Tuesday, July 3, 2001 Edition: #2090
Sheet Happens!
WHAT PMS MIGHT STAND FOR:
• Pass My Shotgun
• Psychotic Mood Shift
• Perpetual Munching Spree
• People Make Me Sick
• Provide Me with Sweets
• Pissy Mood Syndrome
• Plainly Men Suck
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Madonna will top the bill of a huge ‘Live Aid’-style AIDS charity concert scheduled for Cardiff, Wales OCTOBER 20, which will also include the Backstreet Boys, the Bee Gees, George Michael, S Club 7 and Robbie Williams . . . Word is Sean “Puffy” Combs is the subject of an IRS investigation, but so far the Combs camp is denying it (apparently it has something to do with deducting ammo as a business expense) . . . Producers are looking for a ‘sassy actress’ to star as Eminem’s girlfriend in the rapper’s as-yet-unnamed upcoming movie and say she must be brash in an ‘I am beautiful, 18 and know everything kind of way’ (they’ve been swamped by parents offering their teenage daughters).
TODAY’S DVD & VHS RELEASES:
Written and directed by Mr Madonna, Guy Ritchie, the Brit underworld crime comedy “Snatch” stars Benicio Del Toro as ‘Franky Four Fingers’ and Brad Pitt as ‘One Punch Mickey Oneil’ . . . Jennifer Lopez plays San Francisco’s most successful wedding party planner who falls in love with a groom played by Matthew McConaughey in the romantic comedy “The Wedding Planner” . . . In the horror thriller “Dracula 2000″ a group of thieves breaks into a chamber expecting to find paintings, but end up releasing the famous neck-biting count, played this time around by Gerard Butler.
WHAT WOMEN WANT:
“Cosmopolitan” tells us that only 1% of women polled vote for ‘a muscular chest and shoulders’ as their favorite physical attribute in men. The women overwhelmingly vote for ‘a cute butt’ as the most attractive part of a man’s body. Next comes ‘slimness’, ‘a flat stomach’, and ‘expressive eyes’. (Note to guys — a cute butt is often best emphasized with a fat wallet.)
USAMA BIN LADEN AIN’T EATING HIS WHEATIES:
A new report from the World Health Organization shows that 96% of international terrorists do not start their day with a nutritious breakfast. (Which poor UN slob was coerced into conducting THIS poll? “Can I ask you a question, sir? Please put the gun down . . .”)
WORLD’S TOP INTERNET USERS:
• Norway (63% of population)
• Denmark (62%)
• Canada (60%)
• USA (57%)
(Source: New study of 36 countries by Leger Marketing/Taylor Nelson Sofres Interactive)
SIBLING STABBING:
Prince Charles is criticizing brother Prince Edward and wife Sophie — for working. Chuck says the Earl and Countess of Wessex should either quit their jobs or lose their royal perks. (Hey Charles, how about losing your royal perks and GETTING a job, ya loafer!)
BS FROM AROUND-THE-WORLD:
• A Indian bank is offering business start-up loans to robbers so they can try out a different career. The United Bank of India has handed out loans to 12 bank robbers who had previously targeted its branches. (Almost as dumb as giving foster kids to Paula Poundstone.)
• Two Italian radio stations have been shut down by police for transmitting folk songs containing instructions to Mafia members. The stations, both broadcasting from Sicily, are alleged to have given encrypted instructions regarding criminal activities during the music on a request show. (That reminds me we have music coming up from a famous SOPRANO, a fishy lullaby requested by one Uncle Junior.)
• A cab driver in Singapore has started a service serenading his passengers with the country tune “Achy Breaky Heart” on his in-car karaoke machine to relieve their stress. Jeffrey Tan says he installed the machine to entertain his fares and alleviate the tedium of traffic jams. (Hey, this might be the start of something new — BACK SEAT road rage!)
• 82-year-old retired British woman Beatrice Muller has decided to spend the rest of her life sailing the world on the luxury cruise ship ‘QE 2′. How’s she afford it? Thanks to ‘frequent sailing miles’, she only pays 55% of the regular cruising price, meaning it doesn’t cost much more than staying in a UK retirement home. (The way things are going, I’ll be spending my retirement in the back seat of my used Buick.)
• Australian scientists are conducting experiments to determine if breaking wind spreads germs. The extremely complex first test involved asking a boy to fart on a petri dish. Since results showed bacteria growing all over the apparatus the next morning, the team is now looking to conduct tests from varying distances following the consumption of specific foods and drinks. Ah, but funding, how to get funding? They’re now seeking sponsorship from a baked bean manufacturer or curry maker!
THE BULL SHEET 07.03.01
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1947 [54] Dave Barry, Miami FL, Pulitzer Prize-winning syndicated humor columnist (“Miami Herald”)/author (“Dave Barry’s Complete Guide to Guys”, “Dave Barry Turns 40″)
1956 [45] Montel Williams, Baltimore MD, TV gabfest host (“The Montel Williams Show”, since 1991)
1962 [39] Tom Cruise (Thomas Mapother IV ), Syracuse NY, movie actor (“Eyes Wide Shut”, “Jerry Maguire”, “Mission Impossible 1 & 2″)/soon-to-be ex-Mr Nicole Kidman NEXT FILMS: The romantic thriller “Vanilla Sky, co-starring Penelope Cruz and opening DECEMBER 14, and Steven Spielberg’s “Minority Report”, coming 2002 NOTE: Attended high school in Ottawa for awhile
1962 [39] Thomas Gibson, Charleston SC, TV actor (Greg Montgomery-“Dharma & Greg”)
1969 [32] Kevin Hearn, Scarborough ON, pop/rock musician (Barenaked Ladies-“One Week”, “Jane”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Compliment Your Mirror Day”, during which participation consists of complimenting your mirror on having such a wonderful owner and keeping track of whether other mirrors you meet during the day smile at you. (This is much more fun after several shots of Sauza.)
THIS WEEK is “Man Watchers’ Compliment Week”, when women are asked to take the time to pass out compliments to men (“Hey, you stink less than yesterday!”). Each year, sponsor Man Watchers International picks the ‘world’s most watchable men’.
PHONER: 323-969-2414 (Suzy Mallery-LA CA)
NET: http://www.manwatchers.com/history/
TODAY through August 15th are the “Dog Days of Summer”, traditionally the hottest time of the year in the Northern Hemisphere. That’s the reason the simultaneous “Air Conditioning Appreciation Days” celebrates the contribution of AC to a better way of life (and a really high electric bill). TODAY is also “Stay Out of the Sun Day” (the way the weather’s been here lately, that’s no problem).
The ‘Dominion Institute’, an association that promotes Canadian history, is lobbying to create a new national holiday called “Prime Minister’s Day” that would fall in FEBRUARY during “Heritage Week”. One good reason for it — Canada has the fewest holidays in the Western world. One good reason against it, according to the feds – a statutory holiday costs $3 to $4 billion in overtime and lost productivity. (Your point being?)
PHONER: 416-368-9627 (Rudyard Griffiths-Dominion Institute, Toronto)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1608 [393] Québec City founded by Samuel de Champlain
1806 [195] 1st cultivated strawberries
1928 [73] 1st ‘television’ goes on sale (not many takers, even at $75)
1987 [14] 1st Atlantic crossing in hot air balloon (Britain’s Richard Branson and Swedish-born Per Lindstrand)
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1926 [75] PM Arthur Meighen’s government is defeated in vote of non-confidence just 3 days after it’s sworn in, tying record for shortest term of any Canadian government
1988 [13] Rocky Kenover sets world record by skydiving 403 times within 24 hours, averaging 1 jump every 3 minutes using 7 airplanes, 10 pilots and 50 parachute packers
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] CFL Season opens (Montréal @ Toronto/Winnipeg @ Calgary)
[Wed] American Redneck Day (coinciding with US Independence Day)
[Wed] National Country Music Day
[July 10] MLB All-Star Game (Seattle)
National Canned Luncheon Meat Week
National Baked Beans Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS QUICK PICKS:
• The world’s largest is located in Davidson, Saskatchewan — coffee pot, prairie dog, or hockey puck?. [It’s a coffee pot, measuring 7.3 metres (24 ft) tall that’s made of sheet metal and capable of holding 150,000 cups of coffee.]
• What will a Canadian beaver never eat — poplar trees, carrots, or fish? [Fish. Beavers eat only plants, soft bark being their main food.]
• Studies show that exposure to this increases hormonal and sexual activity, activates adrenaline, stimulates appetite, induces creativity, and causes people to lose track of time — chocolate, the color red, or vigorous exercise? [Believe it or not, it’s the color red.]
• A 9-year study shows that divorced men are twice as likely to – kill themselves, go broke, or get lucky? [A split-up doubles the chances of men committing suicide, but interestingly has almost no impact on suicide rates for women.]
• Although it can’t be seen with the naked eye, your body actually lights up when you do this — make love, drink alcohol, or get an idea? [Drink alcohol. It affects cell structure and the resulting enzyme gives off a glow that can only be seen through a microscope. Hence the saying ‘getting a glow on’.]
BS TAG LINE: Beware the ‘birthday virus’ — it keeps advancing your clock by another year.
