March 31, 2004

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Wednesday, March 31, 2004        Edition: #2757
Either Sheet or Get Off the Air!

TODAY comedian-turned-political commentator Al Franken anchors the launch of ‘Air America’, a new liberal radio network aiming to do battle with right wing radio hosts like Rush Limbaugh & G Gordon Liddy . . . Hope you like old cheese: Jay Leno has a new contract to continue hosting “The Tonight Show” through 2009 – at an estimated $25 to $27-million per year . . . 34-year-old “Friends” actor Matthew Perry admits he was consuming a quart of vodka and handfuls of Vicodin painkillers daily while struggling to accept that the show is ending, but his co-stars encouraged him to go back to AA where he’s vowed to finally beat his addictions . . .  Brad Pitt will do a guest appearance on “Will and Grace” – playing – what else? – a movie star . . . “Harry Potter” actor Daniel Radcliffe has replaced singer Charlotte Church as the UK’s 2nd-richest teenager and will soon surpass the reported $25-million fortune of the #1 Brit teen – the royal family’s Prince Harry . . . Dan Rather’s heir apparent as CBS-TV news anchor, ex-MuchMusic VJ John Roberts, has separated from his Toronto high-school sweetheart wife Michelle and is dating a leggy, blond news producer by the name of Jennifer Niejadlik . . . And this is life in the world of celebs – a South Beach ‘party promoter’ phoned Miami nightclub Mynt and demanded $2,000 cash in return for delivering Britney Spears and her entourage to the club following her live Showtime concert SUNDAY – but the club passed (excruciatingly good taste on their part).

• Janet Jackson – THIS MORNING she’s performing songs from her new  “Damita Jo” album at a free, outdoor concert in NYC’s Battery Park that’s airing on “Good Morning America”.
• Britney Spears – She’s reportedly gone back to her roots … a more natural shade of brunette.
• Alanis Morissette – She’s been ordained as a licensed minister of some unknown variety and says she’d like to marry some of her gay couple friends.
• Jennifer Lopez – She’ll attend Nickelodeon’s “Kids Choice Awards” THIS WEEKEND in a carefully-crafted attempt to show her ‘softer, funnier side’. Word is she’ll be the target of a bucket of slime.
• James Brown – He’ll be able to perform in New Zealand since the government has granted him a ‘special visa’ despite a criminal record that would normally bar him from entry.
• Michael Jackson – He’s being given a ‘Humanitarian Award’ for his charitable contributions from the “African Ambassadors’ Spouses Association” at a dinner in Washington DC.
• Usher – TONIGHT he’s on “Late Night With Conan O’Brien”.
• Avril Lavigne – Her second album, due MAY 25th, includes material she worked on with fellow Canadian singer Chantal Kreviazuk.

“School of Rock” star Jack Black has signed up for director Peter Jackson’s remake of “King Kong” – no, not as the big monkey – as a showman trying to make a name for himself in 1930s New York . . . Jennifer Aniston will star in “Gambit”, a remake of a 1966 caper about a British thief and a beautiful woman that starred Michael Caine & Shirley Maclaine . . . Chris Tucker is developing “Money Talks 2″, a sequel to the action-comedy that made him a star . . . Nicole Kidman & Jennifer Lopez will star in “American Darlings”, a big band-era story about a white female swing band that joins forces with a group of black and Hispanic musicians . . . “The Green Mile” director Frank Darabont will write “Mission: Impossible 3”, which will presumably once again star Tom Cruise . . . Development has been stepped up to make “The Love Boat” the next ’70s TV series to hit the bigscreen . . . “X-Men” director Bryan Singer will direct a remake of “Logan’s Run”, the  1976 sci-fi flick about a man in a Utopian society of youth trying to escape a mandatory death sentence on his 21st birthday . . . And Keanu Reeves will next star in “A Scanner Darkly”, a thriller about futuristic undercover agents (well, that would be totally different than “The Matrix” because … er … um …).

New terms leaking into the lingo –
• ‘Duppie’ – A ‘Depressed Urban Professional’ stuck in a meaningless job.
• ‘Mucus Trooper’ – A sick employee who insists on coming in to work.
• ‘Butt Call’ – An unintended call that’s accidentally made by sitting on your cell phone.

A compendium of recent ‘discoveries’ …
• Scientists say … a pregnancy’s duration is actually determined at conception. (Does that mean if the father’s a bit ‘early’, the baby will be too?)
• Scientists say … sex stimulates the brain and makes people more intelligent, according to Germany’s Hamburg Medical Research Institute. (Yeah … just look at Courtney Love.)
• Scientists say … there’s evidence of methane gas on Mars, according to researchers monitoring the European Space Agency orbiter ‘Mars Express’. (Cool! Alien farts!)
• Scientists say … women have a better memory for detail than men, according to a research study by the University of Florida. (Like every time you came home late in the past 10 years.)
• Scientists say … an enzyme extracted from Florida cottonmouth snake venom appears to help launder out stubborn blood stains on clothing. (“The bad news is you’re gonna die from the snakebite. The good news is … I think we can get your jeans clean after.”)

Time to get a little more creative, isn’t it?
• 47% … Lost it.
• 26% … Accidentally threw it away.
• 24% … Spilled something on it.
• 13% … A sibling ripped it up.
• 11% … The dog ate it.
– Newly-released Lexmark survey.

In a recent office survey, the most common reasons to get a day off to seek employment elsewhere were ‘being sick’ and ‘having a doctor’s appointment’. Coincidently, these are also the excuses most likely to draw a boss’s attention. Others that are hard-to-believe – 10% of employers become suspicious of the old ‘death of a family member’ excuse, and 5% don’t believe the ‘dental appointment’ excuse.  
– Fish4jobs survey.

• “I am.” is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
• The top 3 products for coupon redemption are breakfast cereal, soap and deodorant.
• In the average household, the fridge is opened 20 times per day. (That sound about right, Porky?)


1928 [76] Gordie Howe, Floral SK, Hall of Fame hockey legend (Detroit Red Wings)/1767 games in 26 seasons/6-time NHL MVP

1943 [61] Christopher Walken, Queens NY, movie actor (“The Rundown” “Catch Me If You Can”, Oscar-“The Deer Hunter”)  FACTOID: He’s in 5 movies that are coming out THIS YEAR.

1959 [45] Angus Young, Glasgow SCOT, short-panted rock guitarist (AC/DC-“Thunderstruck”, “Highway to Hell”)/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (2003)

1971 [33] Ewan McGregor, Crieff SCOT, movie actor (“Big Fish”, “Star Wars Episodes 1-3″)

1976 [28] Colin Farrell, Dublin IRE, wildman movie actor (“SWAT”, “Veronica Guerin”)/sometime Britney Spears boytoy  COMING UP: Has the lead role in Oliver Stone’s historical epic “Alexander”, opening NOVEMBER 5th.

TODAY is “Bunsen Burner Day”, honoring the 1811 birth date of its inventor, Robert Wilhelm Eberhard von Bunsen of Germany. (Thanks to him several hundred high school chemistry labs have been blown up!)

TODAY is “National Clams on the Half Shell Day”. (Tonight is ‘Pass the Fear Factor Bucket Night’.)

1994 [10] Madonna uses the ‘F-word’ 13 times on “Late Show With David Letterman”

1999 [05] “The Matrix” starring Keanu Reeves opens in movie theaters

1889 [115] World’s tallest structure, the ‘Eiffel Tower’, officially opens for the “Paris Exhibition” (previously, the tallest man-made structure for a period of about 5 years was the Washington Monument in Washington DC)

1918 [86] 1st ‘Daylight Saving Time’ (set those clocks forward this coming SUNDAY at 2am)

1949 [55] Newfoundland officially joins Confederation to become Canada’s 10th province (bringing us cod tongues, figgy duff and a wonderful sense of humor!)

1923 [81] 1st ‘dance marathon’ (Alma Cummings sets endurance record of 27 hrs in NYC)

1932 [72] 1st ‘V-8’ engine (Ford Motor Co)

1990 [14] 1st NHL player to score 100 points in a season with a last-place team (Quebec Nordiques’ Joe Sakic, who also becomes the youngest player to do it, at age 20)

1997 [07] Martina Hingis becomes youngest-ever #1-ranked women’s tennis player at age 16

[Apr 1] April Fool’s Day / Fun At Work Day / One Cent Day / Repot Your Plant Day
[Apr 2] “Walking Tall” & “Hellboy” open in movie theaters / International Children’s Book Day / Reconciliation Day / Equal Pay Day / Peanut Butter & Jelly Day
[Apr 2-4] Alcohol Free Weekend
[Apr 3-5] NCAA Final Four Basketball Tournament (San Antonio TX)
[Apr 3] 17th Kids’ Choice Awards / Armenian Appreciation Day / Don’t Go To Work Unless It’s Fun Day
[Apr 4] 2004 Juno Awards (Edmonton) / Palm Sunday / Daylight Saving Time begins (‘Spring forward’ @ 2 am) / Check Your Batteries Day / Tell-A-Lie Day
[Apr 5] Passover begins at sundown / National Equal Pay Day / National Road Map Day / Full ‘Pink’ Moon
[Apr 6] William Hung CD released / Plan Your Epitaph Day
[Apr 7] “The Bachelor” premieres on ABC-TV / Tartan Day / Hug Your Newsman Day / No Housework Day / World Health Day
[Apr 9] “The Alamo” & “The Whole Ten Yards” open in movie theaters/ Good Friday / Chicken Little Awareness Day / Name Yourself Day / Former Prisoner of War Recognition Day
[Apr 10] Siblings Day / Salvation Army Founders Day / Golfers Day
[Apr 11] Easter Sunday / National Barbershop Quartet Day / Audubon Day
[Apr 12] Vote Lawyers Out of Office Day / Teens Against Zits Day / Thank You School Librarian Day
[Apr 13] Scrabble Day
[Apr 16] ”Kill Bill: Vol. 2” & “Connie and Carla” open in movie theaters / Stress Awareness Day
[Apr 17] Canadian Equality Day / National Blah Blah Blah Day / International Ford Mustang Day
[Apr 18] Pet Owners Independence Day / Teach Children To Save Day / International Jugglers Day
[Apr 19] 108th Boston Marathon / Garlic Day / 10th TV-Turnoff Week begins
[Apr 20] Astronomy Day
[Apr 21] Administrative Professionals Day / Kindergarten Day / Clergy Day
[Apr 22] Earth Day / National Jelly Bean Day / First Day of Summer (Iceland)
[Apr 23] “13 Going on 30″ & “Man on Fire” open in movie theaters / World Lab Animal Day
[Apr 25] Anzac Day (Australia/NZ) / Hug an Australian Day / Bird Day
[Apr 26] St George’s Day (NL) / Richter Scale Day / National Pretzel Day
[Apr 27] Child Care Professionals Day / Hairball Awareness Day / Sense of Smell Day
[Apr 28] Kiss Your Mate Day / Great Poetry Reading Day / Day of Remembrance for Persons Killed or Injured in the Workplace
[Apr 29] Zipper Day / National Puppetry Day
[Apr 30] “Envy” & “Godsend” open in movie theaters / Canadian Income Tax deadline / Hairstylist Appreciation Day / National Honesty Day / International Walk Day
[May 1] Genie Awards
[May 6] “Friends” series finalé
[May 9] Mothers Day


In the part of London that speaks the Cockney dialect, the vocabulary of rhyming slang is constantly evolving. Witness …
• Sheryl Crow … Snow (“Wear your rubbers, we’ve got an inch of Sheryl Crow!”)
• Watford Gap … Crap (“I don’t care what you say, that tune’s a piece of Watford Gap.”)
• Dancing Bears … Stairs (“I fell down the dancing bears and bonked my noggin.”)
• Fat Boy Slim … Gym (“I’m going to work out at the Fat Boy Slim.”)
• George and Zippy … Nippy or cold. (“It’s a bit George and Zippy out there this morning!”)
• Mariah Carey … Scary (“Dawn of the Dead is real Mariah Carey in parts.”)
• Liza Minnelli … Telly or television (“I’m too pooped to go out, what’s on the Liza?”)
• Uncle Toby … Moby or mobile phone. (“Get off your Uncle Toby and drive, moron!”)
• Marilyn Manson … Handsome (“Lovely plaid jacket, you’re looking Marilyn Manson today.”)
• French Egg (un oeuf) … Enough (“Stop the karaoke, I’ve had a French egg!”)
• Would you Adam and Eve it? … Would you believe it? (“I’ve won 5-pound in the lotto, would you Adam and Eve it?”)

Using a complex arrangement of technical gizmos, ‘Spamradio’ turns the junk e-mail it receives into a streaming audio broadcast. It sounds like your station would if the sales department was allowed to run wild.

• [Co-host] stopped shaving her legs so people can tell she’s a natural blonde.
• TODAY on “All My Unplanned Children”, ‘Franco’ vows that his amnesia will never, ever make him forget the night he spent with what’s her name.
• I’ve stuck my foot in my mouth so often, I’m beginning to develop a taste for Odor Eaters.

Today’s Question: 76% of people polled say they do THIS alone but would prefer a partner.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Drive to work.

Politics doesn’t make strange bedfellows, marriage does. – Groucho Marx


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