Monday, March 15, 2004 Edition: #2745
Beware the Ides of Bull!
TACKY TABLOID BULL:
• “NY Daily News” reports Britney Spears has decided not to kill herself – in her next video. The controversial plan for her “Everytime” video was to picture her drowning herself in a bathtub after a booze-fueled battle with a boyfriend. The leaked idea has been nixed after critics suggested the graphic storyline would amount to career suicide. (Who’s giving this girl such lousy advice?)
• Late rocker Kurt Cobain considered quitting his band Nirvana to work with wife Courtney Love only months before his suicide, according to a previously unpublished interview in TODAY’s edition of Britain’s “Uncut” magazine. (APRIL 5th is the 10th anniversary of his death.)
• Actress Kirsten Dunst tells “Daily Mail” that “Gigli” ruined it for everyone – romantic couples working together in movies, that is. Dunst says she’d absolutely love to work with actor/boyfriend Jake Gyllenhaal, but the Ben Affleck-Jennifer Lopez turkey has made it unlikely any studio would let them. Her solution? “Maybe we’ll just break up so we can work together … or say we did.”
• “People News” tells us that a woman recently linked to Ben Affleck as a ‘girlfriend’ was actually journalist Jancee Dunn who spent a day with Ben running from the paparazzi to get an idea of what his life is like for an article in the new issue of “Rolling Stone”. (She’d also need to play poker till dawn and hang out in lap-dancing clubs.)
• “Star” magazine claims the reason Ashton Kutcher & Demi Moore aren’t yet married is – kids. Not that she already has 3, but the fact that he’d like to have some kids of his own. It seems 41-year-old Demi isn’t sure she wants to have more children at this point. (They be calling her grandma.)
• “Mirror” quotes 27-year-old “Miss Match” star Alicia Silverstone as saying, “When I’m [feeling] low I take all my clothes off and do a bit of naked gardening.” (What a hoe.)
• Seems press junkets may be getting to actress Brittany Murphy. “The Scoop” reports that at one point in a recent media conference in London Murphy laid on the floor, declared she was tired of everyone looking at her, then put a napkin over her face. (Wow, I want what she’s having.)
• Mel Gibson is in talks to make a 5th “Lethal Weapon” film, according to “People News”. “The Passion of the Christ” filmmaker is reportedly in talks with director Richard Donner, who is desperate for him to reprise his role as renegade cop ‘Martin Riggs’, the role Gibson last played in 1998. (Will Mel ever be believable in flippant action roles again?)
“WEEKLY WORLD NEWS” HEADLINES:
• “Amazing Nerd Secrets to Scoring Hot Dates!”
• “Aliens Drag Racing in Rover Vehicles!”
• “Horny Pelican Mistakes Man with Big Nose for His Female!”
• “Space Alien Disguised as Jay Leno Seduced Me!”
FEATHERED CRITICS:
Researchers at Tokyo’s Keio University have taught pigeons to distinguish between styles of art. Psychologist Shigeru Watanabe reports the birds can correctly distinguish between cubist-style painting and impressionism 90% of the time. (Are pigeons making a statement about the quality of statues when they dive-bomb them?)
– “Discovery”
IS THAT A WALL OR THE YANG ‘TSE?
For decades, elementary school textbooks have maintained that the Great Wall of China could be seen from space, but now even China admits that’s just not so. It was verified by China’s first person in space, astronaut Yang Liwei, who says he was unable to see the Wall at any time while orbiting the Earth for over 21 hours. His eyewitness view has prompted China’s Ministry of Education to revise its claim. (They now say you can only see the Great Floor of China.)
– BBC World News
MAYBE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE TIPPING THE GLASS?
A new experiment by chemists from Stanford University & the University of Edinburgh has attempted to answer the perplexing question – can beer bubbles go down instead of up? The bubbles are lighter than the beer so they should rise upward, but claims by countless drinkers that the reverse was true caused the scientists to investigate. The answer? Surprisingly simple – bubbles go up more easily in the center of a beer glass than on the sides because of drag from the walls. As they go up, they lift some of the beer, which then runs down the inside walls of the glass, carrying bubbles with it – downward. (The results were published after researchers spent 87,451 happy hours in campus pubs.)
– “EurekAlert”
YOUR PC IS DIRTIER THAN YOUR TOILET:
Keyboards, computer mice and telephone keypads are more infested with microbes than toilet seats, according to a University of Arizona study. The study recommends that office workstations be regularly disinfected since they can contain 400 times as many germs as a toilet seat on average. According to the study, telephones harbor up to 25,127 germs per square inch, keyboards 3,295 and computer mice 1,676. The average office contains a whopping 20,961 germs per square inch. (I don’t care what you say, there’ll be no picnicking on my commode.)
– Agence France-Presse
A WHOLE LATTE MUSIC:
TOMORROW Starbucks unveils its new music download service at a Santa Monica CA store as singers Rufus Wainwright & Sarah Harmer perform at the grand opening. Starbucks is partnering with Hewlett-Packard to allow its coffee customers to burn CDs in the time it takes to drink a cup of their favorite java. More than 250,000 songs will be available at a minimum of 5 songs for $6.99. Complete albums cost $12.95. Over the next couple years, Hewlett-Packard will furnish some 2,500 Starbucks locations with PCs, CD burners and printers for album art. (Isn’t this an odd combo? What’s next – photoshop your pictures at KFC?)
– “Rolling Stone”
LITTLE WOMEN:
Short women have better luck with guys, research shows. A study of 10,000 women found that those between 4-foot-10 and 5-foot-2 are most likely to have long-term relationships with men. Shorter women also are more likely than taller women to be married and have children by the age of 42, researchers discovered. Lead researcher Daniel Nettle of Britain’s Open University says it’s unclear why men prefer shorter women. On the other hand, men at least 6-feet tall are more likely to have a wife and children than those 5-foot-10 or shorter. (So it’s true what they say about guys with big feet?)
– “Enquirer”
BS AMAZING FACTS:
• There are 6 facial expressions that are universal to all humans. They are – happiness, sadness, disgust, fear, anger and surprise.
• Between the 9/11 attacks (September 11, 2001) and the Madrid terrorist attacks (3/11/04), there were exactly 911 days.
THE BULL SHEET 03.15.2K4
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1943 [61] David Cronenberg, Toronto ON, filmmaker (“Spider”, “Crash”)
1968 [36] Mark McGrath, Hartford CT, pop singer (Sugar Ray-“Every Morning”, “Fly”)
1972 [32] Mark Hoppus, Ridgecrest CA, rock musician (Blink 182-“Feeling This”, “What’s My Age Again?”)
1975 [29] Darcy Tucker, Castor AB, NHL center (Toronto Maple Leafs)
1977 [27] Joe Hahn, Glendale CA, DJ (Linkin Park-“Numb”, “In the End”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is the 19th “Rock & Roll Hall of Fame Induction” in NYC. This year’s inductees include the late George Harrison (previously inducted with The Beatles, this time on his own), Prince, Bob Seger, Traffic, ZZ Top, Jackson Browne, and R&B vocal group The Dells. Artists become eligible for induction 25 years after the release of their first record.
TODAY is “True Confessions Day”, a good day to open up the ‘Morning Crew Confessional’ where anonymous callers shed their guilt by admitting their outrageous actions. You can even assign penance!
TODAY is the “Ides of March”, when Julius Caesar was assassinated in 44 BC. It’s also the tongue-in-cheek observance “National Brutus Day”, recognizing the fact that no matter where you work, there’s as much backstabbing, plotting and intrigue as there was back in ancient Rome. The word ‘ides’ simply means ‘middle’, so we can have the Ides of May, the Ides of July, or even the Ides of Apple Pie. There’s nothing unlucky about it – unless you’re name happens to be Caesar.
TODAY is “Buzzard’s Day”, traditionally the day that the buzzards return to Hinckley OH, yet another sign of impending spring.
TODAY is officially “Annual Office Coffee Cup Washing Day”, a day to give your scum-laden coffee mug at work its annual clean-out – whether it needs it or not.
TODAY is “Absolutely Incredible Kid Day”, when we’re encouraged to tell our kids how great they are. Sounds corny, but do it! It’s a helluva investment in the future.
THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1964 [40] 1st marriage of actors Elizabeth Taylor & Richard Burton, in Montréal (her 5th)
TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1999 [05] Bruce Springsteen, Paul McCartney & Billy Joel are inducted into the “Rock & Roll Hall of Fame”
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1869 [135] Cincinnati Red Stockings become 1st ‘pro baseball team’
1892 [112] 1st ‘escalator’, the ‘Reno Inclined Elevator’ (next day, 1st user is strangled by long scarf)
1999 [05] 1st time Dow Jones Average tops 10,000-point threshold (opens today at 10,128.38)
TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1997 [07] 1st American player to score 500 NHL goals (Joe Mullen-Pittsburgh Penguins)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] Lips Appreciation Day
[Tues] Annual Rotten Sneaker Contest (Montpelier VT)
[Wed] St Patrick’s Day
[Wed] Clean Your Closet Day (that could take a week)
[Thurs] Supreme Sacrifice Day (is this going to involve a long diatribe from your parents?)
[Sat] Spring begins
This Week Is . . . Pulmonary Rehabilitation Week (“Stand clear!” ZAP!)
This Month Is . . . Humorists Are Artists Month (and this morning’s show is your masterpiece!) / Deaf History Month (I SAID IT’S … oh never mind)
BULL’S BITS . . .
WORST BS FORTUNE COOKIES:
• 95% of the things you worry about will never happen. The other 5% will kill you.
• Embrace mediocrity. It suits you.
• Nice booger, loser.
• Sorry, this is a BYOF cookie.
• You will have ‘one of those days’ … for a year.
• You gonna eat that?
• Teenagers will soon begin using your first name as slang for ‘gross’.
• Everything about you is getting smaller.
• She was faking.
• You are sitting on gum.
BS WHYZITS:
• Whyzit the word ‘phonetic’ isn’t spelled the way it sounds?
• Whyzit ‘fat chance’ and ‘slim chance’ mean the same thing?
• Whyzit there isn’t a special name for the tops of your feet?
• Whyzit people who work in health-food stores always look so unhealthy?
• Whyzit at a graduation ceremony, the speaker always stresses ‘individuality’ as the key to success … to thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns?
BS TRIVIA:
THIS WEEK is “National Sports Trivia Week”, so here’s some BS classics …
Q: Where is the Canadian Golf Hall of Fame located?
A: Glen Abbey Golf Club, Oakville ON.
Q: Which year were the Winter Olympics held in Calgary?
A: 1988
Q: Nancy Greene is associated with which Olympic sport?
A: In 1999, Nancy Greene was declared Canada’s female athlete of the 20th century. She won 2 Olympic medals and 2 World Cup titles in skiing.
Q: In what year did Wayne Gretzky retire from NHL?
A: April 18, 1999.
Q: Which Canadian team is SECOND all-time in Stanley Cup victories?
A: Toronto Maple Leafs.
– CanadaQuiz.com
Q: There’s one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends. What is it?
A: Boxing.
Q: Where the heck are the ‘lakes’ that are referred to in the NBA team name ‘Los Angeles Lakers’?
A: In Minnesota. The team was originally the Minneapolis Lakers, and kept the name when it moved west.
Q: There are several ways a baseball player can legally reach 1st base without getting a hit. Taking a base on balls, or a ‘walk’, is one way. Name the others.
A: Batter hit by a pitch, passed ball, catcher interference, catcher drops 3rd strike, fielder’s choice, being designated as a pinch runner, a balk, and reaching base due to an error.
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: 80% of us say we’ve never done THIS, but might want to today.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Have breakfast in bed.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Time is a great teacher. Unfortunately it kills all its students.
WELCOME NEWBIES!
“BS” welcomes samplers this week that include Scott Styles @ Weekend Hits Live, Duluth GA; Brian Thiessen @ CKMW Winkler MB; Gordie James @ WLLD St Petersburg FL; and Michelle Nichole @ KBER Salt Lake City UT. Remember, we bonus you ONE FREE MONTH for each and every new subscriber you refer!
