Friday, June 21, 2002 Edition: #2324
Zoinks! It’s The First Day of Summer!
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Hollywood producer Steven Bing is said to be ‘delighted’ those DNA tests have revealed he IS in fact the father of actress Liz Hurley’s baby (it sure took him a long time to get that way!) . . . There’s a rumor afloat that actress Angelina Jolie has MOVED OUT of the Beverly Hills home she shares with Billy Bob Thornton (does she get to keep the vial of blood?) . . . Britney Spears has reportedly bought out Justin Timberlake’s share of their Hollywood hovel and now owns the manse lock, stock and barrel (wow, guess it really IS over) . . . The 30-year manager of the London theater where Madonna is performing in the play “Up For Grabs” has resigned over what he calls her unreasonable demands – a totally redecorated dressing room, personal security guards and the stage raised several feet to keep her away from the audience (her star may be dwindling but she still knows how to be difficult) . . . In an attempt to find some privacy, newlywed superbod Claudia Schiffer has bought an entire mountain on the Mediterranean island of Majorca and plans to build a pair of houses on it (his and hers?) . . . Disney is being sued for trademark infringement for naming a dinosaur ‘Zippo’ in ABC-TV’s animated mini-series “Dinotopia” without the famous lighter-maker’s permission (they’re also being sued by a Vancouver stripper named ‘Bambi’) . . . Based on just one week of box office they’ve already decided to make the movie sequel “Scooby 2″, scheduled for 2004 . . . And — how inventive — actor David Duchovny and actress wife Tea Leoni have named their new baby son — Kydd (he’ll grow up hating them).
TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
Tom Cruise stars in Steven Spielberg’s sci-fi thriller “Minority Report”, set in the future when criminals are caught before they actually commit a crime (with Cruise and Spielberg, it’s another guaranteed blockbuster – seems like there’s one a week this summer!) . . . Miguel A Núñez Jr in the comedy “Juwanna Mann”, about a basketball star who’s booted out of the NBA so he poses as a woman and joins the WNBA . . . Disney’s animated family fare “Lilo & Stitch” is the story of a Hawaiian girl who adopts an unusual pet who turns out to be an extra-terrestrial fugitive.
• Researchers have discovered that fat cells have the ability to communicate with nerve cells outside the brain. (They discuss how you have a lot of nerve eating the way you do.)
• There’s a new device that lets you breath deeply over the phone so a doctor at the other end can analyze your lungs. (I usually just call a 1-900 line if I want some heavy breathing.)
• Scientists say they have found the gene that causes sleeping. (The gene was at my house watching the World Cup.)
WACKY WORLD OF BS:
• California cops have had success closing so-called ‘massage parlors’ and getting hookers off street corners, but now it seems they’re setting up shop in — chiropractic clinics. The state chiropractic board has stripped 11 practitioners of their licenses for involvement in prostitution over the past 2 years, and is investigating at least 20 more. (“I’m just going down to the clinic for a back adjustment, hon’. Be back in a half-hour.”)
• THIS WEEK a ceremonial wedding for two donkeys was held in a village in India in an attempt to appease the Hindu god of rain and end the current drought. They were dressed up like a bride and groom, wed in a temple, then led in a procession that ended with a wedding feast. (Checking the calendar, I see we have 3 scheduled weddings of asses in our family this summer.)
• A gay student is suing her Florida high school for trying to make her wear a dress for a photo in the school yearbook. Robinson High in Tampa requires all female students to wear a scoop-necked, black velvet gown and all male students to wear a white shirt, tie and dark jacket. 17-year-old Nicole Youngblood wanted to wear a jacket and tie. She ended up not appearing at all. (Now there’s an argument starter for you – who was right?)
• And here’s another one – as part of its dress code, the Lee County School Board in Fort Myers FL is banning all body piercing for students other than the ears. (How are they going to enforce it, bring in that thong-checking vice-principal from San Diego?)
• Dumb crime of the week — a pair of Toronto men have pleaded no contest for stealing a print of the new “Star Wars” movie “Attack of the Clones” and — attempting to sell it on eBay. They were caught in a police sting and will be sentenced NEXT MONTH. (Duh! Like no one would notice.)
• THIS WEEK about 30 people were stuck on a ride at a height of 200 feet for more than an hour because of a power failure at the Six Flags over Georgia amusement park in Atlanta. The name of the ride – ‘Acrophobia’. (If the customers didn’t have it before, you can bet they do now!)
SWEATIEST CITIES IN AMERICA:
1. San Antonio TX
2. Dallas TX
3. New Orleans LA
4. Houston TX
5. West Palm Beach FL
6. Orlando FL
7. Memphis TN
8. Tampa FL
9. Phoenix AZ
10. Miami FL
Source: new ranking by deodorant maker Old Spice
NET: Get the ‘Top 50 Sweatiest’ here – http://www.accessatlanta.com/ajc/living/0602/19sweaty.html
WHAT’S A CANADIAN?
According to a new Environics poll of adult Canadians, we value family over good health or personal happiness, love the country for its freedom of choice, adore Pierre Trudeau over other historical figures, and just cannot seem to get enough of Céline Dion. We pick the creation of medicare in the 1960s as the ‘most significant Canadian moment in history’, think the rest of the world see us as ‘peaceful’, and prefer reading in our spare time to having sex — except in the province of Québec. (Note to self – switch vacation plans to Montréal.)
PROTECTING YOUR REP:
If you live your life on your computer it seems only fitting that your computer should help you after you die, right? That’s the idea behind a new computer program called ‘Dead Man’s Switch’. You install it on your PC now, and if it’s not reset on a regular basis, it assumes you are dead. It then sends pre-written e-mails to loved ones and encrypts or deletes possibly embarrassing files. (“My dear brother Ed: I can now tell you what a complete jerk you are . . .”)
BS SHOCKING FACT:
Pope John Paul has made 458 saints, more than all the rest of the popes combined. (Hey, get in line now while he’s still around!)
THE BULL SHEET 6.21.2K2
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1950  Joey Kramer, Bronx NY, rock drummer (Aerosmith-“Jaded”, “I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing”)
1973  Juliette Lewis, LA CA, movie actress (“Enough”, “From Dusk Till Dawn”, “Natural Born Killers”)
1976  Mike Einziger, LA CA, rock guitarist (Incubus-“Wish You Were Here”, “Nice to Know You”)
1982  Prince William (William Arthur Philip Louis Windsor)/nicknamed ‘Wills’, London ENG, 6-ft-2 blond, athletic, and studly son of Prince Charles & Princess Diana considered by many ‘The World’s Most Eligible Bachelor’/2nd-in-line to the British throne after his pop
SATURDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1936  Kris Kristofferson, Brownsville TX, movie actor (“Blade II”, “Planet of the Apes“)/country singer (“Me & Bobby McGee”, “Why Me”)
1941  Ed Bradley, Philadelphia PA, CBS news correspondent (“60 Minutes”, since 1981)
1949  Meryl Streep, Summit NJ, movie actress with 12 Academy Award nominations (Oscars-“Sophie’s Choice”, “Kramer vs Kramer”)
1952  Graham Greene, Six Nations Reserve ON, movie actor (“Red Green: Duct Tape Forever”, “Snow Dogs”, “The Green Mile”, “Dances With Wolves”)
1964  Amy Brenneman, Glastonbury CT, TV actress (Judge Amy Madison Gray-“Judging Amy”)
1970  Steven Page, Scarborough ON, rock singer (Barenaked Ladies-“One Week”, “It’s All Been Done”)/co-hosted 31st Annual Juno Awards in St John’s
1973  Carson Daly, Santa Monica CA, TV host (“Last Call with Carson Daly”)/syndicated radio host (“Carson Daly’s Most Requested”, “Out of the Box”)/MTV host (“Total Request Live”)
1974  Donald Faison, NYC, TV actor (Chris Turk-“Scrubs”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[Luling TX] 49th annual “Watermelon Thump & World Champion Seed-Spitting Contest” begins
TODAY is the “1st Day of Summer” with the Summer Solstice at 9:24am EDT. It’s the “Longest Day of the Year” in the Northern Hemisphere and the 1st day of the Zodiac sign ‘Cancer the Crab’. Down under in the Southern Hemisphere, it’s the “1st Day of Winter”.
TODAY is “National Aboriginal Day” in Canada, established in 1996 by Indian & Northern Affairs Canada as a day to learn more about the Aboriginal cultural heritages of Canada. Scores of events are planned across the country.
TODAY is “Aimless Wandering Day”. (Finally, someone’s taken interest in the story of my life.)
TODAY is “Baby Boomers Recognition Day”, a special day to commemorate the accomplishments of old farts everywhere.
TODAY is the 4th annual “Take Your Dog to Work Day”, sponsored by ‘Pet Sitters International’ to give dog owners the opportunity to invite their ‘best friend’ into participating workplaces. Are there jobs where you SHOULDN’T take your dog to work? Neurosurgery, perhaps? (Fortunately, thanks to your SFX library, you can take your dog to work whether you’re allowed to or not.)
TODAY-Sunday over 100,000 are expected to take in Vancouver’s annual “Dragon Boat Festival”, the largest of its kind outside of Hong Kong.
PHONER: 604-688-2382 ext 224
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1879  1st ‘Five & Dime’ store opened by Frank Woolworth (forerunner of the ‘buck store’)
1948  1st 33 1/3 rpm ‘LP record’ introduced (something to tell your grandchildren about)
1957  Canada’s 1st woman cabinet minister, Ellen Fairclough of Hamilton, is appointed Secretary of State (paving the way for Hamilton’s Sheila Copps, Minister of Mouth)
TODAY’S RECORD . . .
2000  World’s ‘longest bench’, unveiled at flower show in Japan, measures 1,832 ft and seats 900 people (the next day, the world’s largest collection of chewing gum wads is found underneath)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Sun] National Pink Day/Gay Pride Day (June 30 in some cities)
[Mon] Wimbledon Tennis begins
[Mon] St Jean-Baptiste Day (aka ‘Slag the Anglophones Day’)
[Mon Discovery Day (NF)
Tennis Week and Physical Therapy Week (coincidence?)
Perennial Gardening Month (yeah they’re right, it IS never-ending)
BULL’S BITS . . .
It’s officially summer now, but contrary to the popular song lyrics the living is NOT in fact easy ( (and probably your daddy’s not rich and your mama’s not good looking, either.) The following safety tips will help you and your loved ones enjoy this summer without any gratuitous deaths.
THE BS RULES OF SUMMER:
• Do not dive in a wading pool.
• Do not bury yourself up to the neck in sand at low tide.
• On the beach, always hide your keys and wallet by placing them inside your shoes. No thief has ever worked this out.
• Do not play chicken on Jet-skis.
• The most popular and widely praised family on any street should always be the one that has the swimming pool.
• Do not provoke armed mercenaries landing on your beach from amphibious vehicles.
• Do not taunt poisonous sea serpents.
• No matter how important you consider styling on the beach, do not have your eyeballs pierced.
• Do not attempt to repair motorboat propellers while the engine is engaged.
• On picnics, the cooler will always be too small, creating a food versus beer battle. The only prudent solution is to leave the food behind.
• Do not attempt to fly your seaplane through the Dairy Queen drive-thru.
• Do not pee in the pool. Even if it’s yours. Especially if it’s yours.
• The phrase ‘a simple picnic’ is not known. You should take everything you own. If you don’t need to make 3 trips back to the vehicle, you’ re just not trying.
• When getting into the car and the steering wheel is too hot to hold, do not attempt to steer.
• Always choose a date who is attractive not only to you, but also to the mosquitoes.
• Always use SPF 10,000.
BS Q & A:
Q: Do dogs and cats have belly buttons?
A: Yup. All mammals have navels. Your dog’s or cat’s looks more like a scar, but it’s a belly button alright. The mother cat or dog chews off the umbilical cord after birthing and the stump dries up and falls off.
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: In a recent survey, 14% of guys say yup, they’ve done this while in the shower.
Answer to Give Out Monday: Shave their armpits.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Priests do more than lay people.
Tell a colleague in another market about “The Bull Sheet”. We’ll add ONE FREE MONTH to your subscription for each and every new subscriber you refer.