Wednesday, June 28, 2000 Edition: #1839
BS SNEAK PREVIEW OF TONIGHT’S EDITION OF “SURVIVOR”:
• Tagi Tribe gets teed off with Susan when her ‘coconut cream pie’ turns out to be nothing more than whipped seagull poop.
• Colleen and Greg are caught making out in a tent, leaving their Pagong tribe-mates wondering how he managed to MAKE a tent without a pole.
• Jenna is jeered when she cooks up stingray-stuffed rat garnished with grubs and maggots, because nobody likes a show-off.
• Sean gives up on the hair-brained bowling alley idea but draws wrath from the Tagis for chopping down the island’s only citrus tree to make room for mini-golf.
• Retired Navy SEAL Rudy whittles a canoe out of driftwood using his Swiss Army dentures.
• When smug show host mentions the gourmet 5-course meal he just devoured during a tribal council, Pagongs beat the crap out of him with their torches.
• Dirk gets voted off the island for hocking loogies in his tribe’s grub worm casserole.
• After 4 weeks Kelly finally gets the nerve to tell Richard, “Would you take those freakin’ black socks off when you’re walking on the beach – you look like a dork!”
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Mel Gibson’s “The Patriot” opens in movie theaters today (“Braveheart”, only set during the American Revolution) . . . Shaquille O’Neal has inked a deal to promote the troubled Planet Hollywood restaurant chain in return for stock and having a menu item named after him, “The Shaq Shake” . . . Are we flush with money or what? Actress Michelle Pfeiffer and producer-hubby David E Kelley (“Ally McBeal, “The Practice”) have just bought a 6-bedroom Brentwood CA mansion for, ahem, $15 million! . . . 77-year-old “60 Minutes” creator Don Hewitt has just signed to produce the hit show for 4 more years and says he’ll look at another 4 after that (he and 82-year-old correspondent Mike Wallace are robbing the grave) . . . Here’s the next ‘reality TV’ we may be subjected to – NBC is considering a show called “Chains of Love”, in which 5 men are chained to a woman until she rejects them one-by-one (Liz Taylor should host).
• Another major technological landmark occurs today as a Website ‘cybercasts’ the first-ever LIVE PENILE IMPLANT OPERATION on the Internet starting at 9 am EDT. (That’s at www.corvette-driver.com)
• Intel Corp has unveiled a shoe that charges household batteries by using the energy generated by walking. However, so far it only generates a quarter-watt of power per minute, barely enough to charge a mobile phone. (Make some of these in size 23 for Shaq and he could light up LA.)
NEW TERMS FOR 2000:
• “Bubble-up” . . . A major problem for men on the beach – this is when you walk into the water and your swimming trunks balloon out with air, making you look goofy. Believe it or not, swimsuit makers are spending a lot of time and money to find a solution for this debacle.
• ‘Computopian’ . . . Someone who thinks that all of the world’s problems can be cured by more use of electronic technology. (“Oh we ran out of milk? I’ll look for a store on the Internet!”)
THE BULL SHEET 06.28.00
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1926  Mel Brooks (Kaminsky), Brooklyn NY, wacky movie director (“Blazing Saddles”, “High Anxiety”, “Young Frankenstein”)
1948  Kathy Bates (Doyle), Memphis TN, film actress (“Titanic”, “Fried Green Tomatoes”, Oscar-“Misery”)
1960  John Elway, Port Angeles WA, retired NFL QB (2 Super Bowls-Denver Broncos)
1966  John Cusack, Evanston IL, movie actor (“High Fidelity”, “Pushing Tin”, “Being John Malkovich”)
1967  Gil Bellows, Vancouver BC, ex-TV actor (Billy Thomas-“Ally McBeal”)/movie actor (“The Shawshank Redemption”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
Today is “Paul Bunyon Day”, celebrating the fable of the giant lumberjack and ‘Babe the Blue Ox’. (Almost as big a tall tale as what [your co-host] told his wife when he got home at 2 am Saturday.)
ON THIS DAY IN THE ’90S . . .
1991  Liverpool Philharmonic debuts Paul McCartney’s classical “Liverpool Oratorio”
1996  Demi Moore peels onscreen as “Striptease” opens in theaters (her star power drops faster than her clothes)
1997  Mike Tyson nibbles off parts of Evander Holyfield’s ear in a heavyweight title match that attracts a record 1.9 million viewers on ‘pay-per-chew’ TV (Tyson disqualified, Holyfield retains WBA title)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1859  1st dog show is held, in Newcastle ENG
1928  1st ‘rocket-delivered mail’ is sent, in Austria
1998  1st ratings week in which more TV viewers watch cable channels than broadcast channels
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs-July 2] Privateer Days (Liverpool NS)
[Thurs-July 7] Nova Scotia International Tattoo (Halifax)
[Thurs-July 9] Montreal Jazz Festival
Special Recreation Week
Adopt-A-Shelter Cat Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
You tell the story, a listener on the phone provides the SFX. Today’s story is called —
“A Night on the Town”
Last Saturday [your co-host] stumbled home at 2 am and opened the door (SFX) to find his wife standing there waiting for him muttering under her breath. (SFX) But instead of scolding him, she said to him in a breathy voice, “[Your co-host], take off my dress.” So he reached around, unzipped her dress (SFX) and dropped it to the floor. “Now,” she said. “Take off my bra.” So he reached around, unsnapped her bra (SFX), twirled it in a circle (SFX) and tossed it across the room. “Now,” she said, “Bend over and remove my high heels.” So he bent down and removed her shoes, causing him to sigh and groan. (SFX) “Now [your co-host],” she said. “Next time you’re going out on the town, wear YOUR OWN DAMN CLOTHES!”
BS TAG LINE: Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.