Friday, June 7, 2002 Edition: #2314
It’s Your Daily Constitutional Sheet!
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Isn’t it suspicious that ‘mentalist’ Amazing Kreskin predicted UFOs would be visible over Vegas LAST NIGHT at exactly the same time as the Space Shuttle was arriving at the International Space Station — visible directly above the Nevada desert? . . . The “Harry Potter” DVD/video has generated roughly $400 million around-the-world in sales and rentals in its first 3 weeks, believed to be a new record . . . Nick Carter says the upcoming release of his first solo album does NOT mean the Backstreet Boys are breaking up, just that he wanted to try something new (translated: we’ll never see them together again) . . . There are Ozzy action figures, backpacks, trading cards and watches in the works, and here comes another revenue stream – there are plans to collect footage cut from “The Osbournes” TV show due to nudity or language and market it as a special R-rated video (in a couple of years we’ll look back at this phenomenon and wonder, “What the heck were we thinking?”) . . . A book of classic photos of the Sex Pistols has been re-released to celebrate the 25th anniversary of punk rock (looking at these weird photos you can’t help wondering, “What the heck were we thinking?”) . . . And 84-year-old Sir John Leslie, owner of the 17th-century Castle Leslie in Ireland, confirms that he was told ‘vaguely’ that the Paul McCartney wedding will be held there TUESDAY, but it is all ‘dead secret’ (or it least it was, gabby!).
TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
Sandra Bullock, Ellen Burstyn and Ashley Judd star in the mother/daughter drama “Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood”, about a group of old friends who kidnap one of their daughters and bring her home to reveal the struggles in her mother’s life . . . Anthony Hopkins and Chris Rock star in the action comedy “Bad Company”, about a street-wise hustler who is recruited to take his dead twin brother’s place as a CIA agent.
NUTS TO YOU:
A new study in the “New England Journal of Medicine” shows that people with nut allergies can suffer adverse reactions to a kiss from someone who has eaten nuts up to 6 hours previously. In some cases, people had reactions even after their partners had brushed their teeth. A third of the test cases had reactions while dating, leading researchers to recommend that teens and young adults should tell their partners if they have severe food allergies. (Guaranteed to totally chill a romantic moment in about 2 seconds.)
MARRIAGE SECRET:
After a study of hundreds of married couples, psychologist Dr Benjamin Karney claims the key to a successful marriage doesn’t appear to be good communication or honesty — but self-delusion! Satisfied couples tend to remember the past as being worse than it really was, he says, which makes their present situation seem better. Many couples who said their marriages were growing better actually showed more evidence that things were getting worse.
TOPS IN TP:
The supermarket toilet paper aisle is getting as crowded as the cereal aisle. There are dozens of brands of varying qualities, including some with aloe, some that are ‘quilted’, etc. Thank goodness a Website called ‘The Poopie Report’ has dedicated itself to cutting through the TP clutter to find the best and most cost-effective toilet paper. So far, the ‘World’s Most Comprehensive Survey of Toilet Paper Brands’ shows the Quilted Northern brand sitting atop the throne.
NET: http://www.poopreport.com/Consumer/Content/Plys/results.html
ONLY IN CANADA:
• At the Western Premiers Conference in Dawson City YK, Manitoba Premier Gary Doer and BC Premier Gordon Campbell each successfully downed a ‘Sourtoe Cocktail’ — a shot of Yukon Jack whisky containing a pickled but real, frost-bitten human toe. The tradition started in the early ‘70s with the first toe coming from a frost-bitten goldminer’s foot. Nowadays anyone who manages to slurp one gets an official ‘Sourtoe Certificate’. (And you thought biting your toenails was gross.)
• There’s a beer bandit running loose in Newfoundland! The RCMP has issued a warning about a man in the Grand Falls-Windsor area who buys a case of beer, then returns a few minutes later and asks to exchange it because he bought the wrong brand. It’s later discovered that the bottles in the case left behind are filled with water.
BS FROM AROUND-THE-WORLD:
• Archaeologists have found more than 50 fossilized dinosaur eggs in Romania that date back over 70 million years. Researchers hope to use them to find out more about the last dinosaurs which roamed the Earth at that time. (How long before some wacky geneticist tries to clone some of this DNA?)
• New products on display at THIS WEEK’S “Security & Defense Exhibition” in Tel Aviv, Israel include a camera that detects explosives, a robot that x-rays bombs, and a $2000 BULLETPROOF car-seat for babies.
• The government of Italy has begun a project called ‘Chiaro!’ (Clear!) with the goal of making bureaucratic language understandable. Professor Alfredo Fioritto, who heads a task force of legal experts and linguists, admits it’s going to be tough because the government still speaks like it did in the 19th century. Here’s one ‘before and after’ example given at a news conference – The sentence “The aforementioned office for economic treatment will cease the distribution of monies commencing from May 1, 2001.” was simplified to “Our office will stop payments as of May 1.”
• A Norwegian museum is looking for a computer hacker to help break into its own electronic library. Why? The programmer who set up the archive of 1,600 documents unexpectedly DIED — without telling anyone the password. Oops!
BS AMAZING FACTS:
The longest hiccuping attack lasted 65 years. The longest sneezing fit went on for 978 days. And the longest yawning ordeal persisted for 5 weeks!
THE BULL SHEET 06.07.2K2
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1929 [73] John Turner, Richmond ENG, 17th Canadian PM (for 80 days June-September,1984)
1940 [62] Tom Jones, Pontypridd WALES, oldies singer (“It’s Not Unusual”)/underwear collector
1946 [56] Jenny Jones (Janina Stronski), Bethlehem PALESTINE [grew up London ON], TV talk show host (“Jenny Jones”, since 1991)
1952 [50] Liam Neeson, Ballymena N IRE, film actor (“Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace”, “Schindler’s List”) NEXT FILM: “Gangs of New York” with Leo DiCaprio, opening DECEMBER 25
1958 [44] Prince (Prince Rogers Nelson), Minneapolis MN, pop/rock singer (“Purple Rain”)
1975 [27] Allen Iverson, Hampton VA, hotshot NBA player (Philadelphia 76ers)
1976 [26] Jermaine Jackson, Detroit MI, NBA Player (Toronto Raptors)
1981 [21] Anna Kournikova, Moscow RUS, pro tennis player (one of biggest money-makers even though she rarely wins)/dated NHL players Pavel Bure and Sergei Federov/did NOT appear in JUNE issue of “Penthouse” magazine and sued to prove it
SATURDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1925 [77] Barbara Bush, Rye NY, former US First Lady/George’s wife/Dubya’s mommy
1933 [69] Joan Rivers (Molinsky), Brooklyn NY, loudmouth comedian/TV host (awards pre-shows [“Who are you wearing?”])
1957 [45] Scott Adams, Windham NY, comic strip cartoonist (“Dilbert”)
1958 [44] Keenen Ivory Wayans, NYC, movie actor/director (“Scary Movie 1 & 2”) NEXT MOVIE: Directs “Scary Movie 3: Episode I – Lord of the Brooms”, coming later this year
1970 [32] Kelli Williams, LA CA, TV actress (Lindsay Dole Donnell-“The Practice”)
SUNDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1961 [41] Michael J Fox, Edmonton AB, ex-TV actor (Mike Flaherty-“Spin City”) who quit his sitcom and launched the Michael J Fox Foundation for Parkinson’s Research
1963 [39] Johnny Depp, Owensboro KY, film actor (“Blow”, “Chocolat”, “Sleepy Hollow”) NEXT MOVIE: Plays author JM Barrie in the ‘Peter Pan’ story “Neverland”, coming in 2003
1981 [21] Natalie Portman, Jerusalem ISR, film actress (Queen Amidala-“Star Wars: Episode I”, “II” & “III”) who has been limiting acting to “Star Wars” series to attend Harvard University
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Chocolate Ice Cream Day”, celebrating one of the most popular flavors, but not THE most popular flavor. That honor still goes to vanilla, favorite of 29% of us. Chocolate is #2 at 8.9%.
TOMORROW is “Name Your Poison Day”, the origin of which remains a mystery, but we’ll drink to that!
TOMORROW FX cable-TV network features the “World Beer Games”, featuring 16 teams of young men and women from around-the-world competing for the title of ‘World’s Best Beer Nation’ in events like the beer chug, pint curl, boat race, etc.
NET: http://www.worldbeergames.org
TOMORROW is the much delayed heavyweight fight between Mike Tyson and Lennox Lewis which has finally found a home at the 20,000-seat Memphis Pyramid in Memphis TN. Not only is the venue far from a sell-out, the pay-per-view broadcast has attracted far less interest than expected (would you pay $54.95?). Tyson quote: “My aim is to be professional, but to kill him.”
THIS WEEKEND is “Take a Kid Fishing Weekend”, aka ‘Dad, Will You Put the Ooey Gooey Worm on the Hook? Weekend’.
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1975 [27] 1st ‘home VCR’ (Sony’s ‘Betamax’ sells for exorbitant price of $1,295, but records for a maximum of only 1 hour)
1989 [13] 1st MLB game to start outdoors and end indoors (Toronto Skydome roof closes during game)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Sun] Montréal Grand Prix
[Sun] Banff Television Festival begins
[Sun] Children’s Sunday
[Sun] Multi-Cultural American Child Awareness Day
[Tues] Paul McCartney & Heather Mills wedding?
[Thurs-Sun] Nashville Country Music Fan Fair
[Sun June 16] Fathers Day
Small Business Week (what Nortel will soon be celebrating)
International People Skills Month (my people skills are just fine, you freakin’ moron!)
BULL’S BITS . . .
LEAST POPULAR BS BREAKFAST CEREALS:
• Frosted Beaver
• Kellogg’s Fruit ‘n’ Flounder
• Throat-Sized Cheerios
• Poutine Crunch
• Golden Shower Grahams
• Cap’n Flaccid
• Honeycomb-Over
• Ordinary K
• Frosted Mini-Pads
• Kellogg’s Factory Floor Mystery Crunch
• Shredded Wheaton Terrier
• Post Moose-Nuts
BS SFX THEATER:
You read the story line-by-line while a caller or studio guest provides the SFX as best they can. Today’s story is called “The Prize Fight” –
The ring announcer yells out his trademark phrase to get the crowd pumped as the boxing match is about to get underway (SFX). The bell rings to start the first round (SFX). Iron Mike comes bounding out of his corner threatening his opponent (SFX). But Lewis, being British, responds with proper etiquette (SFX). Iron Mike lands a punch (SFX) and another (SFX) and another (SFX) and another (SFX). Unfortunately he’s been pummeling the referee who’s now lying on the mat in agony (SFX). Lewis lands a quick jab to Iron Mike’s eye (SFX) causing him to scream like a girl (SFX). Now Lewis is landing hard body blows to the stomach one after another (SFX). But this just seems to have made Iron Mike hungry and he chomps down on Lewis’ left thigh (SFX) causing him to scream like a girl (SFX). Unfortunately, the ref’s out cold and the crowd boos (SFX). Wait a minute, now a man’s coming out of the seats and crawling through the ropes. The crowd cheers (SFX). He’s carrying a metal folding chair and slams it over the head of Iron Mike (SFX) causing him to cry (SFX). Now he slams it over Lewis’ head (SFX) causing him to cry (SFX). The crowd goes crazy as they realize the new heavyweight champion of the world is — The Rock (SFX)!
BS AD SLOGANS:
We give you the slogan, you tell us the product –
• “Makes hamburgers taste like steakburgers.” [A-1 Steak Sauce]
• “The place for the helpful hardware man.” [Ace Hardware Stores]
• “The San Francisco treat.” [Rice-a-Roni]
• “A diamond is forever.” [De Beers Consolidated Mines]
• “A mind is a terrible thing to waste.” [United Negro College Fund]
• “Betcha can’t eat just one.” [Lay’s Potato Chips]
• “Celebrate the moments of your life.” [General Foods International Coffees]
• “Let your fingers do the walking.” [Yellow Pages]
• “Good to the last drop.” [Maxwell House Coffee]
• “M’m, M’m, Good! [Campbell’s Soup]
• “Nothin’ says lovin’ like somethin’ from the oven.” [Pillsbury]
• “We bring good things to life.” [General Electric]
• “When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.” [Federal Express]
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Adults are 27 times more likely to do this on Monday than on Friday, if they do it at all, of course.
Answer to Give Out Monday: Go to the gym.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.
