Tuesday, June 26, 2001 Edition: #2085
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
THE 5 TOUGHEST QUESTIONS WOMEN ASK AND THEIR ANSWERS:
1. “What are you thinking?” — The proper answer to this question, of course, is, “I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you.” (Wrong answers include any mention of baseball, football or golf.)
2. “Do you love me?” — The correct answer to this question is, “Yes.” For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, “Yes, dear”. (Do NOT say, “That depends on what you mean by ‘love’.)
3. “Do I look fat?” – The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, “No, of course not” and then quickly leave the room. (Do NOT say, “I’ve seen fatter.”)
4. “Do you think she’s prettier than me?” – The right response is, “No, you are much prettier.” (“Only in the sense that she’s younger and thinner” may cause problems.)
5. “What would you do if I died?” — Correct answer: “Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would hurl myself under the front tires of the first truck that came my way.” (Do NOT ask, “Would it be on a weekend?”)
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TODAY Carroll O’Connor, TV’s ‘Archie Bunker’ from “All in the Family”, will be buried in a private Catholic ceremony in Los Angeles . . . TODAY ‘N Sync release their 4th album, “Celebrity”, the follow-up to “No Strings Attached” that’s said to delve into electronica, hard R&B and even country (geez, nothing’s safe anymore) . . . Disgruntled writer Kenneth Li, whose story about street racing was made into box office topper “The Fast and the Furious”, says “I don’t remember any Chinese gangsters in my story or kids carrying submachine guns, nor any hints of orgies and lesbian sex” (never judge a book by its movie) . . . At $215 million in box office and counting, “Shrek” has an outside shot at surpassing “The Lion King” ($312 million) as the biggest animated movie ever (they’re tied for the fastest climb to $200 million) . . . Mel Gibson has packed on 30 lbs for his role in the Vietnam War story “We Were Soldiers” (so ladies, is he still looking hunky to you at 5’-9″, 200 lbs?).
TODAY’S DVD & VHS RELEASES:
M Night Shyamalan’s follow-up to “The Sixth Sense”, the suspense thriller “Unbreakable”, about a man who learns something extraordinary about himself after a devastating accident, stars Bruce Willis and Samuel L Jackson . . . The original 1989 UK mini-series “Traffik”, inspiration for the hit movie “Traffic”, follows the international heroin drug trade from the hills of northern Pakistan to jet-setting Euro-trash in Germany and England . . . Ben Affleck and Matt Damon play renegade angels in a ‘Special Edition’ DVD of “Dogma”, with a cameo appearance by Alanis Morissette as ‘God’ . . . And fans of “Mr Bean” may be interested in Rowan Atkinson’s other Brit hit comedy series “The Black Adder”, now in a 5-DVD ‘Collector’s Set’.
21ST CENTURY TERMINOLOGY:
• ‘Duvet Day’ — “Wall Street Journal” says this is now a common perk offered by UK dot-com companies. It’s a paid day off to catch up on sleep after working around the clock to meet a deadline.
• ‘Quarterlife Crisis’ – The angst that people in their 20s experience as they make the transition from teenager to adult. (What to do? Should I go to a bar or just stay home and get hammered?)
• ‘Besk’ – A new gizmo developed by British inventor Antony Dixon, the ‘Besk’ is a desk that can be turned into a bed in about a minute. No, it’s not intended for loafers on the job, but as an easy way to turn a home office into a guest bedroom.
BS SHOCKING FACT:
Now that CD burners have pretty much become standard equipment on most new computers it seems like everyone is storing all their information on them, but Tatiana Czeschlik, editor of a German scientific journal, warns — no one has really tested the LIFESPAN of CDs.
THE BULL SHEET 06.26.01
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1955 [46] Gedde Watanabe, Ogden UT, TV actor (male nurse Yosh Takata-“ER”)
1956 [45] Chris Isaak, Stockton CA, TV actor (“The Chris Isaak Show”, shot in Vancouver for Showtime)/movie actor (“That Thing You Do!”, “The Silence of the Lambs”)/pop singer (“Wicked Game”)
1959 [42] Mark McKinney, Ottawa ON, TV comic (“Kids In The Hall”, “SNL”)
1969 [32] Colin Greenwood, Oxford ENG, rock bassist (Radiohead-“Amnesiac”)
1970 [31] Chris O’Donnell, Winnetka IL, movie actor (“Vertical Limit”, “Batman & Robin”)
1970 [31] Sean Hayes, Glen Ellyn IL, TV actor (Jack McFarland-“Will and Grace”)
1974 [27] Derek Jeter, Pequannock NJ, MLB shortstop (NY Yankees)/ladies’ man (Mariah Carey slept here)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “UN International Day Against Drug Abuse & Illicit Trafficking“.
TODAY is “National Chocolate Pudding Day”. (Or, as your 3-year-old knows it, ‘National Wall Mural Supplies Day’.)
TODAY is “National Columnist’s Day”, because even newspaper columnists deserve a day of their own.
ONE YEAR AGO . . .
2000 Scientists complete the first rough map of the human genetic code
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1498 [503] 1st ‘toothbrush’ is invented in China
1976 [25] Toronto’s $63-million ‘CN Tower’ 1st opens to the public, ‘world’s tallest free-standing structure at 553.33 meters featuring world’s highest public observation deck, world’s highest and largest revolving restaurant (and world’s best use of a phallic symbol in a city skyline)
1985 [16] 1st ORGANIST ejected from a baseball game (Wilbur Snapp gets tossed for playing “Three Blind Mice” following a call by umpire Keith O’Connor in a Class A League game at Jack Russell Stadium in Clearwater FL)
TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1981 [20] Likely the greatest-ever use of coupons in a single purchase as Virginia Campbell of Mountain Home, Idaho buys $24,460 worth of groceries in a supermarket and uses clipped coupons and rebates to cover all but 67 cents of the bill!
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] Paul Bunyan Day
[Fri] Camera Day
[Sun] Canada Day (no BS service MONDAY)
Deaf & Blindness Awareness Week
National Iced Tea Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
TRUTH OR BS?
Two of the following are TRUE, the other is BS. But which one?
GAME #1 –
• A lightning bolt is 5 times hotter than the surface of the Sun.
• A lightning bolt is rarely thicker than the width of a pen.
• One lightning bolt hits the Earth every second. (BS. They hit 100 times a second.)
GAME #2 —
• About 5 billion aspirin are taken worldwide each year. (BS. More like 50 billion.)
• More people take aspirin to prevent heart attacks than for headaches.
• Natural aspirin can be found in the white willow tree.
GAME #3 –
• The word ‘lady’ means ‘loaf-kneader’.
• The word ‘mistress’ means ‘missed-opportunity’. (BS)
• The word ‘noon’ originally meant ‘3pm’.
PUZZLING PARTS:
5 body parts that scientists can’t agree on any logical reason why we have them —
• Tonsils.
• Wisdom teeth.
• Appendix.
• Bones once meant for a tail.
• Muscles once used to move our ears.
(Source: “Weird Yet True”)
BS TAG LINE:
Make the most of the best and the least of the worst.
BS BOUNTY HUNTERS!
Refer a friend to BS and get a FREE MONTH of service.
