Wednesday, June 5, 2002 Edition: #2312
If The Sheet Fits, Buy It!
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
The Baha Men (“Who Let The Dogs Out?”) are signed up to sing the ditty in a TV ad for the stomach remedy ‘Gas-Be-Gone’ (hmm, will it be ‘Who Gets The Farts Out?’) . . . A judge has set a trial date of JULY 2 for that lawsuit filed by “Friends” actress Jennifer Aniston against trashy mags “Celebrity Skin” and “High Society” for running a photo of her sunbathing topless without permission (yet she willingly appeared totally naked on the cover of “People”?) . . . Steven Spielberg says Harrison Ford is up to the task of handling the role of “Indiana Jones” in the upcoming 4th movie in the series, telling “Cinescape” that “Harrison Ford can still kick the [crap] out of most people half his age” (which will be 60 as of JULY 13) . . . It’s been revealed that Queen Elizabeth wore ear plugs to MONDAY night’s “Party in the Palace” Jubilee rock concert (Charles would’ve but they don’t make any big enough) . . . “National Enquirer” is offering a $100,000 reward for the killer of Chandra Levy (yeah, that should solve it real quick when the best investigators in the land have come up with nothing after a year) . . . And the latest speculation on when and where Paul McCartney’s getting married – JUNE 11 at Castle Leslie in Ireland.
NEW JARGON TERMS:
• ‘Dry-Ice Bombs’ — Seems knocking mailboxes off posts with a baseball bat just isn’t good enough anymore. The latest rural prank is to stuff a container full of dry ice in a mailbox. When it expands the container bursts, taking out the mailbox with it. (Yeehaw! We’re havin’ fun now!)
• ‘Cable TV Pirating’ — Devious types have discovered you can use your high-speed cable Internet connection to pilfer TV signals. You just buy a splitter at an electronics store and run an additional line from the one connected to the computer into your TV. Trouble is, you still pay for the Internet connection, and you only end up with the ‘basic’ cable TV menu.
LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE:
Scientists claim women are better liars than men! Researchers at Queen Margaret University College in Edinburgh, Scotland have made that conclusion after finding women are more fluent speakers. Men are almost twice as likely to pause or hesitate when they speak. Researchers say that under the pressure of lying, the pauses increase in length and men have a tendency to fill them with ‘ums’ and ‘ahs’. (Have a ‘Lie Off’ on-the-air and see if this holds up.)
AVERAGE LIFESPAN OF APPLIANCES:
Our automatic coffee maker just died – a month after the 1-year warranty ran out. Makes you wonder, do they do that on purpose? Here’s a review of the average useful life of household appliances –
• 20 years – refrigerator, freezer
• 18 years – electric stove, clothes dryer
• 15 years – room air conditioner
• 13 years – clothes washer
• 12 years – central air, dishwasher
• 10 years – TV, smoke detector, microwave oven, garbage disposal
• 8 years – vacuum cleaner
• 6 years – clock radio, VCR
• 4 years – answering machine, computer
And we now know the lifespan of a Black & Decker VersaBrew automatic drip coffee maker is apparently – 13 months.
(Sources: Association of Home Appliance Manufacturers, “Realty Times”, Sheffield Hallam University’s Centre for Sustainable Consumption)
COINCIDENCE OR CONSPIRACY?
The Internet is abuzz with this little trick – if you fold a new US $20-bill 3 times so that it resembles a paper airplane and you’ll see what looks like the Pentagon and the World Trade Center on fire. Here’s how — first fold the bill in half length-wise so that the White House is on the outside. Hold it with the top half face-up. Fold the right side of the bill under diagonally and flip it up (so the bill is L-shaped but on its side) aligning the folded edge beneath with the flag pole on top of the White House on top, and crease it. Repeat with the left side (creating a point at the bottom, like the point of a paper airplane). You will be looking at what looks like a flat smoldering Pentagon. Flip the folded bill over to see what looks like the fiery twin towers.
WACKY WORLD OF BS:
• Transportation authorities in Australia have put up pictures of giraffes and cheetahs by the side of roads in an attempt to combat driver fatigue. It is hoped the drawings will help to make long trips more interesting. (“Hey, what’s that one…is that a wallaby or a kanga…” SMASH!!!)
• Here we go again! A Website for the so-called ‘Junior Professional Wrestling Association’ founded by a suburban Philadelphia PA priest that featured images of YOUNG WRESTLERS IN BIKINI BRIEFS has been voluntarily shut down after questions were raised about its content and purpose.
• When the NHL Hurricanes first set up shop in Carolina, the fans in Raleigh were so ignorant of the game they booed line changes, thinking players were being taken out of the game for poor play.
• A Nigerian woman, sentenced by a Muslim court to death by stoning for adultery, has been given a reprieve to wean her baby – but only for 2 years.
• A 7-year-old girl and her 5-year-old brother were questioned by Modesto, California police after they were caught flashing wads of money around the schoolyard. They told the cops they only took a few of the $100-bills from the pile stored in grandpa’s van. Now gramps is in the slammer for counterfeiting!
• Swimmers in Weymouth, England are being warned to stay away from a SEXUALLY AGGRESSIVE DOLPHIN that has made its home in the local harbor. The 400-lb male has already attempted to mate with some divers. Apparently when dolphins get excited they try to isolate a swimmer, normally a female. (And you thought that guy in sales who’s all hands was a pain in the butt!)
• A 24-year old Romanian man is expected to make a full recovery after 4 days in hospital undergoing plastic surgery. Seems when he got drunk and abused his horse, the horse turned on him and got revenge by — biting his penis. (Owwwwww!)
THE BULL SHEET 06.05.2K2
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1939  Joe Clark, High River AB, leader of national Progressive Conservative party/youngest-ever Prime Minister at age 39 (1979-80)
1956  Kenny G (Gorelick), Seattle WA, schmaltzy pop saxophonist (“Breathless”) who thankfully has disappeared from the radar screen
1969  Brian McKnight, Buffalo NY, R&B singer (“Anytime”, “Back at One”)
1971  Mark Wahlberg, Dorchester MA, movie actor (“The Perfect Storm”, “Boogie Nights”)/former musician (Marky Mark & the Funky Bunch) NEXT MOVIE: The thriller “The Truth About Charlie”, opening in OCTOBER
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “International Attitude Day”, honoring those who know who they are, what they stand for, and aren’t afraid to assert themselves to maintain their identity (aka ‘Pushy People Day’).
TODAY is “Festival Of Popular Delusions Day”. Here’s a few you can add to —
• Those who work hardest get ahead.
• Big feet are an indication of male size.
• The best things in life are free.
• Dieting is good for you.
TODAY is “World Environment Day”, as declared annually by the United Nations since 1972.
In conjunction with that observance, the so-called ‘National Anxiety Center’ has declared TODAY the 4th annual “Celebrate the Heat Day”, a day to sooth the public fear generated by what they call the ‘huge hoax of global warming’. The Bush administration has just reported to the UN that global warming IS taking place, but the solution is best left to industry on a voluntary basis.
TODAY is “Clean Air Day Canada”, first proclaimed as part of “Canadian Environment Week” by the federal government in 1999. The keys to cleaner air include turning off energy-using equipment when it’s not in use, using public transportation, making our homes more energy efficient, and planting more trees. Environment Canada’s Website has other tips —
THIS WEEK is ”Safe Kids Week 2002″. Safe Kids Canada says over half of pre-teens and teens aged 11-14 don’t consistently wear helmets when they ride bicycles. 70% don’t always use helmets when on in-line skates, and 84% don’t always wear helmets on skateboards and
scooters. More than 500 Canadian kids are hospitalized every year for head injuries from bike crashes alone.
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1907  1st ‘automatic washer & dryer’
1967  1st NHL expansion announced, adding 6 new American teams for 1967-68 season (when things started to go downhill)
1977  1st ‘personal computer’ (Apple II)
1989  1st MLB game in ‘convertible stadium’ (Milwaukee Brewers beat Blue Jays 5-3 at Toronto’s new Skydome that features retractable roof)
1998  1st episode of steamy TV series “Sex and the City”, starring Sarah Jessica Parker
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] Couple Appreciation Day
[Fri] Donut Day
[Sat] Tyson/Lewis heavyweight boxing match (Memphis TN)
[Sat] Name Your Poison Day
[Sun] Children’s Sunday
Step Parents Week
Fresh Fruit & Vegetable Month
Iced Tea Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
THE BS 5 SECOND GAME:
Phone contestant has 5 seconds to list each of the following . . .
• 5 mushy nicknames you call your partner.
• 5 makes of cars.
• 5 plants you might have in your garden.
• 5 kinds of meat.
• 5 things you find in a closet.
BS ‘WHICH CAME FIRST?’
Give your contestant the following pairs and ask them which came first.
• Blue jeans or the zipper? [Levi Strauss & Co introduced the 1st jeans in 1873, 20 years before the zipper.]
• Joe Clark or Tupperware? [Joe Clark was born 63 years ago TODAY. Tupperware didn’t appear until 6 years later in 1945.]
• ‘Superman’ or the public telephone booth? [The first ‘Superman’ comic book was published in 1939. The first phone booth was installed in New Haven CT much earlier — 1880.]
• Weight Watchers or the bikini? [The first bikini was unveiled at a 1946 Paris fashion show. Weight Watchers was founded in 1963 by Jean Nidetch.]
• The roller coaster or the barf bag? [The first roller coaster opened at Coney Island NY in 1884. The ‘air-sickness bag’ became an operational necessity during early airline flights. Legend has it the first was invented after a flight from Moscow to Berlin in stormy weather in the 1920s.]
BS FACT OR CRAP?
One of the following statements is pure BS, but which one?
1. The human body produces about 350 miles of hair in a lifetime.
2. 80% of all body heat escapes from the head.
3. If you burn your fingers, your fingerprint changes pattern. (BS)
BS PHONE STARTER:
“What accessory would you like to have in your vehicle that you currently don’t?” (Deskmate now makes ‘Mini Fridges’ for cars and Coleman offers the ‘Thermoelectric Cooler’. In one poll, many vehicle owners said they’d like a microwave.)
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Despite how much we do it everyday at home, more people in China do this than in North America.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Speak English.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Confession is good for the soul, but bad for the career.
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