Monday, June 5, 2000 Edition: #1822
YOU REALLY NEED A NEW CAR WHEN –
• You pull over to let a fire truck go by, and it stops behind you.
• You have to take it in every 5000 Ks to get the duct tape changed.
• The only thing holding your bumper on is the “I Visited Banff” sticker.
• Doesn’t have quite enough power to get over speed bumps.
• You find someone broke in and left a $100 and a new stereo.
• ‘Tinted windows’ made by Hefty Bags.
• Reaching optimum speed requires a hill.
• When you pass hitchhikers, they turn their thumbs down.
• Fails emission test when its not even running.
• Cell phone has direct line to CAA.
BS TABLOID TRASH:
• “National Enquirer” says Jennifer Lopez recently turned her nose up at a $620 a night hotel room, and finally settled for one that cost $4300. (You know she’s picky by her taste in men.)
• “Globe” reports that Gary Coleman (“Diff’rent Strokes”, and most recently, “Diff’rent Strokes”) is running for the Senate in California. His previous gig was doing security in a shopping center. (He’s expected to bring out the unemployed midget vote.)
• If you believe “Globe”, British heir Prince William is becoming quite the party boy and has actually made a list of women he’d like to ‘conquer’, including Ivanka Trump, Britney Spears, and Natalie Imbruglia. (At least he has better taste than dad.)
• “Star” claims Sarah Michelle Gellar lets her dog pick her lottery ticket numbers every week by sticking his paw into a basket full of numbers. (He also picks her movie roles.)
• “Variety” says Dwayne Johnson, known to wrestling fans as ‘The Rock’, is in talks to star in 2 major movies for $5 million each. One is a big budget sci-fi movie in which he’d play dual roles as both good guy and bad guy (ah, the ol’ evil twin caper!), the other a prequel to “The Mummy”, centered on ‘Scorpion King’, his minor character in the upcoming “The Mummy 2”. (Of course he can act – he’s in the WWF!)
• “Star” claims Jim Carrey has traded in girlfriend Renee Zellweger’s red BMW convertible on a more ‘practical’ BMW SUV. The reason? Seems jealous Jim thought his hot babe with the hot wheels was turning too many Hollywood hunks’ heads!
STYLE STATEMENT:
According to the June issue of “GQ” magazine, a growing number of North American men are not wearing underwear. (There’s also a surge in popularity of pants with a ‘racing stripe’.)
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO CASH?
According to a new poll of graduating high schoolers, the top choice by far as a graduation gift would be a notebook computer. Other items on the wish list include — Palm Pilots, stereos, and TV/VCR combos. (Talk about spoiled! When I graduated, I got — to live.)
REASON TO CALL HIM ‘FATHER’:
This month a young Detroit seminarian will be ordained as a Roman Catholic priest — by his father! How can that be? Seems pops left the priesthood, married and had 9 children before becoming a priest all over again when his wife died. (First he had to recite 6,457,983 Hail Marys as penance.)
THE BULL SHEET 06.05.00
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1939 [61] Joe Clark, High River AB, leader of national Progressive Conservatives (both of ‘em)/youngest ever Prime Minister at age 39 (1979-80)
1956 [44] Kenny G (Gorelick), Seattle WA, schmaltzy pop saxophonist (Breathless)
1971 [29] Mark Wahlberg, Dorchester MA, movie actor (Three Kings, Boogie Nights)/ex-rapper (Good Vibrations)/ex-underwear model
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
Today is “World Environment Day”, as declared annually by the United Nations since 1972. (To honor the occasion, Bob Hope is switching to cloth diapers.)
The ‘National Anxiety Center’ has declared today the 2nd annual “Celebrate the Heat Day”, a day to sooth the public fear generated by what they call the ‘huge hoax of global warming’. (I always found it a handy excuse — “It’s the greenhouse effect, officer. That’s why I’m not wearing pants.”)
ON THIS DAY IN THE ’90S . . .
1997 [03] Leann Rimes releases hit single “How Do I Live”, Backstreet Boys release “Quit Playing Games (with My Heart)”
1998 [02] Steamy TV series “Sex and the City” debuts, starring Sarah Jessica Parker
1999 [01] Andre Agassi celebrates recent divorce from Brooke Shields by winning French Open
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1907 [93] 1st ‘automatic washer & dryer’ (next day, the first sock goes missing)
1977 [23] 1st ‘personal computer’ (Apple II)
1989 [11] 1st MLB game in ‘convertible stadium’ (Milwaukee Brewers beat Blue Jays 5-3 at Toronto’s new Skydome that features retractable roof)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] Clean Air Day Canada
[Wed] Chocolate Ice Cream Day
[June 18] Fathers’ Day
Nursing Assistants Week
Cancer from the Sun Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
WHY IS IT IN THE MOVIES THAT . . .
• All laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.
• If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.
• Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people — whether they are employed or not.
• Caves always have flat floors, and it’s never fully dark.
• If you lose a hand, it causes the stump of your arm to grow 6 inches.
• People talking on the phone never introduce themselves and never ever say ‘good-bye’.
Q: You’re typing away at your computer. Which hand do you use more?
A: If you use a computer correctly, your left hand does 56% of the keyboarding.
THE LAST WORD:
When in doubt, make it sound convincing.
