March 23, 2004

Print Friendly, PDF & Email

Tuesday, March 23, 2004        Edition: #2751
More Sheet From the Mad Cow!

TODAY’s edition of “Blender” magazine ranks Michael Jackson as the all-time ‘Craziest Pop Star’, followed by Beach Boy Brian Wilson, Guns N’ Roses’ Axl Rose, Whitney Houston, Wu-Tang Clan’s Ol’ Dirty Bastard, Mariah Carey, George Clinton, Courtney Love, Jerry Lee Lewis, and Elvis Presley . . . Cameron Diaz is in talks to star in Kevin Spacey’s upcoming stage production of “The Philadelphia Story” at London’s famous Old Vic Theatre . . . Meantime, an experimental theater group in London is holding a casting call for – a genuine corpse – to lie in state throughout its new production “Dead: You Will Be” (hey, Steven Seagal isn’t busy, is he?) . . . A few weeks back we reported Pierce Brosnan was being replaced in the role of ‘James Bond’ but now it seems MGM Studios leaked that story in order to gauge public reaction – and has been inundated with appeals from fans NOT to dump him . . . Brad Pitt is set to produce and star in a movie about the life of Jesse James, based on the Robert Hansen novel, “The Assassination of Jesse James” . . . Martha Stewart has been named one of the world’s worst dressers by PETA, thanks to the chinchilla-fur scarf she wore on the day of her conviction . . . George Clooney tops a new Tylenol PM-sponsored poll that asks 35 to 54-year-old women who they’re fantasy breakfast-in-bed companion would be – sorry Demi, but Ashton Kutcher ranked last!

• Brad Paisley – TODAY he’s on “The Ellen DeGeneres Show”.
• Jessica Simpson – Word is “Playboy” is desperate to get her to pose in the buff.
• Britney Spears – Her 55-hour husband Jason Alexander is said to be planning to sue for a cut of the profits from her current tour, even though he agreed to sign a marriage annulment.
• Kylie Minogue – The pop pixie will wed French actor-boyfriend Olivier Martinez somewhere in JUNE and it could be Paris, Sydney or Barbados, according to her sister.
• Simple Plan – TONIGHT they’ll do “The Tonight Show With Jay Leno”.
• Leann Rimes – She’s reportedly buying a $900,000 luxury flat in the Chelsea section of London to serve as her base in Britain.
• Tim McGraw – He’s announced he’ll kick off a 33-city tour in Virginia Beach VA on JUNE 11th.

• “The Rundown” (Action Adventure – DVD/VHS): The Rock plays a mob boss’s ‘retrieval expert’ who is sent to the Amazon to retrieve the boss’s son, who is currently looking for a priceless treasure. Co-stars Seann William Scott, Rosario Dawson & Christopher Walken.
• “Gothika” (Horror Thriller – DVD): Halle Berry plays a psychiatrist who wakes up as a patient in the same asylum where she worked, with no memory of committing a terrible crime. Co-stars Robert Downey Jr and Penelope Cruz.
• ”Honey” (Drama – DVD): Jessica Alba portrays a sexy, tough music video choreographer who shakes up her life after her mentor gives her an ultimatum – sleep with him or be blacklisted in the biz.
• “Shattered Glass” (Drama – DVD): Hayden Christensen stars in the true story of a young journalist who falls from grace after it’s discovered that he fabricated over half of his articles.
• “Beyond Borders” (Drama – DVD): Angelina Jolie stars as a married American living in London in the mid-‘80s who encounters a renegade doctor immersed in African relief efforts.

Beginning in MAY, Intel will no longer name computer chips by speed (ie: 2.5 GHz) but with a model number, similar to cars. The idea is to direct attention away from speeds and onto unique features that make up a particular processor. Intel chips will now have a 3-digit model number, starting with 3 for low-end chips, 5 for standard performance and 7 for the top-of-the-line models. (“Hey wanna take a spin in my new 7 series?”)
– ZDNet

• Virgin Atlantic Airways has scrapped plans to install bright-red urinals shaped like women’s open lips in men’s rooms at NYC’s JFK International Airport, saying it’s received feedback they might be taken as offensive. (Gee, ya think?)
• A UK supermarket chain went through rigorous quality testing and used a special tasting panel to come up with a new line of BBQ – for dogs. The new canned food contains a blend of pork sausage and mushrooms in a tangy BBQ sauce. (This was developed for owners not dogs. A dog will eat anything – your slippers, the phone book, whatever the cat threw up …)

Dr Donald Kausler, author of “The Graying of America”, suggests the following experiment to illustrate how far you’re getting along in years – first, try balancing on one foot for a minute. Then try balancing on one foot while reciting the alphabet. Finally, try it again while reciting the alphabet … backwards. The difficulty of each step increases greatly in proportion to your age. ([Co-host] is having trouble balancing on two feet while speaking.)
– “Memphis Commercial Appeal”

USB ports (Universal Serial Bus) have made it far easier to connect external devices to computers efficiently and quickly, but nobody could have predicted the variety of computer accessories that are now available for plug ‘n play …
• ThinkGeek has released both the ‘USB Desk Fan’ and the ‘USB Ashtray’, with a filter to suck away smoke.
• Arvel offers an aromatherapy device called the ‘USB Fragrance-Oil Burner’.
• MIB has the ‘USB Heating Blanket’, perfect for keeping warm during the winter months.
• Among USB devices for data storage there are watches, pens, and a duck – the ‘i-Duck’ by Solid Alliance which plugs into any USB port to allow 256 MB of extra memory.
• A Japanese company is even offering the ‘USB Noodle Cooker’.
– “Macon Daily”

• 75% of us snack at least once a day, 40% snack more than twice per day.
• 65% of people who are into ‘rhino-till-exo-mania’ (nose-picking) use an index finger, 20% a pinky, and a talented 15% – a thumb!
• 33% of us are worrying about work when we can’t get to sleep, 31% fret about family, and 30% toss and turn over money.
• 28% of us have had just 2 to 5 sex partners in our lives, 15% have had only 1.

Which Canadians drink most? A new report shows average annual alcohol consumed per person (15+) …
Yukon – 14 litres
AB – 8.8 litres
BC – 8.3 litres
NT – 8.2 litres
ON – 8 litres
MB/NS – 7.8 litres
QC – 7.6 litres
PEI – 7.5 litres
SK – 7.3 litres
NB – 7.0 litres
– “Canadian Journal of Public Health”

Civilians have been poring over the same images from Mars that scientists have been scanning, but they’re pointing out all sorts of things that the pros have seemingly missed. Among them – dinosaur fossils, letters of the alphabet, primitive stone tools, and a white, rabbit in three-quarter profile with erect, long ears. NASA researchers believe the bunny is probably a piece of the landing air bag or other terrestrial trash. (Yeah sure, that’s what they said about Area 51.)
– “Philadelphia Inquirer”

American cities with the most bad hair …
1. Houston TX
2. New Orleans LA
3. Los Angeles CA
– Clairol Infusium 23 Shampoo

It’s estimated that some 500,000 consumer robots will be sold THIS YEAR. Most of them will be vacuum cleaners.
– “Financial Times”

• “You want to track Hollywood careers, look in the real-estate section. You see a guy buy a house that costs $6 million and you can literally start counting the days until he starts doing crappy movies.”  – Chris Rock tells “Entertainment Weekly” why actors quickly forget about ‘art’ and start looking for movies that offer big money.
• “When artists get married, their music or films go to s–t. I’d rather talk about being lonely and horny than being together and sad.”  – Outkast’s Andre 3000 tells the new issue of “Blender” why he doesn’t have a girlfriend.


1949 [55] Ric Ocasek, Baltimore MD, classic rock musician (The Cars-“Drive”, “My Best Friend’s Girl”)/Mr Paulina Porizkova since 1989

1953 [51] Chaka Khan (Yvette Stevens), Great Lakes IL, classic rock singer (“I’m Every Woman”, “I Feel For You”)

1960 [44] George Fox, Cochrane AB, country singer with 4 CCMA Awards, 3 Junos and 23 top 10 hits (“I Give You My Word”, “Time Of My Life”)

1971 [33] Yasmeen Ghauri, Montreal QC, model (Victoria’s Secret, Valentino Perfume)

TODAY is “Federal Budget Day”, when Prime Minister Paul Martin will attempt to revive some of his flagging popularity but government sources have already said that a shortage of cash will mean no new programs for health, aboriginals, defence or international affairs. (Maybe they could put these areas up for ‘sponsorship’ … oops, never mind.)

TODAY is UN “World Meteorological Day”, honoring everyone’s favorite topic of conversation … the weather. What overused weather clichés should be dumped? How about – “Mild, isn’t it?” (meaningless), “It’s nice out” (ditto), “Nice weather for the ducks”, “It’s raining cats and dogs”, and the ever annoying “Hot [cold] enough for ya?”.

TODAY is “National Chip & Dip Day”. While North Americans might pick ‘Sour Cream & Onion’ or ‘Salt & Vinegar’ chips, the top flavors of ‘crisps’ in the UK include ‘Roast Beef & Mustard’ and ‘Smoked Ham & Pickle’. The Swiss like ‘Paprika’, while Thais choose ‘Prawn’ and in Egypt, ‘Kebab’ is popular. The best dip? ‘Hot Bean with Jalapenos’ … or is it?

1743 [261] King George II invents the ‘standing ovation’ as he rises to his feet in appreciation of 1st London performance of Handel’s “Messiah” (actually he was just suffering from a case of numb-bum)

1998 [06] “Titanic” wins a record-tying 11 Oscars at the 70th annual “Academy Awards”

1912 [92] 1st ‘Dixie Cup’ (next day the 1st dentist says, “Take this, rinse and spit …”)

[Thurs] International Sing Out Day
[Fri] Make Up Your Own Holiday Day
[Fri] Legal Assistants Day
[Sat] Quirky Country Music Song Titles Day
[Sun] Something On a Stick Day
This Week Is . . . Poison Prevention Week
This Month Is . . . International Listening Awareness Month


What have you dug up around the house that you’d forgotten you had? Perhaps …
• A box of useful 5-and-a-quarter-inch floppy discs.
• Vintage hairballs, courtesy of ‘Puff’.
• That copy of “Purple Rain” you were sure your girlfriend stole when she left … in ‘92.
• A valuable collection of fridge mold … 10 years in the fermenting.
• Your stockpile of microwave popcorn from Y2K.
• A complete set of ‘Power Rangers POGs’ worth over $300 … 9 years ago.
• The OTHER pink sock you thought the dryer ate.
• Or maybe just … your hatred of spring cleaning.

You read off the following while your contestant decides whether each is a real headline from a supermarket tabloid or a total BS fake …
• “Kim Jong’s Warning to All North Koreans: Hokey Pokey … or Die!“
• “Two in Five Gynecologists Are Fake!”
• “Dick Cheney’s Been Bush-Wacked!” [FAKE]
• “Attacks by Giant Squids Skyrocket!”
• “Saddam’s Spider Hole Turned Into Restaurant!”
• “Nick Admits Jessica’s the Brains of the Family!” [FAKE]
• “Dr Atkins Really Died From Bun Overdose!” [FAKE]
• “Drunk Pilots Start Their Own Airline!”
• “Three-Legged Dog Confused by Fire Hydrant!” [FAKE]
• “Aliens Allow Air Marshals on Board UFOs!”
• “Melting Swimsuits Land Inventor in Hot Water!”
• “Giant Gerbils on Rampage in China!”

Today’s Question: 64% of us have openly commented about THIS aspect of someone’s appearance.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: How dirty their eyeglasses are.

When forced to choose between two evils … try the NEW one.


Leave a comment