Monday, June 25, 2001 Edition: #2084
The following program has earned the Canadian Association of Broadcasters ‘Seal of Apology’.
BS WHYZITS:
• Whyzit that when someone says ‘That’s a good question’ you can always be sure that the
question will be a lot better than the answer you’re going to get?
• Whyzit that the human brain starts working the moment you are born and never stops until
you stand up to speak in public?
• Whyzit that people are always nice to you when they know you’re going away?
• Whyzit they don’t have ‘emotionally handicapped’ parking?
• Whyzit you can’t put a ‘stop payment’ on a reality check?
BS TABLOID TRASH:
• “Daily Variety” notes that Kelsey Grammar is now the highest-salaried actor in TV history, re-upping his “Frasier” contract to the tune of $1.6 million an episode in a $75-million deal. (Not to say the show is getting stale, but this works out to about 400 grand per laugh.)
• Meantime, “E! Online” says Drew Carey’s new contract will pay him upwards of $750,000 per episode to keep “The Drew Carey Show” on ABC through at least 2004. (Apparently Drew’s only half as funny as Kelsey.)
• “Mr Showbiz” reports there is now a Chinese knock-off of “Survivor” called “Journey to Shangi-La”. Participants have been given food for 10 days and 10 matches for the 30-day sojourn in the mountains which focuses on ‘group effort’ and ‘competition with nature’ rather than with the other contestants. (The other difference in the Chinese version – if you screw up the rice, they shoot you.)
• UK’s “Sun” says 56-year-old new pop Eric Clapton is set to wed the mother of his new baby girl Julie Rose. Seems ol’ slow hand followed tradition by asking 25-year-old Melia McEnery’s dad Walter for her hand in marriage on “Father’s Day”, then whipped out a 5-carat diamond ring.
• Too bad more stars don’t have this kind of class — “Star” says Paul Newman is asking Hollywood pals to help fund the newest ‘Hole in the Wall Gang Camp’ to serve children with cancer on the West Coast, and has already raised over $7.5 million. It will be the 7th such camp funded by his ‘Newman’s Own’ food business.
• “National Enquirer” claims a celebrity version of “Survivor” is a strong possibility and says several show biz types are seriously contemplating participating, including Ray Romano of “Everybody Loves Raymond”, Kevin James of “King of Queens” and LA Lakers star Kobe Bryant. Other possible celebrity contestants include Howard Stern (like he’d survive one tribal council) and Frank (my bro’s Sly) Stallone (did they not say ‘celebrities’?).
WHO WANTS TO LIVE ON MINIMUM WAGE?
Turkey has a new TV reality show where contestants have to successfully survive a series of situations while living on the country’s minimum wage — 102 million Turkish lira a month or about $80. Grand prize is 25 billion lira ($20,000) and a new car. (If only I were Turkish – I’d have a fleet of vehicles by now!)
OH, TO BE A GERMAN COP:
Law officers in Berlin, Germany are introducing a new test in which they take a swab of sweat from a driver’s armpit, and analyze it for traces of opiates, hashish, cocaine or amphetamines. (In Germany, DUI is a good thing – ‘Dry Underarms Inspected’.)
SOMEONE TO CALL MY LOVER:
The UN’s World Health Organization estimates that, at any given minute of any day, there are approximately 70,000 couples making love somewhere in the world, or 100 million daily. (According to my calculations, the means 840 of you listening are having sex at this moment – well, 841 if you include [afternoon jock].)
ARE WE THERE YET?
Contrary to what you might think, a Harvard University study finds 54% of parents enjoy vacations more when they travel with their children than when they leave the kids at home. (It’s always great fun to see who can sing “It’s a small world” the most times in the back seat — isn’t it?)
BEST IS AT THE BOTTOM:
Researchers at Tufts Human Nutrition Research Center have found that up to 40% of the vitamins in breakfast cereal quickly dissolve when milk is added. So to get full benefit from so-called ‘fortified cereals’, you have to drink the leftover milk. (You know, the pinky-gray goo at the bottom of your Cap’n Crunch.)
LIKE WE DIDN’T KNOW:
According to a new Columbia University psychology study, being popular at work is more likely to get you promoted than having good qualifications. Popular people are considered trustworthy, motivated, serious, decisive and hard-working, while the less-popular are seen as arrogant, conniving and manipulative — especially women. (Forget about training courses. If you want a raise, but a couple rounds after work.)
THE BULL SHEET 06.25.01
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1945 [56] Carly Simon, NYC, oldies singer (“You’re So Vain”, “Anticipation”)
1963 [38] George Michael (Yorgos Kyriatou Panayioutou), Radlett ENG, pop singer (“Faith”, “I Want Your Sex”, “Father Figure”)/public washroom inspector
1966 [35] Dikembe Mutumbo, Kinshasa ZAIRE, 7′-2″ basketball center who suffered a ‘Shaq attack’ in the NBA finals (Philadelphia 76ers)
1972 [29] Carlos Delgado, Aguadilla PR, MLB slugger/1st baseman (Toronto Blue Jays)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[Newfoundland] Discovery Day public holiday
THIS WEEK is “National Camping Week”, so here’s some . . .
BS CAMPING TIPS:
• The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills.
• While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.
• Modern rain suits made of fabrics that “breathe” enable campers to stay dry in a downpour. Rain suits that sneeze, cough, and belch, however, have been proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience.
• A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.
• When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.
Here’s one to plan ahead for — a British sex shop chain, citing that recent survey that suggests 80% of women fake climaxes, is declaring JULY 31 “National Orgasm Day”.
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1630 [371] 1st ‘fork’ introduced to North America (before that, the ‘face in bowl’ method was used)
1667 [334] 1st ‘blood transfusion’ (French physician Jean-Baptiste Denys injects lamb’s blood into a human patient — ewwwww)
1867 [134] 1st ‘barbed wire’ is patented by Lucien Smith (next day, his son comes home with ripped pants)
1925 [76] 1st ‘car telephone’ exhibited (next day, 1st Model T jerks to a screeching halt when it reaches end of phone cord)
1947 [54] 1st ‘tennis shoes’ are designed (next day, Third World workers are recruited to manufacture them in return for 23 cents a year)
1993 [08] Kim Campbell is sworn in as 19th and 1st female PM (she was also the first PM to be a ‘Sunshine Girl’, appearing [fully attired] on page 3 of the “Toronto Sun” June 14, 1993)
TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1990 [11] 120 degrees F recorded in Phoenix AZ (but it’s a DRY heat)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] National Chocolate Pudding Day
[Thurs] Paul Bunyan Day
[Sun] Canada Day
National Camping Week
Fireworks Safety Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
THE BS ‘DOUBLE W’ GAME:
A rapid-fire quiz where each of the 2-word answers begin with the initial ‘W’ . . .
• The chocolate-factory owner played by Gene Wilder in a movie. (‘Willy Wonka’)
• The TV show in which Martin Sheen is President. (“West Wing”)
• Where the Internet’s Web is found. (World Wide)
• Canada’s annual day to encourage people to stop smoking. (‘Weedless Wednesday’)
• The University of Waterloo’s football team. (Waterloo Warriors)
• In Warner cartoons, what ‘Elmer Fudd’ calls ‘Bugs Bunny’. (‘Wascally Wabbit’)
• Michael Jordan’s NBA team. (Washington Wizards)
• What a person sticking a licked finger in your ear gives you. (Wet Willy)
• One of them was fought from 1914 to 1918. (World War)
BS TRIVIA:
Q: ‘Custer’s Last Stand’ at the Battle of the Little Bighorn occurred 125 years ago TODAY (1876). Who was the only US Army survivor?
A: ‘Comanche’ . . . a horse.
(Source: “Fascinating Facts”)
Q: There are 22 flavors of Jell-O. Which is the best seller?
A: According to Kraft Foods, strawberry is the all-time favorite.
Q: Excluding non-copyright works like the “Bible” and the “Koran”, what’s the best-selling book of all time, according to the “Guinness Book of Records”?
A: Ironically, it’s the “Guinness Book of Records”.
BS TAG LINE:
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
