Tuesday, March 18, 2003        Edition: #2499
Here’s Sheet in Your Eye!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Word has it Eminem is so worried about stalkers or an attempt on his life that he’s hired a dead ringer nicknamed ‘Particles’ who acts as his body double, and most people can’t tell the copy from the real Slim Shady! . . . Now we get the real reason Liza Minelli & David Gest have canceled their anniversary celebration – she’s reportedly in rehab, though he’s denying rumors it’s for an overdose . . . In an effort to shed her girl-next-door image, Meg Ryan says she’s looking for grittier movie roles and may even agree to appear nude (times is desperate when you’re out of work) . . . Julia Roberts & Danny Moder’s 8-month marriage is said to be shaky after she blew up over his flirting with Kirsten Dunst, her “Mona Lisa Smile” co-star (somebody get Dan some eyeglasses!) . . . “Sopranos” star James Gandolfini is said to have struck a deal to get shooting on the 5th season back underway, paying him slightly more than $1 million per episode and increasing his take from DVD sales . . . Martin & Charlie Sheen’s popular VISA ad has been pulled off TV, apparently because of “The West Wing” star’s outspoken anti-war stance . . . The once-famous fleabag ‘Hotel California’ in the town of Todos Santos on Mexico’s Baja Peninsula, the inspiration for the Eagles’ classic hit, is now renovated and open for biz again thanks to a group of ex-pats from Calgary (warning: you can check out but you can never leave) . . . Only in America – now that she’s home again, the family of Salt Lake City kidnap victim Elizabeth Smart has already been bombarded with over 100 film, book and TV-movie offers about her 9 month ordeal.

TODAY’S DVD & VHS RELEASES:
Eminem’s semi-autobiographical “8 Mile” co-stars Kim Basinger as his mom and Brittany Murphy as his wife, and features his Oscar-nominated song “Lose Yourself” . . . Dylan Kidd’s comedy-drama “Roger Dodger” stars Campbell Scott as a smooth-talker who takes his teenage nephew out on the town in NYC in search of sex . . . David Arquette, Steve Buscemi & Harvey Keitel star in the dark WW2 drama “The Grey Zone”, about special squads of Jewish prisoners who do dirty work for the Nazis in exchange for a few more months of life . . . Novelist-filmmaker Rebecca Miller’s “Personal Velocity” is a collection of 3 stories about contemporary women striving for personal freedom, starring Kyra Sedgwick, Parker Posey & Fairuza Balk . . . And for DVD collectors – “NYPD Blue: The Complete First Season”, a 6-disc set with all 22 episodes from 1993, when the new cop show starring David Caruso & Dennis Franz was truly cutting edge.

OSCARS BY THE NUMBERS:
Fair Haven, New Jersey statistician Jay Bennett has been predicting who’ll win the ‘Best Actor’ and ‘Best Actress’ Oscars since 1998 based on a mathematical formula – the odds of winning increase when the nominee appears in a movie that’s nominated for ‘Best Picture’, and also the closer the nominee is to the age of 43. According to Bennet’s calculations for this year, that would mean Nicole Kidman and Daniel Day-Lewis will win Oscars SUNDAY night.

I CAN’T REMEMBER IF THIS IS IMPORTANT:
Researchers at Japan’s Hokkaido University say as many as 1 in 10 people under age 35 are suffering from memory loss because they depend too much on computers, electronic organizers and other hi-tech devices. According to professor Toshiyuki Sawaguchi, it’s a type of brain dysfunction whereby people are losing their ability to remember new things, and to distinguish between important and unimportant information. (Young people today are becoming stupid. We need an expert to tell us that? Just ask grampa!)

COFFEE REALLY IS A PICK-ME-UP:
Women who drink coffee are less likely to commit suicide than those who abstain, according to a recent study. (It’s tough to get a bottle of pills to your mouth when your hands are shaking.)

DRILLING IS BETTER THAN POKING:
A “Men’s Health” survey reveals that 1 in 10 males would rather have root canal surgery than submit to a digital rectal exam to check for prostate cancer. (They’d rather open wide than bend over.)

ANYONE FOR BOTULISM UNDER THE ARM?
Doctors in Germany have discovered that Botox, traditionally used to iron out wrinkles, can stop sweating for up to a year when injected into the armpits. It’s reportedly a favorite with Oscar nominees who don’t want to work up a sweat on the red carpet. Some stars have injections in their pits to paralyze the sweat glands. There are a couple of problems, however. The American Academy of Dermatology warns that alcohol and Botox do NOT mix well (meaning Oscar acceptance speeches may make even less sense than usual). And it costs about $1000 per treatment, enough to buy you 300 or more deodorant sticks!

MAKE MONEY NOT WAR:
Web retailer Slycraft is selling sponsorships of soldiers in Iraq’s Republican Guard. For your 10 buck sponsorship fee they claim they’ll send a white, tattered surrender flag and an ‘I Give Up’ button right to the Presidential Palace in Baghdad. You, in turn, receive a ‘Certificate of Appreciation’, a personalized card with a picture of your sponsored soldier and an update on his progress. A ripoff? You bet. A shame that over 1500 people have already ponied up.
NET: http://Slycraft.com/

TOP TOPPINGS:
What’s our favorite pizza topping? A nationwide study in the trade magazine “Pizza Today” finds pepperoni tops the list, followed by mushrooms, extra cheese, and sausage.

THE TP PROPHET:
Newly-elected Lithuanian president Rolandas Paksas is being ridiculed for his belief in a mystic who claims she can tell the future – by energizing toilet paper and wrapping it around her clients. Paksas says the soothsayer, Lena Lolisvili, predicted he would become president back in 1996. (Time for an in-studio experiment!)

CARPE DIEM!
A Cornell University study finds we tend to regret risks not taken far more than mistakes made – even the big ones. The #1 regret is not getting a good education, followed closely by not ‘seizing the moment’ in romance or career.

BUSTING A GUT IS BUSTING OUR WALLETS:
Researcher Malcolm Kushner says his annual ‘Cost of Laughter’ index is up some 2.6% from LAST YEAR. His calculations are based on several indicators ie: the wholesale price of novelty Groucho Marx nose & glasses. Some of the reasons it costs more to laugh in 2003 –
• Admission to Chicago’s ”Second City” improv club is up $2 to $19.
• The price of “Mad” magazine has increased 51% in the past year.
• Comedy writers now earn $358 more than last year for sit-com scripts.
• However, the wholesale price for a dozen whoopee cushions is stable at $5.40.

BS AMAZING FACT:
Everyone shares their birthday with at least 9 million other people in the world.

THE BULL SHEET 03.18.2K3

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1961 [42] Pillsbury Doughboy (aka Poppin‘ Fresh), fat guy/TV huckster

1963 [40] Vanessa Williams, Bronx NY, pop singer (“Save the Best For Last”, “Colors of the Wind”)/sometime actress (“Shaft”, “Eraser”)/Broadway actress (“Into the Woods”)/Mrs Rick Fox (LA Lakers) since 1999  FACTOID: 1984 Miss America stripped of title for posing nude in “Penthouse” magazine.

1970 [33] Queen Latifah (Dana Owens), East Orange NJ, movie actress (“Bringing Down the House”, “Chicago”)/rap artist (Grammy Award-“UNITY”)  FACTOID: ‘Latifah’ is Arabic for ‘delicate and sensitive’.

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Forgive Mom & Dad Day”. No matter how lousy they were as parents, it’s time to let it go and get on with your life.

TODAY is “Awkward Moments Day”, a day to celebrate the humor in life’s uncomfortable
situations. (Which you never see until years later.)

THIS AFTERNOON they’ll air out the 30th annual “Rotten Sneaker Contest” in the ‘Rotten Sneaker Capital of the World’ – Montpelier VT. Contestants aged 5 to 15 try for the coveted international trophy and a grand prize worth $2,500, plus enshrinement of the winning sneakers in the Odor-Eaters ‘Hall of Fumes’. Only rule – shoes have to stay on feet. In the past, contestants have been known to go to extremes in order to win – like walking through llama dung.
PHONER: 802-223-9502 (Montpelier City Manager)
NET: http://www.montpelier-vt.org/detail.cfm?event=1629
NET: http://www.odoreaters.com

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1892 [111] Lord Stanley 1st proposes a silver challenge cup for hockey (Stanley Cup)

1931 [72] 1st ‘electric razor’, marketed by Schick Co

1945 [58] 1st NHLer to score 50 goals in a season (Maurice ‘Rocket’ Richard-Montréal Canadiens)

1966 [37] 1st ‘paper dress’ goes on the market, priced at $1 by Scott Paper Co

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1981 [22] Buffalo Sabres set NHL record of 9 goals in 1 period (vs Toronto)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tonight] Full Moon!
[Thurs] Teenagers Day (aren’t they all?)
[Thurs] Spring arrives (8pm EST is the vernal equinox in the Northern Hemisphere)
[Fri] 1st full day of Spring
[Fri] Snowman Burning Day
[Fri] International Astrology Day
[Fri] Single Parents Day
[Sat] International Goof Off Day (aren’t they all?)
[Sun] World Meteorological Day
This Week Is . . . Clean Your Closet Week / National Agriculture Week
This Month Is . . . National Craft Month / Cataract Awareness Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
MORE BS QUESTIONS PLAGUING HUMANITY:
• Why does all the green beer you drink on St Patrick’s Day turn yellow?
• How come you never hear about ‘gruntled’ employees?
• Can atheists get insurance for ‘Acts of God’?
• Can women tell if flowers are from the cemetery?
• If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?
• If so many people are unhappy with their jobs, why are they in such a hurry to get there every morning?
• Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
• If your co-host starts to sound reasonable, is it time to up your medication?

BS TRIVIA:
Q: How long does it take the average guy’s beard to grow an inch – 8 days, 8 weeks or 8 months?
A: 8 weeks.
Source: “Better Times”

BS PHONE STARTERS:
• “What job would you pay to do?” (A veteran math teacher in India has just been arrested for ‘buying’ the job from a friend in 1976. He’s been teaching without being certified ever since!)
• “Who is currently the coolest person on TV?” (According to a new survey by E-Poll, it’s Jennifer Aniston, followed by ‘Homer Simpson’. Oprah Winfrey and Carson Daly were voted least cool.)

BS OSCAR QUIZ:
• What’s the first (and only) silent film to win the ‘Best Picture’ Oscar? [“Wings”, which won for 1927-28.]
• Who is the most nominated living person for Academy Awards? [John Williams’ nomination for original score for “Catch Me If You Can” is his 42nd in music categories, making him the most nominated living person. Walt Disney holds the overall record with 64 nominations, and is the all-time winner with 26.]
• Which was the first film to already have been released on video when it won the ‘Best Picture’ award? [“The Silence of the Lambs” in 1991.]
• 2002’s top-grossing movie has just 2 Oscar nominations. What is it? [“Spider-Man”, nominated only for sound and visual effects.]
• Two films share the record for the biggest shut-out at the Oscars. 1977’s “The Turning Point “ received 11 nominations, but 0 wins. So did a 1985 film. What was it? [Steven Spielberg’s “The Color Purple”.]
• Meryl Streep’s 2003 nomination puts her in the record books as the most-nominated actor ever with a total of 13. Who was she previously tied with? [She had been tied with Katharine Hepburn at 12 nominations each.]
• You’ve been nominated for an Oscar. Can you vote for yourself? [All 5,600 members of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences, whether actors, directors or writers, are eligible to vote for Oscar winners in all categories – even if they’re voting for themselves.]
Source for all: The Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: While 90% of us have THIS in our home, only 40% actually ever use it.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Dental floss.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Celebrities are people who work hard all their lives to become famous, then wear sunglasses to avoid being recognized.