Friday, March 28, 2003 Edition: #2507
Your Daily Bovine Colonic!
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
The Rolling Stones have now postponed their concerts in Hong Kong TONIGHT & tomorrow due to the outbreak of the SARS bug (Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome) . . . Shooting on the sequel to “Spider-Man” has been delayed by 2 months while Tobey Maguire recovers from a back injury . . . The weekly paper “NY Press” has named the “50 Most Loathsome New Yorkers”, a list that includes Oscar-winning documentary maker Michael Moore, hypochondriac director Woody Allen, in-your-face rapper Jay-Z, stupor-model Naomi Campbell & John Lennon’s widow Yoko Ono . . . Lisa Marie Presley tells “Rolling Stone” that she & Michael Jackson had sex “for a while” after they married (ulk, where’s the “Fear Factor” bucket?), but the relationship got “really ugly” by the end and she came to believe that he only married her to improve his image . . . The hot vehicle among Hollywood celebs these days is the $350,000 Mercedes-Benz Maybach, so exclusive that only 500 will be distributed in America THIS YEAR . . . 22-year-old “American Idol” finalist Joshua Gracin may have to leave the show on very short notice – his Marine Corps unit, the 1st Service Support Group, could be called for active duty at any moment . . . The attorney for the California woman who accused Celine Dion’s husband Rene Angelil of sexual assault says he’ll present evidence that his client was paid $2 million in “hush money” . . . Madame Tussaud’s in London has announced it will unveil a new wax figure of snippy “American Idol” judge Simon Cowell THIS SUMMER (complete with his trademark smirk & armpit-high pants) . . . And “Hockey Night in Canada’s” Ron MacLean & Don Cherry have reportedly been slapped on the wrist & told by CBC honchos that “Coach’s Corner” should not be a forum for debate about Gulf War 2 (so TOMORROW night they’ll discuss defensive strategies against the SARS virus).
TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
In the drama “Basic”, John Travolta plays a DEA agent investigating the bizarre disappearance of a US Army drill instructor (Samuel L Jackson) and several of his elite commandos during a routine basic training exercise . . . Chris Rock makes his directorial debut and stars in the comedy “Head of State”, as a Washington DC alderman who’s picked by the Democratic party to run for president when their candidate dies unexpectedly . . . Hilary Swank & Aaron Eckhart play scientists heading to the center of the Earth to detonate a nuclear bomb and save the world in the sci-fi thriller “The Core”.
HEALTHY HEART HINTS:
• According to the “Journal of Psychosomatic Medicine”, the more female friends you have, the less likely you are to have a heart attack. (Unless of course your wife catches you with one of your female friends – then your chances of a quick death quadruple!)
• University of North Carolina psychologist Karen Grewen says snuggling up with your partner before heading off to work in the morning is helpful to your heart. She claims her studies show that as little as 20-seconds of hugging or 10 minutes of hand-holding is enough to reduce the harmful effects of stress throughout the workday. (However, the practice can lead to immediate heart attack if participants don’t brush their teeth first.)
POSTER BOYS FOR ROACHES:
A new ad campaign involving posters at hundreds of bus stops across Rio de Janeiro, Brazil features pictures of George W Bush & Saddam Hussein to promote the war on – cockroaches. The poster showing the Iraqi president bears the words: “You can die of envy Saddam. The world approves of our chemical weapons.” And the one with Bush’s likeness says: “Calm down, Mr President. Our chemical weapons only kill cockroaches.”
SPORTS ILLUSTRATED’S SANDSTORM EDITION:
The publishers of “Maxim”, “Stuff”, “Sports Illustrated” and “Marie Claire” magazines are shipping thousands of copies of their publications to US troops in Gulf 2, hoping they’ll use the model layouts as pin-ups – as military personnel did during WW2.
FOR THE RECORD:
The world’s ‘largest rubber band ball’ has been dropped from an airplane – to see if it would bounce. For an upcoming episode of the TV show “Ripley’s Believe It Or Not”, the “Guinness Record” 2,600-lb, 14-foot ball of wound elastic, created by Tony Evans of Swansea, Wales from an estimated 6 million rubber bands, was dropped in Arizona’s Mojave Desert in hopes it would bounce hundreds of feet into the air. Instead, it crashed into Earth at 400 mph, creating a massive crater. (The Pentagon is said to be interested.)
WORLDWIDE BULL ROAR:
• Tokyo political candidate Aya Kamikawa is running for a local assembly seat as a woman even though he is technically a man. He says he hopes to provide a voice for all those suffering from ‘gender identity disorder’. (Both of them!)
• A Burnaby BC girl is suffering from a broken shoulder and ‘road rash’ after the shopping cart she was riding in crashed while zooming down a hill at – 45mph. Seems she and several others were staging races. (Wow, it’s “Jackass – North”!)
• A Swedish woman has been found not guilty of tax fraud after rats in her attic ate her tax records, leaving the government with no evidence. (It’s unclear if this is the same woman whose dog ate her phone bill. Note to self: Put tax records in attic, cover in sugar.)
• The Down Under state of Western Australia has passed a new law that gives all dogs the right to – keep their tails! Government minister Tom Stephens says there is no valid reason to amputate dogs’ tails for cosmetic purposes, even breeds like poodles, boxers & Dobermans which are generally bobbed for a standardized appearance. (My gawd, he’s lost his head over a piece of tail!)
BS AMAZING FACTS:
• Saddam Hussein received a key to the city of Detroit MI in 1980 for donating hundreds of thousands of dollars to a local church.
• You have a 2 million to 1 chance of killing yourself – by falling out of bed.
THE BULL SHEET 03.28.2K3
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1948 [55] Dianne Wiest, Kansas City MO, TV actress (District Attorney Nora Lewin-“Law & Order” 2000-02)/movie actress (2 Oscars-“Bullets Over Broadway”, “Hannah & Her Sisters”)
1951 [52] Karen Kain, Hamilton ON, retired prima ballerina, now ‘artist in residence’ with National Ballet of Canada
1955 [48] Reba McEntire, McAlester OK, country singer with 30 #1 singles, 14 #1 albums (“Does He Love You”, “How Was I to Know”)/TV sitcom actress (“Reba”)/Broadway star (“Annie Get Your Gun”)
1970 [33] Vince Vaughn, Minneapolis MN, movie actor (“Old School”, “The Cell”)
1981 [22] Julia Stiles, NYC, movie actress (“The Bourne Identity”, “Save The Last Dance) UP NEXT: Co-stars with Julia Roberts & Kirsten Dunst in the 1950s college drama “Mona Lisa Smile”, coming in DECEMBER.
SATURDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1963 [40] Elle ‘The Body’ Macpherson (Eleanor Gow), Sydney AUS, former fashion model (36C-24-35, 6-ft-tall)/occasional movie actress (“Batman & Robin”, “Sirens”) who had a 2nd child with 7-year partner, French-Swiss financier Arpad Busson, in FEBRUARY
1967 [36] John Popper, Cleveland OH, hefty rock singer (Blues Traveler -“Run-Around”, “Hook”)
1968 [35] Lucy Lawless (Ryan), Mount Albert NZ, former TV actress (“Xena: Warrior Princess” 1995-2001)/movie actress (“Spider-Man”)
1976 [27] Jennifer Capriati, NYC, tennis pro (1992 Olympic gold-medalist, 1990 Wimbledon champ)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Something on a Stick Day”, celebrating corn dogs, shish kebabs, Popsicles, ice cream bars, and anything else that’s served on a stick. (Beer? Sex?)
According to some historians, TODAY was the date originally given for the nativity of Christ until Rome later decreed December 25th to be the date in order to divert attention from the pagan festival Saturnalia. So Merry Christmas!
Teachers everywhere, please note – TODAY is officially “No Homework Day”, one day of the school year when you’re encouraged to lighten up for no reason other than random kindness.
TOMORROW is “Mom & Pop Business Owners Day”, honoring family-run small business operations.
SUNDAY is “Doctors’ Day”, commemorating the 1st use of anaesthetic during surgery by Dr Crawford W Long in 1842. He got the idea by observing party-goers inebriated on nitrous oxide and sulfuric ether.
SUNDAY is “National Badminton Day”, honoring the sport first introduced in the early 1800s as ‘poona’. (Poona? Shuttlecock? What a risqué sport!)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1963 [40] Pro football’s NY Titans change name to NY Jets (leaving the name ‘Titans’ available for Tennessee much later)
1994 [09] 1st ‘eggvertising’ as phone company ad is printed on eggs in Britain (and that’s no yolk!)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Sat] Vietnam Veterans Day
[Sun] I Am In Control Day
[Sun] National Hot Dog Day
[Sun] Take a Walk in the Park Day
[Sun] Mothering Sunday (UK)
This Week Is . . . National Cleaning Week
This Month Is . . . National Baby Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS DILEMMAS:
• You’re playing golf with your boss for the first time. You’re winning and your boss is getting angry. Do you let the boss win?
• Your teenager asks if you ever smoked marijuana when you were young. Do you admit
it?
• At a car wash, you witness the manager firing one of the attendants for doing too good a job by taking too long. Do you speak up?
• You’re a personal trainer. You start an affair with a client who thinks the workouts should now be free. Do you insist on payment?
• You find a crisp $20-bill folded on the floor of a small store. Two other customers are in the store. Do you pocket the bill?
GOOD OR BAD?
Ask a listener or studio guest to rate the following as simply ‘good’ or ‘bad’ as you read the items off rapid-fire –
• Platform shoes.
• Iodine
• Grass clippings.
• Home karaoke machines.
• Highway signs that tell you which restaurants are available at the next exit.
• Frisbee golf.
• Stink bombs.
• Kid’s toothpaste that tastes like bananas.
• Yo-yos that light up.
• Encores
(Also makes a good bit for voting on your Website.)
THE BS NAME GAME:
In each group of 3 given names, which is one of the 5,000 most popular in North America?
• Buffy, Bunny, Bambi [Bambi]
• Cher, Madonna, Mariah [Madonna]
• Faith, Hope, Charity [Hope]
• India, Asia, Canada [India]
In each group of 3 names, which one is NOT one of the 5,000 most popular in North America?
• Maple, Sugar, Honey [Sugar]
• November, September, January [November]
• Alpha, Beta, Omega [Beta]
• Dakota, Nevada, California [California]
Source: Census Bureau
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Even though this invention is now a part of modern life, two-thirds of us say we’re sick and tired of it!
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Reality TV.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Worry: The interest paid on trouble before it’s due.
Monthly Planning Calendar in MONDAY’s Issue!
