Tuesday, June 18, 2002        Edition: #2321
When The Chips Are Down, The Bull’s Empty!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Pam Anderson’s goofball syndicated action series “VIP” has been cancelled after 4 seasons due in part to financial problems (silicone has gone through the roof!), but she’s already got more work lined up, voicing the bigscreen cartoon feature “Stripperella”, about a crime-fighting topless dancer (Oscar-worthy) . . . Jennifer Lopez has inked a merchandising deal that will put J-Lo greeting cards, calendars and back-to-school items on the market (and why not seat cushions?) . . . According to the new biography “Ozzy Unauthorized” by Sue Crawford, Ozzy Osbourne tried to hang himself from a clothesline at age 14 and was saved in the nick of time by his exasperated father (dammit!) . . . And we quote: “I fart and burp and I don’t care. I never wear skirts because I always sit with my legs wide open.” (Ozzy’s Osbourne’s 17-year-old daughter Kelly in “Teen People”) . . . As a wedding present to his brand new bride Denise Richards, actor Charlie Sheen is having his tattoos removed by laser surgery . . . Michael Jackson has parted with Sony, his record company for 25 years (likely because he can’t sell any anymore) . . . “ScoobyDoo” is one of Hollywood’s few successes in adapting a TV cartoon to the bigscreen — flops include “The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas”, “Josie & The Pussycats” and “The Adventures Of Rocky & Bullwinkle” . . . And “People” magazine’s new list of the ‘Top 50 Celebrity Bachelors’ includes Justin Timberlake, Chris Kattan, Dale Earnhardt Jr, George Clooney & Enrique Iglesias.

TODAY’S DVD & VHS RELEASES:
Sean Penn & Michelle Pfeiffer star in the drama “I Am Sam”, the story of a man with the mental capacity of a 7-year-old who attempts to maintain custody of his daughter . . . Jim Carrey stars in “The Majestic”, about a blacklisted Hollywood writer in the 1950s who loses his memory after a car accident and settles down in a small town where he’s mistaken for a long, lost son . . . Kevin Spacey in the bigscreen version of E Annie Proulx’s best-selling novel, “The Shipping News”, about an emotionally-beaten man who moves his family back to his ancestral roots in Newfoundland (shot in Halifax and around Trinity Bay NF) . . . LL Cool J & Rebecca Romijn-Stamos in the sci-fi thriller “Rollerball”, about a blood-sport of the future in which losers die (a less-than-successful update of the 1975 hit film) . . . Tom Hanks’ son Colin received good reviews for his work in the comedy “Orange County”, about an over-achieving high schooler who has to battle to get into Stanford University after the wrong transcripts are sent in. NOTE: Here’s a sign of things to come – American retailer Circuit City Stores has begun to phase out VHS product in its 600-plus stores, becoming the first mass merchant to discontinue the aging format.

WE NEED MORE Zs:
The National Sleep Foundation says many of us are suffering from a serious sleep deficit while also cutting back on leisure activities in order to spend more time at work. However, scientists are also saying that if you get TOO MUCH sleep, your chances of dying early greatly increase. (What does the National Sleep Foundation do anyway? Can you apply for a sleep grant?)

THE SECRETS OF WOMEN WHO WORK:
Some highlights of a new poll of 5,000 working women –
• 1 in 5 say they would flirt with the boss to boost their job prospects.
• 1 in 10 has had a fling with her boss (12% were promoted, 11% ended up marrying the boss).
• 3 out of 4 have flirted with a colleague (28% have had a sexual relationship).
Source “Top Sante” magazine survey

SMELLS LIKE A BEST-SELLER:
A Los Angeles author is sniffing out new research about a topic many historians turn their noses up at — the history of flatulence. Researcher Jim Dawson has just completed the first comprehensive guide to ‘fartlore’ in a new book called “Who Cut the Cheese: A Cultural History of the Fart”. Some highlights —
• Adolph Hitler once attempted to cure his chronic flatulence by drinking machine gun oil.
• Flatulence was blamed for the deaths of thousands of people in Jerusalem in the 1st century after a Roman soldier let one fly to express his disgust at the Jews. The noxious odor triggered a riot that left 10,000 dead.
• One of the biggest French stage stars of the 1890s was a man using the name ‘Le Petomane’ who could imitate bird chirps, smoke cigarettes and blow out candles — with his butt.

TOO STUPID FOR US TO MAKE UP:
• A Sydney, Australia man committed suicide by shutting himself in his estranged wife’s freezer when she went to visit her sister. He left a note for his 280-lb ex- which read, “Gorge on this, you fat pig!”
• Paranormal researcher Dr James Capers claims an American biologist has already cloned Princess Diana in a covert lab off the coast of China using DNA from her autopsy, and the duplicate Di is scheduled to be born NOVEMBER 30. (Wasn’t this in a ‘Bond’ movie?)
• An article in “Men’s Fitness” magazine says an old Florida law stipulates that it is illegal to have sexual relations with a — porcupine. (How do you have sexy with a porcupine? VERY carefully!)
• Scotland may not be the home of golf after all. A sports historian claims to have found evidence that links golf’s origins with Holland. The basic rules of the game are written in a 16th-century document. He says Scotland’s long-standing 15th-century evidence does not describe golf at all, but a form of — street hockey. (Yeah right, if they bring out wooden golf shoes, I’m quittin’ the game.)
• Bergen Energy in Norway has had over 20 costly break-ins, the latest on SUNDAY, just 2 weeks after the previous one. It’s thought the same group is responsible for all the burglaries, so the company has decided on an alternative to its obviously deficient security system – it’s offering the burglars a 2-month vacation in a southern resort plus spending money! The company figures it will be cheaper than trying to keep them out.

THE BULL SHEET 06.18.2K2

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1942 [60] Sir Paul McCartney, Liverpool ENG, rock billionaire (Beatles-“Let it Be”, Wings-“Uncle Albert/Admiral Halsey”)/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame -1999   NOTE: The new Mrs Mac, Heather Mills, is writing her SECOND autobiography at the ripe old age of 34, this one to be called ”A Single Step” and dealing with her love story with Paul

1942 [60] Roger Ebert, Urbana IL, syndicated TV/newspaper film critic (“Chicago Sun Times”)

1966 [36] Kurt Browning, Caroline AB, pro figure skater (former 4-time world champ, 1st quadruple jump at World Figure Skating Championships [1988], 1996 World Professional champ)

1971 [31] Nathan Morris, Philadelphia PA, pop/R&B singer (Boyz II Men-“I’ll Make Love to You”)

1971 [31] Dominique Simone, Atlanta GA, X-rated actress notable only for the titles of the films she’s appeared in (“Sex Trek 3: The Wrath of Bob”, “The Price Was Right”, “Analyze These”)

1976 [26] Blake Shelton, Ada OK, country singer (“Every Time I Look At You”, “Austin”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “National Splurge Day”, when we’re encouraged to go out and do something indulgent.

TODAY is “International Picnic Day”, a favorite day for ants everywhere!

TODAY, as the World Cup gets into the quarter-final round in Japan and South Korea, the 6th “Robot World Cup” begins in Fukuoka, Japan. Yup, we’re talking robot soccer teams from France, Italy, Sweden, Germany, Portugal, England and elsewhere competing in 20-minute games for the coveted “RoboCup 2002″ title. The robots are able to kick, tackle and make saves just like their human counterparts. (It’s like “BattleBots”, only with a ball.)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1583 [419] 1st ‘life insurance policy’ is issued to one Richard Martin in London ENG (he’s still paying premiums!)

1816 [186] 1st “Thanksgiving Day” celebrated in Upper Canada (later moved to October when people complain, “It’s too darn hot to roast a turkey in June!”)

1878 [124] US Coast Guard 1st organized

1983 [19] 1st American woman in space (Sally Ride-7th Space Shuttle mission)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] World Sauntering Day
[Wed] Juneteenth
[Fri] 1st Day of Summer
[Fri] Canadian Aboriginal Day
[Fri] Baby Boomers Recognition Day
[Fri] Take Your Dog to Work Day
[Mon] Discovery Day (Newfoundland & Labrador) / Fête Nationale or Saint-Jean-Baptiste Day (Québec)
Hire a Student Week
Tennis Week (aka ‘Ow My Elbow Hurts Week’)
National Beef Steak Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
MORE BS QUESTIONS PLAGUING HUMANITY:
• Isn’t an argument just a situation where two people try to get in the last word first?
• If your teenager threatens to run away from home should you try to get it in writing?
• They say marriages are made in heaven. Is this because that’s also where thunder and
lightning are made?
• Why do they always start off the evening news with ‘Good evening’ when all they talk about is bad news?
• Why is it that the people who can’t control their own lives are always the ones who are trying
to control yours?
• Isn’t living with a conscience a lot like driving a car with the brakes on?

WHAT YOUR DRINKING STRAW SAYS ABOUT YOU:
Houston TX consultant Jan Hargrave, who calls herself ‘The Body Language Lady’, claims you can find out a lot about people by the way they use drinking straws. For example –
• The chewer: likes nourishment in the way of words or emotions.
• The twister: vigorous in expression, animated.
• The knot-tier: determined, precise, intellectual.
• The refuser (won’t use a straw): a bit of a maverick.
• The multi-user (more than one straw at a time): Individualist, wants to accomplish tasks quickly, anxious.
• The sharer: carefree, friendly, joyful.
• The actor (plays with the straw while drinking): exudes leadership qualities.
Source: “Kansas City Star”

BS MOVIE STAR QUIZ:
Q: Actor Denzel Washington graduated from Fordham University with a BA in —
a) Drama
b) English
c) Journalism
A: Journalism.

Q: As a teenager, actor Matt Damon earned extra money as a sidewalk —
a) Break-dancer
b) Mime
c) Folk singer
A: Break-dancer.
 
Q: Actor Billy Bob Thornton’s mother earned a living as a —
a) Psychic
b) Moonshiner
c) Evangelist
A: A psychic.

Q: Which star once said, “I think I am a much better actor than I have allowed myself to be”?
a) Steven Seagal
b) Madonna
c) Kevin Spacey
A: Kevin Spacey.

GET YOUR PORN NAME:
The promotional brochure for the upcoming Steven Soderbergh movie, “Full Frontal” starring Julia Roberts, instructs in the art of finding your ‘porn name’. You just take the name of your first pet and add on the first street you ever lived on. Combine the two and you get your porn name.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: 7% of women said they don’t trust their spouse to do this.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Make the bed.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
If today were a fish, I’d throw it back in the river.