March 29, 2004

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Monday, March 29, 2004        Edition: #2755
Sweet Sheet!

• One reason for the Tom Cruise-Penelope Cruz split could be – Tom’s missing Nicole Kidman. A ‘close pal’ claims Tom can’t seem to stop bragging about this ex-wife’s recent successes and it’s no secret he really misses her.
– “Star” magazine
• A new list of “The 10 Wildest Women in Pop” includes – in no particular order – Janet Jackson, Britney Spears, Peaches, Diana Ross, Lil’ Kim, Courtney Love, Sinead O’Connor, Whitney Houston, Christina Aguilera and Madonna. So who do you think should be #1?
– “NY Daily News”
• 55-year-old fitness guru Richard Simmons has been charged with misdemeanor assault after allegedly ‘bitch slapping’ a man at Phoenix International Airport for poking fun at his exercise videos. The man told police he intends to press charges.
– World Entertainment News Network
• The West Hollywood Sheriff’s Department is investigating a charge that “Simple Life” star Nicole Richie has been making harassing phone calls to Ozzy & Sharon Osbourne’s older daughter Aimee. It seems the feud goes back several years when both were chasing after Cher’s son, Elijah Blue.
– “National Enquirer”
• Reports say “Law & Order” veteran Jerry Orbach will depart the long-running TV crime drama at the end of the season after 12 years on the beat as ‘Detective Lennie Briscoe’. However, word is he may still end up with an “L&A” role in the upcoming 4th spinoff of the series – “Law & Order: Trial by Jury”.
– “Hollywood Reporter”
• Jennifer Lopez will make a guest appearance as herself on the season finalé of “Will & Grace” APRIL 29th, her first-ever cameo on a sitcom.
– “E! Online”
• The 17- year-old multimillionaire Olsen twins have reportedly been offered the job of hosting the season finalé of “Saturday Night Live” MAY 15th, but there’s serious consideration about how many days of high school they’d have to miss to do it.
– “Star” magazine
•  A 13-foot-tall, 25-foot-wide banner reading “You’re Fired” on the Trump Tower in midtown Manhattan has earned Donald Trump 4 summonses so far. His development company doesn’t have a permit for the sign promoting Trump’s hit reality TV show “The Apprentice” and therefore faces a $2,500 fine for each violation. Trump claims the sign is a tourist attraction that the city should appreciate instead of fighting.
– “NY Post”

• “Princess Anne’s Dog Plotted Diana’s Death!”
• “Baby Dragon in Jar Rocks Scientific Community!”
• “Chinese to Ban Walking in Public!”
• “Aliens Branded Me Like a Steer!”
• “Marilyn Monroe Was Bitten by Vampire Then Murdered to Protect JFK!”
• “Million Nerd March!”
• “Osama’s New Book: Suicide Bombing for Dummies!”

• Janet Jackson – TONIGHT a star-studded launch party for her new album “Damita Jo” will be held at the trendy NYC Asian restaurant Spice Market.
• The Who – TONIGHT Pete Townshend & Roger Daltrey are scheduled to perform at a concert
celebrating the 150th anniversary of London’s Royal Albert Hall.
• Madonna – She’s suing Warner Music for $200 million over their joint venture, Maverick Records, claiming Warner failed to promote Maverick artists such as Alanis Morrisette and Michelle Branch.
• Beyoncé – She was hoping to record a new Destiny’s Child album THIS SPRING, but that’s been postponed since she agreed to tour with Missy Elliott & Alicia Keys and then co-star in the new “Pink Panther” movie shooting in NYC and Paris after the tour is over.
• Pink – She says her current stage show is so strenuous it leaves her too exhausted to party while on tour.
• Usher – His new girlfriend is said to be actress Tamala Jones of NBC-TV’s “Tracy Morgan Show”.
• John Mayer – TONIGHT he’s on “Late Show With David Letterman”.
• White Stripes – Jack White has recently been producing Loretta Lynn’s upcoming album, on which he plays guitar & piano and does a duet. Yes, Loretta Lynn, the aging country star.

TONIGHT John Melendez, known as ‘Stuttering John’ for 15 years on the Howard Stern radio show, joins “The Tonight Show With Jay Leno” as its announcer. He replaces Edd Hall, who’s left the show after 12 years to pursue acting. Melendez will also perform in sketches and contribute correspondent pieces. (You can bet in the FCC’s new ultra-politically-correct world, he’ll drop the ‘Stuttering’ monicker.)

Britain’s Scotland Yard has deployed its latest weapon in the war on crime – a scanner that can see through clothes! The $200,000, 500-kg (1,110-lb), 2-meter-high (7-foot) device, dubbed simply ‘The Machine’, uses low radiation X-rays which penetrate one-tenth of an inch into the skin. It was first used in a drug sting operation where suspects had the option of either submitting to a strip search or standing in front of ‘The Machine’. (This is nothing new – ‘Xander’ had one in “XXX”!)
– “The Scotsman”

A so-called ‘love hotel’ in Osaka, Japan is celebrating its 5th anniversary by offering special theme rooms for couples. Among them – the ‘Romance Retro Room’ with WWI-era decor; the ‘Egyptian Room’, set up to allow patrons to savor the pleasures of the Nile; and the ‘KO Room’, with a bed in the form of a boxing ring, a ring announcer’s microphone, boxing gloves, and a plastic blow-up doll to use as a punching bag. The rooms are available by the night or … the hour.
– “Mainichi Daily News“

While the volume of e-mail SPAM continues to rise, it’s now being far outpaced by the surge in ‘SPIM’ – unsolicited messages sent to instant messaging users. The volume of SPIM is expected to triple THIS YEAR, with an estimated 1.2 billion SPIMS sent, 70% of which are porn-related. Researchers warn that SPIM is growing at about 3 times the rate of SPAM as spammers expand their repertoire to exploit a rapidly rising number of IM users. (And unfortunately, IM messaging has become the cool tool for elementary and high school students.)

California-based Genetic Savings & Clone is offering pet owners the chance to clone their animals. The company already boasts several hundred clients who are banking their pets’ genes in the hope of receiving a duplicate pet at a later date. To create a clone, the company takes a swab sample the size of a small coin from the mouth and from the stomach of the pet. Dead animals can be also cloned but only for a short period after death. It ain’t cheap – ‘Puffy v.2’ will set you back about $50,000.
– ABC News Online

There are now several products on the market that attach to cellphones in order to track users’ movements and report them back to another cellphone or a computer. The recently introduced technology from uLocate and other companies is designed to allow parents to keep an eye on their roaming kids. (Or you can try using a much cheaper method – trust.)
– “Chicago Tribune”

• Women drivers are better than men according to the results of one of the biggest ever studies of driving habits by gender. The review of thousands of accidents concludes that women drive better than men. In fact, of all road accidents reviewed, less than 35% were caused by women.
• During his lifetime, the average male fantasizes about sexual encounters with 1,000 different partners, according to a recent study. The most common male fantasy is an encounter with 2 women, while women most often fantasize about being in control of a sexual encounter.

• The 16 violinists of the Beethoven Orchestra in Bonn, Germany are suing for a wage increase on the grounds that – compared to other orchestra musicians – they play far more notes per concert!
• Hundreds of people have rushed to adopt a homeless kitten at the Garmisch-Partenkirchen Animal Shelter in Germany. What’s the big deal? A genetic defect left 6-month-old ‘Lilly’ with – 4 ears!
• The Ramada Jarvis hotel chain in Scotland has a hit on its hands with its ‘Deep-Fried Chocolate Sandwich, Served with Ice Cream and a Sprinkling of Sugar’. The $10 gorge-out now accounts for 30% of all dessert sales.
• Students in Yekaterinburg, Russia have been caught using cockroaches to eat the ink off their report cards. They starve the roaches for a few days, then pour honey over any bad marks on their reports. When the hungry bugs eat the honey, the ink disappears as well!

25-year-old professional yo-yoer Ben McPhee of Newcastle, Australia has set a new world record for the most yo-yo tricks in a minute – 40 individual tricks including ‘walk the dog’, ‘shoot the moon’ and ‘three leaf clover’. That beats the previous record by 5. (Wait a sec … there’s such a thing as a ‘professional yo-yoer’?)

Due to record-high gasoline prices, retailers are reporting the number of customers driving away without paying has increased by as much as 300% over the last couple of months.
– National Association of Convenience Stores

“Somewhere along the line we forgot what actors do. All of a sudden, somehow, the fashion industry crept into the movie industry.” – Oscar-winner Charlize Theron ranting on about her ‘craft’ while attending LA’s environmental awards banquet “The Green Cross Millennium Awards” … in a see-through dress.


1943 [61] Eric Idle, South Shields ENG, movie actor (“102 Dalmatians”, “South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut”)/TV comic (“Monty Python’s Flying Circus” 1969-1974)  FACTOID: Monty Python will re-release a 25th anniversary edition of “The Life of Brian” in theaters NEXT MONTH.

1959 [45] Perry Farrell, Queens NY, rock singer (Jane’s Addiction-“Just Because”, “Been Caught Stealing”, Porno for Pyros-“Private Parts”)

1967 [37] John Popper, Cleveland OH, hefty rock singer (Blues Traveler -“Run-Around”, “Hook”)

1969 [35] Brady Seals, Hamilton OH, country singer (“I Fell”, “Natural Born Lovers”, Little Texas-“My Love”, “What Might Have Been“)

TODAY is “Mom & Pop Business Owners Day”, honoring family-run small-time business operations. Ask listeners for the most unusual combination of services offered by a single business that they’ve come across, ie: “Al’s Roofing & Dry Cleaning”, “Bytown Farm Equipment & Driving Range”, “Corner Gas, Video & Tacky Souvenirs”, etc)

TODAY is ”Vietnam Veterans Day”. The last American troops left Vietnam 31 years ago TODAY in 1973.

1998 [06] Shania Twain kicks off 1st Canadian headlining tour in Sudbury ON

1848 [156] 1st time in recorded history Niagara Falls stops flowing, due to ice jam (the flow of the Falls is now controlled to prevent erosion and is shut down by 50% each night)

1867 [137] British North America Act 1st establishes ‘Dominion of Canada’

1886 [118] Atlanta’s John S Pemberton mixes 1st batch of ‘Coca-Cola’, originally as hangover cure and stomach ache/headache remedy

1984 [20] NFL’s Baltimore Colts move to Indianapolis

2000 [04] MLB season opens outside North America for the 1st time as Chicago Cubs play NY Mets in Tokyo (TOMORROW’S 2004 season-opening game between the NY Yankees and TB Devil Rays in Japan begins at – 5 am EST!)

1987 [17] Largest-ever indoor sports promotion as Hulk Hogan defeats Andre the Giant before 93,136 fans at “Wrestlemania III” in Pontiac Silverdome (2.5 million watch on pay-per-view)

[Tues] Hot Dog Day
[Tues] Doctors Day
[Wed] Bunsen Burner Day
[Wed] Tater Day
[Thurs] April Fools Day
[Sat] NCAA Final Four Basketball Tournament begins (San Antonio TX)
[Sun] Daylight Saving Time begins
[Sun] Juno Awards

National Cleaning Week
Anonymous Giving Week
Sleep Awareness Week


• Whyzit we say ‘falling down’? Is there another way to do it?
• Whyzit I don’t get a break on my car insurance for having ‘cat-like reflexes’?
• Whyzit doughnut shops never seem to get held up?
• Whyzit we refer to ‘every corner’ of a round world?
• Whyzit they don’t sell ‘winter’ or ‘fall’ water?
• Whyzit the homeless have all the carts with functional wheels?
• Whyzit we say the car is making a ‘funny noise’ when it always costs us money?        

BS Q & A:
Q: What are the only 3 words in English that end in ‘gry’?
A: You might have come up with ‘hungry’ and ‘angry’ but the third answer is a tad obscure – it’s simply ‘gry’, an archaic word referring to an obsolete unit of measurement. (Now you can wow ’em when playing Scrabble!)
– “Homemakers”

A man and a woman are driving down the same road in opposite directions. As they pass each other the woman leans out her window and yells, “Pig!” The man immediately leans out his window and yells, “Bitch!” They each continue on their way but as the man rounds the next curve he crashes into a huge pig in the middle of the road. Moral of the story: If only men would listen.

• What’s the most unusual tourist attraction you’ve come across? (The Cambodian Army charges tourists in Phnom Penh a fee to fire a variety of weapons at coconuts, chickens or cows. The ‘Parasite Museum’ in Tokyo displays 300 different parasites that have been found in humans. The CTV comedy “Corner Gas” is shot in Rouleau SK, home of the ‘World’s Second-Largest Hoe’.)
• London-Fanshawe MP Pat O’Brien has introduced a private member’s bill in parliament calling for a new national holiday weekend between January 1st and Easter, and says Canadians should be consulted about a preferred name and date. Well, we’re consulting … what d’ya think?

Today’s Question: Women are more likely to suffer from THIS than men.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Insomnia.

Acting is merely the art of keeping a large group of people from coughing.


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