Monday, March 24, 2003 Edition: #2503
Today’s Sheet Is Imbedded With Bull!
THE WEEK’S TRASHIEST TABLOID HEADLINES:
• “Secret Videotape Shows Lions Eating Christians In Iraq!”
• “Mom Gives Birth to Baby Ghost!”
• “Bigfoot Hunting Season Opens in Tennessee!”
• “Fish Has Human Face!”
• “Archaeologist Finds 12,000-Year-Old Magazine from Atlantis!”
• “Schools Will Soon Force Your Kids to Take Drugs!”
• “Time-Traveler Busted For Insider Trading!”
Source: “Weekly World News”
OTHER TABLOID BS:
• “E! Online” notes that Madonna swept away the competition at SATURDAY’s “Razzie Awards” for the year’s worst in film. Her box office bomb “Swept Away” took 5 awards, including ‘Worst Picture’. But poor Madonna only managed a tie for ‘Worst Actress’ with Britney Spears horrific effort in “Crossroads”. Oh, and in case you’re wondering, the ‘Most Flatulent Teen-Targeted Movie’ award went to “Jackass: The Movie”.
• Elizabeth Taylor tells “Access Hollywood” her appearance on LAST NIGHT’s Academy Awards was her show business swan song. “I’ve retired from acting,” she says, confirming the show was her last entertainment gig. (This is shocking! We thought that happened 30 years ago!)
• Oops, seems Britney Spears isn’t dating MTV host Mike Kasem, son of legendary DJ Casey Kasem, after all. “Mirror” reports he’s actually dating one of her close friends and they all ‘hang out’ together. (Kinky!)
• If you believe “National Enquirer”, 24-year-old “American Idol” runner-up Justin Guarini is crying on the shoulder of a former roommate and high-school pal after being dumped by winner Kelly Clarkson during the filming of the “American Idol” movie, “From Justin to Kelly”. Michael Leach admits he shares “a very special friendship” with Justin. (Ooooooh!)
• “NY Post” reports that Julianne Moore, Salma Hayek, Dustin Hoffman, Jim Carrey, Ben Affleck, Kirsten Dunst & Jake Gyllenhaal were among celebrities who wore ‘peace pins’ to the Academy Awards, provided by Artists United to Win Without War. (By the time you get your peace pin, your AIDS ribbon, your GLAAD pin, your PETA ribbon and your Freedom of Choice button pinned on – you need really big lapels!)
• “News of the World” claims soon-to-be-61 Paul McCartney and his 35-year-old wife Heather Mills are expecting. The 3-months-pregnant Mills reportedly had her first ultrasound just days ago and was told the baby is healthy. Big Mac already has 4 kids from his 30-year marriage to late wife Linda – James 26, Stella, 31, Mary 33, and 39-year-old stepdaughter Heather. (The baby’s expected to be wrinkly and wear diapers – just like dad.)
• And surprise, surprise – “Us Weekly” reports the made-for-TV fairytale has ended as “Joe Millionaire” winner Zora Andrich confirms it’s over between her and Evan Marriott. “I really liked him, but we haven’t talked since the ‘Joe’ reunion in FEBRUARY,” she says in an interview for the MARCH 31st issue. “I’d rather be with a construction worker than with someone who craves the spotlight like that.” (Meow.)
AKA ‘STAR FLUNKY’:
You can bet virtually every star at LAST NIGHT’S Academy Awards had one – a ‘celebrity personal assistant’. It has become such a common job in Tinseltown these days that there’s even a course offered at the local Learning Annex. The average Hollywood assistant is female, 38 years-old and earns about $45,000 per year. They also work 12 hours a day, 7 days a week. And forget about job security – when Mr or Ms Superstar has a little snit, you’re outta there! (But a real cool profession if you like food-tasting and pre-checking toilet seats.)
WHEN HOLES GO BAD:
A district court judge in Australia has awarded a teenager $30,000 in compensation because his ear piercing became infected. Wade Middleton had his upper left ear pierced just before he started high school. But the piercing became infected, developed an abscess and left him with a ‘cauliflower ear’. He successfully sued both the pharmacy where the piercing was done and the manufacturer of the stud that was inserted into his ear. (Dude, be thankful you decided on piercing your EAR!)
1,000 GALLONS OF SPECIAL SAUCE LATER:
49-year-old Don Gorske of Fond du Lac WI has devoured his 19,000th Big Mac. Not because he wanted to set a record – he’s already in the “Guinness Book of World Records” for eating Big Macs – but because it’s all he likes to eat. He mows down on at least 2 Big Macs per day and drinks little else besides Coca-Cola. He also meticulously keeps track of everything he eats in a notebook. “I admit I’m obsessive compulsive,” he says (as his left eyelid twitches and his upper lip arches in a nervous tick).
FINDING YOUR INNER BONE:
New Yorker Bruce Van Horn started his ‘pet yoga program’ at an animal rescue center to help ease puppies and pussies from the trauma of abandonment. Now he’s marketing an at-home yoga class so that you and your pet can seek inner peace on side-by-side yoga mats. In some cases dogs actually imitate their owners, he claims. But it’s unlikely they’ll achieve actual yoga positions, they mostly just find the exercises calming and soothing. (Unless you drag your tropical fish out onto the mat.)
NET: http://Yogaforbusiness.com
SCIENTISTS SAY:
A compendium of recent ‘discoveries’ –
• Scientists say that men who don’t shave every day are more likely to suffer a stroke or heart attack, and are also less likely to get lucky! A 20-year study by the UK’s Bristol University found that 31% of daily shavers died during that period, but 45% of those who rarely shaved or frequently missed days kicked the bucket. The researchers also found that non-shavers more frequently suffer from angina and, in general, have less sex. (Something to do with face friction perhaps?)
• Scientists say that it takes about 10 years after you quit smoking for your sense of smell to return to its pre-smoking level! (If you quitters think you’re packing on the pounds now, just wait till you can smell those ooey gooey cinnamon buns in the oven, too!)
• Scientists say that people who bite their fingernails are more at risk of lead poisoning! Russian researchers have found that lead in the body accumulates in the fingernails and can lead to illness in those who habitually chew on them, particularly children. The danger of lead poisoning can be reduced through consumption of milk and vitamins. (But to be safe, switch to your toenails!)
• Scientists say men have more difficulty leaving relationships than women. In a divorce study published in “Woman’s Own” magazine, psychologists surprisingly found that it’s usually far more difficult for a man to disentangle from a relationship. (Adjusting to doing your own laundry, for example.)
BS SHOCKING & AWE-ING FACTS:
• On average, married people live 10-15 years longer than single people. (Or maybe it just seems that way.)
• You breathe in about 18 kg (40 lbs) of dust in a lifetime. (Or in a single day if you’re in the US Marine Corps.)
THE BULL SHEET 03.24.2K3
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1936 [67] Dr David Suzuki, Vancouver BC, award-winning scientist/environmentalist/broadcaster (CBC-“The Nature of Things”)/author of 32 books, including 15 children’s books/Associate at UBC’s Sustainable Development Research Institute
1940 [63] Bob Mackie, Monterey Park CA, fashion/costume designer with 6 Emmy Awards & 3 Academy Award nominations (clients have included Cher, Madonna and RuPaul)
1951 [52] Tommy Hilfiger, Elmira NY, fashion designer (Tommy Girl) who’s name on anything jacks the price up about 80%
1970 [33] Lara Flynn Boyle, Davenport IA, TV actress (DA Helen Gamble-“The Practice” since 1997)/movie actress (“Men in Black II”) FACTOID: Reports say her split with Jack Nicholson in JANUARY caused her to dull the pain with alcohol, but she’s since joined AA and sobered up.
1974 [29] Alyson Hannigan, Washington DC, TV actress (Willow Rosenberg-“Buffy the Vampire Slayer”)/movie actress (“American Pie 1 & 2″)
1976 [27] Peyton Manning, New Orleans LA, NFL QB (Indianapolis Colts)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “St Gabriel’s Day”, the patron saint of RADIO, postal and telephone workers.
TODAY is “Inspect Your Cat’s Tongue Day”. You know you’ve always wanted to see what makes your cat’s tongue feel like sandpaper – today’s the day to find out!
TOMORROW is “International Organize Your Home Office Day” a day to get your home business in order. Ask listeners with home offices about the advantages of working at home.
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1949 [54] 1st father & son to win Academy Awards for the same film (Walter & John Huston-“The Treasure of Sierra Madre”)
1971 [32] 1st ‘pine tree air freshener’ is introduced (Uncle Bill still has it on his rearview mirror)
1975 [28] ‘Beaver’ 1st becomes an official Canadian symbol
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1936 [67] NHL’s ‘longest playoff game’ lasts 176 minutes, 30 seconds and includes 6 overtime periods (Detroit Red Wings finally beat Montréal Maroons 1-0)
1993 [10] An Elton John song reaches the top 40 for the 24th consecutive year, breaking record previously held by Elvis Presley
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] Celine Dion’s Las Vegas show “A New Day” opens
[Wed] Legal Assistants Day
[Thurs] National Joe Day
[Fri] Something On a Stick Day
[Sat] Mom & Pop Business Owners Day
[Sun] Doctors’ Day
This Week Is . . . National Cleaning Week (yep, time for that annual toilet cleaning, guys)
This Month Is . . . National Sauce Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
The US has poured an estimated 1,000 or more weapons of mass destruction (at a million-bucks each) onto Baghdad in its much-ballyhooed ‘Shock & Awe’ bombing campaign. According to our BS intelligence sources, here are a few –
REJECTED CODE NAMES FOR ‘SHOCK & AWE’:
• Shake & Bake
• Operation: A Wacky Freedom
• Mop N’ Glo
• Survivor: Baghdad
• Powder Keg & Cleaver
• A Bang & A Whimper
• Operation: $10 Million-A-Minute Overkill
• Smash & Grab
• Arma-Freakin’-Geddon
HOLLYWOOD-ONICS:
Show biz gibberish and what it means –
• To pitch . . . To grovel shamelessly.
• To freelance . . . To collect unemployment.
• “You can trust me.” . . . “You must be new.”
• “It needs some polishing.” . . . “Change everything.”
• “It shows promise.” . . . “It stinks.”
• “I’d like some input.” . . . “I want total control.”
• “Call me back next week.” . . . “Stay out of my life.”
• “Try and punch it up!” . . . “I have no idea what I want.”
• “You’ll never work in this town again!” . . . “I have no power whatsoever.”
BS PHONE STARTER:
“What’s the wackiest thing you’ve ever seen someone put on their breakfast cereal?” (According to a new Kellogg’s poll, 4% like to top it off with ice cream, 3% slather on chocolate sauce, and 2% mix various brands of cereal together.)
BS Q & A:
Q: Which weighs more, an Oscar statuette or a packet of Oscar Meyer wieners?
A: Wieners, 1 lb. Oscar, 7 lbs.
Q: What do you call a group of jellyfish – a ‘smack’, a ‘smock’ or a ‘smuck’?
A: According to the “Old Farmers Almanac”, it’s a ‘smuck’.
Q: What statistics did the NHL start keeping track of in 1926 – goals, assists, or fatalities?
A: Assists.
BS BLATANT JOKES:
• The Academy Awards, also known as the world’s largest gathering of silicone, follicle implants, tight skin, and egos.
• Monday morning and everybody’s here. It looks like a funeral directors’ convention.
• Today’s traffic report will be followed by a solemn moment of profanity.
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Over 80% of married couples admit to doing THIS when their partners are away.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Sleeping on their partner’s side of the bed.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Fighting for peace is like having sex for virginity.
Don’t waste the whole day. Laugh at least once!
