Thursday, June 7, 2001 Edition: #2072
Several Broadway shows are closing THIS WEEK after being shut out at the “Tony Awards” over the weekend. “Bells Are Ringing”, “A Class Act”, and “Jane Eyre” are all going belly up.
OTHER UNPOPULAR BROADWAY SHOWS:
• “Guys and Inflatable Dolls”
• “Annie Get Your Application, 5-Day Waiting Period, Clearance Check, Then Your Gun”
• “Phantom of the Oprah”
• “Nitty Gritty Gang Bang”
• “Fiddler On The Phone”
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT comedian Jimmy Fallon & actress Kirsten Dunst co-host the pre-taped 10th annual “MTV Movie Awards” (some of the more unusual – ‘Best Kiss’ [Julia Stiles & Sean Patrick Thomas-“Save the Last Dance”], “Best Line From a Movie” [“Are you a pothead, Focker?”-Robert De Niro in “Meet the Parents”], and ‘Best Dressed’ [Jennifer Lopez in “The Cell”]) . . . Stevie Wonder may undergo an experimental eye operation at John Hopkins University to restore his sight (the surgery was successful for one patient, but after watching a few minutes of “Ally McBeal” he asked to be blinded again) . . . Buzz is new owner AOL Time Warner is beginning to think that CNN’s problems are unfixable and may sell off the news channel to CBS (so we can watch “60 Minutes III” and “IV” and) . . . And word is Jennifer Lopez may have saved boyfriend Cris Judd’s biscuit when he had a choking fit in an LA restaurant recently by quickly leaping to her feet and giving him the ol’ Heimlich Maneuver.
MOVIES GETTIN’ MADE:
Japanese film director Nagisa Oshima is making a movie about 19th-Century gay Samurai warriors (instead of battling over land, they fight when two of them show up in the same outfit) . . . Fox is reportedly developing a bigscreen version of its Emmy-winning hit sitcom “Malcolm
in the Middle“ (has there ever been a good movie based on a TV sitcom?) . . . “Shrek 2″ is already in the works, now that the original has grossed close to $150 million (you can bet Mike Myers & Cameron Diaz will demand a big chunk of change to voice the sequel).
ACTUAL MEMO FROM THE INTERNATIONAL SKATING UNION:
“Following many complaints about the choice of lifts and movements in Pairs Skating and Ice Dancing, there is serious concern about the display to the television public and audiences present of undignified poses/positions. These are being performed mainly by the ladies: for example, sustained upside down splits, and spread eagles while leaning backwards low to the ice. Henceforth, referees and judges are advised to take a deduction of 0.1 from the second mark for each movement they consider to be ‘undignified’. Members are asked to advise their coaches, skaters, referees and judges that such deductions will be applied to all programs next
season.” (Well, kiss your ratings goodbye.)
• Jackie Bibby of Ft Worth TX says he’ll soon attempt to break his world record of 107 snakes in a sleeping bag, but only by one or two because last time they were up to his armpits and there isn’t room to fit many more. (The previous record for ‘snakes in a sleeping bag’ was set last time Anna Nicole Smith passed out in a bar.)
• 27-year-old Sam Walters of Los Angeles is about halfway to claiming $75,000 in the “MaxLife Car Lover’s Challenge”. To win the loot, he has to stay in his car for 53 days while traveling to 40 different cities. (Sounds like our family vacation last summer.)
WEIRD WORLD OF BS:
• Three young Colombian women have been charged with preying on men by smearing their breasts with a powerful drug, then luring victims into taking a lick before making off with their wallets and cars. (It’s the old knock-’em-out-with-the-knockers trick.)
• Your worst wedding nightmare could never match this — an engaged couple on the Greek island of Crete were celebrating at separate parties the night before their wedding. When the bride’s friends asked to go see the wedding gown at the couple’s home, they discovered the groom WEARING IT . . . while in the passionate embrace of the best man. The bride’s being treated for a nervous breakdown. And oh, the wedding has been canceled
• An ancient cave in Derbyshire ENG is getting back its original name a century after prudish Victorians changed it to ‘Peak Cavern’. Seems when rainwater in the cave’s rear chamber recedes, it creates a vacuum that sucks in air making a sound like, well . . . a fart. Thus the ancient and colorful name — ‘The Devil’s Arse’.
• Drug addicts in India are eating SHOE POLISH SANDWICHES to get high. The black polish, which contains solvents, can be addictive. Users say the taste is awful, but it gives a good high. (I’m starting to get an idea of where all those ‘Monkey Man’ stories came from.)
THE BULL SHEET 06.07.01
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1929  John Turner, Richmond ENG, 17th Canadian PM (for 80 days June-September,1984)
1940  Tom Jones, Pontypridd WALES, pop singer (“It’s Not Unusual”)/underwear collector
1946  Jenny Jones (Janina Stronski), Jerusalem ISR [grew up London ON], TV talk show host (“Jenny Jones”, since 1994)
1952  Liam Neeson, Ballymena N IRE, film actor (“The Phantom Menace”, “Schindler’s List”) NEXT FILMS: “K-19: The Widowmaker” with Harrison Ford, “Gangs of New York” with Leo DiCaprio
1954  Lui Passaglia, Vancouver BC, recently retired CFL kicker after hoofing for BC Lions since 1976 (2000 Grey Cup)
1958  Prince (Prince Rogers Nelson), Minneapolis MN, pop/rock singer (“Purple Rain”) NOTE: He’s celebrating with another open house at his Paisley Park Studios all NEXT WEEK
1975  Allen Iverson, Hampton VA, NBA MVP (Philadelphia 76ers) now in NBA finals vs LA Lakers
1981  Anna Kournikova, Moscow RUS, pro tennis player (one of biggest money-makers even though she rarely wins)/dated NHL players Pavel Bure and Sergei Federov
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[Ottawa] Final vote on controversial Parliamentary pay hike in House of Commons
[Toronto] 7th Annual “North By Northeast Music Festival & Conference” begins (400 artists in 27 downtown venues through Saturday)
[Winnipeg] International Children’s Festival begins
To celebrate “National Bottom Week”, Liverpool ENG station Radio City 96.7 has set the record for ‘Highest Moon in the World’ as 50 employees bared their butts 440 feet above the ground. (They have a real crack staff.)
TODAY is “Chocolate Ice Cream Day”, celebrating one of the most popular flavors, but not THE most popular flavor. That honor still goes to vanilla, favorite of 29% of us. Chocolate is #2 at 8.9%.
ONE YEAR AGO . . .
2000 US federal judge orders Microsoft to split into 2 companies, the biggest corporate breakup since AT&T (still in appeals)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1975  1st ‘home VCR’ (Sony’s ‘Betamax’ sells for exorbitant price of $995)
1989  1st MLB game to start outdoors and end indoors (Toronto Skydome roof closes during game)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[June 17] Father’s Day
[June 21] 1st Day of Summer
National Fishing Week
National Fresh Fruit & Vegetable Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS PHONE STARTER:
Even though it’s been a whole generation since Canada officially converted to the metric system, what everyday things are still measured the old fashioned way? Here’s a few ideas . . .
• Baseball home runs (right field wall at Skydome is 375 FEET)
• Lumber still comes in 8-FOOTERS and 16-FOOTERS. And what else would you call a building stud than a 2 by 4?
• A bar shot is still 1½ OUNCES (not 42.6 ml)
• A McDonald’s quarter-pounder is still a quarter of a POUND (not 113.4g).
BS CYNIC’S DICTIONARY:
• CONNOISSEUR: Someone who attains an obsessive knowledge of wines, audio equipment, cats or French cheeses in order to confer a sense of inadequacy on those who would simply enjoy them.
• CONSULTANT: A jobless person who shows people how to work.
• GENETIC ENGINEERING: Tampering with chromosomes so that science might develop a new miracle cure or a rabbit that plays the banjo.
• ORGASM: The punch line some women just don’t get, generally because their mates tend to rush through the joke. Other women pretend to get it.
• REVOLUTIONARY: An oppressed person waiting for the opportunity to become an oppressor.
• VIRGIN: A young innocent who in former times was sacrificed to the gods but who now merely lives in disgrace.
BS TAG LINE:
Too busy to laugh? Then you’re too busy.
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