Tuesday, June 6, 2000                                               Edition:  #1823

Forget about destroying a deadly virus like in “M:i-2″, here’s some BS . . .
TRULY IMPOSSIBLE MISSIONS:
• Protesting anything in Canada without getting pepper sprayed.
• Finding a bathing suit that won’t ride up your butt.
• Making Joe Clark appear exciting.
• Getting Ricky Martin to look hetero.
• Trying to find orthopedic platform shoes.
• Kathy Kinney putting on a pair of bicycle shorts.
• Finding a woman who can walk by a mirror without looking in it.

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
At this August’s “Festival Vancouver” a new opera called “Game Misconduct” will debut – that’s right an opera about hockey that takes place during the 7th game of a playoff series (only in Canada) . . . You’ve heard this rumor before — word is Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston will tie the knot next month in LA . . . Pamela Anderson has apparently fallen head over silicone for Swedish model Marcus Schenkenberg whom she met at PETA protest (you know she loves animals – she married Tommy Lee) and her reps confirm that she’s formally dropped ‘Lee’ from her last name . . . Latest rumor is Liz Hurley and Hugh Grant didn’t split up at all, but are in fact planning to get married and have a family (these two have more reconciliations than “Notting Hill”).

TODAY’S VIDEO RELEASES:
In “Girl, Interrupted”, Winona Ryder is sent to a mental institution after a suicide attempt and she befriends wild whacko Angelina Jolie (who won an Oscar for the role of ‘Lisa’) . . . Ice Cube moves from the ghetto to the suburbs to live with his lottery-winning uncle and cousins in the comedy “Next Friday” . . . Already on VHS but new to DVD today — Brad Pitt & Edward Norton star in “Fight Club”, about bored white collar types who relieve their frustrations by beating each other to a pulp.

TOP VIDEO RENTALS:
1. “Sleepy Hollow”
2. “The World Is Not Enough”
3. “American Beauty”

CASANOVA DOT COM:
Italian Internet site seduction.net is offering a course on seduction. For $192, self-professed expert Carlo della Torre promises you’ll learn the ‘art of the come-on’, which he says is based 60% on environment, 30% on the seducer and just 10% on the seducee. (Somehow it’s hard to believe that blowing 200 bucks will give you a 90% chance of scoring with Pam Anderson.)

NO SEE UMS:
Clinical trials are about to begin on a new Canadian birth control device that’s been nicknamed the ‘invisible condom’. The liquid is applied to male genitals before sex. (Leading to the future excuse: “Honest baby, I’m using  a glove – you just can’t see it!”)

JUST WILD ABOUT HARRY:
An unheard of 3.8 million-copy print run has been ordered for the as-yet untitled 4th ‘Harry Potter’ book, set to go on sale July 8th. In an “M:i-2″-like bit of hype, it’s been nicknamed ‘HP IV’. (This will make JK  Rowling the best-selling author since – God.)

THE BULL SHEET 06.06.00

TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1935    [65] Dalai Lama (Gejong Tenzin Gyatsho), TIBET, 14th spiritual leader of Lamaistic Buddhists, since 1940/1989 Nobel Peace Prize/Richard Gere’s pal
1949    [51] Robert Englund, Glendale CA, scary film actor (most famous for playing ‘Freddie Krueger]’ in the “Nightmare on Elm Street” series, he’ll reprise the role in “Freddy vs Jason” next year)
1956    [44] Bjorn Borg, Sodertalje SWE, former tennis great who won 5 consecutive Wimbledon championships (1976-80) and 6 French Opens
1973    [27] Lisa Brokop, Surrey BC, country singer (How Do I Let Go, When You Get to Be You)

BS REASONS TO PARTY  . . .
“Dragon Boat Festival” is celebrated today throughout China, an important observance for the Chinese that commemorates the death of poet Qu Yuan, who drowned himself to protest injustice and corruption in ancient China. (The “Canadian Dragon Boat Festival” is June 16-18 in Vancouver.)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1844    [156] 1st ‘YMCA’ founded, in London ENG (as you know, “It’s fun to play at the Y-M-C-A . . .”)
1882    [118] 1st ‘electric iron’ (the next day, the first guy is embarrassed by a boat-shaped brown mark on the back of his dress shirt)
1933    [67] 1st ‘drive-in theater’ opens, in Camden NJ (25¢ per person or $1 a car to see “Wife Beware”/first drive-in theatre in Canada was in Hamilton in 1946)
1978    [22] 1st edition of 20/20 on ABC-TV (1st show was such a disaster, co-hosts Harold Hayes and Australian Robert Hughes are fired and replaced by Hugh Downs)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] Clean Air Day Canada
[Thurs] Name Your Poison Day
National Fishing Week
Children’s Awareness Month (try getting a good night’s sleep with a newborn in the house)

BULL’S BITS . . .
PHONE STARTER:
“What annoying habit does a co-worker have that drives you up the wall?” (Asking “Is it Friday yet?” every single day, constantly scratching or brushing hair, etc.)

THE BS 5 SECOND GAME:
Phone contestant has 5 seconds to list each of the following . . .
• 5 New York pro sports teams.
• 5 countries in South America.
• 5 songs with ‘Love’ in the title.
• 5 dead rock stars.
• 5 kitchen appliances.

BS BRAIN TEASERS:
Q: ‘PRS’ are my initials and I live above a star. What am I?
A: The number ‘7′ on a telephone keypad.

Q: What word becomes shorter when you add 2 letters to it?
A: The word ‘short’.

THE LAST WORD: Anyone who’s all wrapped up in himself is overdressed.