Monday, June 4, 2001 Edition: #2069
I think I’m suffering from PMS — Pitiful Monday Syndrome
MORE BS QUESTIONS PLAGUING HUMANITY:
• How does shampoo ‘self-adjust’? In the past, did you have to be adjust it manually?
• How many times do you use a disposable razor?
• If something has a ‘lifetime guarantee’, will it stop working when you die?
• What happens if you get scared half to death — TWICE?
• Why is that the people who look the worst in shorts are the ones who take up jogging?
• Are ‘two heads better than one’ if they’re both stupid?
• If you are a ‘complete pessimist’ does that mean you are positively negative?
BS TABLOID TRASH:
• Vancouver homeowner Peter Ashby is suing Courtney Love for nonpayment of $40,000 in rent. “E! Online” reports she agreed to rent the house for 6 weeks while shooting the movie “24 Hours”, but left after one day (well that’d be ‘24 Hours’) and put a stop-payment on her cheques. (You know, if you’re dumb enough to rent your house to Courtney Love and it’s still standing, you should be thankful.)
• First they were caught with cannabis, now UK “Sun” says there’s another blow to S Club 7’s squeaky clean image — they wreck hotel rooms. Not the real rock ‘n’ roll way of trashing rooms though — they apparently broke a bed while jumping on it.
• “Globe” reports Cher’s new mouthful of 10 shiny porcelain teeth cost a whopping 30 grand! Seems the queen of plastic surgery wanted her smile to be younger and sexier. (Like her men.)
• According to “National Enquirer, Jim Carrey has flipped for his latest leading lady again, just as he did with previous co-stars Renee Zellweger (“Me, Myself & Irene”) and Lauren Holly (“Dumb & Dumber”). This time around it’s pretty blonde Laurie Holden, a Lauren Holly look-alike, who’s his co-star in the upcoming movie “The Majestic”. (He hasn’t proposed through his butt, yet.)
• “Mr Showbiz” notes “LA Confidential” and “Wonder Boys” director Curtis Hanson will make a fictional movie about a hoodlum hip-hopper which will star legally-challenged rapper Eminem. (Who said ‘fictional’?)
• And what do you suppose these two would be chatting about? “Star” claims none other than Eminem and Mariah Carey were spotted out having late night drinks together in New York’s Tribeca Grand Hotel before taking off to her place. Mariah’s rep says the two are definitely NOT an item. (So get ready for a duet of hardcore rap and high-pitched screeching.)
• “Enquirer” reveals that do-gooder Dolly Parton spends about $100,000 a year buying books for newborns in her home county. Each child continues to get several free books a year until they enter Grade 1. (Now you have 3 reasons to love Dolly.)
• It pays to own your own magazine – “People.com” reports JULY’S issue of Rosie O’Donnell’s magazine “Rosie” will feature a cover shot of — her. (And remember, for every magazine purchased, Rosie will adopt a new child.)
• And “E! Online” says Jerry Lewis, known for raising millions with the Muscular Dystrophy Telethons, has apologized for referring to the wheelchair-bound as ‘cripples’ and saying people donate ‘out of pity’. (We apologize for calling Mr Lewis a big-mouth moron.)
BORIS YELTSIN’S THE TOUR GUIDE:
A museum celebrating Russia’s love affair with vodka is due to open TODAY in St Petersburg. It’s the first of its kind in the country, despite the fact that Russia is one of the world’s top consumers of alcohol, with 80% of men imbibing. There are plans to organize theme evenings for children to educate them about the history of drinking in Russia. (Oh, I think they probably get quite a lesson at home.)
A LEG UP ON ADVERTISING:
A new British ad campaign will use posters scented with dog urine to attract pooches and in turn their owners. The UK version of TV channel ‘Animal Planet’ is using the innovative ploy to publicize its ‘Pet Awards’ project. The scented posters will be placed on lamp posts at dog’s-eye level, with a second ad at owners’ height giving info on how to nominate their pets for the awards. The campaign will be targeted in dog-walking ‘hot spots’. (Like you need a scented ad to attract dogs to a lamp post.)
TAILORED GENES:
According to an official government report, China has become a leader in gene-splicing, having developed 47 transgenic plant species, cloning goats and transplanting genes into pigs, rabbits, sheep and cows. The report says the rate of success rate is 10 to 20 times higher than ‘Dolly’ the sheep. China has also apparently bred pigs, rabbits and sheep for growth-hormone transfer. (Next week, China introduces to the world the ‘Pandaroo’.)
BS SHOCKING FACT:
8.6 million people are now in jail worldwide, a quarter of them in the USA. (20% with the prison nickname ‘Shirley’.)
THE BULL SHEET 06.04.01
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1971 [30] Noah Wyle, Hollywood CA, TV actor (Dr John Carter-“ER”) who’s just signed a long-term contract extension to remain on the show NOTE: Will star with Jennifer Lopez in the thriller “Enough” coming out NEXT YEAR
1975 [26] Angelina Jolie, LA CA, flaky film actress (“Gone in 60 Seconds”, Oscar-“Girl, Interrupted”)/daughter of Academy Award-winning actor Jon Voight/Mrs Billy Bob Thornton/tattoos include dragon, letter ‘H’, Japanese symbol for death, two American Indian symbols, and a large black cross NEXT FILM: Plays Lara Croft in “Tomb Raider” opening JUNE 15
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY in St Ives, England is the annual “Dicing For Bibles”, a ‘Whitmonday’ tradition since 1675 in which children throw them bones to win themselves a copy of the good book. (In recent years they’ve also added ‘Poker for Purgatory’, ‘Slots for Salvation’ and ‘Heaven or Craps’.)
TODAY is “St Quirinus’ Day”, the patron saint against earaches, gout, and hemorrhoids. (He was a real pain in the ass.)
TODAY is “National Attitude Day”, honoring those who know who they are, what they stand for, and aren’t afraid to assert themselves to maintain their identity (aka ‘Pushy Jerks Day’).
TODAY is “Old Maid’s Day”, a truly out-dated observance initiated back in 1948 for unmarried women over age 35. Nowadays 35 is when a woman begins thinking about having kids (and when a man begins thinking about DATING them).
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1070 [931] 1st ‘Roquefort cheese’ made from ewes milk and ripened in a cave (the only way to get that distinctive damp goat-hair flavor)
1838 [163] 1st ‘baseball game’ is played in Beachville ON, according to “Sporting Life” magazine (contrary to that Abner Doubleday fable Americans buy into)
1937 [64] 1st ‘shopping cart’, invented by Oklahoma’s Sylvian Goldman (next day, 27 of them are found abandoned behind his apartment building)
TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1988 [13] World record for ‘hackey-sack’ (foot bag) set at 48,825 consecutive kicks
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] UN World Environment Day
[Tues] Festival Of Popular Delusions Day
Recycling Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
QUOTES FROM THE PERFECT MAN:
• “Here, honey, let’s read the instructions together.”
• “After I wash the dishes, let’s cuddle, OK?”
• “If you’re looking for me later, I’ll be over there looking at the home decorating magazines.”
• “Do you want me to pick you up some tampons while I’m out?”
• “Her breasts are just way too big.”
• “We haven’t been to the mall in ages. Let’s go shopping so I can hold your purse!”
• “I’m really sick, but fear not, I can fend for myself.”
• “Here’s the remote, honey. Find something heartwarming.”
• “If the guys call and want me to go to that new strip club with them, tell them I’m busy. I really want to get the living room painted tonight.”
• “Sometimes I just want to be held.”
BS INTERVIEW:
Experimental psychologist Pam Dalton of the Monell Chemical Senses Center is part of a team
striving to develop the next-generation – stink bomb. Nope, not for pranksters, but for use in crowd control and non-lethal warfare. Ask about the history of military uses of stink bombs and what’s used to get that dis-STINK-tive aroma.
PHONER: 215-898-6666 (Philadelphia PA)
BS TRIVIA:
Q: Which famous Canadian lives in a house originally given the Welsh name ‘Gorphwysfa’, meaning ‘abode of peace’?
A: That was the original name of 24 Sussex Drive in Ottawa, so the answer is Jean Chrétien.
(Source: “Toronto Star”)
Q: The average North American does this in the musical key of F Major. What is it – snore, blow the car horn or break wind?
A: For some unknown reason, the majority of North American autos feature a horn that beeps in the key of F Major.
(Source: “Amazing Facts”)
BS TAG LINE:
If at first you don’t succeed . . . you’ll get lots of advice.
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