Tuesday, June 03, 2003        Edition: #2555
Our Sheet Don’t Stink!

SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT the “American Idol” spinoff “American Juniors” debuts on FOX-TV for singers ages 6 to 13, but we’ll be seeing 2 weeks of taped auditions before host Ryan Seacrest and an-as-yet-unnamed judging panel show up . . . Britney Spears is selling her $4-million Hollywood Hills hovel to actress Brittany Murphy (“Just Married”, “8 Mile”) because it apparently holds too many memories of ex-bf Justin Timberlake (and also netted her a million-dollar profit) . . . Now that she’s put the ‘For Sale’ sign up on her previous Hollywood home, Madonna has just picked up the $13-million 11,600-sq-ft mansion that former “Once & Again” star Sela Ward put on the market just a few days ago (7 bedrooms, 15 bathrooms, screening room, 2 guest houses, yada yada yada) . . . Show biz observers say it’s becoming more difficult to get people to show up for reality show auditions because they’re realizing that some shows make contestants look ridiculous and reality ‘stars’ don’t achieve fame for very long . . . With his box office percentage plus revenues from video games, DVD & TV sales, estimates are now that Keanu Reeves may make up to $330 million from the 2 “Matrix” sequels . . . And on the other end of the scale, has-been actor Jean-Claude Van Damme’s movie career has tanked so badly he’s considering appearing as a guest star on France’s version of the reality TV show “Big Brother” – for a measly $50,000 stipend.

TODAY’S VIDEO RELEASES:
Pierce Brosnan & Halle Berry star in the spy thriller “Die Another Day” (DVD & VHS) in which ‘James Bond’ must discover the connection between a North Korean terrorist and an adventurous diamond broker . . . Both Jack Nicholson & Kathy Bates received Oscar nominations for the comedy/drama “About Schmidt” (DVD & VHS), the story of a man trying to come to terms with his life after retirement . . . In the romantic comedy “The Guru” (DVD), Jimi Mistry plays a budding Indian actor who travels to New York to make his mark and ends up working in a porn film (opposite Heather Graham) and as a guru hired to entertain at socialite Marisa Tomei’s birthday party . . . “The Animatrix” (DVD), a collection of 9 animated sci-fi short films conceived by the Wachowski Bros, creators of “The Matrix” trilogy.

POVERTY WORLD OPENS:
THIS WEEK Habitat for Humanity, the non-profit group that builds low-income housing, is opening an unusual attraction next to its headquarters in Americus GA. The “Global Village & Discovery Center” is designed to give visitors a look at the world’s worst slums and is expected to attract as many as 70,000 tourists in its first year. Habitat founder Millard Fuller says it’s a theme park for poverty housing where you’ll walk right into a slum and see the pitiful conditions many people in the world must live in. (While you’re there, be sure to visit the spartan fleabag apartments in ‘Radioland’.)

WHAT’S IN A FACE:
• For a new study at the UK’s University of Nottingham, men were asked to rank the faces of 30 young women. It was found that the women picked as most attractive also had the best-sounding voices. (Yeah, that’s always true about both women and men in radio, ain’t it?)
• For a similar study at Spain’s University of Valencia, women ranked the faces of several men whose sperm was also being tested. It was found that the men who rated as most handsome also produced the strongest, best-quality sperm. (Bastards.)

AUSTRALIAN CRAWL:
Here’s an odd fundraiser – a team of 20 Western Australians is planning to swim 6,000 km (3,600 mi) across the country to Sydney – in a pool on the back of a truck! It will be the world’s first-ever cross-country swim in a mobile pool. One person will be swimming at all times during the September-October stunt to raise funds for the Royal Life Saving Society. (Before I’d volunteer, I’d wanna know – will there be a port-a-potty?)

SAVE THOSE BODILY FLUIDS:
In his new book “Biological, Chemical & Nuclear Warfare: Protecting Yourself & Your Loved Ones”, Chappaqua NY physician Dr Savely Yurkosky claims SARS victims can cure themselves by repeatedly diluting their own saliva, mucus or urine with water, agitating the mixture 30 times – and then drinking it! The process supposedly triggers the human immune system to purge the virus. The good doc says this simple homeopathic antidote will work on any type of toxin. (The same effect can be created by drinking American beer.)

SMOOTH NON-SMOKER:
Vladimir Cherny of Dartmouth NS is suing pharmaceutical giant Glaxo Smith Kline, the maker of the stop-smoking drug Zyban, claiming they fail to warn users of a potential side effect – total loss of body hair. (You just watch, Smith Kline will launch a countersuit, claiming the stylish esthetic treatment should actually cost users extra.)

WEIRD WORLD OF BS:
• Twin sisters in India who were married on the same day have also died on the same day – at the age of 114! One died on her way to hospital, the other in her sleep at home. The sisters, who between them had some 125 grandchildren & great-grandchildren, have been buried next to each other.
• Cattle thieves in Namibia have been using fake funerals to transport stolen meat past police roadblocks. The convoys include black-clad women who weep when approached by cops, and a coffin. But an official says if you open the casket, you’re more likely to see a hoof instead of a face.
• Joining the ‘Mile High Club’ has never been easier! Instead of having to evade detection by flight attendants, horny passengers can now sleep with them, thanks to a Chilean brothel in the air. The $500 plan includes 2 ‘attendants’ plus fruit & champagne during a 90-minute flight over Santiago.

GOOFY NEW GIZMOS:
• A flight attendant mom has come up with a clever invention – the ‘Ride-On Carry-On’, a kiddy-sized folding chair that attaches to the pull handle of those wheel-aboard suitcases. Kids under 40 lbs can be strapped in and conveniently wheeled around airports. (How long before some idiot accidentally checks in the baby with the luggage?)
• Researchers at the University of Manchester have developed ‘gecko tape’ – a sticky tape using adhesive that contains billions of tiny plastic fibers similar to the natural hairs covering the soles of lizard’s feet. The research team says the product will have several uses. For instance, ‘Spider-Man’-type gloves that allow people to walk on walls. (This is nothing new. [Co-host] has been driving me up the wall for years.)

BS AMAZING FACT:
A new American Lung Association study finds that tobacco use is actually more prevalent in teen-targeted PG-13 films than in R-rated movies.

THE BULL SHEET 06.03.2K3

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1925 [78] Tony Curtis (Bernard Schwartz), Bronx NY, film actor (“Some Like It Hot”)/Jamie Lee Curtis’ dad  FACTOID: His current wife (#5) Jill Vandenberg is 45 YEARS younger than him.

1956 [47] Billy Wilde, pop singer (The Rembrandts-“I’ll Be There For You [The Friends Theme]”) Do you think they might have asked for more money had they known the show would last 10 years?

1968 [35] Jamie O’Neal (Murphy), Sydney AUS, country singer (”Every Little Thing”, “When I Think About Angels”, “There Is No Arizona”)

1987 [16] Lalaine Dupree, Burbank CA, TV actress (Miranda Isabella Sanchez-“Lizzie McGuire”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY-Saturday is the 9th annual “North By Northeast Festival” of music & film at a number of downtown venues in Toronto. Country-rock artist Steve Earle will deliver the keynote address.
NET: http://www.nxne.com

TODAY is designated “Repeat Day” for some unknown reason lost in time. But it’s a good excuse to discuss things that actually get better the second time around. (Shampooing? Love? Mexican food? Sex?)

TODAY is “National Impersonation Day”. Everybody impersonates somebody, even if it’s just family or friends.

TODAY is “Pull Your Pants Up Day”, a day for hip-hop fans to see if they can keep their pants up for 24 continuous hours and enjoy having 2 free hands for a change.

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
208 BC [2211] 1st ‘tattoo’ is performed

1778 [225] 1st issue of “Montréal Gazette” newspaper

1989 [14] Toronto’s ‘Skydome’ officially opens

1851 [152] NY Knickerbockers don 1st ‘baseball uniforms’, including straw hat, white shirt, and long blue trousers

1948 [55] 1st “Fly-In Drive-In Theater” opens, with parking for 500 cars and 25 planes

1960 [43] 1st ‘meter maids’ (NYC)

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1978 [25] “Guinness Book of World Records” sets record – as most-stolen book from British libraries

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] Christina Aguilera & Justin Timberlake’s “Justified & Stripped” tour kicks off (Phoenix AZ)
[Wed] Old Maid’s Day
[Thurs-Sun] 32nd Nashville Fan Fair
[Thurs] UN World Environment Day
[Sat] Belmont Stakes
[Sun] 2003 Tony Awards
This Week Is . . . Fragrance Week (what’s that smell?) / Fishing Week (ew, what’s that other smell?)
This Month Is . . . Adopt A Shelter Cat Month / Cancer From the Sun Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
Kirsten Dunst & Tobey Maguire won the award for ‘Best Kiss’ at the “MTV Movie Awards” on SATURDAY (airing THURSDAY). In the interest of helping others to achieve such heights we offer these . . .
BS TIPS FOR INCREDIBLE KISSING:
• Make the first kiss count. You can never get it back and if it’s not good, you may not get another chance.
• Tame your tongue. Too much too soon is a major turn-off.
• Smooth your smackers. Chapped and scaly lips are a definite no-no.
• Be impetuous. Kiss for the sake of kissing and worry about what comes next when you get there.
• Go light on the lipstick, especially bright red lipstick and sticky, goopy lip gloss.
• Say no to stubble. No matter how good a kisser you are, sandpaper on her face is not a good feeling.
• Stinky breath is the lethal enemy to any kiss. Think mints.
• Mix it up. Change the intensity, tempo, duration, and each kiss will be as exciting as the first.
Source: BeneFit Cosmetics

BS PATENTED QUICK-PICK TRIVIA:
• Which term refers to 3 straight strikes in bowling?
a. Beaner
b. Turkey [CORRECT]
c. Sombrero

• How much did fitness guru Richard Simmons weigh at his last-notch-on-the-pink-belt chubbiest?
a. 268 lbs [CORRECT]
b. 310 lbs
c. 123 lbs

• Who said “Twenty-five years ago, being crazy meant something. Now everyone’s crazy.”
a. Charles Manson [CORRECT]
b. Ozzy Osbourne
c. Donald Rumsfeld

• Which luxury item does the new $300,000 Mercedes Maybach NOT have?
a. A built-in humidor for cigars.
b. A 20-inch TV monitor.
c. A hot tub that stows away. [CORRECT]

• In the movies, who said, “Dude, you have a bazooka. Stop thinking cop and start thinking PlayStation!”?
a. Laurence Fishburne in “The Matrix”.
b. Antonio Banderas in “Spy Kids”.
c. Vin Diesel in “XXX”. [CORRECT]

• In what year did Major League Baseball outlaw the ol’ spitball?
a. 1907
b. 1920 [CORRECT]
c. 1946

BS INTERVIEW:
British Columbia boat seller French Creek Boat Sales has an unusual item in the used boat lot – a 693-ft WW2 aircraft carrier! “HMS Vengeance” was built in Britain in 1944, later loaned to Australia, sold to Brazil, then decommissioned in 2001. The asking price – $4.5 million. So who’s likely to buy it and what the heck would they use it for? Gambling casino? Hotel?
PHONER: 250-248-0010 (Darryl Henry/Brian Mose, Parksville BC)

BS BLATANT JOKES:
• I’ll tell you how serious this coffee is … the receptionist is using it to remove her nail polish.
• Virginity is like a balloon … one prick and it’s gone.
• When I woke up this morning my wife asked me, “Did you sleep well?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: A recent study shows that kids who help you in the garden are less likely to do THIS.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Refuse to eat veggies at the dinner table.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.