Monday, June 23, 2003 Edition: #2569
Never Accept a Generic – Ask For Pure “BS”!
THE WEEK’S BS TABLOID HEADLINES:
• “Tabasco-Loving Gal Burps Real Fire!”
• “Angels Declared an Endangered Species!”
• “Doctors Find Anti-Wimp Gene!”
• “Adolf Hitler’s ‘Manhood’ Found!”
• “Blowing Your Nose Makes You Stupid!“
• “America Is Running Out of Elvis Jumpsuits!”
• “Saddam & Osama In Love!”
Source: “Weekly World News”
OTHER TRASHY TABLOID BS:
• JK Rowling’s just-released “Harry Potter & the Order of the Phoenix” is already being hailed as the fastest-selling book of all time. “E! Online” reports the author has begun writing the 6th book in the series and already has the final chapter written for the 7th and final book. (By the time it’s published she’ll be able to hire Bill Gates as her butler.)
• According to “Daily Dish”, Brit soccer star David Beckham, who’s just signed a mega-million deal to play for Spanish club Real Madrid, and his former Spice Girl wife Victoria have put a $4-million villa at the top of their wish list for a new address when they move. It reportedly has 8 bedrooms – and a matching pair of thrones in the living room. Oh, and it’s right next door to King Juan Carlos’ palace (location, location, location!). Meantime, “PeopleNews” reports the couple, known as ‘Posh & Becks’ in Britain, are planning an over-the-top $150,000 farewell party for themselves this SATURDAY and inviting 300 of their closest friends.
• Pamela Anderson has confirmed she and former fiancé Kid Rock are no longer together. “Everywhere” quotes her as saying, “The word that describes me now is free. I’m a mom, that’s
where my life is at.” (She went on to say, “I put your picture away, I wonder where you been. I can’t look at you while I’m lyin’ next to him …”) Kid Rock, meanwhile, is on a USO tour entertaining US troops in the Gulf THIS WEEK.
• 24-year-old “Alex & Emma” star Kate Hudson announced FRIDAY that she & 36-year-old rock singer hubby Chris Robinson are expecting their first child early NEXT YEAR. “National Enquirer” says they are ‘beyond thrilled’. (Wonder if Grandma Goldie is too?)
• And according to several unconfirmed reports, 39-year-old singer Whitney Houston & 34-year-old hell-raisin’ husband Bobby Brown are expecting their 2nd child. “Daily Dish” speculates it may be a result of her recent ‘inspiration-searching’ trip to Israel.
• “NY Post” reports that Demi Moore had her breast implants DOWNsized for her return to the bigscreen in “Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle” (opening FRIDAY). In all, the tab says she had a guesstimated $380,000 makeover before taking up with young lover Ashton Kutcher, including liposuction on her stomach, buttocks and thighs, collagen for her lips, and porcelain caps for her teeth. (What’s left that’s real?)
• Picture this – Renée Zellweger as legendary blues singer Janis Joplin. “E! Online” says she’s just signed on to star in the biopic “Piece of My Heart” that starts filming early NEXT YEAR.
• “Star” reports that 50-year-old Roseanne, who will soon debut her new show “The Domestic Goddess Hour”, has a new man in her life – 54-year-old musician Johnny Argent. They apparently met on the Internet and things progressed to the point where he’s moved into her Palos Verdes CA home. The 3-times-divorced comedienne has handed her new beau the job of bandleader on her upcoming show. (Oh oh, there’s a recipe for trouble.)
• And the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce has announced some of the celebs who’ll be making it onto the Hollywood Walk of Fame over the next year. “Daily Dish” says the list includes Britney Spears, Halle Berry, Anthony Hopkins, Kevin Costner, Glenn Close & media mogul Ted Turner.
WHAT’S IN A NAME:
Researchers at the University of California at San Diego have discovered that men whose initials spell out positive words, like ‘ACE’ or ‘WOW’ actually live longer than those whose initials spell something negative, like ‘BUM’ or ‘UGH’. In fact, men with happy monograms live an average of 4.48 years longer! And the really good news is, the ‘ASS’-es and ‘DIK’-s of the world die 2.88 years earlier. (Ask listeners with unusual monograms to call in, then predict their longevity.)
OLD ANNOUNCERS NEVER DIE, THEY JUST GO INTO RERUNS:
85-year-old Don Pardo has become the longest continuously serving announcer in TV history, now beginning his 60th year in an NBC booth. He’s perhaps best known as the voice of “Saturday Night Live” but has also worked dozens of game shows, including the original “Jeopardy” and “The Price Is Right”, where he regularly excited contestants with the invitation ‘Come on down!’.
SQUEAKY WHEELS:
People who make their colleagues at work miserable by constantly moaning may actually be suffering from a mental illness. According to University of Berlin researchers, they have a newly-identified condition called ‘post-traumatic embitterment disorder’. That’s the reason they whine about their job or the boss and spread vicious gossip while doing as little work as possible. The researchers say PTED sufferers can beat the illness by devoting more time and energy to other areas, such as hobbies and social activities. (In other words, get a life!)
FROM THE BS POLL VAULT:
• 86% of 2000 women surveyed by “Glamour” magazine want MORE male on-screen nudity. (Just not big John Travolta, OK?)
• “Fitness” magazine polled women on why they start dieting. The top reasons were ‘tight clothes’, ‘health’ and ‘falling in love’. (Many also liked the idea of ‘having two separate thighs’.)
WEIRD YET TRUE BS:
• A year-and-a-half-old Ottawa toddler who fell 5-stories has apparently been saved from serious injury – by his own full diaper. (Answering the question: what could possibly make you look like an even crappier parent than allowing your kid to fall out a window?)
• You think local traffic is maddening? The traffic ministry in Lagos, Nigeria has become so fed up with insane driving, including motorists jumping curbs and driving down the wrong side of streets to avoid traffic jams, that it’s ordered police to arrest offenders, impound their vehicles and force them to have – psychiatric evaluations.
• An Austrian man has put his foot in his mouth – literally. The 35-year-old cut off his toes, fried them up and ate them between 2 slices of bread after getting high huffing butane gas. When EMS workers arrived, he offered to share some toe saying – no BS – “It tastes like chicken, do you want some?”
BS AMAZING FACTS:
• One-third of all marriages take place in the months of June, July and August.
• The Academy of General Dentistry says that a pack-a-day smoker can expect to lose at least 2 teeth every 10 years. (Likely from getting punched out for bumming so many smokes.)
THE BULL SHEET 06.23.2K3
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1925 [78] Art Modell, rich guy/NFL owner who moved Cleveland Browns to Baltimore to become Ravens
1957 [46] Frances McDormand, Chicago IL, movie actress (“Almost Famous”, Oscar-“Fargo”)/married to filmmaker Joel Coen (“O Brother, Where Art Thou?”, “Fargo”) since 1984
1972 [31] Selma Blair, Southfield MI, movie actress (“A Guy Thing”, “Legally Blonde”, “Cruel Intentions”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY & tomorrow the 15th “World Left-Handed Golf Championship” plays out in Victoria BC. Ask about the unique problems encountered by lefties on the links.
PHONER: 250-743-2456 (Bob Zimmerman)
TODAY in Northern Europe is “Midsummer Eve”, celebrating the beginning of summer with maypoles, music, dancing and bonfires.
TODAY through July 6th the most celebrated of all tennis tournaments, “The Lawn Tennis Championships at Wimbledon”, is served up at the All England Lawn Tennis & Croquet Club in London ENG. Lleyton Hewitt & Serena Williams will be looking to defend their respective titles.
NET: http://www.wimbledon.org
TODAY is “Let It Go Day”, day to get over whatever is bugging you. (“We’d like to take this opportunity to wish [co-host] all the best …”)
TOMORROW is the annual “Celebration of the Senses”, when you’re encouraged to treat yourself to stimulation of each of your 5 senses. Ask listeners what would be the greatest sensation treat for each (then get ready to hit the bleeper button!).
10 YEARS AGO . . .
1993 Canada agrees to NAFTA free trade agreement
5 YEARS AGO . . .
1998 Jennifer Paige releases hit single “Crush”
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
0930 [1073] World’s 1st ‘parliament’ (Iceland)
1887 [116] Canada’s 1st ‘national park’ is created – Banff National Park
1976 [27] Toronto’s CN Tower 1st opens to public (1st barf is mopped up from glass floor in observation deck) FACTOID: It’s estimated the CN Tower is struck by lightning 200 times per year. SHOULD BE JUNE 26??????
1990 [13] Jean Chrétien 1st elected Liberal Party leader
1924 [79] 1st-ever win for jockey Frank Hayes, who has a heart attack in the saddle during a race, dies, and never finds out he won (NYC’s Belmont Race Track)
1938 [65] 1st ‘public aquarium’ in USA (‘Marineland’ in St Augustine FL)
1974 [29] 1st ‘extraterrestrial message’ sent from Earth into space
TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1982 [21] World’s ‘heaviest domestic cat’, Himmy, weighed in Australia at 20.7 kg (45 lb)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] Discovery Day (NL)
[Tues] Fête Nationale or St-Jean-Baptiste Day (QC)
[Tues] Columnists Day
[Wed] Log Cabin Day
[Wed] Canada’s Walk of Fame Enshrinement Gala (Toronto)
[Thurs-July 6] 24th Montréal Jazz Festival
[Fri] National HIV Testing Day
[Fri] “Charlie’s Angels 2: Full Throttle“ opens in theaters
THIS WEEK IS . . .
Blindness Awareness Week
Carpenter Ant Awareness Week
National Camping Week
Canadian Hire a Student Week
Assistant Principals Week
Gay Pride Week
BULL’S BITS . . .
“The Hulk” opened to monster box office over the weekend. But here’s some BS comic book heroes that likely WON’T be featured in movies …
BS LEAST POPULAR SUPERHEROES:
• ‘Tubal Ligation Guy’
• ‘Accountant Boy’
• ‘Minute Man’
• ‘Incredible Divorced Middle-Aged Alcoholic Toupee-Wearer’
• ‘Captain Iron Lung’
• ‘Aqua Velva Man’
• ‘Super Pants’
• ‘Cyber Loser’
BS WHYZITS:
• Whyzit some light switches are labeled ‘on/off’? Ain’t it obvious?
• Whyzit in a country of free speech there are phone bills?
• Whyzit you have to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank when you are the only person in line?
• Whyzit when we hear a sound in the middle of the night, we automatically assume it is a burglar?
• Whyzit there aren’t ‘B’ batteries?
• Whyzit they put ‘Place Stamp Here’ on envelopes? Is there anyone who doesn’t know where the stamp goes? (“Argh, I don’t know where to put the stamp, there are no instructions on this one!”)
BS ‘WHOSE REAR END?’ GAME:
Just like ‘Name the Tune’ – only backwards. Play the LAST few notes of a tune, then have listeners try to identify the artist and song by guessing ‘Whose Rear End?’.
THE BS MONDAY MORNING BRAIN BUSTER:
A man is found shot to death in his car. All windows are up, all doors locked and no gun is found inside the vehicle. The outside of the car is not scratched or dented, and there are no holes in it. How did the CSI determine he was killed? (He was shot through the sun roof.)
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: You probably wouldn’t want this done to you but 1 in 5 of us have done THIS to someone else.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Swiped flowers from their garden.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Dignity is one thing that cannot be preserved in alcohol.
WELCOME NEW BS-ERS:
Welcome aboard to BS samplers this week that include Janice Jacobs @ WCPR Gulfport MS, Chad Dam @ KDLE Century City CA, and Brian Cleary @ TIPP-FM Tipperary, Ireland (as you know, it’s a long way to Tipperary …). Remember BS-ers, we’ll bonus you ONE FREE MONTH for each & every new “Bull Sheet” subscriber you refer!
