Wednesday, June 14, 2000 Edition: #1829
Rumors are circulating that if Microsoft loses its appeal against breaking up, it will relocate its headquarters to Canada. So here’s a look at –
BS WAYS THINGS WILL BE DIFFERENT IF MICROSOFT MOVES TO CANADA:
• Instead of ‘Windows’ freezing all the time, they just frost over.
• Opening screen says ‘Fenetres Deux Milles’.
• Screensaver is a Zamboni constantly circling.
• Power Point renamed ‘Don’t Point’ because ‘power’ is just too aggressive, and pointing isn’t polite.
• Optional new car block heater plug-n-play interface.
• When you power up your PC, ‘Red Green’ says “Hey, you got mail, eh?”
• Instead of globe icon for Internet Explorer, you get a more appropriate beaver.
• New product — ‘Microsoft Storm Windows’
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Hit TV series “Survivor” airs again tonight and even though the $1-million winner was decided April 20th, none of the castaways has leaked the outcome due to rigorous confidentiality agreements . . . A follow-up “Survivor” series is already being planned for early next year, likely to be shot in the Australian outback . . . Today Minnesota’s ex-wrastling gov’ Jesse Ventura tapes a guest appearance on “The Young and the Restless”, playing himself (airs later this month) . . . Tonight Dr Dre kicks off a summer tour in San Diego with Ice Cube, Snoop Dogg, and – if he can stay out of jail – Eminem.
NEW TERMS FOR 2000:
• ‘Digital Distress’ . . . Techno-phobia, angst about keeping up with technology, confusion about what digital products are necessary. A new Harris Online study finds more than a third of us are affected and 60% of those polled have simply stopped trying to keep up with the latest technology. (I’m considering going stereo.)
• ‘Appointment Viewing’ . . . A marketing term for a TV show that causes people to plan ahead and actually schedule time to watch. “Survivor” is becoming that kind of show. (Lots of TV programs were like this before we had 377 channels — and nuthin’ on.)
BS FROM AROUND-THE-WORLD:
• An Israeli company has invented a pill-sized capsule that contains a miniature camera, light and transmitter that is swallowed to produce videotape of the digestive tract. It’s now being tested on humans. (“Take two capsules and send me the tape in the morning.”)
• A new British poll shows support for the royal family has slipped to an all-time low, with only 44% feeling the royals are essential. (And half of them were comedians looking for a universal punch line.)
• Mexico’s ruling party is using male exotic dancers to get female voters excited about the upcoming July 2nd presidential election. Last week, the “Sexy Boys” peeled in front of 150,000 fawning females at a political rally in Mexico City. (Joe Clark, take note!)
WHAT DAD REALLY WANTS:
Top items on this year’s wish list for “Fathers Day”, according to a new online gift service poll.
• Top activities include ‘spending time with the family’ (picked by a whopping 47%), ‘going out for a steak or seafood dinner‘, and ‘attending a sports event’.
• Top gifts are clothing (30%), a card (14%), tools or sports equipment (8%).
THE BULL SHEET 06.14.00
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1942 [58] Bambi, Hollywood CA, spotted venison on the hoof/famous orphan (Disney movie 1st released)/HIS MOTHER DIES!!!! (oh sorry, thought I’d worked through that)
1946 [54] Donald Trump, NYC, real estate mogul (Trump Tower)/author (“The Art of the Deal”)/ex-Mr Marla, ex-Mr Ivana
1961 [39] Boy George (George O’Dowd), Kent ENG, pop singer (Culture Club-“Do You Really Want to Hurt Me”, “Karma Chameleon”)
1966 [34] Traylor Howard, Orlando FL, TV actress (Sharon Carter-Two Guys and a Girl)/movie actress (plays the bride in the upcoming Jim Carrey flick “Me, Myself and Irene”)
1968 [32] Yasmine Bleeth, NYC, TV actress (Heather-“Titans”, ex-“Nash Bridges”, ex-“Baywatch”)
1969 [31] Steffi Graf (‘Fraulein Forehand’), Bruhl GER, retired tennis player who won 21 Grand Slam singles titles/Andre Agassi’s pal
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
Today is “International Family History Day”, a day to ‘share the folklore, legends and myths of your own particular family tree’. (To do this, just ask your dad what it was like when he was a kid.)
This is “National Hermit Week”, a time to ‘take an adventure in solitude’. So why do they have a phone?
PHONER: 888-222-5170 (The Hermit Project)
Saturday the 14th annual “Symphony of Fire” ignites the skies over Toronto and Montréal, continuing till July 8. 5 countries compete in the largest international musical fireworks competition in the world.
TORONTO PHONER: 416-870-8000 NET: http://www.ontarioplace.com/bhi.html
MONTREAL PHONER: 800-797-4537 NET: http://www.pdi-montreal.com/Anglais/Events/Feux.html
NOTE: Vancouver’s version of the same event starts July 29.
ON THIS DAY IN THE ’90S . . .
1995 [05] Elvis rolls over in his grave as 60 million watch Diane Sawyer interview newlyweds Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley on “PrimeTime Live”
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1841 [159] 1st ‘Canadian parliament’ convenes (Where was it? Kingston ON)
1951 [49] UNIVAC 1 unveiled as 1st ‘commercial computer’ (It’s portable — if you have a flatbed semi)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] Smile Power Day
[Mon] World Sauntering Day
National Men’s Health Week
Radio Talk Show Week
Canadian Seniors Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
PHONE STARTER:
“Who’s the all-time best TV dad?” (A WebTV poll finds ‘Cliff Huxtable’ of “The Cosby Show” is top pop, followed by ‘Archie Bunker’ of “All in the Family”, ‘Howard Cunningham’ on “Happy Days”, ‘Ward Cleaver from “Leave It to Beaver”, and ‘Mike Brady’ of “The Brady Bunch”.)
THE LAST WORD:
Understatement is always, always the very, very best.
