Friday, March 18, 2005        Edition: #2993
Ahhhh, Your Daily Bovine Colonic!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
SATURDAY Bruce Willis isn’t going to have a huge 50th birthday party in Vegas after all, but will celebrate ‘quietly’ with family and close friends . . . SATURDAY Usher, Annie Lennox, India Arie and Queen’s Brian May are scheduled to perform at Nelson Mandela’s 2nd “46664 HIV/AIDS Awareness Concert” in George, South Africa, hosted by Will Smith (‘46664′ is Mandela’s former prison number) . . . Stoned-cold rocker Pete Doherty (ex-Libertines) is now saying he’s engaged to on-again/off-again girlfriend, model Kate Moss, insisting they could be wedding soon (how does this loser end up with one of the world’s beautiful women?) . . . Many think one of the highlights of LAST MONTH’s “Grammy Awards” was the duet between Melissa Etheridge & Joss Stone on Janis Joplin’s “Piece of My Heart”; it’s now available on i-Tunes as a cancer charity fundraiser . . . 41-year-old “Sopranos” actress Edie Falco has become a single mom, adopting a baby boy she’s named ‘Anderson’ . . . Oscar-winning Hillary Swank’s next production may be her own – she’s reportedly hot on the idea of starting a family with hubby Chad Lowe . . . NBC-TV has picked up at least 1 more season of “The West Wing”, which will feature a new President played by either Jimmy Smits or Alan Alda . . . “Dawn of the Dead” actor Justin Louis has been cast to play Donald Trump in the upcoming ABC-TV bio-pic “Ambition” (a stunt squirrel is being trained to sleep on his head in order to get the right look) . . . CNN talk show host Larry King has re-upped for close to $7 million-a-year through 2009 (the year he’ll turn 76!) . . . Ex-con Martha Stewart is entitled to be paid back $3.7 million for her legal defense, according to an ‘independent expert’ consulted by her Omnimedia Corp (what ever happened to ‘Go to Jail, Got Directly to Jail, Do Not Pass Go’?).

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Alicia Keys – She’s trying to patch up her relationship with her father, Craig Cook, following years of estrangement. (Coincidentally, TODAY is “Forgive Mom & Dad Day”.)
• Elton John – Seems he’s not finished cleaning house, now axing his publicist Barbara Charone just weeks after dumping his manager Derek MacKillop.
• Gwen Stefani – TOMORROW she’s on NBC-TV’s “Saturday Night Live”.
• Joss Stone – The 17-year-old Brit singer will be the new face of The Gap in a new TV ad campaign that begins in APRIL.
• Keith Urban – He uses his cellphone for songwriting, recording ideas and song snippets which he later plays back into a cassette recorder.
• Kenny Chesney – TONIGHT he does “Tonight Show With Jay Leno”.
• Nelly – SATURDAY he kicks off his “Sweat/Suit: Up Close & Personal Tour” in Cleveland OH.
• Phil Vassar – SATURDAY he’ll sing the anthem and wave the green flag to officially start the “2005 Chevrolet Silverado All-Star Race” at the Atlanta Motor Speedway.
• Robert Palmer – The late “Addicted to Love” rocker has reportedly left 5% of his estate to a Swiss lab which collects and promotes ‘heritage vegetables’, whatever the hell they are.
• Velvet Revolver – SATURDAY they kick off a spring arena tour in Phoenix AZ that will run through late-MAY.

TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
• “Ice Princess” (G-Rated Disney Family Dramady): Michelle Trachtenberg stars as a brainy young high-school girl who uses her knowledge of physics to realize her dream of becoming a champion figure skater. Joan Cusack plays her domineering mother; Kim Cattrall portrays a disgraced former skater who becomes her coach; and Trevor Blumas plays the love interest – a hunky Zamboni driver. To train for the role, Trachtenberg practiced her skating 5 hours a day, 5 days a week for 7 months, but still had to leave the most difficult moves to her stunt double. Partly filmed in Toronto and Millbrook ON.
• “The Ring 2″ (PG-13 Horror Thriller): This sequel to the 2002 film picks up 6 months later, after ‘Rachel’ (Naomi Watts) has moved from Seattle with her son ‘Aidan’ (David Dorfman) to the small coastal community of Astoria OR where they hope to start fresh. Guess what? ‘Samara’ is back! The terror begins all over when evidence at a local crime scene includes a mysterious unmarked videotape.
• “Melinda & Melinda” (Limited Release PG-13 Comedy): Woody Allen’s latest features two alternating stories about ‘Melinda’s’ (Radha Mitchell) attempts to straighten out her life – one a comedy, the other a tragedy. Will Ferrell co-stars. Robert Downey Jr was originally cast but was dropped because the actor’s insurance premium would have been too costly.

HOW TO SPRING CLEAN:
Clearing clutter is a lifelong process because we are constantly bringing home more things that can become clutter. Here are a few tips to help you de-clutter your home … and life –
• Get serious about getting rid of clutter by setting a day and time to start.
• Give yourself a set amount of time to accomplish it.
• Start with something small, like a drawer.
• Do one thing and finish it, then start another.
• Make a ‘To Do’ list and check off each thing you finish.
• Have separate bags or boxes for garbage, giveaways, charity donations and borrowed items.
• Reward yourself with something when you finish your list.
– FengShuiDiva.com

SCIENTISTS SAY:
A BS compendium of recent ‘discoveries’ …
• Scientists say … humor is almost as good as a good whack of insulin. Japanese researchers have observed that after diabetics watch a comedy program, their blood-sugar levels go down. (Yeah, when you’re passing out in a diabetic coma, that’s what you want – “Please … somebody tell me a joke!”)
• Scientists say … eating fish can help depression. The omega-3 fatty acids found in fatty fish like salmon, sardines and tuna seem to help to both treat and prevent depression. (So smile, fish breath!)
• Scientists say … alcohol drinkers are 3.5 times more likely to die from injury than non-drinkers. Booze is a particularly large factor in drownings. (Well duh! If you drink like a fish you can’t expect to swim like one!)

BS AMAZING FACT:
TOMORROW is “Maple Syrup Saturday”, traditionally the unofficial opening of ‘sugaring off’ season. Did you know … or really care … that a maple tree is usually tapped when the tree is at least 45-years-old and has a diameter of at least 12 inches? (Actually, we’re more interested in where you can buy a jug of the stuff for under a grand.)

AND WE QUOTE:
“I hate it. I thought it would be fun. I’m not used to having a boss. I’m the boss. I don’t need the money. I’m filthy [f-ing] rich.”
– Model-turned-designer Kimora Lee Simmons (‘Baby Phat‘ clothing line) telling “Vanity Fair” how much she enjoys co-hosting the syndicated TV show “Life & Style” with Jules Asner.

THE BULL SHEET 03.18.2K5

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1941 [64] Wilson Pickett, Prattville AL, oldies singer (“In the Midnight Hour”, “Mustang Sally”)/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (1991)

1961 [44] Pillsbury Doughboy (aka Poppin‘ Fresh), fat guy/TV huckster

1963 [42] Vanessa Williams, Bronx NY, pop singer (“Save the Best For Last”, “Colors of the Wind”)/movie actress (“Shaft”, “Eraser”)/Broadway actress (“Into the Woods”, “Kiss of the Spider Woman”)/ex-Mrs Rick Fox 1999-2005 (ex-LA Lakers)

1970 [35] Queen Latifah (Dana Owens), East Orange NJ, movie actress (“Taxi”, “Bringing Down the House”)/rapper (Grammy Award-“UNITY”)  FACTOID: ‘Latifah’ is Arabic for ‘delicate and sensitive’.  UP NEXT: The “Barbershop” movie spinoff, “Beauty Shop”, opening MARCH 30th.

SATURDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
Movie/TV actress Glenn Close (“101 Dalmatians”/”The Shield”) is 58; Movie actor Bruce Willis (“Die Hard”) is 50; Rock drummer Zach Lind (Jimmy Eat World) is 29; TV actor Craig Lamar Traylor (“Malcolm in the Middle”) is 16.

SUNDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
Movie actor Carl Reiner (“Ocean’s 11″) is 83; Former Canadian PM Brian Mulroney is 66;
NHL legend Bobby Orr is 57; Movie actor William Hurt (“Broadcast News”) is 55; Movie director Spike Lee (“Malcolm X”) is 48; Movie actress Holly Hunter (“The Piano”) is 47; Pop/folk singer Tracy Chapman (“Fast Car”) is 41; Rock singer Chester Bennington (Linkin Park) is 39.

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is –
• “Supreme Sacrifice Day”. Ask your parents what it’s about … if you’ve got an hour or two to kill.
• “Forgive Mom & Dad Day”. No matter how lousy they were as parents, it’s time to let it go and get on with your life. After all, think of the ‘supreme sacrifice’ they’ve made for you.
• “Awkward Moments Day”, a day to celebrate the humor in life’s uncomfortable
situations. (Which you never see until years later.)

SATURDAY is –
• “The Bering Sea Ice Golf Classic” in Nome, Alaska. (Details in YESTERDAY’s “BS”.)

SUNDAY is –
• “Spring!” It officially arrives in the Northern Hemisphere with the vernal equinox at 7:34 am EST. According to a University of Munich study, warmer spring weather is coming earlier and cooler autumn temps arriving later, extending the growing season by at least 10 days over the past 40 years.
• 21st annual “Great American Meat Out”, the world’s largest and oldest annual grassroots diet education campaign, when we’re encouraged to kick the meat habit at least for a day and explore a wholesome, ‘nonviolent’ diet of fruits, vegetables, and whole grains.
NET: http://www.meatout.org
• “Proposal Day”, when both men and women are encouraged to pop the big question.
• “Teenagers Day”. Woo-hoo! Like every day isn’t.
• “Single Parents Day”, a day to take a break from all your responsibilities and go out and celebrate! (If you can find a sitter, that is.)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1892 [113] Lord Stanley 1st proposes a ‘Silver Challenge Cup for Hockey’ (becomes known as the Stanley Cup)

1931 [74] 1st ‘Electric Razor’, marketed by Schick (and 1st nose-hair becomes hopelessly caught)

1965 [40] 1st ‘Space Walk’ (Aleksei Leonov-USSR)

1966 [39] 1st ‘Paper Dress’ goes on the market, priced at $1 by Scott Paper Co

TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1945 [60] 1st NHLer to score 50 goals in a season (Maurice ‘Rocket’ Richard-Montréal Canadiens)

1981 [24] Buffalo Sabres set NHL record of 9 goals in 1 period (vs Toronto)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Sun] Palm Sunday (Christian)
[Sun] Agriculture Day
[Mon] 25th “Genie Awards”
[Mon] Extraterrestrial Abductions Day
[Mon] International Astrology Day
[Tues] International Goof Off Day
This Week Is . . . International Brain Awareness Week / Severe Weather Awareness Week
This Month Is . . . Craft Month / International Mirth Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS WHYZITS:
• Whyzit as soon as the flight attendant serves the coffee, the plane encounters turbulence?
• Whyzit a boxing ‘ring’ is square?
• Whyzit a carrot is more orange than an ‘orange’?
• Whyzit a women’s prison is sometimes called a ‘penal’ colony?
• Whyzit the word ‘brassiere’ is singular but the word ‘panties’ is plural?
• Whyzit clear is considered a color?
• Whyzit called ‘lipstick’ if you can still move your lips?
• Whyzit considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
• Whyzit that ‘night’ falls but day ‘breaks’?
• Whyzit you must wait until night to ‘call it a day’?

THE MOST-HATED SPORTS
A poll by Sports Marketing Group ranks the most disliked spectator sports …
1. Dog Fighting
2. Professional Wrestling
3. Bullfighting
4. Professional Boxing
5. PGA Tour
6. PGA Seniors
7. LPGA Tour
8. NASCAR
9. Major League Soccer
10. ATP Men’s Tennis
– Associated Press

BS BLATANT JOKE:
A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband  “I look, horrible, fat and ugly … please pay me a compliment?” The husband replies, “Well, your eyesight’s still good.”

BS DEFINITIONS OF A BACHELOR:
• Someone who can’t be ‘spouse-broken’.
• Someone who can get into bed from either side.
• Someone who can go fishing anytime, until he gets hooked.
• Someone who is not missing anything in life except a few buttons on his shirt.
• Someone who never makes the same mistake once.
– Thanks to HO-FM Hobart, Australia

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: 5% of women say they are members of THIS club.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: The ‘Mile High Club’.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
“Success is a great deodorant.”
– Elizabeth Taylor