Friday, June 1, 2001 Edition: #2068
JUNE is the month of weddings, so here’s a BS look at . . .
WORST THINGS TO SAY TO YOUR FUTURE DAUGHTER-IN-LAW:
• “Just imagine, in 20 years he’ll look just like me!”
• “Maybe you can get him to brush his teeth every day.”
• “You look a little like the last girl he was engaged to.”
• “I like my eggs over-easy.”
• “Can I borrow $100?”
And here’s some BS . . .
INDICATIONS YOUR FIANCEE IS ABOUT TO DUMP YOU:
• As a topic of conversation, your mother’s beard is no longer off-limits.
• Constant complaining that wedding date conflicts with Stanley Cup final.
• Can’t seem to bring herself to say ‘wedding’ without throwing in ‘schmedding’.
• Engagement ring now being used as nose ring.
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TOMORROW the 10th annual “MTV Movie Awards” will be will be handed out at the Shrine
Auditorium in LA (not televised until next THURSDAY), famous for oddball categories like ‘Best On Screen Team’, ‘Best Kiss’ and ‘Best Villain’ . . . SUNDAY Matthew Broderick and Nathan Lane, co-stars of the smash Broadway musical “The Producers’, host the “2001 Tony Awards” (“The Producers” has a record 15 nominations) . . . Ellen DeGeneres ex- Anne Heche is officially engaged to her cameraman boyfriend, Coley Laffoon (we wonder — who’ll wear the wedding gown?) . . . And Disney is trying to persuade “Pearl Harbor” director Jerry Bruckheimer to take on another historical epic in hopes of cashing in again – the story of the siege of The Alamo in 1836 (“Pearl Harbor” runs a boring 3 hours, longer than the actual attack — so imagine what this verbose guy will do with a 2-week siege!).
TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
Nicole Kidman and Ewan McGregor star in the musical “Moulin Rouge”, set in a garish Paris nightclub in 1900 (like her or not, you gotta admit she’s been a real trouper promoting this film in the middle of her marriage mess) . . . Martin Lawrence and Danny DeVito play a thief and a tycoon in a comic tug-of-war over a good-luck ring in “What’s the Worst That Could Happen?” . . . An animal-organ transplant turns file clerk Rob Schneider into a supercop, but leaves him battling new basic instincts in the comedy “The Animal”.
ELECTRICITY FOR CHICKEN FEED:
A $30 million project to turn chicken poop into electricity has been officially opened in Scotland. The installation at Westfield Biomass Plant will process 110,000 tons a year, enough to supply 20,000 homes. (Ironically, some of which will be used by electric stoves to cook the chickens.)
STRESS SOLUTION:
After years of research and tests, ‘stress guru’ Craig Mardus claims the best way to deal with stress is to think of a ‘torrid sexual fantasy’. Seems just the the thought of a quick fling with Cameron Diaz, Tom Cruise — or both — will boost your adrenaline levels and cancel out your worries. (Oh please — if this were true there wouldn’t be a stressed-out guy in the world.)
NET: http://Stressbusting.co.uk
THE BABY’S WRINKLY TOO:
A 62-year-old woman who gave birth to a baby boy in France MAY 14 may face court action for undergoing a fertility treatment available in neighboring Italy and England but banned under local laws. Officials have ruled out a ‘spontaneous pregnancy’. (But have they ruled out ‘bag over the head’?)
ANOTHER GREAT EXCUSE:
Don’t mow the lawn this weekend! The air pollution from cutting grass for an hour with a gasoline-powered lawn mower is about the same as that from a 100-mile automobile ride, according to a new study from Sweden, which recommends using catalytic converters on mowers. (Study funded by the Catalytic Converter Manufacturers Association.)
THE BULL SHEET 06.01.01
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1937 [64] Morgan Freeman, Memphis TN, movie actor (“Along Came a Spider”, “Nurse Betty”, “Driving Mrs Daisy”) NEXT FILM: Co-stars with Ben Affleck in “The Sum of All Fears”
1947 [54] Ron Wood, London ENG, rock guitarist (Rolling Stones, since 1975-“Anybody Seen My Baby”)
1953 [48] Ronnie Dunn, Coleman TX, country singer/guitarist (Brooks & Dunn-“Ain’t Nothing ‘Bout You”, “My Maria” — which topped country chart 5 years ago TODAY)
1974 [27] Alanis Morissette, Ottawa ON, rock singer whose “Jagged Little Pill” album has sold about 30 million copies worldwide, making it the biggest selling female album all-time
SATURDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1941 [60] Charlie Watts, Islington ENG, wrinkle-rock drummer (Rolling Stones-“Satisfaction”)
1941 [60] Stacy Keach, Savannah GA, TV actor (Ken Titus-“Titus”)
1955 [46] Dana Carvey, Missoula MT, comedian/ex-TV actor (“Dana Carvey Show”, “SNL”)/movie actor (“Wayne’s World”)
1960 [41] Kyle Petty, Randleman NC, 3rd-generation NASCAR driver who’s Richard’s son, Lee’s grandson and father of killed driver Adam Petty
1970 [31] Paula Cale, Great Falls VA, TV actress (Joanie Hansen-“Providence”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY would have been Marilyn Monroe’s 75th birthday (1926) had she lived. Can you picture her at that age? Would she have been a flash-in-the-pan or a screen legend? Would she be in the public eye or a recluse? Would she still be getting it on with an 84-year-old JFK?
To commemorate her 75th, Fox is releasing “The Diamond Collection” DVD box set of 5 movies with her greatest roles – “Bus Stop”, “How to Marry a Millionaire”, “There’s No Business Like Show Business”, “Gentlemen Prefer Blondes”, and “The Seven Year Itch”. The release is an excuse for a Marilyn Monroe dress-up event at downtown Toronto’s HMV store TODAY at noon (we’re betting there’ll be more gussied-up guys than girls).
TODAY is “Flip a Coin Day”, honoring the decision-making practise begun by none other than Julius Caesar (who was the ‘head’ on the head’s side). The coin flip was used in serious litigation involving property, marriage and even criminal guilt. (“Sorry, it’s tails Mr McVeigh – you fry!”)
TONIGHT is the 4th annual “Tribute Gala for Canada’s Walk of Fame” at Toronto’s Roy Thompson Hall, hosted by Brian Linehan, Jann Arden and Colin Mochrie (“Who’s Line Is It Anyway?”). The event is a tribute to this year’s 13 Canadians who will get a star on Canada’s celebrity walkway, including wrinkle rockers the Guess Who, author Margaret Atwood, actor Leslie Nielsen, 4-time world figure skating champ Kurt Browning, Montreal Canadiens legend Jean Beliveau, and Hall of Fame baseball pitcher Ferguson Jenkins.
PHONER: 416-367-9255
NET: http://www.canadaswalkoffame.com
ON THIS DAY . . .
1997 [04] USA’s Michael Johnson pulls up lame to allow Canada’s Donovan Bailey the win in “One-to-One Challenge” to find ‘World’s Fastest Man’ at Toronto’s Skydome
2000 [01] Dixie Chicks’ 5 month, 70 venue “Fly Tour” kicks off in Winnipeg
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1495 [506] Friar John Cor distills 1st ever vat of ‘Scotch Whiskey’ (he comes up for air 6 times)
1835 [166] Kingston (ON) Penitentiary opens (no one’s ever called IT ‘Club Fed’, it’s arguably Canada’s most daunting)
1909 [92] ‘Grey Cup’ donated to Canadian football, by Governor-General Lord Grey (quick, who won it last year? [BC Lions])
1938 [63] 1st ‘super hero’, “Superman”, is born on the pages of DC comics, created by Jerry Siegel and Toronto-born artist Joe Shuster
1980 [21] Cable News Network (CNN) debuts as 1st all-news TV station (back when Larry King had only been married 4 times)
TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1996 [05] Florida Panthers make it to Stanley Cup final in fewest seasons for any NHL expansion club (3)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Sat] National Rocky Road Day (as in the ice cream flavor)
[Sun] Repeat Day (something to do with eating green onions?)
[Sun] International Mother’s Peace Day (aka ‘Send the Kids Away Day’)
Canadian Safe Kids Week 2001
Fight the Filthy Fly Month (wash your jeans!)
BULL’S BITS . . .
FLIPSIDE FRENCH:
Let’s face it, most anglophone Canadians are only bilingual when it comes to reading the French labels on food products. Ask contestants to identify these breakfast foods by the French label on the flipside . . .
• riz croquant (rees cro-KAHN) – rice crispies
• gruau Quaker une minute (groo-OH kway-KUHR oon mee-NOOT) – 1 minute Quaker Oats
• flocons de mais (flah-KAHN duh meh) – corn flakes
• sirop d’érable (seer-O day-RAH-bluh) – maple syrup
• céréales de granola miel et amandes (sare-ay-AL duh gran-oh-LA mee-ELL ay ah-MAWND) – honey almond granola
• bacon fumé (ba-KAHN foo-MAY) – smoked bacon
• beurre d’arachide crémeux (burr dare-a-SHEED cray-MUH) – smooth peanut butter
• pain de blé concassé (pehn duh blay kahn-kass-AY) – cracked wheat bread
• quiche le choix de président (keesh luh shwa duh pray-see-DAHN) – President’s Choice Quiche (not eaten by vrais hommes)
BS BITCH QUIZ:
Thanks to this weirdo Website, you can give a 14-question ‘Bitch Quiz’, then just click a button to total results and get a summary of what a contestant’s score means.
NET: http://www.certifiedbitches.com/quiz.html
BS TAG LINE:
Doing nothing makes you tired ’cause you can’t take a break.
