Tuesday, March 15, 2005 Edition: #2990
Beware the Ides of Bull!
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
UPN is developing a comedy pilot called “Everybody Hates Chris”, based on the childhood experiences of Chris Rock (sort of the opposite of “Everyone Loves Raymond”) . . . Isn’t it strange that “American Idol” final-12 contestant Mario Vazquez says he dropped out for an unspecified ‘personal family thing’ but his own mother has no idea what he’s talking about? . . . Online betting site Sportsbook.com has ceased taking bets on the pre-taped “Amazing Race 7″ due to a significant increase in maximum bets placed on one particular team, meaning the winners either leaked info or are betting on themselves (we won’t wreck the show by telling you whom) . . . Martha Stewart’s ‘going home outfit’ included a poncho handmade by a fellow prison inmate, which is now inspiring a number of copycat knock-offs and patterns for knitters (thank goodness she didn’t wear shoulder pads!) . . . Christina Applegate has broken a foot during rehearsals for the revival of “Sweet Charity”, but she’s expected to be ready to hit the boards once the road show hits Broadway (it’s break a LEG not foot, dummy!) . . . Oscar-winning actress Hilary Swank is being fined $150 for bringing an apple and an orange into New Zealand, which bans the importation of fruit (she’ll reportedly fight the fine) . . . And children’s author Geraldine McCaughrean (pronounced ‘McCorkran’) has beaten out more than 100 other writers for the chance to write the authorized sequel to JM Barrie’s classic “Peter Pan” – “Captain Pan” – which will also feature ‘Tinkerbell’, ‘Wendy’, ‘Captain Hook’ et al (such sacrilege!).
BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Eagles – TODAY their “Eagles Box” is out, a 9-disc set that includes each of their 7 albums from 1972-1980. The $130-set is limited to 20,000 copies and features original album art and posters.
• Kelly Clarkson – TODAY she’s appearing on both NBC-TV’s “Today Show” and “Live With Regis & Kelly”. Better run, girl!
• Selena – TODAY “Selena Live: The Last Concert”, filmed at Houston’s Astrodome, makes its CD and DVD debut 10 years after the Tejano star was murdered.
• Shania Twain – TONIGHT she appears on CNN’s “Larry King Live”.
• Sum 41 – TONIGHT they do “Late Night With Conan O’Brien”.
• Tim McGraw – He plays a sheriff in the new limited-release movie “Black Cloud”, which was actually filmed before “Friday Night Lights”, so is therefore his first official acting role.
TODAY’S VIDEO RELEASES:
• “The Incredibles” (Animated Family Adventure – DVD/VHS): This Disney/Pixar collaboration follows the adventures of a family of former superheroes who are trying to live the quiet suburban life but are forced back into action to save the world. Features voices by Craig T Nelson, Holly Hunter & Samuel L Jackson. Racked up an incredible $628 million in worldwide box office.
• “Alfie” (Dramedy – DVD): In this remake of the 1966 film that introduced a then-young Michael Caine, Jude Law plays the title role of a cockney womanizer. In this version, ‘Alfie’ works as a limo driver in Manhattan where he hopes to both make his fortune and make love to as many beautiful women as possible. Co-stars Law’s real-life girlfriend Sienna Miller, Jane Krakowski, Marisa Tomei & Susan Sarandon. The title tune “Alfie” is sung by Joss Stone.
• “End of the Century: The Story of the Ramones” (Rock Documentary – DVD): A portrait of the seminal punk band the Ramones, a group of pseudo-brothers who were actually a bunch of misfits from Queens NY. The film’s title refers to their 1980 album of the same name, produced by the infamous Phil Spector.
• “NASCAR: The IMAX Experience” (Documentary – DVD): Shot at NASCAR races throughout the 2003 season, the film features a driver’s seat point-of-view of the 200 mph, bumper-to-bumper action. Narrated by Kiefer Sutherland. Especially effective if you happen to have an IMAX screen in your rec room.
A new ‘scientific’ paper entitled “Effect of Hydration & Vocal Rest on the Vocal Fatigue in Amateur Karaoke Singers” details a series of experiments which came to the stunning conclusion that – drinking water while at a karoake bar will help keep your throat in singing shape for a few extra hours. Meanwhile, researcher Wolter Seuntjens has wasted his waking hours systematically studying all available knowledge about yawning, and concluded that ‘yawning is extremely complex and significant behavior that appears to have an erotic side’. He’ll publish a book on the subject called “On Yawning: The Hidden Sexuality of the Human Yawn”. (The good news is – it was Dutch tax money that got blown on this!)
– “Annals of Improbable Research”
A STUDENT OF THE LAW:
23-year-old British journalism student Richard Smith is planning a bizarre crime spree across the USA during which he’ll attempt to break 40 of the strangest state and town laws. His inspiration came when he heard there’s a Florida law which prohibits widows from parachuting on Sundays. After a bit of research, he compiled a list of his favorite stupid laws and hopes his 18,000-mile trek to break them will create enough material for a book and perhaps interest from a TV network. Among the odd laws he intends to flagrantly break …
• No falling asleep in a cheese factory (South Dakota)
• No playing cards against a Native American (Globe AZ)
• No saying “Oh boy!” (Jonesborough GA)
• No playing golf in the street (Albany NY)
• No giving lighted cigars to dogs and/or cats (Zion IL)
• No being seen wearing a strapless gown (Miami FL)
– “London Times”
FLUSHING TREES DOWN THE TOILET:
Wang Yuiqin (yee-GEEN), an executive with the Shanghai Paper Trade Association, warns that rapid deforestation will soon destroy what’s left of China’s pulp industry if current usage continues. The big problem? Too much TP! The 140,000 tons of toilet paper the city of Shanghai uses annually consumes some 80,000 tons of pulp, equal to about 300,000 tons of wood. Wang says his group is encouraging the ‘application of new materials and technologies’. (Dude, go to France. It’s called the ‘bidet’.)
BS AMAZING FACT:
In every deck of playing cards the King of Hearts is sticking his sword through his head. That’s why he’s often called the ‘Suicide King’.
THE BULL SHEET 03.15.2K5
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1943  David Cronenberg, Toronto ON, filmmaker (“eXistenZ”, “The Fly”)
1968  Mark McGrath, Hartford CT, pop singer (w/Shania Twain-“Party for Two”, Sugar Ray-“Every Morning”)/TV anchor (“Extra!” since 2004)
1972  Mark Hoppus, Ridgecrest CA, rock musician (now defunct Blink 182-“I Miss You”, “What’s My Age Again?”)
1975  Darcy Tucker, Castor AB, NHL center (Toronto Maple Leafs)
1977  Joe Hahn, Glendale CA, nu metal DJ (Linkin Park-“Numb”, “In the End”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY through Apr 4th is the annual “NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament” nicknamed “March Madness”. Regional playoffs will be held in Austin TX, Chicago IL, Syracuse NY & Albuquerque NM. The Final Four and championship game will be played in St Louis MO.
TODAY is the “Ides of March”, when Julius Caesar was assassinated in 44 BC. It’s also the tongue-in-cheek observance “National Brutus Day”, recognizing the fact that no matter where you work, there’s as much backstabbing, plotting and intrigue as there was back in ancient Rome. The word ‘ides’ simply means ‘middle’, so we can have the Ides of May, the Ides of July, or even the Ides of a Mars bar. There’s nothing unlucky about it – unless you’re name happens to be Caesar.
TODAY is “Absolutely Incredible Kid Day”, when we’re encouraged to tell our kids how great they are. Sounds corny, but do it! It’s a helluva investment in the future.
TODAY is “True Confessions Day”, a good day to open up the ‘Morning Crew Confessional’ where anonymous callers shed their guilt by admitting their outrageous actions. You can even assign penance!
TODAY is “Buzzard’s Day”, traditionally the day that the buzzards return to Hinckley OH, yet another sign of impending spring.
THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1964  1st marriage of actors Elizabeth Taylor & Richard Burton, in Montréal (her 5th)
TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1999  Bruce Springsteen, Paul McCartney & Billy Joel are inducted into the “Rock & Roll Hall of Fame”
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1869  Cincinnati Red Stockings become 1st ‘pro baseball team’
1892  1st ‘escalator’, the ‘Reno Inclined Elevator’ (next day, 1st user is strangled by long scarf)
1999  1st time Dow Jones Average tops 10,000-point threshold
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1952  ‘Greatest Precipitation in 24 Hours’ is set with 1869.9 mm (73.62 ins) falling at Cilaos, La Reunion Island in the Indian Ocean
1997  1st American hockey player to score 500 NHL goals (Joe Mullen-Pittsburgh Penguins)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] Lips Appreciation Day
[Thurs] St Patrick’s Day
[Thurs] Clean Your Closet Day (that could take a week)
[Fri] Supreme Sacrifice Day (is this going to involve a long diatribe from your parents?)
[Sat] 2nd AIDS Awareness Concert (South Africa)
[Sun] Great American Meat Out
[Sun] Palm Sunday (Christian)
[Sun] Spring begins (7:34 am EST)
[Sun] Single Parents Day
This Week Is . . . Pulmonary Rehabilitation Week (“Clear!” ZAP!)
This Month Is . . . Humorists Are Artists Month (and this morning’s show is your masterpiece!)
BULL’S BITS . . .
WORST BS FORTUNE COOKIES:
• “If a man slaps you in the face, turn the other cheek and shoot him.”
• “You have many unique talents, none of which are marketable.”
• “Have you put on weight?”
• “Two words, loser: Nose job.”
• “The Sun rises in the East and beats your ass.”
• “If a pigeon poops on you, do not blame the pigeon, blame the poop.”
• “Your winning smile will get you nowhere, loser.”
• “You will break it; you will buy it.”
• “Ancient Chinese secret: You’re screwed.”
• “Be decisive. Maybe. If you want to.”
• “You’ve got something in your teeth, loser.”
BS PHONE STARTERS:
• Which TV show is the first you remember watching?
• What would you like to be famous for?
• You have the power to let off one of the following music figures currently in court – Michael Jackson, Lil’ Kim or Phil Spector. Who do you pick and why?
ST PATRICK’S WEEK QUIZ:
• Is it legal for an Irishman to beat his ‘bodhran’ (bow-RAWN) in public? [Sure. It’s the traditional sheepskin drum of Ireland.]
• What invention did 6th-century Irish monks call ‘The Water of Life’? [Irish Whiskey.]
• What supposedly happens when you kiss the ‘Blarney Stone’ when visiting Ireland? [You acquire the ‘gift of the gab’.]
• You’re Irish and you’ve just lost your ‘Companion for Life’. What is it that you’ve misplaced? [Your shillelagh (shi-LAY-lee) or walking stick. Made of tough blackthorn, they rarely wear out.]
• True or false? Ireland’s patron St Patrick wasn’t actually Irish. [True. He was actually born in Wales, then later captured and sent to Ireland as a slave.]
• What’s the official emblem of Ireland – the shamrock, the shillelagh or the harp? [The harp.]
• What do you listen for when tracking a leprechaun? [The sound of his shoemaker’s hammer.]
• What Irish landmark is the White House modelled after? [The Irish House of Parliament in Dublin.]
• What kind of plant is a shamrock? [It’s actually a weed from the clover family.]
– Irish Tourist Board
BS BLATANT JOKES:
• I got sucked into a menswear store that was advertising 4 suits for a dollar. They sold me a deck of cards.
• What has 8 arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching March Madness.
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Almost two-thirds of us say we’ve befriended someone because of having THIS in common.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Pets.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
If you don’t go to people’s funerals, they won’t come to yours.