Monday, March 22, 2004 Edition: #2750
Have Another Sheetload!
TACKY TABLOID BS:
• Britain’s “Daily Sport” tabloid reports that actors Ethan Hawke & Uma Thurman could be on the verge of a reconciliation. According to friends, they’ve reportedly put their divorce on hold and there is still hope for their floundering 5-year marriage.
• “Star” magazine reports that wannabe singer Lisa Marie Presley has been romantically linked with her guitarist Michael Lockwood. It seems L-M, who struck out twice in marriages to Michael Jackson and Nicolas Cage, started dating Lockwood after he recently split from his fiancée. (Home wrecker!)
• Actress Angelina Jolie tells “Vogue” magazine she wants to become a pilot so she can haul aid workers and food supplies around-the-world. She’s given herself a 5-year deadline to get her pilot’s license, after which she’ll retire from acting to spend more time working for the UN.
• As a result of his hugely successful reality TV show “The Apprentice”, “Daily Dish” reports that 57-year-old billionaire Donald Trump has filed a request with the US Patent & Trademark Office to trademark the phrase – “You’re fired.” (Hey Mr T, it’s been around for years …believe me, I know!)
• According to “Daily Star”, Justin Timberlake’s recent planned romantic dinner almost ended in disaster before it started. Seems JT lit dozens of candles to set the mood, then dashed off for a quick shower. When girlfriend Cameron Diaz showed up, she found the curtains on fire.
• In a Yahoo! News survey, the person most respondents picked to welcome aliens to planet Earth is – Ozzy Osbourne. “Ananova” Webzine says the poll of 1,000 Internet users was conducted following the discovery of signs of water on Mars.
• Architect Frank Gehry is heading up one of 5 teams competing for a new $1.2 billion project to rejuvenate downtown Los Angeles. “Daily Dish” reports that Gehry may have an advantage thanks to a heavyweight architecture buff he invited to join his team – actor Brad Pitt.
• UK’s “Sun” tabloid reports that TV cartoon wife ‘Marge Simpson’ is being given a sexy makeover to appear on the cover of men’s mag “Maxim”. She’ll be posed provocatively in a wet, low-cut dress while scrubbing the floor, and on inside pages will change her trademark hairstyle and let her blue hair hang down while she waits for ‘Homer’ in bed. (Ewww, what a horrendous mental picture!)
• And here’s the week’s ‘Breaking News’, according to “Weekly World News” – “Your Spouse Could Be a Space Alien!”, “Strange Breed of Cats Found on Mars!”, “Killer Asteroid Headed for Earth!” and – this is news? – “Working with Idiots Can Kill You!”.
BS MUSIC NOTES:
• OutKast – “Speakerboxxx/The Love Below” won 2 awards, including ‘R&B/Soul or Rap Album of the Year’, to lead the winners at SATURDAY’S 18th annual “Soul Train Music Awards”.
• Prince – TONIGHT he’s on “Tonight Show With Jay Leno”.
• Alicia Keys – She’s the latest to confirm she’ll be at the “Rock In Rio-Lisbon” festival in Lisbon, Portugal, performing on the event’s final day, JUNE 6th.
• Barenaked Ladies – TONIGHT they’re on “Late Night With Conan O’Brien”.
• 3 Doors Down – They’re hoping to raise at least $125,000 at their Mobile, Alabama concert THIS FRIDAY. They’ll divide the entire net gross among 16 non-profit organizations.
• Chingy – TONIGHT he’s on “Late Late Show With Craig Kilborn”.
WORLDWIDE BULL ROAR:
• Let this be a lesson in giving away prizes people actually want – a 22-year-old woman in Lancashire UK is trying to sell off the $40,000 prize she won in a lingerie company promotion. Why? It’s a diamond-encrusted G-string. The jeweled thong is being kept in a bank safe until she finds a buyer. (Not only a little risque … but painful!)
• Doctors in Germany say a man barely escaped death after he tried to – brush his Rottweiler’s teeth. The dog attacked him and he nearly bled to death on the way to hospital. (Well, guess that do-it-yourself prostate exam is out of the question then.)
NO MORE TIME-OUTS FOR THIS KID:
The so-called ‘terrible twos’ just got a lot easier for the D’Onofrio family of Brewster NY. 21-month-old Billy, who loves to push buttons and take things apart, recently popped open the TV remote and pulled out a AAA Duracell battery – worth $100,000! It was one of 12 labeled ‘winner’ for a promotional campaign. The big-buck battery was a recent replacement for one that Billy had earlier hauled out and tossed in the garbage.
– “Journal News”
BEST JOBS IN THE WORLD:
A new survey ranks occupations by job satisfaction. The top 5 jobs and the percentage of those in the field who say they’re happy with their work …
1. Social Care Workers (40%)
2. Hairdressers (32%)
3. Plumbers (32%)
4. Chefs (30%)
5. Florists (20%).
Least happy, at just 4% satisfaction, are real estate agents, accountants, pharmacists and – ahem – media workers.
– “The Mail”
HERE COMES THE POOCH:
Tips for having your dog included in your wedding ceremony …
• If you plan to have your dog actually carry the rings, be sure he is securely leashed at all times so he doesn’t bolt with the bands.
• Have the animal walked thoroughly beforehand. There is more than one incident on record of a dog answering nature’s call … right in the middle of the ceremony.
– “Dogs, Dogs, Dogs!” magazine.
BS AMAZING FACT:
The smell of garlic will reduce hostile talk at the dinner table by 23%.
– The Smell & Taste Treatment and Research Foundation
AND WE QUOTE:
“I can’t go anywhere without people staring and whispering.” – Clay Aiken
THE BULL SHEET 03.22.2K4
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1931  William Shatner, Montréal QC, former TV actor (‘Capt Kirk’ on “Star Trek” 1966-1969)/movie actor (“Miss Congeniality”)/ad huckster (Priceline) COMING UP: “Miss Congeniality 2″, opening in 2005.
1948  Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber, London UK, composer/producer (Tony Awards for “Phantom of the Opera”, “Cats”, “Evita”)
1948  Wolf Blitzer, Buffalo NY, CNN news anchor (“Wolf Blitzer Reports”)
1952  Bob Costas, Queens NY, NBC-TV sportscaster since 1980/Olympics host/5-time Emmy winner/5-time ‘Sportscaster of the Year’
1972  Elvis Stojko, Richmond Hill ON, 5′-7″ Canadian men’s figure skater (4 world titles, 2 Olympic silvers)
1976  Reese Witherspoon, Baton Rouge LA, movie actress (“Legally Blonde 1 & 2”, “Cruel Intentions”)/Mrs Ryan Phillippe since 1999 COMING UP: Plays June Carter Cash in the upcoming Johnny Cash biopic, “Walk the Line”.
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “As Young As You Feel Day”, a day to quit wallowing in worry about your chronological age and start feeling peppy!
TODAY is “International Goof-Off Day”, a day to relax, be yourself and generally just goof off. (In other words … a regular Monday.)
THIS WEEK is “Clutter Awareness Week”, a day to kick off your annual Spring cleaning purge of accumulated ‘stuff’. Ask listeners what is the most unusual ‘stuff’ they’ve never thrown away.
THIS WEEK is “American Chocolate Week”. A recent poll finds 52% of us pick ‘chocolate’ as our favorite flavor for desserts and sweet snacks, followed by ‘strawberry’ or ‘vanilla’ at 12%, and ‘cherry’ at 3%.
THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1981  RCA introduces the ‘Selectra Vision’ laser disc player … but it fails to catch on (too far ahead of its time?)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1894  1st Stanley Cup championship game as Montréal Amateur Athletic Association defeats Ottawa Capitals 3-1 (oldest championship in professional sports in North America)
1993  1st ‘Pentium processor’ for PCs introduced by Intel Corp
1994  1st NFL scoring change in 75 seasons as addition of ‘2-point conversion’ is announced
TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1997  USA’s Tara Lipinski becomes youngest-ever ‘Women’s World Figure Skating Champion’ at age 14 years and 10 months
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] World Meteorological Day
[Tues] Federal Budget comes down
[Thurs] National Family Day
[Thurs] International Sing Out Day
[Fri] Make Up Your Own Holiday Day
[Fri] Legal Assistants Day
THIS WEEK IS . . .
Bubble Blowers Week
Poison Prevention Week
Pediatric Nurse Practitioner Week
RV Lifestyle Week
Week of Solidarity with People Struggling Against Racism & Racial Discrimination
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS SIGNS YOU’VE BEEN WATCHING WAY TOO MUCH COLLEGE BASKETBALL:
• The last 5 minutes of everything you do takes a half-hour.
• Every time you get up from the couch, you pull a groin muscle.
• You’ve already called in sick for 5 different days — in advance.
• Your fingernails are gnawed so short your wrists are bleeding.
• Your girlfriends are now seeded 1 through 16.
• After sex, you slam dunk your pillow.
• You’re an overweight, middle-aged, white man living vicariously through your team.
BS PERSONAL ADS:
• “I’ve got issues; you’ve got the cure. I need lots of time on the couch; you need a sympathetic ear and board certification. Must not charge by the hour.”
• “Petite mountaineeress seeks tall female for climbing. If you’re under 6 feet tall, averse to ropes, or wary of long expeditions, don’t apply.”
• “Single female who enjoys interpretive dance, wearing black clothing, and drinking herbal tea seeks standoffish, analytical wimp to create Jell-O sculptures and ballroom dance in my living room.”
• “35-year-old doctor who wants to finally meet a woman with true inner beauty. Outward appearance not a factor. Please send X-rays.”
• “You have brown hair and green eyes, with a mole on your left cheek. I watch you from behind the bushes with my binoculars. Don’t bother to respond; I already know where you live.”
• “Former scientist in search of test subject for study on the line between pleasure and pain, ecstasy and excruciation. Those with high pain thresholds ineligible.”
• “Born-again female Pentecostal seeks male acolyte for meaningful relationship and serpent handling. Speaking in tongues a plus! God-fearing applicants only.”
An Urban Outfitters store is under fire from customers for selling ‘Magnetic Jesus Dress Up’ novelty toys. The image of Jesus on the cross can be dressed in different outfits including a tutu, flippers and a devil’s suit. The creator of the toy, who calls himself ‘Normal Bob’ Smith, says there’s nothing wrong with religious satire.
PHONER: 610.265.1348 (Urban Outfitters, King of Prussia PA)
BS WEB GOODIE:
“Behind the Name” is a nifty site that offers several functions …
• Look up the origin of tens of thousands of given names.
• Look up the most popular names by country.
• Use a ‘Random Name Generator’ in a variety of languages and categories (witch, fairy, Goth, rapper, wrestler, hillbilly, etc).
BS PHONE STARTERS:
• What food makes you absolutely, positively cringe? (In a new poll, the top 3 most-hated foods were liver, tofu and – perhaps surprisingly – yogurt.)
• Martha Stewart has asked about 100 friends to write to the judge who will sentence her in JUNE with their opinions of her ‘character, work ethic, integrity and probity’. Why limit it to a hundred people? Let’s all pitch in!
BS BLATANT JOKES:
• That butterfly tattoo on your breast looks great when you’re 25, but when you get to 75 it stretches into a turkey.
• Britney Spears is coming out with her own line of cosmetics. She has a 55-hour mascara … good for an entire marriage!
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: There’s an 11% chance that after you get married THIS will happen to you.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Your mother will move in with you.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
We can’t all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.
“BS” welcomes samplers this week that include Jeff Hayes @ CJMK Saskatoon SK, Kid Cruise @ WERZ Portsmouth NH, Oliver Weimer @ WESB Bradford PA, Mike James @ WDWG Rocky Mount NC, and Nathan Knight @ THE EAGLE Winkler MB. Refer a friend to “BS” – we award a FREE MONTH of service for each new subscriber you send our way!