)

LONG SHOTS:
Here’s a little tie-in for next time you’re plugging your winning lottery number phone line or Website . . .
• Your odds of being hit by lightning are 1 in 600,000.
• Your odds of appearing on “The Tonight Show” are 1 in 490,000.
• Your odds of winning a major lottery with a single ticket are less than 1 in 5 million.
(Source: “What Are The Chances?”)

THE BULL SHEET 07.05.01

TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1944 [57] Robbie Robertson, Toronto ON, rock musician (“Storyville”, The Band-“Music From Big Pink”)

1950 [51] Huey Lewis (Hugh Anthony Cregg III), San Francisco CA, oldies singer (& the News -“I  Want a New Drug”, “Hip to be Square”)/sometime actor (“Duets”, “Back to the Future”)

1978 [23] Bizarre (Rufus Johnson), Detroit MI, rap artist protege of Eminem (D12 [aka ‘The Dirty Dozen’]-“Devil’s Night”)

1980 [21] Jason Wade, Camarillo CA, rock singer (Lifehouse-“Hanging by a Moment”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Workaholics Day”, encouraging us to remove our noses from the grindstone once in a while. ‘Workaholics Anonymous’ says that if you answer ‘yes’ to 3 or more of the following you’re well on your way to becoming one:
• Is work the activity you like to do best and talk about most?
• Do you take work with you to bed? On weekends? On vacation?
• Do you work more than 40 hours a week?
• Do you turn your hobbies into money-making ventures?
• Have your family or friends given up expecting you on time?
• Do you believe that it is OK to work long hours if you love what you are doing?
• Do you get impatient with people who have other priorities besides work?
• Are you afraid that if you don’t work hard you will lose your job or be a failure?
• Is the future a constant worry for you even when things are going well?
• Do you think about your work while driving, falling asleep or when others are talking?

ONE YEAR AGO . . .
2000 “Big Brother” premieres on CBS-TV and proceeds to underwhelm viewers (TONIGHT “Big Brother” returns for a 2nd season after a total make-over: the number of house guests has been increased from 10 to 12, contestants will now be voted out by opposing players instead of viewers, and this year’s edition will feature 37 prying cameras, up from last year’s 28. CBS will air 3 hour-long episodes weekly, on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays.)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1607 [394] Britain’s national anthem “God Save the King” 1st sung in public

1841 [160] Thomas Cook opens 1st ‘travel agency’

1865 [136] William Booth forms the ‘Salvation Army’, in London ENG (creating a future source for [your co-host’s] wardrobe)

1946    [55] ‘Bikini’ swimsuit design 1st shown in public at Paris press conference by designer Louis Reard who calls it “four triangles of nothing” (named after a tiny Pacific atoll where early atomic bomb tests were performed)
WHAT YOUR BIKINI SAYS ABOUT YOUR PERSONALITY:
• Red bikinis signal women who like a challenge.
• Pink wearers like to enjoy themselves.
• Women who wear blue tend to be wallflowers, and those who wear dark blue are often depressive.
• Green bikinis indicate women with natural charm.
• Bikinis which tie up at the sides tend to be worn by women ‘ready for anything, but not with just anyone’.
• Women who wear black bikinis are happier with a quick-witted partner.
•  White signals women who are the most innocent, probably single, and not necessarily looking for a good time.
(Source: Recent study by Berlin, Germany’s Humboldt University)

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1983 [18] Opera star Placido Domingo receives a record 83 curtain calls

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Sun] Video Games Day
[Mon] National Blonde Day
[Mon] Nude Recreation Week begins
[Tues] MLB All-Star Game (Seattle)
National Character Counts Week
National Blueberries Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS TRUTH OR BS?
• PEZ is an abbreviation of ‘pfefferminz’, the German word for peppermint. [TRUTH!]
• 200 years ago, nearly half of all women died before their 35th birthday. [TRUTH. Their biological clocks were REALLY ticking!]
• A blue whale’s testicles are the size of basketballs. [BS. Actually they’re more the size of a Volkswagen Beetle. The world’s largest mammal also has arteries big enough for a small child to crawl through.]
• Adolf Hitler’s first dictatorial action after the passing of the Enabling Act of 1933 was to regulate the cooking of lobsters. [TRUTH. He was distressed by their screams when they were tossed into boiling water.]
• If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction. [TRUTH. But how do they do it while walking?]
• Mosquitoes are most attracted to people with brunette hair. [BS. Professor Andrew Spielman’s new book “Mosquito” says they are more attracted to blondes and redheads.]
• You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider. [TRUTH!]

BS TAG LINE:
I don’t believe in spanking. I believe in tranquillizer darts.