Monday, June 03, 2002        Edition: #2310
Our Sheet Don’t Stink!

BS TITILLATING YET TOTALLY TRASHY TABLOID TIDBITS:
• “E! Online” reports that a new study by the Center for Entertainment Industry Data & Research shows that so-called ‘runaway production’ is on the rise. The amount of money spent to produce American films in Canada has grown by 144% over the past 4 years while the amount spent on production in the US has dropped 17%. (Cool!)
• The late Milton Berle was rumored to be the ‘best-endowed’ man in Hollywood, but now that he’s gone who’s the heir apparent? “Sun” claims current contenders for the honor include actors Willem Dafoe and James Woods. (What about Shaq O’Neal? His feet are size 22!)
• According to “National Enquirer”, Heidi Fleiss’ boyfriend is cheating on her — with hookers! A confident tells the tab the former Hollywood Madam’s beau, actor Tom Sizemore, has been going wild with hookers while filming the movie “Dreamcatcher” in BC, ordering up a ho-to-go on the first night of location shooting in Prince George. (This is shocking! Prince George has working girls?)
• Madonna’s papa ain’t preachin’ but he does confirm in “Sunday People” that the Maternal Girl is, in fact, pregnant again. Tony Ciccone is quoted as saying, “I don’t know if Madonna’s child is a boy or a girl yet, we just want the baby to be healthy.”
• Despite the poor box office generated by “Crossroads”, “PeopleNews” says Britney Spears has been signed to star in a “Days of Thunder”-style racing movie. The as-yet-unnamed flick begins shooting in OCTOBER. (Suggested title – “Straight to Video”.)
• “NY Post” says a poll on the most-disliked stars based on their politics ranks Alec Baldwin, Jane Fonda and Barbra Streisand on top. On the other hand, the most admired stars based on their politics are Arnold Schwarzenegger, Oprah Winfrey and Bono. Interestingly, NRA chief Charlton Heston made both lists.
• Retired rockers Kiss are coming out with a line of contraceptives to be sold in music stores. “Buzz” reports that the new ‘Kiss Kondoms’ will feature the band on the packaging in full make-up. (Who’s the target market – grandpas?)
• And here are the week’s weirdest headlines as supplied by “Weekly World News” — “Recent Medical Breakthrough Will Change Gals Into Remote Control Women!”, “Dumb Girl Sues Parents For Making Her Stupid!”, “Rich Wacko Uses Dead Dwarf as Hood Ornament!”, “Scientists Find 160-Million-Year-Old Dinosaur Upchuck!”, “Latest Tinseltown Trend: Celebrity Nose Jobs For Pets!”, and our fave — “Baby Born With Antlers!”.

THE GOLDEN BUCKET OF POPCORN GOES TO:
The oddball “MTV Movie Awards” were handed out SATURDAY and will air this THURSDAY in 165 countries and 18 different languages – after they edit out the really dirty parts. Among the winners –
• Best Movie – “The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Rings”
• Best Male Performance – Will Smith (“Ali”)
• Best Female Performance — Nicole Kidman (“Moulin Rouge”)
• Breakthrough Male Performance – Orlando Bloom (“The Lord of the Rings”)
• Breakthrough Female Performance – Mandy Moore (“A Walk to Remember”)
• Best Comedic Performance — Reese Witherspoon (“Legally Blonde”)
• Favorite Villain – Denzel Washington (“Training Day”)
• Best Fight — Chris Tucker & Jackie Chan (“Rush Hour 2″)
• Best Action Sequence — “Pearl Harbor”
• Best On-Screen Team — Paul Walker & Vin Diesel (”The Fast and the Furious”)
• Best Kiss – Seann William Scott & Jason Biggs in “American Pie 2”

ANIMAL HOUSE:
Last THURSDAY the local Humane Society entered an extremely smelly townhouse in Kanata ON to confiscate some 259 exotic, endangered and domestic animals. Resident Sue Parisien now faces a maximum fine of $5,000 for EACH prohibited animal. An extensive list has been prepared of what was found in the home – it’s truly unbelievable!
NET: http://www.jamshowbiz.com/CNEWSWeirdNews0206/01_pets-sun.html

SOCIAL STUDIES:
• A study of women with breast implants finds that they’re heavier drinkers (more guys sending freebies over to their table?) and have more sex partners (well why the heck do you think they got ’em?).
• Eating too much licorice may turn you blue. Helsinki University reports that patients developed blue or dark green pigmentation after gobbling licorice for prolonged periods of time. (Will sports fans pick up on this? It’s easier than painting your face!)
• Scholars now believe that 90% of all languages will disappear by the middle of the this century. (Hey, “Star Trek” was right — in the future everyone in the universe will speak English!)

SUITING UP FOR SUMMER:
Just 6% of women think they look ‘terrific’ in a bathing suit according to a “Redbook” magazine poll. And furthermore, 68% of women think men should worry more about how they look in swim trunks. (How come the guys who have the balls to wear a skimpy Speedo are the ones who really shouldn’t?)

SKEETER BEATERS DON’T WORK:
There are about 170 species of mosquitoes in North America. Studies show that citronella candles ward off only around half of the mosquitoes lurking about, and 90% of the ‘zaps’ from a ‘bug zapper’ are actually harmless bugs getting fried, not skitters. (Our advice — try napalm.)

BS AMAZING FACTS:
• Did you get a deal over the weekend? As a rule, half the things at a garage sale are underpriced. However, keep in mind that a quarter of the things for sale are probably overpriced.
• The average pair of shoes is good for 1,000 miles. The average pair of bicycle tires is good for 4,000 miles. (So to save money we should wear rubber boots?)

THE BULL SHEET 06.03.2K2

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1925 [77] Tony Curtis (Bernard Schwartz), Bronx NY, film actor (“Some Like It Hot”)/Jamie Lee Curtis’ dad/current wife (#5) Jill Vandenberg is 45 YEARS younger than him

1954 [48] Dan Hill, Toronto ON, moaning CANCON singer (“Sometimes When We Touch”)

1956 [46] Billy Wilde, pop singer (The Rembrandts-“I’ll Be There For You [The Friends Theme]”)

1968 [34] Jamie O’Neal (Murphy), Sydney AUS, country singer (“When I Think About Angels”, “There Is No Arizona”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is day 3 of Queen Elizabeth II’s 4-day celebration of her 50 years on the British throne, her “Golden Jubilee”. Among today’s events –
• She’ll launch a nationwide singalong to The Beatles’ “All You Need is Love”, which will be picked up relay fashion by musicians in 21 locations throughout the UK. African drummers, the cast of “Evita” and the Turkish Beatles Orchestra (huh?) are among those expected to participate. Some 5 MILLION balloons with the lyrics to the song will be handed out.
• Perhaps the highest-profile event is TODAY’S pop music concert for 15,000 invited guests in the gardens of Buckingham Palace featuring Paul McCartney, Mick Jagger, Elton John, Eric Clapton, Rod Stewart, Phil Collins, Stevie Wonder, Aretha Franklin, Ricky Martin, Tom Jones and, yes, even Ozzy Osbourne.
• A parade is planned TODAY in Windsor, and the queen and Prince Philip will travel through London in a gold coach to St Paul’s Cathedral for a service of thanksgiving. Hundreds of street parties are scheduled TODAY and tomorrow which have been declared national holidays.
• A chain of 2,000 beacons and bonfires will be lit around-the-world which will culminate in a fireworks display launched from the roof of Buckingham Palace. Similar beacons were used the last time Britain celebrated a ‘Golden Jubilee’ — for Elizabeth’s great-great-grandmother Queen Victoria way back in 1887.
PHONER: 0011 44 171 930 4832 (Buckingham Palace switchboard)

TODAY is designated “Repeat Day” for some unknown reason lost in time. But it’s a good excuse to discuss things that actually get better the second time around. (Shampooing? Love? Mexican food? Sex?)

TODAY is “International Nursing Assistants Day”, recognizing those devoted souls who suffer from bedpan hands.

JUNE is “Adopt-a-Cat Month”.
BS REASONS TO GET A CAT:
• They don’t slobber like dogs.
• You don’t have to clothe them.
• They keep the carpet thick by leaving behind hair balls.
• Even the worst dinner looks good next to cat food.
• It’s a nice change to have someone ignore you besides your spouse.

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
208 BC [2210] 1st ‘tattoo’ is performed (after Tommy Lee gets drunk at the chariot races)
Q: On what part of her body is a woman most likely to have a tattoo?
A: Her shoulder.
Source: Tattoo Artists Association

1778 [224] 1st issue of “Montréal Gazette” newspaper

1851 [151] NY Knickerbockers don 1st ‘baseball uniforms’, including straw hat, white shirt, and long blue trousers

1948 [54] 1st “Fly-In Drive-In Theater” opens, with parking for 500 cars and 25 planes

1960 [42] 1st ‘meter maids’ (NYC)

1989 [13] Toronto’s ‘Skydome’ officially opens

1999 [03] 1st ‘TV commercial targeted directly at cats” (Whiskas debuts 30-second cat food spot designed to make cats wild for the product through the use of high-pitched sounds, zigzag lines and a ball of yarn, but it doesn’t work – cats can’t read)

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1978 [24] “Guinness Book of World Records” sets record — as most-stolen book from British libraries

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] Old Maid’s Day
[Wed] Festival Of Popular Delusions Day
[Wed] Attitude Day
[Thurs] Couple Appreciation Day
[Thurs-Sun] Superman Week
[Fri] Chocolate Ice Cream Day
[Fri] Donut Day

THIS WEEK IS . . .
National Fragrance Week (what’s that smell?)
Fishing Week (ew, what’s that other smell?)
International Volunteers Week
Step Parents Week
Headache Awareness Week
Small Business Week (many of which used to be big businesses)

BULL’S BITS . . .
UNUSUAL BS PHOBIAS:
• “Hey, this is a nude beach. I ain’t getting in that cold water!” — Shrinkaphobia
• “He’s coming straight for us….with his left turn signal on!” — Oldfartophobia
• “You have to push ‘Start’ to turn the damn computer off?!” — Windowphobia
• “No!! Don’t call the plumber!!!” — Buttcrackaphobia
• “Um, Doctor, why are you putting on that rubber glove?” — Probeophobia
• “You’re busy Saturday? Well, how about next weekend then?” — Rentanotherpornophobia

BS ‘WHAT AM I?’ GAME:
Contestants win prizes that DECREASE in value with each clue given . . .
GAME #1 (SPAM luncheon meat)
• I was created in 1937.
• Over 150 million cans of me are sold annually.
• Some people wear earrings made from my cans.
• I contain a mixture of ham and chopped pork shoulder.
• My name is short for ‘spiced ham’.
(Source: Hormel Foods)

GAME #2 (SLINKY toy)
• I was first advertised on TV in 1962.
• When I’m flat I measure 87 feet long.
• It’s no stretch to say kids like to play with me.
• My name means ‘stealthy, sleek and sinuous’.
• I was invented when a spring in a power-testing meter fell off a marine engineer’s desk and tumbled end over end across the floor.
(Source: Irwin Toys)

BS PHONE STARTER:
“What’s the best turn-down line you’ve ever heard?” How about —
• He said: “Haven’t we met before?” She said: “Yes, I’m the receptionist at the STD clinic.”
• He said: “So, wanna go back to my place?” She said: “Well, I don’t know. Will two people fit under a rock?”
• He said: “So what do you do for a living?” She said: “Female impersonator.”
• He said: “How do you like your eggs in the morning?” She said: “Unfertilized.”

BS AUSTRALIAN [‘STRANE’]/ENGLISH DICTIONARY:
Ask a contestant what the following ‘strane’ words mean —
• ‘Dag’ . . . a funny person, nerd, goof.
• ‘Cobber’ . . . a friend.
• ‘Shark biscuit’ . . . somebody new to surfing.
• ‘Drink with the flies’ . . . to drink alone.
• ‘Liquid laugh’ . . . vomit.
• ‘White pointers’ . . . topless sunbathers.
• ‘Dill’ . . . an idiot.

BS FACT OR CRAP?
One of the following is pure BS, but which one?
1. Before fame, Eminem was a cook.
2. Before fame, Courtney Love was a stripper.
3. Before fame, Paul McCartney was a stable boy. (BS)

BS QUICK-PICK TRIVIA:
Q: You can tell the quality of a door lock by –
a) The size of its hole.
b) The thickness of its key.
c) The rotting corpses trapped inside.
A: The thickness of its key. Locksmiths offer this simple advice — the flatter the key, the more worthless the lock.

Q: You’ve just executed a successful ‘pittypat’. In what activity are you participating?
a) Playing marbles.
b) Skipping stones.
c) Jumping bones.
A: Stone skipping. A ‘pittypat’ is a short skip at the end of a ‘run’.
Source: “Land O’ Useless Facts”

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: 46% of us say we like the one we have and we rarely, if ever, change it.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: The message on our answering machine or voicemail.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
An executive is someone who hires other people to do what he was hired for.