Tuesday, July 3, 2007        Edition: #3566
It’s Your Daily Constitutional Sheet!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
As part of the campaign to hype the JULY 27th opening of “The Simpsons Movie”, most of the 6,000-plus 7-Eleven convenience stores in North America are selling items that previously only existed on the TV show, including ‘Buzz Cola’, ‘Krusty-O’s breakfast cereal and the Slurpees knock-off, ‘Squishees’ (about a dozen stores have temporarily been renamed Simpsons-style ‘Kwik-E-Marts’) . . . The final ‘Harry Potter’ book, “Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows”, has just become Amazon.com’s all-time most pre-ordered item, with about 1.6 million copies bought globally ahead of its release on JULY 21st . . . 33-year-old British model Kate Moss has been dropped as the face of lingerie giant Agent Provocateur; it seems they’re seeking a ‘younger face’ (ouch!) . . . Former Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss has opened a 24-hour, coin-operated laundry at a shopping center west of Las Vegas, appropriately called ‘Dirty Laundry’ (she’s still working on ‘Heidi’s Stud Farm’, Nevada’s first legal brothel for women) . . . Moviemaker Oliver Stone has petitioned Iran’s Cultural Heritage & Tourism Organization to sanction a biopic about Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (after casting Anthony Hopkins as “Nixon” in 1995, we wouldn’t be surprised if he’s looking to give the role of Ahmadinejad to Steve Carrell) . . . And a microbrewery in Larry The Cable Guy’s hometown of Pawnee City, Nebraska has just launched ‘Git-R-Done Beer’ as a tribute to their favorite redneck comedian (now you can ‘Git -R-Drunk’).

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Aerosmith –  French police are investigating the mysterious death of a 14-year-old Spanish girl who died while riding the ‘Rock & Roller Coaster Starring Aerosmith’ at Disneyland Paris.
• Big & Rich – TONIGHT the country duo does “Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson” (CBS).
• Bloc Party – TONIGHT the English indie rockers (“Hunting for Witches”) guest on “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC).
• Kanye West – He’s set to guest edit the AUGUST/SEPTEMBER edition of men’s magazine “Complex” and has picked singer Cassie, who appeared in his “Stronger” video, for the cover.
• Keith Urban – He recently flew Down Under to surprise wife Nicole Kidman on her 40th birthday. She’s currently on location filming the epic movie “Australia”.
• Prince – The guy can sure PO the recording industry. Sony BMG has just announced it will no longer be releasing his new album “Planet Earth” after his decision to give away thousands of copies free in the UK. The freebies are going to ticket holders for one of his upcoming 21 gigs at London’s O2 Arena, plus winners of a promotion in the newspaper “Mail On Sunday”.
• Relient K – The only casualty when their tour bus recently caught on fire while the band was in transit was a laptop containing some 100 unfinished songs.
• Rod Stewart – The 62-year-old needed 10 stitches in his leg after he fell on a step at the beginning of his City of Manchester Stadium gig in the UK. Forget your cane, Rod?
• Velvet Revolver – TODAY their delayed new album “Libertad” is finally released, featuring the hit single “She Builds Quick Machines”.
• Also being released TODAY: “Transformers Soundtrack”, featuring Goo Goo Dolls, Smashing Pumpkins, and Linkin Park.

TODAY’S MOVIE OPENING:
“License to Wed” ( PG-13 Romantic Comedy ): John Krasinski (‘Jim’ on “The Office”) & Mandy Moore star as an engaged couple who are forced into a marriage preparation course run by a sadistic pastor (Robin Williams) who puts them through a series of grueling tests to see how devoted they are to each other. Krasinski’s “Office” co-stars Angela Kinsey, Mindy Kaling & Brian Baumgartner have secondary roles. Partially shot in Vancouver.
NET: http://licensetowedthemovie.warnerbros.com/

TODAY’S VIDEO RELEASES:
No major video releases of feature films THIS WEEK, but there are a few specialty items and collections that include: “Degrassi: The Next Generation – Season 5”; “Stephen King – DVD Collector’s Set”; and the horror film packages “Welcome To Grindhouse: Black Candles / Evil Eyes” & “Welcome To Grindhouse: Teacher / Pickup”.

THAT SNOOZE BUTTON COULD SAVE YOUR LIFE
Running out of excuses for sleeping in every morning? Here’s a good one: Researchers at the University of Pennsylvania have discovered that sleep deprivation stresses your heart and raises the risk of cardiovascular disease and death caused by heart failure. (“It was close, but I managed to get that extra 2 hours of protective sleep, boss. I’ll be in at 11.”)
– AFP

BS LAW & DISORDER:
• In the UK, cops in England’s West Midlands are hunting an armed man who disguised himself to rob an ATM outside a Lloyds Bank in the town of Lye. He disguised himself by … drawing a fake beard & mustache on his face. (Police are now on the lookout for a man with an inked-on  Gillette razor.)
• In Illinois, a 35-year-old man who convinced his wife of 10 years to agree to ‘open marriage’ and take other lovers has filed a lawsuit under the state’s unusual ‘alienation-of-affection’ law, after his wife fell in love with a new partner. And he won! $4,800 as a matter of fact. (Let’s get this straight … you get to fool around, dump your wife, AND get paid for it?)
• In Switzerland, authorities investigating complaints about a deer attacking hikers, sleeping in roads, and wandering into homes have determined the woodland creature was likely … stoned. It seems the abhorrent behavior was a direct result of grazing at an illegal cannabis farm that was uncovered during the investigation. A pair of local ‘farmers’ were arrested when they later attempted to harvest their crop. (It was the first deer to demand Doritos at the local store.)
• In Sweden, a camper attacked by a stranger wielding a razor-sharp fillet knife successfully fended off his attacker using a … badminton racket. The unknown felon was so overwhelmed he immediately fled the scene. (“And don’t come back … I’ve also got a Frisbee!”)

USEFUL ROLL-UPS:
Health planners attempting to control India’s ballooning population of more than 1.2 billion by operating a free condom initiative are becoming increasingly frustrated. Why? Only a quarter of the 1.5 billion condoms distributed free each year are properly utilized. Instead, opportunistic Indians are using them to strengthen roads, provide extra waterproofing for houses, carry water, and even to make toys by melting them down into latex. (“I do not understand it, Ravi. This new chewing gum you have received simply has no flavor.”)
– ANI

HINTS ON HEALTH:
Nuggets of advice from experts about maintaining your health, including ‘brain health’ …
• Walk between 7,000 and 12,000 steps daily. Ride a bicycle. Dance.
• Eat only 80% of what you intend to eat at each meal.
• Eat more salmon, sardines, herring, walnuts & other unsalted nuts.
• Decrease your intake of processed foods & red meat.
• Eat at least one sit-down meal with others each day.
• Read & write every day. Learn a second language. Learn sign language.
• Do not become isolated as you get older.
– “Albany Times Union”

SQUARING UP THE PRODUCE SECTION:
Farmers in western Japan are turning big-time profits from a popular local specialty item … cube-shaped watermelons. The melons, which are grown in plastic containers to make them square, are much more expensive than round ones. The technique was pioneered by an 84-year-old farmer some 30 years ago. Because they are less sweet than their oval-shaped counterparts, square watermelons and are often just used for decoration. If nothing else, they’re a heckuva lot easier to display in stores! (How long before the first ‘melon house’?)
– UPI

SCIENTISTS SAY:
A BS review of recent ‘discoveries’ …
• Scientists say … some friends may create stress in our lives. New research indicates that ‘ambivalent’ friends –  those who are critical, unpredictable, or unreliable – affect our blood pressure. Hence the term ‘frenemies’.
• Scientists say … women are statistically more likely to cheat on partners than men. Researchers think that’s because women want to ‘test-drive’ potential long-term partners. Men, on the other hand, are more apt to cheat just to get lucky.
• Scientists say … sedentary men who start exercising regularly tend to notice results much sooner than women. Thanks to testosterone, their muscles respond faster. The good news for women is they tend to have more patience than men and will stick with a program even if they don’t see instant results.
• Scientists say … cats exposed to cigarette smoke have more than double the risk of acquiring feline lymphoma (cat cancer) than cats who aren’t, according to new research at Tufts University. Fortunately, most cats can’t operate a Bic lighter.

“LIVE EARTH” VIABLE?
Some cynics are suggesting that the likes of Madonna singing songs about climate change in an energy-gobbling sports stadium full of people who shat out tons of carbon getting there while being broadcast to billions of environment-slaughtering TV sets might not be the best way to stop the world from perishing in a whirlwind of fiery terror. And that’s why Al Gore has attempted to beef up the credibility of SATURDAY’s “Live Earth” event by asking everyone attending to sign a special climate-change ‘7 Point Pledge’ that will save the planet via the power of woolly-worded vague promises about making the governments of the world do stuff.
– Hecklerspray.com

THE FAITH OF A FATHER:
In 1998 a British man watched his son soundly beaten in a go-kart race by a very fast young driver. He subsequently went to a local bookie and asked to put a bet on this kid winning a Formula One race before he reached the age of 23. Bookmaking company William Hill simply laughed him off but its competitor, Ladbrokes, gave him odds of 200-1. After the recent Montréal Grand Prix, where 22-year-old  rookie driver Lewis Hamilton recorded his first victory, his pop called up Ladbrokes to claim his winnings … over £40,000, a little over $85,000 CDN.
– PopBitch.com

DID YOU KNOW?
• Vacuums do not suck things. They create spaces into which the surrounding atmosphere pushes matter.
– “Discover Magazine”
• The ‘Harry Potter’ books have sold more than 325 million copies since the first volume, “Harry Potter & The Philosopher’s Stone”, was published in 1997.
– Guardian News Service

AND WE QUOTE:
“I posted my speculation on the situation at the time and I am deeply sorry about this, and I was just as shocked as everyone when I heard that this actually would happen in real life. It is one of those things that just turned into a huge coincidence.”
– A Connecticut hoaxer who posted a death announcement for late wrestler Chris Benoit’s murdered wife on Wikipedia hours before her body was found. His computer’s been seized and he’s being questioned by police.

BS CHRONOMETER 07.03.07

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1947 [60] Dave Barry, Armonk NY, Pulitzer Prize-winning syndicated humor columnist (“Miami Herald”)/author (“Dave Barry’s Complete Guide to Guys”)

1956 [51] Montel Williams, Baltimore MD, TV gabfest host (“The Montel Williams Show” since 1991) who refuses to quit working even though he suffers from MS

1958 [49] Aaron Tippin, Pensacola FL, country singer (“Kiss This”, “There Ain’t Nothin’ Wrong With the Radio”)

1962 [45] Tom Cruise (Thomas Mapother IV ), Syracuse NY, movie star (“Mission Impossible 1-3”, “The Last Samurai”)/wed to actress Katie Holmes (2006)/ex-Mr Nicole Kidman (1990-2001)  FACTOID: German officials are now backing away from earlier remarks that his new film “Valkyrie”, about the plot to assassinate Hitler, would be barred from shooting scenes at military locations in the country. Now Tom’s apparently welcome.

1964 [43] Yeardley Smith, Paris, France, TV voice artist (‘Lisa Simpson’ on “The Simpsons” since 1989)

1969 [38] Kevin Hearn, Grimsby ON, pop musician (Barenaked Ladies-“Pinch Me”, “One Week”)

1970 [37] Teemu Selanne, Helsinki, Finland, NHL winger (2007 Stanley Cup champion Mighty Ducks of Anaheim)/has played in 1,041 regular-season games

TODAY’S BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Compliment Your Mirror Day”. Participation consists of complimenting your mirror on having such a wonderful owner and keeping track of whether other mirrors you meet during the day smile at you. (This is much more fun if you have a prescription for medicinal marijuana.)

• “Dog Days of Summer”  through August 11th, traditionally the hottest time of the year in the Northern Hemisphere. The name comes from the ancients, who would sacrifice a brown dog at this time to appease Sirius, the Dog Star, believing that star was the cause of the hot, sultry weather. “Air Conditioning Appreciation Days” run simultaneously to celebrate the contribution of AC to a better way of life (and a really high electricity bill). TODAY is also “Stay Out of the Sun Day” (unless you’re working on a melanoma collection).

WEDNESDAY –
• “Independence Day” in the USA. Among the more unusual “4th of July” festivals: “International Cherry Pit Spitting Contest” in Eau Claire MI; “World’s Greatest Lizard Race” in Lovington NM; and the annual “Sidewalk Egg-Frying Challenge” in Oatman AZ. It’s also the excuse for “Barbecue Day” and the vegan observance “Independence from Meat Day”. Music artists participating in celebrations include …
– John Mellencamp: He’ll be backed by the Boston Pops Esplanade Orchestra when he performs several of his hits on the “Boston Pops Fireworks Spectacular” (CBS).
– Martina McBride: She’ll open the “Macy’s Fourth of July Spectacular” with her hit single “Anyway” (NBC).
– Steve Azar: He’s headlining a 4th of July concert near the Washington Monument in Washington DC. The free show is sponsored by the National Park Service.
– Willie Nelson: He’s hosting his annual “4th of July Picnic” at the Gorge Amphitheater in George, Washington, the first time the event has taken place outside of Texas.

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1884 [123] 1st ‘Dow Jones’ average published (was it ‘1′?)

1928 [79] 1st ‘Television’ goes on sale (not many takers at a then-sky high price of $75)

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1988 [19] Rocky Kenover sets world record by skydiving 403 times within 24 hours, averaging  1 jump every 3 minutes using 7 planes, 10 pilots, and 50 parachute packers

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] American Independence Day (the 4th of July)
[Wed] Country Music Day
[Wed] Sidewalk Egg Frying Day
[Wed] Independence From Meat Day
[Wed] Barbecue Day
[Thurs] Workaholics Day
[Fri] Beyoncé tour begins (New Orleans)
[Fri] “American Idol” tour begins (Sunrise FL)
[Fri-Sun] 12th International Wife Carrying World Championship (Sonkajärvi, Finland)
[Fri-July 14] Running of the Bulls (Pamplona, Spain)
[Fri-July 15] Calgary Stampede
This Week Is … Canned Luncheon Meat Week
This Month Is … Tahiti Awareness Month

BULL’S BITS

BS PUNCHLINES:
Sometimes you don’t need the entire joke, just the punchline will do …
• And the Scotsman screams, “Ach, you steamin’ heap of cack! That’s not me bagpipe!”
• So the moral of the story is: Don’t count your lesions before you scratch.
• And then Icarus says, “Fly? I thought you said let’s get HIGH!”
• “That’s no woman! That’s my wife, the circus gorilla!”
• And the pigeon was like, “Hey man, don’t be getting’ all up in my guano!”
• Then the fat cannibal turns to the skinny one and goes, “I prefer white meat, but the rosemary was an inspired addition.”
• And so the rabbi looks at the priest and asks, “Do all Catholics wear bacon Speedos?”
• “Well captain, you told me to keep the cockpit clean!”
• “Now you know why they call that mustard ‘Poupon’.”
• So the moral of the story is, never get a vasectomy from an unlicensed electrician.
– Chickenhead.com

BS RANDOM JOKE:
Two penguins are walking across an iceberg. One penguin turns to the other and says, “You look like you’re wearing a tuxedo.” The second penguin replies, “Maybe I am.”

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Some women attribute THIS to gaining up to 20 pounds a year.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Eating their kids’ food.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
The harder you work the luckier you get.

Have a happy 4th, all!