Tuesday, March 2, 2004 Edition: #2736
Sheet For Brains!
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT Britney Spears kicks off her 25-city “The Onyx Hotel Tour 2004″ in San Diego CA (Canadian dates are April 3 in Toronto, April 4 in Montréal) . . . TONIGHT “Canadian Idol” winner Ryan Malcolm kicks off a 13-city eastern Canada tour in Glace Bay NS . . . The “Friends” series finalé hasn’t even aired yet and already Warner Bros execs are talking about a reunion special, but may have trouble convincing the show’s 6 stars (Quotes: “Talk to me in 20 years.” – Matthew Perry / “I think [a reunion] would cheapen it.” – Jennifer Aniston) . . . Reports say 28-year-old Academy Award-winning “Monster” actress Charlize Theron is planning a secret marriage to her longtime boyfriend, 31-year-old Irish actor Stuart Townsend, most recently seen in the box office bomb “The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen” . . . Marilyn Manson says it’s odd Avril Lavigne has few bodyguards – quote: “How does she know somebody won’t kidnap her, cut off her toes and sell them to someone like me on eBay?” (wow, creepy) . . . Motown legend & convicted drunk driver Diana Ross has placed the luxury NYC apartment where she’s lived for 10 years on the market – at $9.2 million (raising cash for rumored boyfriend David Gest?) . . . “The Passion of the Christ “ is the 1st film of 2004 to cross the $100-million mark . . . And it seems singer Mary J Blige’s Broadway debut in “The Exonerated” is driving neighbors of the Bleecker Street Theater where the production is playing nuts because the diva insists on having a huge tour bus parked out front – as her personal dressing room.
NEW IN VIDEO STORES TODAY:
• “School of Rock” (Comedy – DVD): Jack Black plays a wannabe rock star in need of cash who poses as a substitute teacher at a prep school, and tries to turn his 5th grade class into one big rock band.
• “Cold Creek Manor” (Psychological Thriller – DVD/VHS): Dennis Quaid & Sharon Stone play an upscale city couple who pack up the kids and move to a recently repossessed mansion in the sticks. They soon discover the dilapidated old joint has some dark secrets.
• “Looney Tunes: Back in Action” (Live Action/Animated Family Comedy – DVD/VHS): Fed up with all the attention going to ‘Bugs Bunny’, ‘Daffy Duck’ quits Hollywood and teams up with a recently-fired stuntman on an around-the-world adventure. Stars Brendan Fraser, Jenna Elfman & Steve Martin.
• “Good Boy!” (Family Comedy – DVD/VHS): A 12-year-old discovers his new dog is an interplanetary scout from the dog star Sirius, who’s come to Earth to verify the rumors that dogs have failed to take over the planet and have in fact become … pets. Stars Molly Shannon& Liam Aiken, plus the voices of Matthew Broderick, Brittany Murphy and others playing dogs.
• “Duplex” (Comedy – DVD): Danny DeVito directed this dark comedy about a yuppie NYC couple (Ben Stiller & Drew Barrymore) whose dream of owning their own house is shattered by their little old lady tenant who blasts her TV late at night and pesters the pair for errands and repairs.
THE STICK-AROUND PILL:
Enhance Life Sciences Inc of NYC & London has completed initial patient trials of a new pill designed to prevent premature ejaculation, a condition thought to be as widespread as erectile dysfunction, which spawned a multi-billion-dollar market for Viagra and similar drugs. It’s estimated that 29% of the male population experience the problem of ‘arriving early’ at some point in their lives. The bad news is, it will likely be another 3 years until the new wonder drug reaches the consumer market. So far, it’s known only as ‘LI-301′. Suggested marketing names? ‘Stiffium’? ‘Delayurnap’? ‘Maximus Erectus’? ‘Prongalong’? ‘Colin Farrell’s Wort’? (A recent survey asked married women when they most want to have sex. 84% said right after their husband is finished.)
WE’RE GONNA NEED A BIGGER ICEBERG:
Several years ago, South African millionaire Sarel Gous hatched a seemingly unlikely plan to build a $650-million replica of the ill-fated “Titanic” luxury liner which sank in 1912. He even held discussions with the Harland & Wolff shipyard in Belfast where the original was built. At 1,115 feet, ‘Titanic II’ was designed to be 230 feet longer than the original but with the same decor. Gous and investors have so far blown $800,000 on R&D, but so far – no ship.
Sources: “Maxim” magazine.
WHEN TO WED:
An emeritus professor of statistics at Britain’s University College has developed a formula to determine the age at which you should quit shopping around for the ideal mate and make a commitment. According to Dennis Lindley’s complicated equation, 32 is the age when men should get serious about wedding someone; 27 is the statistically correct age for women.
Source: “Times of London”
BS AMAZING FACT:
According to infidelity expert Shirley Glass, 56% of cheating husbands claim they are happily married.
THE BULL SHEET 03.02.2K4
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1942  John Irving (John Wallace Blunt Jr), Exeter NH, novelist (“Cider House Rules”, “The World According to Garp”)/part-time Toronto resident UP NEXT: “Door in the Floor”, a bigscreen version of his novel “A Widow for One Year” will be released in JUNE, starring Jeff Bridges & Kim Basinger.
1942  Lou Reed, Brooklyn NY, ground-breaking classic rock musician (“Walk on the Wild Side”)
1962  Jon Bon Jovi (John Francis Bongiovi), Sayreville NJ, pop singer (Bon Jovi-“It’s My Life”, “Living On a Prayer”)/movie actor (“U-571″, “Pay It Forward”)
1977  Chris Martin, Exeter UK, pop singer (Coldplay-“Clocks”, “In My Place”)/Mr Gwyneth Paltrow since DECEMBER 2003
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Seussentennial”, the 100th anniversary of ‘Dr Seuss’ birth (1904-1991). The “Seussentennial Imagination Tour”, 100 days of events and celebrations honoring Geisel, is currently underway, visiting more than 40 cities with live performances and interactive workshops for kids. Some Seuss stats …
• Theodor (Ted) Seuss Geisel was born March 2, 1904 in Springfield MA.
• He was a cartoonist, commercial artist and ad-man before turning to children’s books.
• Over 200 million copies of ‘Dr Seuss’ books have sold in more than 20 languages.
• He never had any children of his own.
• Among many nonsense words he’s credited with inventing is the word ‘nerd’.
• It’s said that Geisel pronounced ‘Seuss’ (his mother’s maiden name) as if it rhymed with ‘voice’, but it never caught on that way.
• TODAYa US commemorative postage stamp will be issued featuring Geisel alongside 6 of his better-known characters.
IS IT SEUSS OR A RUSE?
Ask a contestant to sort the real Seuss titles from the fakes as you run down the following list rapid-fire. Only the FAKES are marked.
“The 500 Hats of Bartholomew Cubbins”
“Horton Hires a Ho!” [FAKE]
“One Fish Two Fish”
“Green Eggs and Spam” [FAKE]
“There’s a Wocket in My Pocket and My Shoulder’s Left Its Socket!” [FAKE]
“Horton Hatches the Egg”
“One Step, Two Step, Three Step … That’s Traveling, You Cheating Bastard!” [FAKE]
“Are You My Father? No Really, Are You?” [FAKE]
“I Had Trouble in Getting to Solla Sollew”
“Hops for Pops!” [FAKE]
“Bartholomew and the Oobleck”
“If I Ran the Zoo”
“The Cat in the Provocative Negligée” [FAKE]
“Horton Picks a Scab” [FAKE]
“The Grinch Who Shoplifted Arbor Day” [FAKE]
“Yertle the Turtle”
TODAY is “National Salesperson’s Day”, honoring those gifted and creative individuals whose big kick in life is persuading others to spend a buck. OK sales types, what lame rah-rah sales slogans been drummed into your head? You know, stuff like …
• Never Leave the Ball in Their Court!
• Don’t Give Up If They Don’t Call Back!.
• Success Perceived Is Success Achieved!
• Always Search for Your Customer’s ‘Hot Spot’!
• It Does NOT Just Happen!
TODAY is “Peace Corps Day”, commemorating its founding by President John F Kennedy in 1961.
THIS WEEK is officially “Working Dog Week”, to honor dogs working for humanity. Ask listeners about unusual jobs for dogs they’ve come across.
THIS MONTH is “National Talk With Your Teen About Sex Month” as declared by the group “Parenting Without Pressure”, who have the notion your teen knows nothing. Things you might want to talk about with your teen …
• “What’s sex like, anyway? I forget.”
• “Does that tongue stud really help stimulation?”
• “What’s the key to simultaneous satisfaction?”
• “How can I get dad to stay awake?”
TODAY’S MUSIC EVENTS . . .
1964  Shooting begins on The Beatles’ first feature film, “A Hard Day’s Night”
1974  Stevie Wonder is awarded 5 Grammy Awards for his album “Innervisions” and its singles “You Are The Sunshine of My Life” and “Superstition”
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1923  1st issue of “Time” magazine
1951  1st NBA ‘All-Star Game’
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1962  Wilt Chamberlain sets NBA scoring record of 100 points in a game while playing for the Philadelphia Warriors, who beat the New York Knicks 169-147
1991  World record for ‘lowest flaming limbo bar’ (6 inches)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed-Sun] 10th US Comedy Arts Festival (Aspen CO)
[Wed] Stop BS (Bad Service) Day
[Thurs] International Scrapbooking Day
[Fri] Multiple Personalities Day
[Fri] “Starsky & Hutch” opens in movie theaters
[Sun] “The Sopranos” 5th season premiere
This Week Is . . . Professional Pet Sitters Week / Drug & Alcohol Awareness Week
This Month Is . . . Cataract Awareness Month / Frozen Food Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
ALL-TIME TOP SCI-FI FILMS:
1. “Blade Runner“
3. “The Matrix“
4. “2001: A Space Odyssey“
Source: “Wired” magazine.
BS QUICK-PICK TRIVIA:
What the heck are ‘Urp Cups’?
a. The aura surrounding exploding stars.
b. Parts of a wire-reenforced bra.
c. The original barf bags
Believe it or not, the answer is ‘c’. Airlines started out using ‘Urp Cups’ when passengers felt ill, then in 1929 Transcontinental Air Transport (a TWA predecessor) switched to wax-lined receptacles that air hostesses called – ‘Burp Bags’.
Source: “The Smithsonian“
BS BLATANT JOKES:
• The boss is good at giving direction. Like when we ask for a raise, he points to the door.
• A new study has found that [local hick town] has a shortage of dentists. The good news is they also have a shortage of teeth.
• Little known scientific fact: If you’re in the bathroom and raise your arm to apply deodorant, and the mirror cracks – you’ll have 7 years of bad body odor.
For a year now, a service in NYC called ‘Rapagram’ has delivered gifts with a hip-hop twist. The company dispatches MCs to deliver rap messages with attitude, whether it be a romantic ‘Luvagram’, a ‘Pimpagram’, or a ‘Thugogram’ or ‘Dissagram’ for someone you hate. Clever, but certainly not cheap @ $130 a pop!
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: According to a recent study, men do THIS 3 times as much as women.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Change their minds.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
You’re only as old as other people think you are.