Wednesday, June 20, 2001 Edition: #2081
Warning! The following program may be distracting. Listen only as directed.
THIS WEEK is “Take Your Pet to Work Week”, culminating in “Take Your Dog to Work Day” FRIDAY. Don’t miss this opportunity to create your own in-studio menagerie – whether it’s real or faked!
NET: http://www.petsit.com/tydtwd/default.asp
HOW DOGS AND WOMEN ARE ALIKE (A MALE VIEW):
• Both look stupid in hats.
• Both can eat 5 lbs of chocolate in one sitting.
• Both tend to have ‘hip’ problems.
• Neither understand football.
• Both look good in a fur coat.
• Both are good at pretending that they’re listening to every word you say.
• Neither believe that silence is golden.
• Both constantly want back rubs.
• Neither can balance a chequebook.
• You can never tell what either of them is thinking.
• Both put too much value on kissing.
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT the Tim McGraw/Kenny Chesney summer tour kicks off in Albuquerque NM, picked by 39% of country fans in a “Billboard” magazine poll as ‘the hottest ticket of the summer’ (‘The Horse Thief Tour 2’) . . . Shania Twain has donated her wedding gown, music video costumes and several ensembles she wore to awards shows to the $11-million ‘Shania Twain Centre’ in Timmins ON, set to open June 30th (http://www.shania.net/shaniatwaincentre) . . . NBC will launch a syndicated daytime version of “The Weakest Link” in JANUARY (you ARE overkilling the concept, g’bye!) . . . Martha Stewart has a deal to publish her autobiography, tentatively titled “Martha: Really and Truly” (comes with 42 different dust jackets so you can match it to your decor) . . . NEXT MONTH HBO will test ‘TV on demand’ service allowing subscribers to order up episodes of “The Sopranos” or “Sex and the City” whenever they want ‘em (what we really need is the ability to send back crappy shows like “Two Guys & a Girl” in return for something better).
21ST CENTURY TERMINOLOGY:
• ‘IBD’ — Stands for ‘Imagined Beauty Disorder’, a newly identified self-delusion in which plain people consider themselves unrealistically attractive. A British psychologist says it’s often a problem with children brought up by gushing parents who are always telling them how beautiful they are. (Also movie stars, rock stars, TV stars . . .).
• ‘Air Pocket Stock’ — A stock whose price plunges like a 747 hitting an air pocket, usually due to panicked shareholders rushing to sell after unexpected bad news. (Do the name Nortel ring a bell?)
• ‘SeDS’ — Standing for ‘Sedentary Death Syndrome’, it’s the new term for being fat and out of shape coined by University of Missouri-Columbia professor to reenforce the fact that we’re becoming dangerously inactive. (Cool, something new to call in sick with so you can lay around all day!)
LES BICYCLETTES DE PARIS:
TODAY 120 ‘tandem cycle taxis’ will be introduced to the streets of Paris, France as an alternative form of public transportation. Market research shows two-thirds of Parisians are keen to try the new transport, but there’s one drawback for commuters who are lazy – passengers are expected to help the driver pedal! (And you still have to tip?)
RICHEST FIGHTS IN HISTORY:
Former heavyweight champs Mike Tyson and Lennox Lewis have signed to fight each other TWICE in an unprecedented ‘double-header’ with a total pot of about $170 million. The purse for the first fight, scheduled for DECEMBER 8, will be split 50/50, but the winner of that battle will get the biggest chunk of the 2nd scrap next MAY. It’ll set a prize fight record – and it’s not even for a championship! (The real reason they’ll fight twice is Lewis has 2 ears — so far.)
WEIRD SCIENCE:
• The next big thing to appeal to male vanity is said to be a surgical procedure that implants extra bone in the calves as a means to make men taller. (Thought we already had this – Viagra.)
• The first ‘cloned cat’ is likely to be born THIS YEAR as 3 American biotech teams are currently competing to pull it off first. (As you can tell from a visit to the local pet shelter, there’s a real shortage of cats.)
• British scientists have begun a major study to find out — if luck exists. Bristol University researchers will follow 14,000 children for the next 2 years to discover whether we’re ruled by fate or create our own luck. (They could save time and effort by simply checking out the lost shirt collection at [local casino].)
GOOFY GIZMOS:
• New Zealand company Gray Fur Trading is hoping to strike it rich with ‘nipple warmers’ made from possum fur. They’re designed to slip inside a bra on chilly mornings to avoid embarrassment. (They would have used lamb’s wool, but that was considered too erotic to New Zealanders.)
• As well as a mobile phone, Volkswagen’s new ‘Golf eGeneration’ car features a personal computer and MP3 player as standard equipment. It’s said to be the first production vehicle with an Internet hook-up. (Because driving and yakking on the phone just isn’t distracting enough.)
THE BULL SHEET 06.20.01
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1940 [61] John Mahoney, Manchester ENG, TV actor (Frasier’s dad, Martin Crane-“Frasier”, since 1993)
1942 [59] Brian Wilson, Hawthorne CA, Rock & Roll Hall of Fame singer/songwriter (Beach Boys-“Good Vibrations”, “Surfin’ USA”)
1945 [56] Anne Murray, Springhill NS, classic CanCon singer (“Snowbird”, “You Needed Me”)
1946 [55] Bob Vila, Miami FL, home renovation TV show host (“Home Again with Bob Vila”, ex-“This Old House”)
1949 [52] Dave Thomas, St Catharines ON, comic actor (Doug MacKenzie-“SCTV”) NEXT FILM: The comedy “Rat Race”, opening AUGUST 3
1949 [52] Lionel Richie, Tuskegee AL, oldies singer (“All Night Long”, Commodores-“Easy”)
1952 [49] John Goodman, Afton MO, film actor (“O Brother Where Art Thou?”, “The Flintstones”)/ex-TV actor (“Roseanne”) NEXT FILMS: Provides voices in Disney’s “Monsters Inc” (NOVEMBER) and “The Jungle Book II” (2002)
1953 [48] Cyndi Lauper, Queens NY, ‘80s pop singer (“Time After Time”, “True Colors”, “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun”)
1967 [34] Nicole Kidman, Honolulu HI, movie actress (“Moulin Rouge”, “Eyes Wide Shut”/estranged Mrs Tom Cruise since 1990 (likely because, at 5′-10″, she’s 3 inches taller) NEXT FILM: Plays author Virginia Woolf in “The Hours”, opening DECEMBER
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
It’s tee time on the tundra! The 54th annual “Midnight Classic Golf Tournament” tees off FRIDAY-Sunday in Yellowknife NWT, a unique all-night competition under the midnight sun with unusual hazards like thieving ravens, artificial greens and sand fairways.
PHONER: 867-873-4326 (Yellowknife Golf Club)
ON THIS DAY . . .
1994 [07] OJ Simpson pleads “absolutely 100% not guilty” to the murders of ex-wife Nicole & Ronald Goldman
1996 [05] Canadian astronaut Bob Thirsk lifts off in Space Shuttle carrying Bobby Orr’s Stanley Cup ring, jersey and 6 hockey pucks
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1877 [124] 1st commercial telephone service in Canada (Hamilton ON)
1909 [92] 1st ‘hot air balloon honeymoon’, in Cape Cod MA (“If the airship’s rockin’ . . .”)
1914 [87] ‘Noxema’ skin cream is introduced (named because it ‘knocks eczema’ out)
1987 [14] 1st album by female artist to debut at #1 (Whitney Houston’s “Whitney”)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Today] Last Day of Spring
[Thurs] Baby Boomers Recognition Day
[Sun] National Pink Day/Gay Pride Day
Hire a Student Week
National Rose Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
CASTING COMPROMISES: (Two of the following are true, the other is BS. But which one?)
Game #1 —
• The lead role in the Harrison Ford movie “Air Force One” was intended for Kevin Costner.
• The lead role in the Tom Cruise movie “Mission Impossible” was intended for Keanu Reeves.
(BS)
• The lead role in the Whoopi Goldberg movie “Sister Act” was intended for Bette Midler.
Game #2 –
• Bruce Willis turned down the male lead role in the hit movie “Ghost”.
• Stephen Baldwin turned down the male lead role in the hit movie “Speed”.
• Liam Neeson turned down the male lead role in the hit movie “Batman”.(BS)
BS TAG LINE:
Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repairing.
