Wednesday, June 7, 2000 Edition: #1824
This is “Pet Appreciation Week”, set aside to ‘remember our pet companions who mean so much to us and do something special for them’. So here’s some BS . . .
SPECIAL THINGS TO DO WITH YOUR PET:
• Return the favor — lick your dog’s face.
• Mark your territory by peeing on the couch.
• Just for a change, bring your cat a dead bird.
• Make a real effort to learn how to purr.
• Eat lots of cabbage so you can contribute to the household methane production.
• Learn to relate — eat dinner on the floor.
• Spend quality time with your pet rolling around in something really awful.
• Join the fun — sniff your neighbor’s butt, then bite the mailman.
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Yesterday at Atlanta’s “Supercomm” trade show, the animated sci-fi flick “Titan AE” became the 1st movie to be transmitted over the Internet directly from a Hollywood studio (soon they’ll be beaming them right into our heads) . . . The times they are a changin’ – Arnold Schwarzenegger has reportedly refused to pose with a gun for the marketing campaign for his upcoming thriller “The 6th Day” (always knew he was a wuss) . . . Here’s a refreshing change from the usual Hollywood attitude — “West Wing’s” prez Martin Sheen recently shooed away airport security who tried to break up a crowd of autograph seekers, saying he’d take all the time needed to satisfy his fans (there’s a guy who doesn’t take his celebrity for granted) . . . Woody Harrelson accidentally set fire to his backyard hammock that was made from hemp (explaining why Dorito sales suddenly tripled at the neighborhood 7-11).
IT WORKED WITH MEXICO DIDN’T IT?
Canada is about to begin negotiations on a free-trade agreement with Singapore, the tiny ‘tiger nation’ of southeast Asia. (We’ll send them lots of minerals, lumber and other raw materials. They’ll send us those icky pink sling drinks with little umbrellas in them and manuals on how to cane our children.)
NOT HARD ANYMORE:
Restaurants in Whistler, Banff, Vancouver, Calgary and Edmonton will no longer have the right to call themselves ‘Hard Rock Cafes’ after the parent company revoked the franchises over unpaid royalties. (Having run out of radio stations to ruin, Telemedia will buy them up and turn them into ‘EZ Rock Cafes’.)
IT’S THE PULLET POLICE:
Canadian health officials are using some 600 chickens at ‘secret strategic locations’ along the US border to detect the spread of the dreaded ‘West Nile Encephalitis’ virus. (The Canadian Armed Forces are worried their high tech weaponry is being spread too thin.)
NEW TERMS FOR 2000:
• ‘Three-Quarter-Length Pants’ . . . Also known as ‘clamdiggers’ or ‘peddle pushers’ (though no self-respecting guy would call them that), they’re mid-calf ‘high water pants’ that promise to be popular with men this summer since women have already picked up on the retro fashion fad from 40-odd years ago.
• ‘Cyberchondriacs’ . . . People who obsessively scour the Web looking to self-diagnose all their health problems. “New Scientist” magazine notes that family doctors are facing an epidemic of ‘Internet Print Out Fever’.
THE BULL SHEET 06.07.00
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1929 [71] John Turner, Richmond ENG, 17th Canadian PM (for 80 days June-September,1984)
1940 [60] Tom Jones, Pontypridd WALES, pop singer (It’s Not Unusual, Kiss)/just won a 2000 Brit Award for ‘Best British Male’ for “Reload”, an album of collaborations with top rock stars
1946 [54] Jenny Jones (Janina Stronski), London ON, TV talk show host (Jenny Jones)
1952 [48] Liam Neeson, Ballymena N IRE, film actor (Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn-The Phantom Menace, Schindler’s List)/former forklift operator for Guinness Brewery
1954 [46] Lui Passaglia, Vancouver BC, CFL kicker for BC Lions since 1976
1958 [42] Prince [“The Artist Formerly Known as Popular”] (Prince Rogers Nelson), Minneapolis MN, rock singer (Purple Rain) NOTE: Starting today, he’s holding a week-long party to celebrate his switch back to the name Prince from the dumb androgynous symbol pronounced ‘Victor’ that he used as a protest against his recording contract. You can tour his Paisley Park Studios — for 70 bucks — and he’s also doing a concert Tuesday (June 13) in Minneapolis.
1970 [30] Mike Modano, Livonia MI, NHL center (one of big guns for Stanley Cup finalist Dallas Stars)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[Winnipeg] International Children’s Festival begins
Today is the 2nd annual “Clean Air Day Canada”, held on the Wednesday of “Environment Week”, to encourage Canadians to help improve air quality and reduce the risks of climate change. (One of this year’s projects is erecting a giant dome over Hamilton.)
Today is “Chocolate Ice Cream Day”, celebrating one of the most popular flavors, but not THE most popular flavor. That honor still goes to vanilla, favorite of 29% of us. Chocolate is #2 at 8.9%.
ON THIS DATE IN THE ’90S . . .
1997 [03] US presidential commission proclaims that cloning humans is ‘morally unacceptable’ (so how do you explain all the ‘boy bands’?)
1999 [01] Mattel releases ‘Major League Baseball Barbie’ (Ken never gets to 1st base with her)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1975 [25] 1st ‘home VCR’ (Sony’s ‘Betamax’ sells for exorbitant price of $995)
1989 [11] 1st MLB game to start outdoors & end indoors (Toronto Skydome roof closes during game)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] 2000 MTV Movie Awards on TV
[Fri] Montreal Fringe Festival begins
Gay and Lesbian Pride Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
TRUTH OR BS?
• The Incas used to treat headaches by bleeding themselves between the eyebrows. (T. This is “National Headache Awareness Week” — give it a try!)
• French fries were invented in France. (BS, probably Belgium. In culinary lingo, food cut into strips is said to be ‘frenched’ [just like you were at the high school prom].)
• It’s illegal to use a cellular phone while driving in Brazil. (T, since 1996. We need this here!)
• Pirates used to wear earrings because they thought it improved their eyesight. (T. In that case, what does hanging one on your nostril do?)
THE LAST WORD: The mind is like a TV. When it goes blank, you might as well turn the sound off.
