July 17, 2012

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Tuesday, July 17, 2012        Edition: #4788

Can You Believe This Sheet?

Inside sources are poo-pooing reports of Tom Cruise giving ex Katie Holmes hush money, insisting she only got what was laid out in the prenup which, by most accounts, wasn’t very much (likely why things were settled so quickly) . . . Meantime, Holmes has reportedly enrolled 6-year-old daughter Suri at NYC’s Convent Of the Sacred Heart for her first school experience, having been home-schooled previously (past students have included Nicky Hilton and Lady Gaga) . . . Oscar-nominated actress Michelle Williams is once again saying how much she’d like to do a “Dawson’s Creek” reunion (with Tom Cruise no longer stopping Katie Holmes from participating, could this really happen?) . . . Another sign Brad Pitt’s upcoming film “World War Z” is cursed – he’s now reportedly refusing to talk to the director during re-shoots (latest estimate on a release date: June 2013) . . . Recent Twitter tweets show that 42-year-old Jennifer Lopez & her 24-year-old boy-toy Casper Smart call each other ‘Bear’ (especially when they’re bare) . . . Ever-loyal hubby Nick Cannon tells TMZ.com “American Idol” (FOX) likely can’t afford Mariah Carey as a replacement for departing judge J-Lo, suggesting she’d need to be paid circa $40 million (dude, you’re dreamin’) . . . Filmmaker James Cameron has petitioned for a dismissal of a $2.5-billion lawsuit filed by screenwriter Bryant Moore that alleges the director stole the idea for “Avatar” (the guy will likely settle if he can cover next month’s rent) . . . And sorta actor David Hasselhoff has now given up on the idea of a starring role in a planned bigscreen version of his TV hit “Baywatch”(1989-2001) and will now only appear in a cameo, playing himself (whew, nobody wants to see a 60-year-old in a Speedo).


• “America’s Got Talent” (NBC/CityTV) – 12 of the top 48 acts perform.
• “Colbert Report” (Comedy Central/CTV) – Nas (“Life is Good”, his 10th studio album, out today. It features Amy Winehouse on one track).
• “George Stroumboulopoulos Tonight” (CBC) – Sarah McLachlan (“Laws of Illusion”).
• “Good Morning America” (ABC) – Currently touring Jennifer Lopez and Enrique Iglesias. They play Toronto tonight in the first of back-to-back dates.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CHCH) – Matisyahu (“Spark Seeker”, out today).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Melvins (“Freak Puke”). Rerun.
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) – Best Coast (“The Only Place”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni1) – Jeff the Brotherhood (“Hypnotic Nights”).
• “Live With Kelly” (syndicated/CTV) – Guest co-host Josh Groban (“Illuminations”). Rerun.


• David Nail – Today he releases “1979”, a 3-song digital EP that includes a cover of Adele’s “Someone Like You “.
• Dierks Bentley – He’s recorded the “Weeds” theme song “Little Boxes For the Emmy” to open an episode of the Showtime series during its final season. The 1962 folk song has been recorded by numerous artists to run on the show over its 8 seasons.
• Madonna – She shot her just-released new video “Turn Up the Radio” in Florence, Italy earlier this Summer.
• Rihanna – She’s participating in a new TV fashion competition on the UK’s Sky Living channel called “Styled to Rock”. The 10-week series beginning in August will feature Riri mentoring young British designers alongside her own stylist, Lisa Cooper.
• Smashing Pumpkins – Today they release a deluxe version of their 1994 compilation album “Pisces Iscariot” that includes 17 previously unreleased or alternate versions of songs, 24 previously unreleased live performances, and the band’s 1st-ever demo.
• Soul Asylum – “Delayed Reaction”, their 1st album in 6 years, is out today. The project was recorded in Los Angeles, New Orleans, and their hometown of Minneapolis.
• Taylor Swift –  The 22-year-old has been ranked the ‘Highest-Earning Celebrity Under Age 30’ in a new listing from “Forbes” magazine, hauling in $57 million over the past year. Justin Bieber is runner-up at $55 million.


• “Casa De Mi Padre” ( R-Rated Comedy ): Will Ferrell is experimenting with indie movies again, this one a bit unhinged and borderline inappropriate. The story follows the ‘Alvarez’ brothers, who find themselves at war with a Mexican drug lord while trying to save their father’s ranch. Co-stars Gael García Bernal, Diego Luna. Directed by Matt Piedmont of “Funny or Die” fame.
• “Friends With Kids” ( R-Rated Comedy ) – Jennifer Westfeldt wrote, directed, and stars in this story of 2 best friends who decide to have a child together while keeping their relationship platonic, so they can avoid the toll kids can take on romantic relationships. Co-stars Adam Scott, Jon Hamm, Kristen Wiig.
• “Salmon Fishing In the Yemen” ( PG-13 Romantic Comedy ) – A fishing expert is approached by a consultant to help realize a sheik’s vision of bringing the sport of fly-fishing to his country deep in the desert. Stars Ewan McGregor, Emily Blunt. Debuted at the Toronto Film Festival in 2011.
• “The Three Stooges” ( PG Comedy ): A Farrelly Bros take on the classic comedy trio who made dozens of shorts beginning in the 1930s. The storyline follows ‘Curly, Larry, and Moe’ as they try to save their childhood orphanage, inadvertently stumble onto a murder plot, and end up on a reality TV show. Stars Sean Hayes, Chris Diamantopoulos, Will Sasso, Jane Lynch.
• Also released today: “Alphas: Season 1” (Sci-Fi TV); “American Masters Johnny Carson: King of Late Night” (Documentary); “Bonanza: The Official 3rd Season” (Classic TV); “Designing Women: The Final Season” (Vintage TV); “Diff’rent Strokes: The Complete 3rd Season” (Vintage TV); “Doomsday Prophecy” (Sci-Fi TV); “Eureka: Season 5” (TV); “IRT: Deadliest Roads: Season 2 – The Andes” (TV); “Leverage: The 4th Season” (TV); and “Storage Wars: Volume 3” (Reality TV).


When international companies introduce their products in other countries without thoroughly checking out language implications, hilarious results can occur. For instance …
• ‘Barf’ – In Iran, where this detergent is manufactured, that word means ‘snow’.
• ‘Fart Bar’ – This candy bar is made in Poland, where the name translates to ‘lucky bar’.
• ‘Lumia’ – Nokia’s smartphone translates in Spanish slang to ‘prostitute’.
• ‘Only Puke’ – The ‘et’ after ‘Puke’ on these Chinese chips is obscured by packaging design.
• ‘Megapussi’ – ‘Extra-large bags’ of potato chips in Finland; available only at KKK Supermarkets.
• ‘Pee Cola’ – Bottled in Ghana, where it means ‘very good cola’.
• ‘Siri’ – In the country of Georgia, iPhone’s personal assistant’s name is a rude word for …er … ‘johnson’.
– Adapted from MentalFloss.com


If you’re a male who has ever lounged in a bathrobe, relaxed in a kimono or, for whatever reason, slipped on a skirt, you know the truth … pants are stupid. Why are we consigned to spend our days in these anatomically inhibiting, temperature boosting vestments? Blame horses. If we go back to the Mediterranean region 2,000 years ago, we find that none of the civilized people there wore pants. It was only when soldiers began riding horses that leg-baring garments became a problem. As a result, wearing pants became associated with high-status men, and gradually spread to other males. (As did ‘zipper-burn’.)
– “Globe & Mail”

C’mon, when’s the last time you saw a normal woman …
✗ Answering the phone without saying hello, and hanging it up without saying goodbye.
✗ Fighting and then going bonkers over a wedding bouquet.
✗ Having perfect hair at the beach.
✗ Having full-on conversations during a run or a spin class.
✗ Hanging out with a group of friends, at home, in her underwear.
✗ Holding down a ridiculously high-powered job 1 year out of college.
✗ Being able to run in heels with ease but then falling down for no reason in all other situations.
✗ Giving this exact response when asked out on a date: “I’d like that.”
– Condensed from Glamour.com


A statistical look at who we are and the things we do …
• 68% of women have no problem at all killing a spider. (By asking their husband.)
• 63% of us say that ‘family’ matters most. (Followed by ‘health’ at 19%).
• 60% of us admit we wake up grumpy. (20% have no idea why.)
• 41% of dog-owners dislike it when a stranger pets their dog. (89% of non-dog owners dislike it when someone’s mongrel sniffs their privates.)
• 40% of us would quit working if we won $10 million. (How about for $1 mill?)
• 28% of us have gone skinny-dipping. (But only 14% with the opposite sex.)


If you want to stay fit and healthy, keep these supermarket staples out of your grocery cart …
✗ Doughnuts – Store-bought doughnuts contain the unholy trinity of unhealthy ingredients: trans fat, sugar, and refined flour. Many contain a whopping 10-to-20 grams of fat each.
✗ Frozen Meals – They can be loaded with fat and calories. So-called ‘diet’ versions are heavily processed and often high in sodium.
✗ Low-Fat Foods – Don’t be fooled by the label. Sugar, salt, and unhealthy fillers are often substituted to add flavor and texture to these otherwise bland processed products.
✗ Margarine – Though it’s billed as a cholesterol-free, healthy alternative to butter, it’s the ultimate source of trans fats, which actually elevate cholesterol and damage blood vessel walls.
✗ Potato Chips – Bad for your waistline plus they contain ‘acrylamide’, a known carcinogen that is formed when foods are baked or fried at high temperatures.
✗ Processed Meat – Meats preserved by smoking, curing, or salting, or that contain chemical preservatives, are linked to an increased risk of colon cancer.
✗ Soda – Soft drink consumption is one of the easiest ways to pack on pounds. Consuming more than 2.5 cans per day also increases risk of cardiovascular disease, diabetes, and cancer.
– Condensed from RD.com


‘Nominative determinism’ is a theory that suggests a person’s name may have a bearing on the career they end up choosing. A few real-life examples …
✓ Jim Beveridge… Master Blender for Johnnie Walker whisky.
✓ Dr P Wright, a British urologist in County Durham.
✓ Sue Yoo, a NYC attorney.
✓ Professor Lean, nutritionist at Glasgow University who’s about to launch healthy, diet-conscious pizzas.
✓ Dr Hu, an expert at the Institute of Space & Earth Information Science.
✓ Robert H Stubbs, a Canadian specialist in male penile enlargement.
– Extrapolated from PopBitch.com


In July 1935, when Oklahoma City installed the first 150 parking meters anywhere, tourists drove in from miles around to pay 5 cents to park an hour.
– HaLife.com


1935 [77] Donald Sutherland, Saint John NB, movie actor (“The Hunger Games”, “Cold Mountain”)/actor Keifer Sutherland’s pop/Hollywood Walk Of Fame (2011)/Canada’s Walk of Fame (2000)/Order of Canada (1978)

1947 [65] The Duchess of Cornwall (Camilla Parker Bowles Windsor), Plumpton UK, Prince Charles’ longtime mistress whom he finally wed in April 2005 (she’s 472 in dog years)

1952 [60] David Hasselhoff, Baltimore MD, TV personality (“America’s Got Talent” 2006-09)/movie actor (“Dodgeball”)/former TV actor (“Baywatch” 1989-2000, “Knight Rider” 1982-86)  BS FACTOID: ‘The Hoff’ has revealed he hopes to spend his 60th birthday making love to his 32-year-old girlfriend Hayley Roberts … 60 times.

1954 [58] Angela Merkel (Kasner), Hamburg, West Germany, German Chancellor since 2005

1960 [52] Mark Burnett, London UK, really rich TV producer/writer (“Survivor”, “The Apprentice”, “Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?”)/TV director (“MTV Movie Awards”)

1964 [48] Craig Morgan, Kingston Springs TN, country singer (“Bonfire”, “That’s What I Love About Sunday”)

1976 [36] Luke Bryan, Leesburg GA, country singer (“Drunk on You”, “I Don’t Want This Night to End”)

1983 [29] Adam Lind, Muncie IN, MLB 1st baseman (Toronto Blue Jays)


• “Wear Crazy Socks to Work Day”, another excuse to goof off on-the-job, this time while laughing and pointing at one another’s feet. Multicolored toe socks, anyone?

• “World Day for International Justice”, celebrated on the anniversary of the adoption of the ‘Rome Statute’, the treaty that created the International Criminal Court in 1998.


1955 [57] ‘Disneyland’ opens in Anaheim CA, billed ‘The Happiest Place on Earth’ (a live TV broadcast of the event is hosted by Walt Disney, Art Linkletter, and Ronald Reagan)


1902 [110] Buffalo NY engineer Willis Carrier installs 1st ‘Air Conditioning System’ in a Brooklyn NY printing plant (for the next 20 years, his invention is used primarily to cool machines, not people)

1917 [95] British royal family 1st uses surname ‘Windsor’ in an attempt to rid itself of its German heritage (and the hard-to-spell ‘Saxe-Coburg-Gotha’)


1941 [71] NY Yankee legend Joe DiMaggio doesn’t get a hit, bringing his ‘Consecutive Game Hitting Streak’ to a close after 56 games since May 16th (a record that still stands)

1982 [30] 52-year-old Don Bennett of Seattle WA becomes 1st ‘One-Legged Mountain Climber’ to hop to the top of 14,408-ft Mount Rainier


[Wed] Caviar Day
[Thurs] Stick Your Tongue Out Day
[Thurs] Flitch Day
[Fri] “The Dark Knight Rises” opens in movie theaters
[Fri] Moon Day
This Week Is … Parenting Gifted Children Week
This Month Is … Freedom From Fear of Public Speaking Month


It’s had close to 600 million guests since it opened 57 years ago today. Imagine the crowds if they incorporated these attractions …
• Thaw out Walt and let him run the ‘Mouse Ears’ concession.
• Give dads the opportunity of an hour alone with the “Little Mermaid”.
• Goodbye costumed animals, hello ‘Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling’.
• Paint a target on ‘Goofy’; give visitors the choice of BB gun or slingshot.
• At ‘Hall of Presidents’, have the Calvin Coolidge robot perform a slow, seductive striptease.
• Edible food.


☎ What’s the absolute best wedding song?


• The average person has 9,000 of which in their body?
a. Stem cells.
b. Taste buds. [CORRECT]
c. Toxins.
– Yahoo! Trivia


You know what I did before I got married? Anything I wanted to.


Question: According to a recent poll, THIS is the most recognizable smell for children.
Answer: Flowers. (Followed by pizza.)

Do it before you figure out how it can’t work.

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