Monday, June 26, 2000 Edition: #1837
THE LEAST-POPULAR BS ITEMS AT MY WEEKEND GARAGE SALE:
• Parachute: never opened. Small stain.
• Barely used stick of deodorant.
• ‘Buy one Moffats CD, get the CD “Jimmy Buffet: Songs I Wrote While I Was Sober” free!’
• Self-help book, “5 Days to Fatter Ankles”.
• 2 dozen copies of the same Joan Baez album.
• Stuffed version of my runaway dog, ‘Pancake’.
• Lawnmower with attached squirrel parts.
• Big box o’ crap even the Goodwill didn’t want.
• My wife can’t show it to you here, but for 50 bucks you can see it upstairs.
• Rectal thermometer.
BS TABLOID TRASH:
• “Extra Extra!” says “Sixth Sense” director M Night Shyamalan is in talks to write a 4th ‘Indiana Jones’ movie which Steven Spielberg would direct in 2002. (When star Harrison Ford turns 60!)
• Actor Judd Nelson’s ex-galpal Kelly Stafford has started up a business making specialty gift baskets for jilted lovers to send to their exes. According to “National Enquirer”, some of the most popular are the ‘Burn In Hell Basket’, the ‘STD Basket’, and the ‘Hygiene Basket’. (Bet the card reads, “You stink!”)
• “Daily Variety” reports Sharon Stone has signed a whopping $15-million deal to return as seductive, ice pick-wielding ‘Catherine Tramell’ in a sequel to “Basic Instinct”, the ‘92 thriller that made her a star. (The studio can afford it because of the bucks they save on wardrobe.)
• “E! Online” reports the decision to set the Broadway musical version of the hit movie “The Full Monty” in ‘Rust Belt’ burg Buffalo NY rather than rusty old Sheffield, England has angered Buffalo residents who consider it an insult to a ‘city on the rebound’. (In fact, the city ranks well ahead of Calcutta.)
• “Daily News” says a “Britney Spears Museum” is being created in her hometown of Kentwood LA, which will feature artifacts from her early childhood. (Including her first ‘belly bib’.)
• “Excite Entertainment” confirms director James Cameron has quietly wed for the 5th time, this time to actress Suzy Amis in a private ceremony in Malibu. (He first became impressed with her when she went down on the “Titanic”.)
STYLE STATEMENTS:
• Gucci has introduced a new line of clothing and accessories for toddlers, including a mink coat, monogrammed leather booties, and a tiny leather biker jacket. (But man, you can really get a rash from those new designer leather diapers.)
• A British company is now putting out an entire line of edible clothes. You can munch your way through tuxedos, suits, ties, evening gowns and even shoes — all made of candy. (“Jennifer dear, I was looking for your prom dress to take to the cleaners and I can’t seem to find it . . .”)
DICK TRACY WOULD BE PROUD:
There are already wristwatches on the market that let you keep in touch via a pager, find your exact location through Global Positioning Satellites, and download music from your PC. Later this year, Casio will introduce a $200 ‘Wrist Camera’ that will send and display postage-stamp-size digital photos. (“Yeah lady, really nice to see that pic of your grandkids, but what the hell time is it?”)
THE BULL SHEET 06.26.00
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1955 [45] Gedde Watanabe, Ogden UT, TV actor (Yosh Takata-“ER”)
1956 [44] Chris Isaak, Stockton CA, pop singer (“Wicked Game”)/movie actor (“That Thing you Do!”, “The Silence of the Lambs”)
1959 [41] Mark McKinney, Ottawa ON, TV actor (Rex Reilly-“Twitch City”, “Kids In The Hall”, “SNL”)
1969 [31] Colin Greenwood, ENG, rock bassist (Radiohead-“Karma Police”)
1970 [30] Chris O’Donnell, Winnetka IL, movie actor (“The Chamber”, “Batman & Robin”)
1970 [30] Sean Hayes, Glen Ellyn IL, TV actor (Jack McFarland-“Will and Grace”)
1974 [26] Derek Jeter, Pequannock NJ, MLB shortstop (NY Yankees)/’96 ‘Rookie of the Year’/ladies’ man (Mariah Carey slept here)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[ENG] “Wimbledon Tennis” begins
Today is “UN International Day Against Drug Abuse & Illicit Trafficking“. (Is there ‘licit’ trafficking?)
Today is “National Chocolate Pudding Day”. (Or, as your 3-year-old knows it, ‘National Wall Mural Supplies Day’.)
ON THIS DAY IN THE ’90S . . .
1994 [06] Tickets for “Woodstock 2” festival go on sale ($135 a pop)
1998 [02] “Doctor Dolittle”, starring Eddie Murphy, opens in movie theaters
1998 [02] “Cruel Summer” single by Ace of Base released
1999 [01] Adam Sandler’s Big Daddy” tops the movie box office
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1498 [502] 1st ‘toothbrush’ invented, in China (next day, a sleep-over guest secretly uses it)
1906 [94] 1st ‘Grand-Prix’ auto race (Le Mans FRA)
1976 [24] Toronto’s ‘CN Tower’ 1st opens to the public
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] National Columnists Day
Deaf & Blindness Awareness Week
National Dairy Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
PHONE STARTERS:
• “How much money would it take to make you happy?” (According to a “Money” magazine poll, less than you might think. It finds that, for most poeple, financial happiness begins at $50,000/year.)
• “If you could slap one famous person and get away with it, who would it be?”
BS TRIVIA:
Q: A female pigeon cannot lay an egg unless she sees what?
A: Another pigeon — and no one knows why. But you can cheat and use a mirror.
BS TAG LINE:
It’s always darkest just before you step on the cat.
