Thursday, June 1, 2000 Edition: #1820
June is the month of weddings, so here’s a BS look at what would be different . . .
IF MEN WERE IN CHARGE OF WEDDINGS:
• There’d be a “Rehearsal Dinner Kegger” – until the cops showed up.
• Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jean cut-offs and halter tops.
• Tuxes would have team logos on the back.
• Vows would mention ‘cooking’ and ‘sex’ specifically, but omit ‘forsaking all others’ part.
• Two words: ‘Tailgate Receptions’.
• And oh yeah — B.Y.O.B.
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
The Guess Who “Reunion Tour” that launched last night in St John’s is being recorded for a live album and video documentary . . . Tonight the Dixie Chicks’ 5 month, 70 venue “Fly Tour” kicks off in Winnipeg (with a special ‘guest performer’ at each concert, ranging from Willie Nelson to Ricky Skaggs) . . . Speculation is Celine Dion‘s 2 operations of an undisclosed nature in the past few days may have been fertility procedures . . . According to heavy buzz in Hollywood, the new Mrs Billy Bob Thornton, Angelina Jolie, was recently caught doing a bit of the ol’ flesh tango on the set of “Dancing in the Dark” with co-star Antonio Banderas, and Mrs Banderas, Melanie Griffith is said to be livid (time for a divorce pool).
FUTURE FILMS:
Toronto’s David Cronenberg (“Crash”) won’t direct but will act in the upcoming 10th instalment of the “Friday The 13th” series, “Jason X”, playing a professor who returns to Earth with students on a field trip in the year 2455 . . . “M:i-2″ co-star Ving Rhames will play late heavyweight boxing champ Sonny Liston in the upcoming bio-film “Night Train” (today is 35th anniversary of Liston’s loss to Cassius Clay with what’s been dubbed ‘the phantom punch’) . . . The remake of Frank Sinatra’s 1960 ‘Rat Pack’ heist flick “Ocean’s Eleven” may attract even more stars than the original, with George Clooney, Julia Roberts and Brad Pitt already on board and Bruce Willis and Michael Douglas in negotiations.
BS FROM AROUND-THE-WORLD:
• Jan Scheldk of Ghent, Belgium is unrivaled when it comes to sheer volume and power in — flatulence. His efforts are audible up to 100 yds away and at times so powerful they blow holes in his shorts. Poor Jan has tried just about every product available to cure the malady but, so far, no luck. (At least when his wife gets a little cool in the backyard she has a windbreaker.)
• Rio de Janeiro, Brazil is spraying a strong strawberry-scented perfume that’s designed to last 6 months in and around hundreds of the city’s public squares. Why the big stink? To combat the stench left by partying beer swillers who can’t seem to make it home in time for relief. (Seeing a marketing opportunity, Labatt’s is now working on a new export product, ‘John Labatt Peppermint Classic’.)
• There’s a new health fad in India to relieve stress. The therapy? Groups of pent-up people meet each morning and laugh at each other. (Around here we call it “[your show]”.)
• Britain’s Prince Charles is reportedly furious after discovering a case of expensive Lanson champagne has been stolen from his private quarters. Police believe it may have been an inside job. (And are preparing to question Queen Elishabesh).
THE BULL SHEET 06.01.00
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1937 [63] Morgan Freeman, Memphis TN, film actor (Deep Impact, Driving Mrs Daisy)
1947 [53] Ron Wood, London ENG, rock guitarist (Rolling Stones, since ‘75-Anybody Seen My Baby)
1953 [47] Ronnie Dunn, Coleman TX, country singer/guitarist (Brooks & Dunn-You’ll Always Be Loved by Me, My Maria [which topped country chart 4 years ago today])
1956 [44] Lisa Hartman Black, Houston TX, ex-TV actress (Knots Landing, 1979-93)/country singer (this year’s American Country Music Award for ‘Vocal Event of the Year’ went to her & hubby Clint Black for the duet When I Said I Do).
1961 [39] Paul Coffey, Weston ON, highest-scoring defenceman in NHL history (Carolina Hurricanes)
1967 [33] Murray Baron, Prince George BC, NHL defenceman (Vancouver Canucks)
1968 [32] Jeff Hackett, London ON, NHL goalie (Montréal Canadiens)
1974 [26] Alanis Morissette, Ottawa ON, rock singer (You Oughta Know)/Juno Award for ‘Album of the Year’ (Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie)/movie actress (‘God’-Dogma)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• Today is “Nursing Assistants Day”, honoring those dedicated healthcare workers with bedpan hands.
• Today is “Healthcare Executives Appreciation Day”, no doubt started by some healthcare executive who was jealous about “Nursing Assistants Day”.
• Today is “New Year’s Resolution Recommitment Day”, a chance to revisit all those promises you made to yourself New Year’s Day and then promptly forgot by January 3rd.
• Batten down the hatches! “Caribbean & Gulf Hurricane Season” begins today. Forecasters predict there will be 11 tropical storms during the season, producing 7 hurricanes, 3 or more of them major. (With that kind of pinpoint accuracy, you’d think they could let us know when.)
• This week is “International Bathroom Reading Week”, to promote our favorite reading room as the ‘seat of learning’. So what reading material is available in your bathroom?
ON THIS DAY IN THE ’90S . . .
1996 [04] Florida Panthers make it to Stanley Cup final in fewest seasons for expansion club (3)
1996 [04] Celine Dion’s “Because You Loved Me” hits #1 on pop charts
1999 [01] Ricky Martin biography hits bookstores
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1835 [165] Kingston (ON) Penitentiary opens
1938 [62] “Superman” is born on the pages of DC comics, created by Jerry Siegel and Toronto-born artist Joe Shuster
1909 [91] ‘Grey Cup’ donated to Canadian football, by Governor-General Lord Grey
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Fri] National Rocky Road Day
Canadian Safe Kids Week 2000
Accordion Awareness Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
SENIOR STRIPPER:
86-year-old ‘Disco Ernie’ of Terre Haute, Indiana may be the world’s oldest striptease artist. He’s available for bachelorette parties, birthdays or even private one-on-one shows. For a few bucks extra he’ll even pop out his dentures! Great guy to interview – he’s hilarious.
PHONER: 812-232-7897 (Ernie Nasser)
THE LAST WORD: Husbands are like fires — they go out when unattended.
