Monday, June 28, 2004 Edition: #2810
Ah, the Sweet Smell of BS!
TACKY TABLOID BS:
• “National Enquirer” claims Brad Pitt attempted to finagle a cameo for wife Jennifer Aniston in the now-shooting “Ocean 12 “. Director Steven Soderbergh and the producers loved the idea, but it was nixed by – his hog-the-screen co-stars Julia Roberts & Catherine Zeta-Jones.
• According to “The Scoop”, actress Kirsten Dunst is tired of supporting her family. The 22-year-old “Spider-Man 2″ star has been earning money since she was a toddler but lately she’s been saying she’d like to wean her relatives from her cash because it ‘complicates’ things. (The lazy bloodsuckers!)
• “NY Post” reports that Paris Hilton is about to begin filming her first starring role in a (non-porn) movie. In the upcoming campus comedy, “National Lampoon’s Pledge This!”, she’ll play the president of an elitist sorority at fictional ‘South Beach University’. (So much fame … so little talent.)
• Meantime, “Us Weekly” profiles Paris Hilton & Nick Carter’s ‘rocky romance’. A friend of the Backstreet Boy confirms to the mag ‘she is super-high-maintenance’ and cites ‘trust issues’ as the main issue in their romance (Translated: She fools around). Paris herself tells “Us” that she hopes to marry by her mid-20s (she’s already 23) and have a family but she has no idea who it will be with. (Gee, feeling secure, Nick?)
• “Star” magazine quotes Sharon Osbourne as saying husband Ozzy is considering retirement … in 2 or 3 years. So maybe it’s not premature to start talking about a biographical movie, with Johnny Depp reportedly considering the lead role. (Who would you cast in the other family roles?)
• According to “Hollywood Reporter”, Mariah Carey is in the process of writing an illustrated children’s book about a ‘bi-racial orphan girl’ which could be turned into an animated series. (Answering the musical question, what do you do when your records won’t sell anymore?)
• Online gossip rag defamer.com says Perry Farrell just can’t seem to win. First THIS SUMMER’S planned “Lollapalooza” tour went kaput and now apparently so has Jane’s Addiction. A post on guitarist Dave Navarro’s Web blog suggests it’s due to volatile personalities and creative differences. (Translated: He’s too busy gettin’ busy with new wife Carmen Electra.)
WEIRDEST SUPERMARKET TABLOID HEADLINES:
• “Wife Used Hubby’s Toothbrush – to Clean the Commode!”
• “Miracle Cabbage Cures the Sick!”
• “Werewolf Sues Boss for Time Off During Full Moon!”
• “Woman With 36-Inch-Long Fingernails Kills Herself – While Picking Her Nose!”
• “Someone May Be Snorting Grandma! Teens Sniffing Human Ashes to Get High!”
BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Evanescence – They’ll hit the road for a North American tour with Seether in JULY & August.
• Avion – Frontman Steve Bertrand’s previous band The Tories provided the theme song and most of the score for Christina Applegate’s NBC-TV sitcom “Jesse” from 1998-2000.
• Richard Marx – His father, Dick Marx, was an accomplished musician, composer & vocal coach as well as a successful jingle writer for TV commercials.
• Gavin DeGraw – He’ll release the acoustic bonus disc “Chariot Stripped” JULY 27, to be re-packaged with the existing album.
• Jason Mraz – The “Curbside Prophet” was a staple on the San Diego music scene for years. His regular gig was at a joint called Java Joes on Thursday nights.
GOOFY GIZMOS & GADGETS:
• Tired of phone callers being drowned out by ambient noise? A new wireless phone called ‘Jawbone’ uses vibrations in the bones of the user’s face to distinguish the user’s voice from background noise. Thus the voice can be amplified while the background is dampened. It’s due out THIS FALL.
• A German scientist has invented a new aid to help you remember things – ‘Memory Spectacles’. The prototype consists of a helmet with a pair of front-mounted cameras to record images of what the user sees. The images can then be played back to help the absent-minded remember where they put their car keys or other forgotten events.
BS ACCIDENT EXCUSES:
Drivers can sure get creative when it comes to giving excuses for the cause of an accident. Here are a few real wowzers gleaned from actual accident reports …
• “I became so impressed with my truck’s beeping back-up signal, I backed into a wall while listening to it.”
• “I didn’t know my foot was still on the accelerator.”
• “The other car shouldn’t have been in my way.”
• “I swerved to hit a tree that wasn’t there.”
• “I was going the wrong way down a one-way street when I hit a car which was not there when going the other way.”
• “The horse came out of nowhere and landed on my car.”
– “Fleet News”
WOULD JESUS PLAY THE LOTTERY?
A study of the relationship between faith and lifestyle by the evangelical research organization Barna Group finds that 15% of born-again Christians and 23% of other Christians buy lottery tickets weekly. That compares with 10% of adherents of non-Christian faiths and 12% of atheists and agnostics. (Okay so Christians gamble, big deal. But is it moral to pray for a win?)
– “Washington Post”
HOW COME SKINNY PEOPLE CAN EAT A LOT?
Boston’s Children’s Hospital conducted two separate studies to evaluate the effects of fast food on overweight vs lean adolescents. The conclusion – lean adolescents tend to compensate for over-eating fast food by eating less at other meals. Overweight kids do not.
– “Journal of the American Medical Association”
BS TRUE CRIME:
• A pair of Detroit robbers entered a music store nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, “Nobody move!” When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
• A wannabe bank robber in Modesto CA was arrested for trying to hold up a branch using his thumb and forefinger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
• An Illinois man pretended to have a gun in order to kidnap a motorist and force him to drive to 2 different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money … from his own bank accounts!
• There wasn’t much money in the till when a guy robbed a Topeka KS convenience store, so he tied up the clerk and worked the counter himself … for 3 hours!
THE BULL SHEET 06.28.2K4
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1926 [78] Mel Brooks (Kaminsky), Brooklyn NY, really rich Broadway producer (“The Producers”)/movie director (“Blazing Saddles”) COMING UP: A movie version of the Broadway smash musical “The Producers”, which ironically was based on his 1968 film.
1948 [56] Kathy Bates, Memphis TN, movie actress (“About Schmidt”, Oscar-“Misery”)
1966 [38] John Cusack, Evanston IL, movie actor ( “The Runaway Jury”, “Pushing Tin”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[Canada] Federal Election Day
TODAY is “National Tapioca Day”, honoring that stuff you put in pudding that looks like fish eyes.
TODAY is “Paul Bunyon Day”, celebrating the famous American fable about the giant lumberjack who performed incredible feats such as scooping out the Great Lakes to get water for his blue ox ‘Babe’ (why the heck was he blue – Mad Cow?) The stories date back to the 1800s, then appeared in newspapers in the early 1900s and turned Paul Bunyon into part of American folklore.
THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1998 [06] 1st TV ratings week in which more viewers watch cable channels than broadcast channels (yeah, that Home & Garden channel is rivetting, isn’t it?)
TODAY’S FIRST . . .
1994 [10] 1st ‘UV Index’ reading, measuring daily ultraviolet exposure from the sun’s rays (US Environmental Protection Agency)
TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1984 [20] England’s Melvyn Switzer sets ‘loudness record for snoring’ (85.5 decibels)
COMING UP . . .
[Tues] “2004 BET Awards”
[Tues] 3 Doors Down/Nickelback tour begins (St Paul MN)
[Thurs] Canada Day (no BS service)
[Sunday, July 4] Groundbreaking for 1,776-foot ‘Ground Zero’ skyscraper in NYC
[Monday, July 5] 50th Anniversary of Rock ‘N Roll
This Week Is . . . Helen Keller Deaf-Blindness Awareness Week
This Month Is . . . Soul Food Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
According to one poll, 70% of kids quit organized sports before they turn 13. Why? A related survey finds that almost half of all kids playing sports have been yelled at or insulted by adults.
YOU KNOW YOU’RE TAKING KIDS’ SPORTS TOO SERIOUSLY IF …
• You abstain from sex the night before a T-ball game.
• You’ve replaced your kid’s ‘Flintstone Chewable Vitamins’ with ‘WWE Chewable Steroids’.
• You once fired live ammo over your kid’s head when he was running between bases.
• At your house, potty training involves a starter’s pistol.
• You’ve gone shirtless with your chest painted in the team colors … and it didn’t sit well with the other soccer moms.
• You’ve had a fist-fight in the stands … with the goalie’s grandmother.
• You tell your daughter, “Put down the Gatorade, Samantha. The Gatorade is for winners.”
MORE BS QUESTIONS PLAGUING HUMANITY:
• When an agnostic dies, does he go to the ‘Great Perhaps’?
• Doesn’t it seem that English has too many unnecessary, needless, unneeded, redundant words?
• Did you ever consider that puberty ruins everything?
• Ever notice that women like to ‘spoon’ in bed whereas men just like to ‘fork’?
• Ever notice that tennis is bad for your tennis shoes?
• Can police officers also smell your fear?
BS WEB GOODIES:
• Here’s a great spot to stock up on material for your library of SFX and voice clips. Over 500 amusing sound bites are available for download … free!
NET: http://members.fortunecity.com/muschi30/sounds.htm
• Mary-Kate may be in a clinic getting help for an eating disorder but that hasn’t stopped the Olsen twins from posting their own personal ‘Health Tips’ on the Web. And we quote: “Incorporating food into your fitness regime is crucial in keeping your blood sugar regulated and your body energized during exercise. Also, you can’t burn body fat efficiently without nutrients coming into your body. If you plan to sizzle in the gym, don’t forget to snack!” Hey, M-K, are you listening?
http://mary-kateandashley.com/mind_body_soul/ (click on ‘Health’ and check out the archive)
BS BOOZE TRIVIA:
Q: Vodka is made from potatoes, bourbon from corn, and tequila is made from a cactus plant that’s common in Mexico. So what’s rum made from?
A: Rum is made from sugar cane or molasses.
BS PHONE STARTERS:
• What’s the biggest lie you’ve put on a resume in order to get a job?
• What’s the grossest thing you ever saw someone do at the beach?
• What article of clothing should your partner never wear, but you don’t have the guts to say it?
BS BLATANT JOKES:
• I’ll vote for anyone who has one face.
• The problem is that children last so much longer than marriages.
• The upshot to dying is that you don’t have to work the following day.
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: We’re not quite sure how they pull it off but a quarter of men surveyed claim they’ve done THIS.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Faked an orgasm.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Life is 99% meanwhile.
WELCOME NEW BS-ERS!
BS salutes new subscriber Don Wayne @ KOOL 106.3 Little Rock AR; also Dave Wingert @ Jones Radio Network, Seattle WA who’s back for another year; and samplers this week that include Carol Wolfe @ KZOQ Missoula MT; Amie Jackson @ WEEG Saginaw MI; Nikki St John @ WQQB Champaign IL; Rick Rogers @ WAFM Amory MS; and Michelle Kahler @ KMXC Sioux Falls SD. Welcome to the pasture, all! Remember, we bonus you ONE FREE MONTH for each and every new subscriber you refer, so pass the BS!
