Friday, June 8, 2001 Edition: #2073
The Bull Sheet — It’s Bootylicious!
BS THINGS ADULTS LEARN FROM KIDS:
• If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
• A 4-years-old’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
• If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-lb boy wearing ‘Pound Puppy’ underwear and a ‘Superman’ cape.
• Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
• A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000-sq ft house 4 ins deep.
• Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 3-year-old.
• Super Glue is forever.
• Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
• VCR’s will not eject peanut butter & jelly sandwiches.
• Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
• Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
• You probably do not WANT to know what that odor is.
• The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
• It will however make cats dizzy, and cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
“Shrek” will likely bump off “Pearl Harbor” as this weekend’s top movie by expanding to a record 3,715 movie screens TODAY . . . TOMORROW Madonna kicks off her first tour in 8 years, the “Drowned World Tour”, in Barcelona, Spain (she’s actually bringing along a rabbi so she can continue her Kabbalah studies) . . . Thanks to its record 12 Tony Awards, tickets to the Broadway hit “The Producers” are now on sale through Christmas — of NEXT YEAR . . . LA Laker Shaquille O’Neal is getting set to record another CD (just a warning) . . . Bob Barker has reupped to host daytime TV’s “The Price Is Right” for 5 more years – when he’ll be 82-YEARS-OLD . . . And buzz is J-Lo‘s backup dancer boytoy Cris Judd proposed at an LA barbecue last weekend and they’ll announce the wedding news when they pick up her engagement ring engraved with the initials ‘JCJ’, for ‘Jennifer Cris Judd’ (or is it ‘Jumbo Can Jen’?).
TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
Ivan Reitman (“Ghostbusters”) directs David Duchovny and Julianne Moore in a battle against rapidly evolving aliens in the comedy “Evolution” . . . CIA agent John Travolta masterminds the theft of billions in government cash in the thriller “Swordfish”, co-starring Halle Berry who’s now denying she got a half-million-dollar bonus to bare her breasts, saying “I would sell these
babies for way more money than that” (translated: apparently she did it for free) . . . Jennifer Jason Leigh and Alan Cumming wrote, directed and star in the ensemble drama “The Anniversary Party”, about a Hollywood marriage on the skids (Gwyneth Paltrow and Kevin Kline co-star).
SELF-SERVING SURVEY:
Theater popcorn eaters are 3 times more likely to cry during movies and also 3 times more likely to feel romantic, according to a new, and we’re sure totally unbiased, poll by Screenvisions Cinema Promotions. It’s likely just a coincidence that one of the company’s clients is Wise Foods, a leading snack-maker whose products include – popcorn. (This just in: people without popcorn breath are 3 times more likely to get laid.)
WACKY NEW INVENTIONS:
• Kellogg’s is test-marketing a new cereal they say features ‘the element of surprise’. Named after the “Powerpuff Girls” cartoon, it’s a combination of rice and candy that sizzles and pops in your mouth like Pop Rocks. (And we’re guessing is only nutritional if you also eat the box.)
• In order to reduce greenhouse gas emissions, Australian scientists are feverishly working to develop the first ‘anti-farting vaccine’ for sheep and cattle. (Considered much more efficient than the previous method – standing behind livestock with a cigarette lighter.)
• University of Texas scientist Galen Kaufman has created what he calls ‘FizzyFruit’, a process that adds carbonation to any fruit that contains over 80% water. The process will ‘fizzify’ pears, strawberries, grapes, and also some vegetables. It’s now being perfected for the consumer market. (You can achieve the same effect by leaving your mango in a cupboard for 4 months.)
THE BULL SHEET 06.08.01
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1925 [76] Barbara Bush, Rye NY, former US First Lady/George’s wife/Dubya’s mommy (bet the Bush girls throw a party!)
1933 [68] Joan Rivers (Molinsky), Brooklyn NY, loudmouth comedian/TV host (awards pre-shows [“Who are you wearing?”])
1957 [44] Scott Adams, Windham NY, comic strip cartoonist (“Dilbert”)
1958 [43] Keenen Ivory Wayans, NYC, movie actor/director (“Scary Movie”) NEXT FILM: “Scary Movie 2″, opening JULY 4
1966 [35] Julianna Margulies, Spring Valley NY, movie actress (“The Newton Boys”)/ex-TV actress (Nurse Carol Hathaway [1994-2000]-“ER”)
1967 [34] Dan Futterman, Silver Spring MD, TV actor (Vincent Gray-“Judging Amy”)
1970 [31] Kelli Williams, LA CA, TV actress (Lindsay Dole Donnell-“The Practice”)
SATURDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1961 [40] Michael J Fox, Edmonton AB, ex-TV actor (Mike Flaherty-“Spin City”) who quit the hit sitcom and launched the Michael J Fox Foundation for Parkinson’s Research UPCOMING MOVIES: Did voicework for this summer’s animated Disney epic “Atlantis: The Lost Empire” and will again voice ‘Stuart Little’ in “Stuart Little 2″ coming NEXT YEAR
1963 [38] Johnny Depp, Owensboro KY, film actor (“Blow”, “Chocolat”, “Sleepy Hollow”)
1981 [20] Natalie Portman, Jerusalem ISR, film actress (Queen Amidala-“Star Wars: Episode I”, “II” & “III”)/limiting her acting to “Star Wars” series so she can attend Harvard University
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Name Your Poison Day”, the origin of which remains a mystery, but we’ll drink to that!
THIS WEEKEND is “Take a Kid Fishing Weekend”, aka ‘Dad, Will You Put the Ooey Gooey Worm on the Hook? Weekend’.
ON THIS DAY . . .
1995 [06] Mike Harris elected Ontario premier (provincial day of mourning)
1998 [03] Actor Charlton Heston becomes National Rifle Association president (just signed on for another term)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1824 [177] 1st practical ‘washing machine’ developed by Noah Cushing of Québec
1869 [132] 1st ‘vacuum cleaner’ patented by JW McGaffey of Chicago
1896 [105] 1st stolen car is reported
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
2000 [01] Dallas Stars and New Jersey Devils play longest scoreless NHL game in Stanley Cup finals history as Game 5 lasts 106 minutes, 21 seconds before finally ending with a goal by Mike Modano that allows Stars to play Game 6 in Dallas (they lose series anyway)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Sun] Children’s Sunday
[Sun] Montréal Grand Prix
[Sun] Banff Television Festival begins
Small Business Week (what Nortel will soon be celebrating)
International People Skills Month (my people skills are just fine, asshole!)
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS PHONE STARTER:
“How old were you when you received your first ‘memorable’ kiss?” (According to a new Zogby poll, it was between the ages of 15-17 for most people [38%], while 32% say it happened when they were 12-14. [Unfortunately, for 5% their first really meaningful kiss occurred in prison. Most guys have a different definition of ‘memorable’ depending on what was kissed. My first memorable kiss was followed quickly by my first memorable cold sore.])
BS TRIVIA:
Q: Which will be the world’s 3 largest cities in 2010?
A: According to the UN’s new report “The State of the World’s Cities 2001″, the top 3 will be
Tokyo JAPAN, Mumbai [Bombay] INDIA, and Lagos NIGERIA.
Q: Which costs more – a brand new 2001 Lamborghini Diablo Roadster or a used Prime Minister?
A: The Lamborghini‘s MSRP is $287,500, making it the world’s most expensive sports car. Thanks to the parliamentary pay hike, the PM’s pension is rising 82% to $175,150 — but that’s PER YEAR!
Q: You are asked to pick from a ‘Hot Foot’, Bloodshot Eyeballs’ or ‘Stinky Feet’. What are you being offered?
A: Candy. Those are just some of the new products unveiled at THIS WEEK’S “Candy Expo” in Chicago. There’s also a plastic cow that poops brown jelly beans, or if that’s not gross enough for you, there’s jelly beans that are sardine-flavored!
BS TAG LINE:
The one thing we all have in common is we’re all different.
