March 17, 2005

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Thursday, March 17, 2005        Edition: #2992
Top O’ The Bull To You!

What a shock! Ashton Kutcher is denying those sleazy tabloid reports that Demi Moore is pregnant with his child (apparently it’s Fez’s) . . . Meantime, Kutcher says he’s hired Brad Pitt’s personal trainer after watching Pitt’s well-chiseled bod’ in “Troy” (dude, why don’t you hire his acting coach, too?) . . . Since “Sex & the City” ended LAST YEAR, Sarah Jessica Parker has made close to $40 million in ad campaigns, according to “Grazia” magazine . . . In order to encourage those who are down-and-out to buy its anti-depressants, pharmaceutical giant Pfizer has signed up actress Lorraine Bracco – the psychiatrist on “The Sopranos” (drug dealing that’s unfortunately still legal) . . . In her upcoming autobiography, aging actress Jane Fonda will reportedly reveal that she was forced into threesomes by ‘cruel’ ex-husband, “Barbarella” director Roger Vadim” . . . Michael Jackson’s publicity flak claims MJ’s been starting each trial day by praying on the phone with Rev Jesse Jackson (“Oh Lord, please don’t let me molest nobody today …”) . . . The rep also claims that despite the trial, there are still over 1,000 requests a month from organizations wanting to take children to Neverland Ranch (what’s second choice – Baghdad?) . . . THIS WEEK Italian Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone claimed on Vatican Radio that the success of Dan Brown’s top-selling novel “The Da Vinci Code” is proof of ‘anti-Catholic prejudice’ (over 100 weeks on the best-seller list and someone at the Vatican finally noticed it!) . . . One of the Internet rumors on why Mario Vazquez quit “American Idol” – homophobia . . . On-and-off Hollywood couple Orlando Bloom & Kate Bosworth are reportedly back on again (teen girls weep!).

• Ashanti – TONIGHT she’s on “Tonight Show With Jay Leno”.
• Christina Milian – TODAY she does TV’s syndicated “Ellen DeGeneres Show”.
• Justin Timberlake – He’s teaming up with Atlantic Records to launch his own as-yet-unnamed record label.
• Shania Twain – An environmental group is protesting her plan to build a multi-million-dollar home on the sheep station she & hubby Mutt Lange have leased near Wanaka, New Zealand.

Irish actor/director Kenneth Branagh is set to make his 5th bigscreen adaptation of Bill Shakespeare’s plays, “As You Like It”, which will star Kevin Kline . . . “Miami Vice” director Michael Mann says he’s prepared for whatever trouble Colin Farrell and Jamie Foxx get into when shooting begins NEXT MONTH on the movie version of the ‘80s TV show, but still worries he’ll need more budget – for a bail bondsman . . . Bruce Willis will next play a doctor with psychic powers who tries to help catch a serial killer in “Solace” (sort of a ‘big’ version of TV’s “Medium”) . . . Oscar-winning Hilary Swank has signed to star in “The Reaping” as an expert called into a small town where numerous plagues have struck . . . And Dustin Hoffman & Alan Rickman are set to co-star in “Perfume: The Story of a Murderer”, an 18th-century tale about a Parisian perfume-maker who seeks to bottle the scent of a beautiful young virgin (good luck finding someone to play that role in Hollywood!).

• A new hotel is coming to Siberia with a special parking lot for – reindeer. The inn, in the north Russian city of Nadym, will open in time for a major annual sports competition that includes – what else? – reindeer racing. (‘Prancer’ won’t be competing – he’s more into interior design.)
• Finnish designer Jussi Aro has invented a battery-powered tunic for dogs that sends 1,000 volts through anyone who tampers with it while the pet feels no pain whatsoever. What the hell for?  Each year, as many as 30 dogs are killed by wolves in Finland, but  a predatory wolf biting into Aro’s gizmo would find it a truly shocking experience. (The word is already passing among wolf packs …. go for the legs, guys!)
• A Chinese man named Zhan has lifted a 165-pound barbell for 10 seconds – with his penis. The 55-year-old from Harbin City says the unusual skill runs in his family. His dad taught him how to do it when he was 18. (“Here son, let me show ya how to ring the doorbell when your hands are full.”)
• Thieves in Germany have broken into a warehouse in the town of Steinfurt and made off with 200 fully-loaded – chewing-gum machines. The machines and their contents are worth more than $13,000. (Call out the gumshoes!)

LAST YEAR, for the first time in 20 years, PG-rated movies grossed more than R-rated films.
– National Association of Theater Owners

• “We could think of a few people who know more about our pain and suffering and history.”
– R&B legends the O’Jays telling “People” mag they’d have preferred to be inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame by someone other than Justin Timberlake.
• “The Big Guy speaks through me a lot when I write, and I have a song for 50 Cent I wrote in the Holy Land. I feel like it’s a personal letter to 50 from God, so I’m going to give it to him personally and see what his reaction is.”
– Newly-baptized ex-Korn guitarist-turned-Christian rocker Brian ‘Head’ Welch telling about his apparent hotline to heaven … or perhaps his desire to get to heaven quicker.

1951 [54] Kurt Russell, Springfield MA, movie actor (“Miracle”, “Executive Decision”)/Goldie Hawn’s partner since 1983/Kate Hudson’s stepfather

1955 [50] Gary Sinise, Blue Island IL, TV actor (‘Detective Mac Taylor’ on “CSI: NY” since 2004)/movie actor (Oscar nomination-“Forrest Gump”)

1964 [41] Rob Lowe, Charlottesville VA, ex-TV actor (failed with series “Dr Vegas” and “The Lyon’s Den” since “The West Wing” 1999-2003)/movie actor (“Austin Powers 1-3″)

1967 [38] Billy Corgan, Chicago IL, rock singer/guitarist (Zwan, ex-Smashing Pumpkins-“1979″)

1972 [33] (Melissa) Auf der Maur, Montréal QC, rock singer/bassist (“Followed The Waves”, formerly with Smashing Pumpkins and Hole)

1968 [37] Mathew St Patrick (yep, that’s his real name – what a co-inky-dink, eh?), Philadelphia PA, TV actor (gay police officer ‘Keith Charles’ on “Six Feet Under” since 2001)

1973 [32] Caroline Corr, Dundalk, Ireland, pop/Celtic singer (The Corrs-“Breathless”, “Runaway”)

TODAY is “St Patrick’s Day”, the Irish national holiday that began as a ‘solemn religious observance’ to honor St Patrick (389-461 AD), patron saint of Ireland. Some interesting facts …
• It’s been an Irish holiday for 1,500 years, first celebrated in Canada in 1765 in Québec City.
the first US celebrations were in Boston by the ‘Charitable Irish Society’ in 1737 and at NYC’s Crown & Thistle Tavern in 1756.
• The world’s largest “St Patrick’s Parade” is in NYC where more than a million spectators and over 100,000 participants are expected. A tradition since 1762, the 2-mile parade lasts about 6 hours.
• In his new book “Secret Sights II: Unknown Medieval Ireland”, historian Rob Vance claims Patrick may not have been as much of a ‘saint’ as popularly believed. He accepted land and jewels against the church’s wishes to fuel his 5th-century evangelizing mission and paid tributes to pagan chiefs to woo them to Christianity. Oh, and that claptrap about St Paddy driving the snakes from Ireland? Forget it – historians say there has never been any snakes there.
• Green is associated with St Patrick’s Day because it’s the color of Spring, Ireland and the shamrock.

TODAY is “Submarine Day”. Here’s what the sub ingredients you choose reveal about your personality, according to a psychologist hired by the Subway chain …
• Mayonnaise – You are family-oriented with strong nesting instincts. (In other words, too fat for the single life.)
• Roast Beef – You tend to link love with sex. (That’s why you’re on the ‘meat market’.)
• Tuna – You are an ambitious go-getter who is constantly seeking promotion. (Ya little stinker.)
• Turkey — The choice of stable people who like job security. (Like that turkey boss you have.)
• Fish – The choice of true romantics. (Yeah, there’s just nothing more romantic than taking your date for a Filet o’ Fish at McDonald’s.)
(Others they missed – Ham, the choice of lousy comedians; Pickle, for people who take chances and incur difficulty; Pork, the choice of politicians.)

TODAY is also –
• “World Maritime Day”
• “Clean Your Closet Day”

SATURDAY the 23rd annual “Bering Sea Ice Golf Classic” tees off in Nome, Alaska, one of the strangest annual events in ‘adventure golf’. Participants attempt to sink bright orange balls into flagged coffee cans  sunk into the frozen sea on a 6 hole course. Par is 41. Entry fee includes golf balls, tees (old shotgun shells), snake bite remedies (small bottles of vodka) and an official certificate proving you survived. This classic has some extra guidelines …
– You must use a caddie, preferably a sled dog with a taste for Budweiser.
– Snow and ice divots do not have to be replaced.
– Beware of crab fishing holes and blowing snow.
– If your ball hits a polar bear, you lose 3 strokes. If you get the ball back from the bear, 5 strokes will be subtracted from your score.
– No swimming.
PHONER: 907.443.2645 (Bering Sea Lion’s Club)

1845 [160] Stephen Perry of London UK patents the ‘Elastic Band’ (next day, the 1st schoolboy gets one flicked in the eye)

[Fri] Supreme Sacrifice Day
[Fri] Forgive Mom & Dad Day
[Sat] Maple Syrup Saturday
[Sat] 2nd AIDS/HIV Awareness Concert (South Africa)
[Sun] Spring begins (7:34 am EST)
[Sun] Great American Meat Out
[Sun] Proposal Day
[Mon] 25th “Genie Awards”
[Mon] Snowman Burning Day
[Mon] Children’s Poetry Day (record kids reading rap lyrics)
This Week Is . . . Safe Place Week / Pulmonary Rehabilitation Week
This Month Is . . . Ghostwriters Month / Frozen Food Month


“Gee, food sure tastes good when you boil it!”
“You have the right to remain silent … “
“May your blessings outnumber the shamrocks that grow and may trouble avoid you wherever you go … awww ya jughead, not all over my shoes!”
“Hey, that bloke’s not wearing green – kill him!”
“You’ll get your personal effects back at the police station, Monsignor.”

THIS WEEK the musical “Monty Pythons Spamalot” opened on Broadway, written by former Python trouper Eric Idle and starring David Hyde Pearce, Tim Curry & Hank Azaria. The show, which will likely revive popular interest in Monty Python if not Spam, has a truly fantastic Website full of lots of goodies including the “Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam” theme song.

Your phone contestant or studio guest supplies the following items which you write down. During a commercial break or music, use their suggestions to fill in the blanks and complete the story. Then, read it back on-air. If you wanna get really fancy, record and play back their actual responses as you read the story.
1. A revealing piece of lingerie.
2. A non-fatal sexually-transmitted disease.
3. A brand of mouthwash.
4. Something you might name your cat.
5. A famous wrestler.
6. A Middle East capital.
7. A place you escape from.
8. A brand and grade of gasoline.
9. Your favorite TV show.
10. A euphemism for feces.
And here’s today’s story …
Last year on St Patrick’s Day [co-host] decided to celebrate in style, so he dressed up in his favorite green [1] and headed down to the local Irish pub, a wee place called “The Harp and [2]”. Wanting to prove what a burly Irishman he was at heart, in a bold voice he demanded from the bartender, “Give me a [3] … and make it a double!” Several gallons later, he led the entire pub in a rousing rendition of that old Irish standard, “O [4] Boy.” There wasn’t a dry eye in the house. “You must be Irish”, said the bartender. “Well sure,” said [co-host], “My great aunt [5] on me father’s side was born in [6] in county [7]. Before crawling home, [co-host] decided to make one last toast. So he hoisted his mug of green [8] high in the air and said, “May your soul already be in heaven an hour before [9].” “Ah,” said the bartender, “There’s a wee bit of [10] in all of us.”

Are the following celebs Irish [as in born in Ireland] or not? A timely St Paddy’s Day quiz …
• U2’s Bono. [Irish, born in Dublin.]
• U2’s The Edge. [Not. Born in Barking, England.]
• ‘90s pop singer Sinead O’Connor [Irish, born in Dublin.]
• Movie actor Gabriel Byrne. [Irish, born in Dublin.]
• Late movie-actress-turned-princess Grace Kelly. [Not. Born in Philadelphia.]
• Future “Tonight Show” host Conan O’Brien. [Not. Born in Brookline MA.]
• “Kinsey” actor Liam Neeson. [Irish, born in Ballymena, Northern Ireland]
• Pop-rock group The Cranberries. [Irish, originally from Limerick.]
• Hell-raising movie actor Colin Farrell.  [Irish, born in Dublin.]
• “Canadian Idol” host Ben Mulroney. [Not. Born in Montréal.]
• St Patrick [Not. Born in Wales]

• Irish Coffee is the perfect breakfast, it contains all 4 adult food groups: fat, sugar, caffeine and alcohol.
• If idiots could fly, this would be an airport.

Today’s Question: THIS fictional character, created by an Irish writer, has been portrayed the most number of times in horror films.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: ‘Count Dracula’, created Bram Stoker (1847–1912). The Count (or his immediate descendants) has appeared in 162 movies.

A drink precedes a story.
– Irish Proverb


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