March 22, 2005

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Tuesday, March 22, 2005        Edition: #2995
Have Another Sheetload!

TODAY “The Matrix Online” debuts, a massive multi-player online game that can be pre-purchased or played for a monthly fee of $15 ( . . . TV’s “The Insider” is on ‘hiatus’ as 57-year-old host Pat O’Brien has entered an intensive alcohol rehab program (these days, this qualifies as ‘marketing & promotion’) . . . In a new “Time” magazine poll, 68% of Americans say the entertainment industry is not in touch with their ‘moral values’ and about a third say the FCC should also police the content of pay TV channels and satellite radio (censorship has always proven a worthy policy throughout history, hasn’t it?)  . . . Ozzy Osbourne says his family has lived in 27 homes over the past 25 years and he’s getting fed up with it (quit bitchin’, dude – you get to own about 10 of ‘em at a time) . . . Actress Ashley Judd is such a big Kentucky Wildcats fan that she’s writing her own weekly college basketball column in a Lexington newspaper during the NCAA tournament . . . Oracle software billionaire Larry Ellison continues to gobble up Malibu CA, buying up music producer/songwriter David Foster’s $17-million estate, which he’ll rent back to Foster while his stepsons Brandon & Brody shoot their FOX-TV reality show – then level the joint! . . . Madonna is reportedly being coached by her Kabbalah advisers that now would be a good time to get back into movie acting (somebody’s been drinking way too much Kabbalah water!) . . . And actress Cybill Shepherd is in talks to play Martha Stewart in a CBS-TV movie, perhaps because she’s experienced – she did it once before in NBC-TV’s bio-film “Martha, Inc”.

• Fantasia Barrino – TODAY she’s on TV’s “Ellen DeGeneres Show”.
• Jennifer Lopez – Asked by Australian radio host Jackie O why she allows fur to be used in her Sweetface clothing line, J-Lo responded, “If someone would like to educate me and bring something to light that I don’t know, that’d be great.” The OZ DJ then went into brutal detail about how foxes are skinned alive and chinchillas are electrocuted.
• Jo Dee Messina – The “My Give a Damn’s Busted” singer will release “Delicious Surprise”, her first CD in 4 years on APRIL 26th.
• Mariah Carey – She’s trying a new look in preparation for the release of her album “The Emancipation of Mimi” NEXT MONTH. After almost 10 years of falling out of outfits showing cleavage, she’ll now be dressed more conservatively in an ‘adult manner’.
• Rod Stewart – Estranged wife Rachel Hunter reportedly went ballistic because she heard Rod was set to wed … from paparazzi following her around. She’s now said to be determined to get as much money as she can out of the pending divorce.
• Terri Clark – Along with fattening her bank account, Daimler-Chrysler has also thanked her for appearing in Dodge truck ads with a brand new truck of her own.
• Velvet Revolver – TONIGHT they launch their arena tour of North America, “Electric Wonderland Show”, in Montréal. Hoobastank will open shows during the west coast leg.

• “Finding Neverland” (Family – DVD/VHS): Johnny Depp portrays real life playwright James M Barrie, author of “Peter Pan”, in the story of his friendship with the sons of a young widow (Kate Winslet). Just as the respected playwright finds his career and marriage crumbling, the young family provides him with both inspiration and a happiness he’s never known. Dustin Hoffman & Julie Christie co-star.
• “Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason” (Comedy – DVD): Renee Zellweger packs the pounds on again to bring back the big-boned British singleton for this sequel to 2001’s “ Bridget Jones’s Diary”. This time she sabotages bliss with her boyfriend (Colin Firth) with hysterical bouts of jealousy and another fling with her womanizing former boss (Hugh Grant). Deja vu all over.
• “Being Julia” (Drama – DVD): Annette Bening earned her 3rd Oscar nomination playing a diva who finds herself bored with her role as the toast of the town in 1930s London and also with her devoted husband (Jeremy Irons) who masterminded her brilliant acting career. But a fling with a handsome young American fan adds a few more sparks than she was hoping for. Adapted from the W Somerset Maugham novel “Theatre”.
• “Fat Albert” (Comedy – DVD/VHS): Bill Cosby’s classic Saturday morning cartoon series “Fat Albert & the Cosby Kids” (1972-79) makes the leap to the bigscreen with live-action actors. Based on Cosby’s stand-up comedy monologues about growing up in a Philadelphia PA neighborhood.

• A 40-year-old man working at a sausage factory in Oslo, Norway has died after – falling into a meat grinding machine! Police say he was killed instantly. (On the upside, Olaf’s Sausage Co is now offering a 2-for-1 deal on their new ‘Bits o’ Bjorn Bratwurst’.)
• In Japan, a new chewing gum has proven a big hit after its makers began promising it will give users – bigger boobs! B2Up says its ‘Bust-Up Gum’, when chewed 3 or 4 times a day, helps enhance the size, shape and tone of breasts. (Yeah, we were skeptical at first too but – think about it – isn’t just about every busty blonde you run into chewing gum?)
• 51-year-old Brisbane, Australia pastor Robert Wright is set to hold weekly fellowship meetings for the faithful – in the nude! Wright, who’s been a ‘naturist’ for 16 years, says he’s not trying to get Christians to become nudists but simply catering to those who ARE nudists. He’s also planning a 3-day ‘naked music festival’ where even the security guards will be starkers. (In his defense, we’re pretty sure Adam & Eve were.)
• A team of 8 sculptors in Taiwan has finally completed work on what they hope will be recognized by the Guinness Records folks as the ‘World’s Largest Penis’. The 8.5 meter-long (25-ft) wooden sculpture weighs 12 tonnes (13.2 tons) and took 6 months to complete. (Maybe they’re just overcompensating for the size of their cars?)

British pet insurer Churchill Corp has crunched numbers and found that the cost of owning a dog is higher than – a luxury vehicle or a cruise around-the-world! In its annual ‘Cost of a Dog’ report, the company estimates it costs an average of $38,000 to own a dog over the course of a 10-year lifetime. The cheapest to maintain is the Jack Russell at $25,000 while the most expensive is the Great Dane, which will set you back circa $50,000. That kind of money would also get you an X-type Jaguar, a Saab 9-5, or an around-the-world cruise on the ‘Queen Elizabeth II’. (Yeah, but when you come home at the end of a tough day … who’s gonna hump your leg?)
– Agence France Presse

Listen up all you people with hi-tech vehicles! Christine Djordjevic of South Haven IN stepped outside one morning LAST WEEK to discover that her car — which she says is ‘possessed’ – had driven itself across the street and crashed into a neighbor’s house. How could that happen? It seems she accidentally bumped the button on her key chain that activates the car’s remote starter. And since the car had been parked in reverse gear, it backed up and didn’t stop until it crashed. The accident caused several thousand dollars to the car and a like amount to the house. (And a whole bunch more once the lawsuit’s filed.)
– “NWI Times”

A group of Swedish beer afficionados has taken it upon themselves to sample and judge some 6,754 brands of beer from 144 countries. No wonder their Website is called ‘’. According to these self-taught experts, Belgium rules the world when it comes to brewing beer, as 3 different Belgian (or would that be ‘Belch’?) beers hold down the top 3 spots in their rankings. The overall winner is ‘Drie Fonteinen Schaarbeekse Kriek’ (good luck ordering one!). Canada’s top beers – ‘Unibroue Quelque Chose 1996′ at #20 and ‘Wellington Imperial Stout’ which ranks #49 on the list. America’s top beers – ‘Samuel Adam’s Millennium’ at #8 and ‘AleSmith Barrel Aged Speedway Stout’ which ranks #15 on the experts’ list.

Hard to believe, but police say many thieves just can’t resist tucking into a snack after breaking into a home, and traces of saliva on food remains can yield a telltale signature of the criminal’s DNA. As part of a study, forensic researchers at National University in La Jolla CA organized a dinner party and used swabs to recover saliva from the leftovers. The best DNA results came from cheese, carrots, apples and pizza. Chocolates, on the other hand, are almost useless for providing samples. (Great news if you’re planning on biting the ears off your little sister’s Easter bunny!).
– “New Scientist”

A team of Italian archaeologists working in Cyprus believes it has discovered the site of an ancient perfume factory from the Bronze Age. The 4,000-year-old perfumery is thought to have manufactured fragrances for export across the Mediterranean. Scientists have reconstituted 12 different perfumes from traces of scents found in clay bottles at the site. So far, they have extracted essences of laurel, cinnamon and myrtle which were likely designed to be mixed with – phew! – olive oil. (Also among the 4,000-year-old perfumes – White Diamonds by Elizabeth Taylor.)
– BBC News

Entrepreneurs in New Delhi, India are cashing in on the latest must-have health cures which are made from – cow urine and dung. Among the products gaining popularity: cow-dung toothpaste, soap and detergents, a skin-whitening cream, a cow urine antiseptic aftershave, plus obesity and baldness cures. (Marketed under the brand name “Gee, Your Hair Smells Crappy!”)

Russian scientist Emil Chaibery, who LAST YEAR introduced the pill to cure hangovers has now gone one step better by creating a pill to help you – get drunk on less alcohol. The ‘RU-21 Red’ is also designed to enhance intoxication and keep you drunk longer, thanks to a grapevine extract which supposedly slows down the oxidation of alcohol. While his hangover pill is now widely available as a ‘natural dietary supplement’, Chiabery says his new creation may be kept under wraps because he doesn’t want to cause social problems. (If you build it, they will party.)
– “Daily Telegraph”

In the past decade, the average age of a Harley Davidson motorcycle owner has risen from 38 to 46.
– “Christian Science Monitor”


1931 [74] William Shatner, Montréal QC, TV actor (‘Denny Crane’-“Boston Legal”, ‘Capt Kirk’-“Star Trek” 1966-1969)/movie actor (“Miss Congeniality”)/ad huckster (Priceline)  COMING UP: “Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous”, opening THURSDAY.

1948 [57] Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber, London UK, composer/producer (Tony Awards for “Phantom of the Opera”, “Cats”/Tony & Oscar Awards for “Evita”)

1948 [57] Wolf Blitzer, Buffalo NY, CNN news anchor (“Wolf Blitzer Reports”)

1952 [53] Bob Costas, Queens NY, NBC-TV sportscaster since 1980/Olympics host/5-time Emmy winner/5-time ‘Sportscaster of the Year’

1972 [33] Elvis Stojko, Richmond Hill ON, 5′-7″ former Canadian Men’s Figure Skating Champ (4 world titles, 2 Olympic silvers)

1976 [29] Reese Witherspoon, Baton Rouge LA, movie actress (“Vanity Fair”, “Legally Blonde 1 & 2″)/Mrs Ryan Phillippe since 1999  COMING UP: Plays June Carter Cash in the Johnny Cash biopic, “Walk the Line”, opening this NOVEMBER..

TODAY is “As Young As You Feel Day”, a day to quit wallowing in worry about your chronological age and start feeling peppy! (Or maybe that’s Pepe?)

TODAY is “International Goof-Off Day”, a day to relax, be yourself and generally just goof off. In other words … just a regular day.

THIS WEEK is “Clutter Awareness Week”, a day to kick off your annual Spring cleaning purge of accumulated ‘stuff’. Ask listeners what is the most unusual ‘stuff’ they’ve never thrown away.

THIS WEEK is “International Chocolate Week”. According to a poll, 52% of us pick ‘chocolate’ as our favorite flavor for desserts and sweet snacks, followed by ‘strawberry’ or ‘vanilla’ at 12%, and ‘cherry’ at 3%.

1981 [24] RCA introduces the ‘Laser Disc Player’ (with discs the size of old LP records) but  “Selectra Vision” fails to catch on (too far ahead of its time?)

1894 [111] 1st Stanley Cup Championship Game as Montréal Amateur Athletic Association defeats Ottawa Capitals 3-1 (oldest championship in professional sports in North America)

1993 [12] 1st ‘Pentium Processor’ for PCs introduced by Intel Corp

1994 [11] 1st NFL scoring change in 75 seasons as addition of ‘2-point conversion’ is announced

1997 [08] USA’s Tara Lipinski becomes youngest-ever ‘Women’s World Figure Skating Champion’ at age 14 years and 10 months

[Wed] Organize Your Home Office Day
[Wed] World Meteorological Day
[Thurs] Purim begins at sundown (Jewish)
[Fri] “Expo 2005″ opens (Aichi, Japan)
[Fri] Good Friday
[Sat] Legal Assistants Day
[Sun] Easter Sunday
[Sun] National Joe Day
[Mon] U2 “Vertigo Tour” begins (San Diego CA)
This Week Is . . . Bubble Blowers Week
This Month Is . . . Financial Security Month


1. Cameron Diaz (acne pockmarks)
2. Michael Douglas (age lines)
3. Britney Spears (puffy face, wrinkle marks)
4. Brad Pitt (acne pockmarks)
5. Jewel (clown-like make-up)
6. Renee Zellweger (cheek rash)
7. William Devane (the “24″ star’s age really shows)
8. Bill Maher (pasty white skin)
9. Jamie Lee-Curtis (crow’s feet)
10. Joan Rivers (you can count stitch marks from various facial surgeries)

Today’s Question: The first of THESE that were edible were made in Germany in the 19th century.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Easter bunnies.

Character is built through many acts but can be lost by only one.


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