Thursday, June 22, 2000 Edition: #1835
According to a new poll in “US News & World Report”, 70% of kids quit organized sports before they turn 13. Why? A related survey finds almost half of kids playing sports have been yelled at or insulted by adults. About 18% have actually been hit, kicked or slapped!
YOU KNOW YOU TAKE YOUR KID’S SPORTS TOO SERIOUSLY IF . . .
• In your house, potty training involves a starter’s pistol.
• You’ve replaced the ‘Flintstone Chewable Vitamins’ with ‘WWF Chewable Steroids’.
• You’ve ever had a fist-fight with the goalie’s grandmother.
• Going shirtless with your chest painted in the team colors doesn’t sit well with the other soccer moms.
• You’ve ever fired live ammo over your kid’s head when he’s running between bases.
• You abstain from sex the night before a T-ball game.
• You’ve ever said to your daughter, “Put down the Gatorade, Jennifer — the Gatorade is for winners.”
(Thanks to input from Chris White)
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Today Britney Spears is in Toronto to do an hour-long “Live@Much” program in the MuchMusic ‘environment’ (Moses Znaimer-ese for ‘studio’) . . . Barbara Walters reportedly wants over $12 million-a-year to jump from ABC to CBS-TV (NBC’s not interested ‘cause they already have a news anchor who can’t pronounce ‘R’s and ‘L’s) . . . ‘Posh Spice’ Victoria Beckham is seeking a court injunction against an ex-bodyguard to prevent him from publishing a tell-all book (what, she’s worried her mascara secrets will be revealed?)
MOVIES IN THE MAKING:
“Red Green: Duct Tape Forever”, Steve Smith’s upcoming feature film based on his “New Red Green Show” on CBC-TV (and in re-runs on every other channel) sends ‘Red’ and ‘Nephew Harold’ on the road to a duct-tape construction contest, towing a giant Canada Goose (this is comedy, eh). . . Ottawa-bred comic Tom Green will co-write, direct and star in the bigscreen comedy “Freddy Got Fingered” as a guy forced to move back in with his parents (you gotta have a lot of balls to take on that kinda responsibility – oh, sorry Tom).
TURD TECHNOLOGY:
Two London, England construction companies want to use chemically-treated human sewage to create a lightweight building material. They claim the process will reduce water pollution and bring building costs down. (But will cause a dramatic increase in the number of people who say “Your house looks like shit!”)
SIGNS YOU’RE SCORING:
A new study shows that when a man meets a woman, it takes only 30 seconds to decide whether they’ll be a romance, and the decision is ALWAYS made by the woman. Research scientist Karl Grammar says the female controls the situation and the outcome, and she’ll show she’s interested by doing one or more of the following —
• Initiating and holding eye contact.
• Leaning forward and smiling.
• Opening her arms and uncrossing her legs.
• Flipping her hair back.
• Tilting her head backward, revealing her neck. (Another indication might be if she jumps on your lap and tongue drills your left ear.)
THE BULL SHEET 06.22.00
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1941 [59] Ed Bradley, Philadelphia PA, CBS news correspondent (“60 Minutes”, since 1981)
1949 [51] Meryl Streep, Summit NJ, movie actress (“Music of the Heart”)/12 Academy Award nominations (Oscars-“Sophie’s Choice”, “Kramer vs Kramer”)
1952 [48] Graham Greene, Six Nations Reserve ON, film actor (“The Green Mile”, “Dances With Wolves”)
1964 [36] Amy Brenneman, Glastonbury CT, TV actress (Judge Amy Madison Gray-“Judging Amy”)
1970 [30] Steven Page, Scarborough ON, rock singer (Barenaked Ladies-“One Week”, “It’s All Been Done”)
1971 [29] Kurt Warner, Burlington IA, NFL QB (Super Bowl champ St Louis Rams)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
Today-Sunday is the 47th annual “Watermelon Thump” in Luling TX, home of the ‘World Champion Seed-Spitting Contest’ in which you can win $1000 for breaking Luling’s ‘Guinness World Record’ of 68 ft-9 1/8 ins. Texans always make a great interview ‘cause they sound funny and don’t know it.
PHONER: 830-875-3214
NET: http://www.bcsnet.net/lulingcc/thump.html
ON THIS DAY IN THE ’90S . . .
1998 [02] Paul McCartney personally chooses and arranges 45,000 flowers to decorate Manhattan’s Riverside Church for memorial to wife Linda
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1847 [153] 1st ‘doughnut’ (according to legend, doughnuts with a hole in the center were developed for sailors, so they could hook them over the spokes of a ship’s wheel while steering)
1873 [127] PEI joins Canada (adding 37 people and 4 million potatoes to the population)
1963 [27] 1st ‘live recording’ to top pop charts (Stevie Wonder’s “Fingertips Parts 1 & 2″)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Fri-Sat] NHL Draft (Calgary)
[Fri-Sat] Canadian Alliance Leadership convention (Calgary)
National Horse Week
Entrepreneurs Do It Yourself Marketing Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
SFX THEATER:
Back by popular demand! You tell the story, a listener on the phone provides the SFX. Today’s story is called “The Blind Date” –
Last Saturday [your co-host] was ALL EXCITED about his blind date. (SFX) He got in his car, shut the door (SFX) and tried to start it but the battery was dead. (SFX) So he got on his creaky old bicycle and rode over to pick up his date. (SFX) He rang the doorbell (SFX) but the button stuck so it kept ringing over and over. (SFX) The door opened (SFX) and there stood the world’s UGLIEST human. [Your co-host] let out a blood-curdling scream. (SFX) Unfazed, she said, “Oh you must be here for Darla, I’ll go get her.” She slammed the door. (SFX) [Your co-host] whistled a happy tune while he waited. (SFX) When the door opened again (SFX) there stood the most gorgeous babe he had ever seen. [Your co-host] sighed and panted (SFX) but the beautiful creature took one look at [your co-host] and let out a blood-curdling scream! (SFX)
BS TAG LINE:
Talk is cheap, unless you hire a lawyer.
