Monday, June 7, 2004        Edition: #2795
Zee Bull Is Back With Your Daily Constitutional Sheet!

TACKY TABLOID BS:
• TONIGHT the “2004 Fashion Awards” will be handed out by the Council of Fashion Designers of America in NYC. “People” notes that “Sex & the City’s“ Sarah Jessica Parker will receive a special ‘Fashion Icon’ award & designer Donna Karan will pick up a ‘Lifetime Achievement Award’. “American Idol” winner Fantasia Barrino is set to perform.
• Jennifer Lopez married Marc Anthony SATURDAY in a hush-hush ceremony in the backyard of her LA mansion, according to “Us Weekly”. The wedding comes 5 months after her split from Ben Affleck and just 5 days after his divorce from Dayanara Torres. (In her serial marriage spree, this is her first ‘Marc’.)
• To everyone breathing a sigh of relief that Mel C’s unwillingness to commit has stopped the idea of a Spice Girls reunion – think again. PopBitch.com says rumors are circulating that a replacement 5th member is secretly being lined up. Just think, that would make a Spice Girls/Hanson double-bill possible! (Suggested name for the new girl? ‘Old Spice’? ‘All Spice’?)
• Halle Berry’s philandering hubby Eric Benét has asked an LA judge to determine the validity of their prenuptial agreement reports “Daily Dish”. She filed for divorce LAST MONTH and apparently he’s now worried about his free meal ticket.
• UK’s “News of the World” claims actress Cameron Diaz has dumped Justin Timberlake – because she thinks he’s ‘holding back her career’. The tab says she broke the bad news over dinner during the “Cannes Film Festival”. But the truth may be elsewhere – Justin has been hinting that reports he had a fling with Janet Jackson are true.
• According to “The Scoop”, Russell Crowe lived up to his reputation for being hot-headed on the Toronto set of “Cinderella Man”, once walking off swearing when another actor kept blowing lines. Crowe also puffed cigarettes throughout the filming, but because he was wearing boxing gloves, he couldn’t hold or light his own cigarettes – so they had a special guy just to do that for him!
• “World Entertainment News” reports formerly full-figured actress/model Anna Nicole Smith’s strict slimming regime has become the subject of grave concern for close pals, because she now hardly eats. It’s said she now bears no resemblance to her former buxom appearance in her reality TV show. Friends fear her extreme efforts to keep slimming may pose a threat to her health. Smith latest project is in France filming a European vacation documentary.
• 2-foot-8 actor Verne Troyer, best known as ‘Mini-Me’ in the “Austin Powers” films, is seeking an annulment of his marriage to 6-foot-2 model Genevieve Gowman. “E! Online” reports that a judge will decide JUNE 17th. His lawyer says the couple didn’t have a ‘valid marriage’. (Well you do the physics – he had to go UP on her.)

WACKIEST WEEKLY TABLOID HEADLINES:
• “Cannibals Order Pizza – Then Eat the Deliveryman!”
• “Dentist Kills Werewolf by Giving Him Silver Fillings!”
• “Shoplifter Hides Snakes in His Pants!”
• “Crazy Crooks Rob Bank at Skunk Point!”
• “Chihuahua Gets Great Dane Pregnant!”
• “Psychic Lobster Earns Gambler $4 Million!”

SLIMMING WHILE YOU SHOP:
In Britain, grocery carts are called trolleys and the new ‘Trim Trolley’ is designed to help shoppers burn calories while shopping. The gizmo allows the shopper to select different levels of resistance, making the cart harder to push. It also features a pulse monitor, a timer, and a computer for working out speed and how many calories have been burned. So far it’s just a demonstration gimmick introduced by supermarket chain Tesco, but the company says it if proves popular, it will introduce it in all its stores. (To relieve guilt while you stuff your trolley with Twinkies.)
– “Science”

JUGGLING COURSES:
As part of a new compulsory ‘Personal Development, Health & Physical Education’ program, high school students in New South Wales, Australia will now be able to select courses in how to choose the best foods, yoga and – circus training. (Back in the day we had to run cross-country, 5 grueling miles in the rain. Now they’re giving marks for clown makeup?)
– World Entertainment News

WHO DIED IN HERE?
British scientists have begun a new study to try to help dogs that bark, whine and become nervous when traveling in the car. They’ve fitted the dogs with special collars that release a reassuring smell, which they hope will calm the animals. (Isn’t the last thing you need from your dog – the release of additional smells?)
– “Daily Star”

DOWN IN THE DUMPS, UP IN PRICE:
Feeling down or disgusted? Don’t buy or sell anything! And whatever you do, stay away from eBay or other online shopping sites until you cheer up. That’s because people tend to pay considerably more for an item when they’re sad, claims psychologist Jennifer Lerner of Carnegie Mellon University. At the same time, she says, feelings of disgust can lead people to sell things at a lower price than they would otherwise.
– “Psychological Science”

DISGUSTO DELICACIES:
• Bull Penis – No BS, this lip-smacking delicacy is hailed as an aphrodisiac in China.
• Roasted Cicada Larvae – For the most satisfying flavor, larvae must be caught just as they’re about to transform. In parts of North America, this year is when periodical cicada nymphs emerge from the ground, which only occurs every 17 years.
• Blood Stew – Known as ‘diniguan’ in the Philippines, this gourmet treat made from a pig’s heart and blood is sometimes called ‘Chocolate Pork’.
• Drunken Shrimp – Basically, live shrimp swimming in a bowl of rice wine. Chinese gourmands catch the critters with chopsticks and bite the yummy heads off.
• Dried Purple Seaweed — Dubbed dulse by Maritimers, this dish gets its flavor from small stones and flotsam entangled in the rotting seaweed.
• Honey Ants – Ants are force-fed honey until they swell to twice their normal size, then are gobbled down by eager Aussies.
• Maggot Cheese – Folks in Sardinia leave cheese out covered with cheesecloth so flies lay their eggs in it, wait for the maggots to hatch, then spread the resulting mess on bread and chow down.
• Potted Hough – Similar to head cheese, which is made from the boiled head of an animal, this Scottish delicacy is made from the other end of the beast, generally a cow.
• Seal Flipper Pie – Newfoundlanders bake the flippers along with diced pork fat and onions.
• Fermented Squid Guts – The Japanese adore this dish, known as ‘shiokara’.
• Snake Blood – Harvested from king cobras, this beverage is revered in Thailand for its medicinal powers.
• Stinkheads — Alaska’s Yup’ik people chop the heads off salmon, bury them in the ground for a summer, then dig them up and dig in. Beyond the unique taste, the foul-smelling dish has a hallucinogenic effect.
– Abridged and augmented from “Weekly World News”.

BS AMAZING FACTS:
• The longest hiccuping attack lasted 65 years. The longest sneezing fit went on for 978 days. And the longest yawning ordeal persisted for 5 weeks!
• Adults are 27 times more likely to go to the gym on MONDAY than on Friday, if they do it at all, of course.

THE BULL SHEET 06.07.2K4

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1929 [75] John Turner, Richmond UK, 17th Canadian PM (for 80 days June-September 1984)

1940 [64] Tom Jones, Pontypridd WALES, oldies singer (“It’s Not Unusual”)/underwear collector

1952 [52] Liam Neeson, Ballymena N IRE, movie actor (“Gangs of New York”, “Star Wars: The Phantom Menace”, “Schindler’s List”)

1958 [46] Prince (Prince Rogers Nelson), Minneapolis MN, pop/rock singer (“Musicology”, “Purple Rain”)

1981 [23] Anna Kournikova, Moscow RUS, pro tennis player (one of biggest money-makers even though she rarely wins)/Enrique Iglesias’ on & off girlfriend

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Chocolate Ice Cream Day”, celebrating one of the most popular flavors, but not THE most popular flavor. That honor still goes to vanilla, favorite of 29% of us. Chocolate is #2 at 8.9%.

TOMORROW through Thursday is the “Group of 8 Summit” in Sea Island GA during which the US prez will zip around in the ‘Bushmobile’, a red, white & blue electric car which resembles a golf cart the size of a Volkswagen Beetle. Top speed – 25 mph.

TOMORROW is “Name Your Poison Day”, the origin of which remains a mystery, but we’ll drink to that!

THIS WEEK is “Pet Appreciation Week”, set aside to ‘remember our pet companions who mean so much to us and do something special for them’. For instance …
SPECIAL BS THINGS TO DO WITH YOUR PET:
• Return the favor – lick your dog’s face.
• Mark your territory by peeing on the couch.
• Just for a change, bring your cat a dead bird.
• Make a real effort to learn how to purr.
• Eat lots of cabbage so you can contribute to the household methane production.
• Learn to relate – eat dinner on the floor.
• Spend quality time with your pet rolling around in something really yucky.
• Join the fun – sniff your neighbor’s butt … then bite the mailman.

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1975 [29] 1st ‘home VCR’ (Sony’s ‘Betamax’ sells for exorbitant price of $1,295 even though it records for a maximum of only 1 hour)

TODAY’S FIRST . . .
1989 [15] 1st Major League Baseball game to start outdoors and end indoors (Toronto Skydome roof closes during game)

COMING UP . . .
[Tues] National Taco Day
[Thurs] Nursing Assistants Day
[Sat] Automotive Service Professionals Day
[Sat] Take a Kid Fishing Weekend
[June 20] Fathers Day
This Week Is . . . Headache Awareness Week / Men’s Health Week
This Month Is . . . Seafood Month / Recycling Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS PHRASES TO AVOID WHEN WRITING YOUR OWN WEDDING VOWS:
• “… until debt do us part.”
• “… and at least consider the possibility of an occasional three-some.”
• “… to love, honor, and protect you from other stalkers …”
• “Whither thou goest, I will go – but for God’s sake, use the air freshener when you’re finished!”
• “For richer or poorer with a minimum 6-figure poorness …”
• “…on Springer or Oprah …”
• “And in the words of James Brown …”
• “Set phasers on love!”

BS BLATANT JOKES:
• I sing like a bird. A crow.
• We now un-join the preceding program, which is already finished.

GREATEST ALL-TIME FEMALE ATHLETES:
Go ahead … have an argument!
1. Babe Didrikson
2. Jackie Joyner-Kersee
3. Serena Williams
4. Marion Jones
5. Martina Navratilova
(Who’s missing? Anna Kournikova?)
– ESPN

BS ‘BUST MY BLUFF’:
You and your co-host each tell a little tale … one true, one absolute BS. Your contestant must decide which is which.
GAME #1 –
• In 1994, Jeff Bezos wanted to name his new Web venture ‘Cadabra’, as in ‘abracadabra’. His attorney convinced him it sounded too much like ‘cadaver’ so Bezos reluctantly went with his 2nd choice – Amazon.com.
• The keyboard we are familiar with today was invented by Hungarian immigrant Qwert Yullop. When he perfected his typewriter in 1878, he decided to leave his ‘signature’ on the top line of keys, which spell Q-W-E-R-T. [BS]

GAME #2 –
• When touch-tone telephone keypads were originally designed, the plan was to have buttons for ‘Police’ and ‘Fire Department’. But before the keypads were put into use, the 911 emergency system was developed, so the keys were replaced with the * [star] and # [pound] keys we see on our phones today. [BS]
• Modern mascara was invented in 1915 by TL Williams whose sister Mabel had a beauty trick of applying a mixture of petroleum jelly & coal dust to her eyelashes. Williams marketed the product as ‘Lash-Brow-Inc’ but sales didn’t really pick up until he renamed it ‘Maybelline’, after his sister.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: You can burn 437 calories doing THIS and make a friend very happy at the same time.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Help someone move.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
A wedding is a funeral where you smell your own flowers.

WELCOME TO THE PASTURE!
MIX 96 Edmonton AB, C103 Moncton NB, Q104 Halifax NS and KIXX 105 Thunder Bay ON have all signed up for another year of “BS”. We also welcome back subscriber David Wright @ MIX 106.5 Sydney, Australia and samplers this week that include Jerry Broadway @ WDJR Enterprise AL; Phil O’Neil @ Kerrang 105.2 Birmingham UK; JJ Hendrix @ KSWH Arkadelphia AR; Frank Franklin @ KRYS Corpus Christi TX; Bacé @ Trabzon Radio in Gunuscesme, Turkey; Matt Porteous @ CKKN Prince George BC; Cherie Osgood @ WQAK Union City TN, Mike Jaska @ 102.5 Classic Rock, Deniliquin, Australia; Ross Anthony @ STAR 93.3 Cobourg ON; and Erol Ozlav @ ANS-FM Athens, Greece. Hey, thanks a sheetload for choosing “BS”!