March 19, 2004

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Friday, March 19, 2004        Edition: #2749
Our Sheet Don’t Stink!

TOMORROW Janet Jackson is scheduled to perform at the “Soul Train Awards”, her first performance since ‘Boobgate’ . . . Actress Kim Delaney will star in a new CBS-TV drama pilot called “Sudbury”, but there won’t be any nickel mining – it’s about sisters who are witches . . . The pressure of living in the limelight has reportedly caused Jennifer Garner to split up with “Alias” co-star Michael Vartan, just months after she dumped her husband Scott Foley for him (Hollywood’s newest ‘serial dater’) . . . THIS WEEK’S big money heist from Vegas’ Elvis-A-Rama Museum in just 5 minutes sounds like something right out of “Ocean’s 11″ (hmm, aren’t they shooting the sequel right now?) . . . Quite the week for Courtney Love – reprimanded in court Tuesday,  repeatedly flashing David Letterman on TV Wednesday, and arrested for throwing a mike stand in a club and hitting a guy in the head Thursday – are we out of control? . . . TV’s “Extreme Makeover” show is trying to line up “American Idol” reject William Hung to have his horrendously bad teeth repaired, but so far they’ve been unable to communicate with his spokesman – a brother that speaks very little English.

• Whitney Houston – Reports say it was Clive Davis, the new head of BMG Music, that made her check into rehab THIS WEEK.
• R Kelly –  Florida prosecutors have dropped child porn charges against him after it was ruled detectives illegally seized photos.
• Jessica Simpson – Hosts this week’s “Saturday Night Live” TOMORROW night with hubby Nick Lachey and musical guest 50 Cent.
• Britney Spears – Her new video “Everytime” is reportedly about her relationship with Justin Timberlake (played by actor Stephen Dorff) and features midgets, freaks & strippers.
• Prince – Will no longer perform any of his sexually explicit hits (ie: “Cream”, “Little Red Corvette”) since becoming a Jehovah’s Witness.
• Lenny Kravitz– His first tour in 2 years will kick off in the Netherlands MAY 31st.
• Enrique Iglesias – Has reportedly given tennis star girlfriend Anna Kournikova a $5.4-million diamond engagement ring while touring in Australia.
• Christina Aguilera – TODAY she’ll appear on the “Ellen DeGeneres Show”.

• “Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind” (Comedy): Jim Carrey & Kate Winslet attempt to recover from a failed relationship by having their bad memories erased. But as the procedure slowly destroys his recollections, he remembers the good times they had together and attempts to mentally overcome the process. Kirsten Dunst & Elijah Wood co-star.
• “Taking Lives” (Crime Drama): Angelina Jolie plays an unorthodox FBI profiler who is called in by Québec police to help catch a serial killer who takes on the identity of each new victim, a process called ‘life-jacking’. Ethan Hawke, Kiefer Sutherland & Olivier Martinez co-star.
• “Dawn of the Dead” (Horror): In this remake of the 1978 thriller (which was itself a sequel to 1968’s “Night of the Living Dead”), the survivors of a worldwide plague that is producing the flesh-hungry undead, take refuge in a mega shopping mall. Stars Toronto actress Sarah Polley & Ving Rhames.    

The Atkins Diet may give you a killer figure but it also gives you odious breath along with it. A number of treatments have emerged on the Internet to fight ‘ketone breath’, a sweetish smell most common among people just beginning the diet. (Further proof – you are what you eat.)
– “New York Post”

The president of Turkmenistan has announced a new law banning men from having messy hair. Long hair, beards and moustaches will no longer be allowed because they are thought to be unhygienic and give outsiders a poor impression of the country. And just in case you’re planning a Turkmenistani tour anytime soon – the law also applies to foreigners.
– “The Times of Central Asia”

Scientific evidence suggests that secondhand smoke is not only unhealthy for humans, but can cause cancer in pets. Furry friends don’t just inhale smoke, smoke particles are also trapped in their fur and ingested when they groom themselves with their tongues. A new study finds that dogs in smoking households have a 60% greater risk of lung cancer. Another study shows that long-nosed dogs like greyhounds and collies are twice as likely to develop nasal cancer if regularly exposed to secondhand smoke. (This can be a real problem! My ferret’s always bumming smokes off me.)
– “American Journal of Epidemiology”

THIS WEEK at a German technology fair, the makers of the famous Swiss Army Knife unveiled a new version with – a ‘memory key’ that plugs into computers. The “Memory USB” army knife includes a 64MB or 128MB flash memory stick on which you can store data such as presentations or databases for easy transport. There’s also a new Swiss Army Knife especially designed for air travel – it has no blades. Victorinox offers about 35 mechanical tools on its various knives and a spokesman says (a bit obviously) that it’s becoming increasingly difficult to come up with new ones. (A knife without blades … sorta like a car without wheels.)
– “Swiss Info”

TONIGHT the NBA’s Detroit Pistons are handing out wigs to fans in an attempt to break the “Guinness World Record” for ‘Most People Wearing Wigs in a Single Venue’. The current mark is 5,574 wig wearers, set LAST FALL at a rugby match in Australia.

According to a new poll by WSL Strategic Retail, 21% of us have cut back on the amount of grooming we regularly perform, and 34% of women say they spend less time on makeup now than 5 years ago. (Maybe we don’t have time because we’re too busy watching makeovers on TV?)


1947 [57] Glenn Close, Greenwich CT, movie actress (“101 Dalmatians”, “Fatal Attraction”)/Broadway actress (3 Tony Awards-“The Real Thing”, “Death & the Maiden”, “Sunset Boulevard”)

1955 [49] Bruce Willis, Idar-Oberstein GER, movie actor (“The Sixth Sense”, “Die Hard 1-3″)/ex-Mr Demi Moore  UP NEXT: The sequels “The Whole 10 Yards” APRIL 9th and “Die Hard 4: Die Hardest”, coming in 2005.  FACTOID: His birthday party at Hollywood’s Spider Club LAST WEEKEND included Bruce’s girlfriend Brooke Burns, Demi Moore & Ashton Kutcher, Kevin Costner, Jack Nicholson, Joe Pesci, Kirsten Dunst & Scarlett Johansson.

1976 [28] Zach Lind, Mesa AZ, rock drummer (Jimmy Eat World-“Sweetness”, “The Middle”)

1989 [15] Craig Lamar Traylor, Ontario CA, TV actor (‘Stevie Kenarban’ on “Malcolm in the Middle” since 2000)

1922 [82] Carl Reiner, Bronx NY, movie producer/director/actor (he’ll reprise his role as ‘Saul Bloom’ in the now-shooting sequel “Ocean’s 12″)/father of Rob Reiner

1939 [65] Brian Mulroney, Baie Comeau QC, much vilified Prime Minister of Canada 1984-93/father of CTV’s Ben Mulroney

1948 [56] Bobby Orr, Parry Sound ON, hockey player agent/Hall of Fame NHL defenceman (Boston Bruins)/2nd-greatest hockey player of all-time?

1950 [54] William Hurt, Washington DC, movie actor (Oscar-“Kiss of the Spiderwoman”, “Broadcast News”, “The Big Chill”)

1957 [47] Spike Lee, Atlanta GA, movie director/producer/actor (“Malcolm X”, “Do the Right Thing”)  UP NEXT: He’s producing the bigscreen version of the hit Broadway musical “Rent”,  premiering at MAY’s “Cannes Film Festival”.

1958 [46] Holly Hunter, Conyers GA, movie actress (“O Brother Where Art Thou?”, Oscar-“The Piano”, “The Firm”)

1964 [40] Tracy Chapman, Cleveland OH, pop/folk singer (“Give Me One Reason”, “Fast Car”)

1969 [35] Big Bird, large-footed, ochre-colored, 8′-2″ oversized fowl Muppet (“Sesame Street”)

1976 [28] Chester Bennington, Phoenix AZ, rock singer (Linkin Park-“Numb”, “In the End”)

TOMORROW Spring officially arrives in the Northern Hemisphere with the vernal equinox at 1:49 am EST. According to a University of Munich study, warmer spring weather is coming earlier and cooler autumn temps arriving later, extending the growing season by at least 10 days since 1960.

TOMORROW is the 20th annual “Great American Meat Out”, the world’s largest and oldest annual grassroots diet education campaign, when we’re encouraged to kick the meat habit at least for a day and explore a wholesome, ‘nonviolent’ diet of fruits, vegetables, and whole grains.

TOMORROW is “Proposal Day”, when both men and women are encouraged to pop the big question.

TOMORROW at Lake Superior State University in Sault Sainte Marie MI, the 33rd annual “Snowman Burning” takes place with a celebration that includes the reading of poetry and doggerel heralding the end of winter, followed by the effigy burning of a snowman (and lots of heavy duty toasting).

TOMORROW is “Extraterrestrial Abductions Day”, honoring all wackos who claim they’ve been kidnapped by aliens.

1895 [109] 1st ‘motion picture’, created by French brothers Louis & August Lumiere using a wooden ‘cinematograph’ camera in Lyons FRA

1953 [51] 1st televised “Academy Awards” ceremony

1957 [47] Elvis Presley buys ‘Graceland’ estate in Memphis for $100,000 (about the same amount it now rakes in – per day)

1988 [16] Michael Jackson buys a ranch near Santa Ynez CA, christens it ‘Neverland’, and later builds his own zoo & amusement park (now known as ‘the crime scene’)

1871 [133] 1st ‘chewing gum’ is invented (next day, the first wad is found under a theater seat)

1931 [73] Nevada 1st legalizes gambling, and ‘Alka-Seltzer’ 1st goes on sale (coincidence?)

1972 [32] LA Lakers humble Golden State Warriors 162-99 in ‘most-lopsided NBA game’

1990 [14] 1st-ever ‘Women’s World Hockey Tournament’ (won by Canada in Ottawa)

1994 [10] World’s ‘largest omelette’, made with 160,000 eggs & measuring 1,383 square feet (Yokohama, Japan)

[Sat] Teenagers Day
[Sat] National Agriculture Day
[Sat] Maple Syrup Saturday
[Sun] International Astrology Day
[Sun] Single Parents Day
[Sun] Children’s Poetry Day
[Sun] World Day for Elimination of Racial Discrimination
[Mon] International Goof Off Day
[Tues] Federal Budget comes down
This Week Is . . . National Agriculture Week / Spring Fever Week
This Month Is . . . Lawnmower Tune-Up Month / Write A Letter of Appreciation Month


Have listener or studio guest supply the listed items, then use the list to fill in the blanks in today’s story.
1. Maintenance you routinely perform on a car.
2. A rude bodily function.
3. A local politician.
4. Something you ride.
5. An on-air personality at your station.
6. A piece of sports equipment.
7. A domestic bird.
8. The year in which a sci-fi movie might be set.
9. Something you’d call out during an emergency.
10. The first line of any Christmas song.
11. Something you yell at an opposing team.
12. A cash crop grown by farmers.
13. How tall you are when you’re 5-years-old.
14. A tool your might have in your toolbox.
15. A dangerous chemical.
16. The first verb you can think of.
17. An animal that bites.
18. A place you drive fast.
19. Something you might find in the back of your fridge.
20. Something that makes a terrible stink.
    [Music in:] Ah, Spring! And a young man’s fancy turns to thoughts of [1]. Already you can hear the birds [2] with excitement. [3] likes to celebrate Spring by hopping aboard his [4] and bumping around town to visit all the adorable baby potholes. [5] likes to welcome the first day of Spring by dusting of the old [6] and heading out to the golf course where last year he/she managed to hit two [7] while shooting a round of [8]. Spring, when throughout the mall you can hear women screaming out [9] as they experience the first bathing suit shock of the season. It seems like just yesterday your were singing [10]. Wait a minute, that was yesterday! Spring! It won’t be long before you’re down at the ol’ ball park and the umpire calls out [11]!. And soon you’ll be out in the back yard, peacefully mowing your [12] that’s already [13] high. Spring! It also means ‘spring cleaning’, when you pick up a [14] and a pail of [15] and [16] the entire house. And of course, Spring means it won’t be long before the Easter [17] comes hopping down the [18] with a basketful of [19]. Yes, it’s Spring! A time to celebrate. So throw open your windows and take a great big breath of [20]! [Music up and out.]

• A friend’s spouse is coming on to you. Do you tell the friend?
• You’re divorcing and must split your assets with your ex- who doesn’t know the true extent of your wealth. Do you disclose it?
• A good friend is having an extramarital affair and asks you to provide an alibi. Do you?
• You’re playing golf/tennis with your boss for the first time. You’re winning and your boss is getting angry. Do you let the boss win?

Today’s Question: The average person’s blood pressure takes just 40 seconds to rise while doing THIS.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Waiting for an elevator.

Small deeds done are better than great deeds planned.


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