Monday, June 19, 2000 Edition: #1832
BS WAYS TO AVOID MOWING THE LAWN:
• Put a ‘For Sale’ sign on the mower. Let everybody who comes by take a test drive.
• Kill half the grass, let the other half grow long. Do a ‘comb over’.
• Mount entire yard on giant hydraulic platform. Lower it 1 inch per week.
• Tell your wife you can’t stand the screams of the poor defenseless blades of grass, then go sit in a corner gently rocking back and forth.
• Have a kid. Wait 10 years. Make HIM do it.
BS TABLOID TRASH:
• “E! Online” notes that a ruling is expected today in the Mick Jagger child support case. Brazilian model Luciana Morad, who is mother to his love child, wants $35,000 a month while Mick’s offering $5,600. (She’s looking to switch careers from modeling to being a highly-paid ‘producer’.)
• Worried about ruining his public image as a happily-married family man that he worked so hard to build after those infamous orgy videos 12 years back, “West Wing” star Rob Lowe is empathetically denying a report in “Star” that he recently spent time with an exotic dancer. He admits in a statement that he and co-workers on the new movie “Proximity” went to a strip club, and that the dancer did a lap dance for him, and that she came back to his Cleveland hotel — but not to be with him. (Oh well then, don’t worry pal. Your integrity’s in tact!)
• Billy Bob Thornton tells “US Weekly” he loves new wife Angelina Jolie so much, it was all he could do to keep from killing her. Quote: “I had to restrain myself from literally squeezing her to death.” (Ever think that maybe in “Sling Blade” he wasn’t just acting?)
• “Globe” reports that Bruce Willis is planning to marry 33-year-old girlfriend Maria Bravo, who once had a job serving drinks in her mom’s brothel. (Sounds like the perfect wife — ask any guy!)
• Sources tell “Star” that Jack Nicholson’s much-younger girlfriend Lara Flynn Boyle has given him the word to lose weight or else. Apparently she doesn’t want to be seen in public with his flabby belly. (Apparently for Ms Boyle, hookers are OK, love handles ain’t.)
WHAT YOUR NAIL COLOR SAYS:
According to color therapists in “W” magazine, different colors correlate to different moods. For example, deep red exemplifies ‘courage’, pink exudes ‘solace’, and plum is associated with ‘passion’. And since hands are great places to receive and transmit energy, the experts say nail polish is a great way to wear color that affects your mood. (Guy question — what if your fingernail’s black from accidently hitting it with a hammer?)
SILLY SURVEYS:
• A recent poll shows that 54% of us think we drive better than everyone else. (So why is it we always get stuck in traffic with the other 46%?)
• 12% of married couples polled say they NEVER do this together. What? Get undressed in front of each other! (They’re too shy for that, but they’ll argue like idiots in a restaurant.)
• In a new “Reader’s Digest” poll of 16-18 year-old Canadians, a full 93% say they believe that, with hard work, prosperity and happiness are within reach. (Ah, the innocence of youth.)
You can instantly renew your BS subscription at http://www.TheBullSheet.com or by calling 1-800-268-6048.
THE BULL SHEET 06.19.00
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1928 [72] Nancy Marchand, Buffalo NY, TV actress (Livia Soprano-“The Sopranos”)
1947 [53] Salman Rushdie, Bombay INDIA, author (“Satanic Verses”)/former fugitive
1948 [52] Phylicia Rashad, Houston TX, TV actress (Ruthie-“Cosby”, Claire-“The Cosby Show”)/Mrs Ahmad Rashad
1951 [49] Ann Wilson, San Diego CA, classic rock singer (Heart-“What About Love”)
1954 [46] Kathleen Turner, Springfield MO, stage actress (made headlines with daily disrobing in London production of “The Graduate”)/movie actress (“Body Heat”, “Romancing the Stone”)
1962 [38] Paula Abdul, Van Nuys CA, pop singer (Grammy-“Opposites Attract”)/choreographer
1978 [22] ‘Garfield’, Jim Davis fat cat comic strip 1st appears in newspapers (“Big fat hairy deal”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
Today is “World Sauntering Day”, a day to ‘revive the art of Victorian sauntering, and discourage jogging, lollygagging, sashaying, fast walking and trotting’.
Summer solstice is an excuse to go nuts in the north. Yellowknife celebrates with “Raven Mad Daze” starting tonight and Inuvik marks the longest day of the year with “Midnight Madness”. So like, how do you ever sleep when it never gets dark?
Today is “National Juggling Day”, which either has to do with the ancient art of tossing multiple items in the air or the creative accounting your bookkeeper does. Juggling clubs affiliated with the International Jugglers Association in cities all over the world hold local festivals to celebrate their art.
ONE YEAR AGO . . .
1999 [01] Britain’s Prince Edward weds Sophie Rhys-Jones
1999 [01] Disney’s animated “Tarzan” tops the box office in its opening weekend
1999 [01] Dallas Star Brett Hull scores at 14:51 of 3rd OT to beat Buffalo Sabres 2-1 and win Stanley Cup (2nd-longest OT game in finals and longest to decide a winner)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1941 [59] Cheerios 1st sold (as ‘Cheerie Oats’)
1981 [19] 13-year-old Céline Dion makes TV debut in Québec
1983 [17] Opening of Vancouver’s domed stadium ‘BC Place’
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] Summer begins (Friday in Edmonton, summer ends)
[Wed] Canadian National Aboriginal Day
[Wed-July 1] Celebrate Canada!
Take Your Pet to Work Week
Rebuild Your Life Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS WORDPLAY:
Q: What is the longest word in the English language that contains just one vowel?
A: The 9-letter word ‘strengths’.
Q: What’s the longest word that is typed with only the left hand if you keyboard correctly?
A: The 12-letter word ‘stewardesses’.
THE LAST WORD: Diplomacy is the art of saying “good doggy” while looking for a bigger stick.
